I’m toxic
A little psychotic
I take zyprexa, an anti-psychotic, I don’t know if it’s working
My own fault though, I keep self medicating
I take the pills they prescribe and they help but not when my mind is racing
Speed, it’s ironic really
Because it slows me down and I am able to function
I can show affection and my emotions seep out of my bones
But it causes everyone to leave me alone
Is it my fault? Is it something misdiagnosed?
I don’t know, I only know how I feel and I use when I don’t know how to deal
Life is roaring rapids, I fall out and slowly drown from what has a hold of me
I don’t know what else to do but self medicate
Its another thing I use, a crutch
When I can’t stand by myself and don’t reach out to anyone else
I’ve lost my mind, I tell everyone I’m fine
I’m always thinking of a line whether it be drugs or a rhyme
I’m not kind on the come down and I hate my entire being when I’m rude to my mom
If I were to have a clone I’d beat the **** out of myself and tell her what’s really wrong
She makes sure I have what I need especially when I wretch my sadness all over the floor
She never shuts the door in my face when I need a place, without her I would be misplaced
One night she was shrieking and it doesn’t matter that she was drinking
The feelings were in the air, they were something tangible that I could grasp without being an ***
I saw sadness, rejection, neglect, frustration, anger although it’s a secondary emotion and that’s what she uses to mask her raw emotions
I saw hatred, not for me, but the addict inside me
She’s the only one who doesn’t call me crazy, she lays in bed with me when I feel like I’m not in control
She does breathing exercises with me when I really just want to fall
I make a lot of commotion and she still loves me as her son
I am all of the above when on drugs, my heart still hurts but I’m full on love
My family and friends have been pouring it into me and that’s the only thing keeping me going
I’ve said it once, but I’ll say it again, without the love there’s no reason to be alive.
Without the love, it’s failure to thrive.
Without the love, I won’t survive.

I don't know what the **** I'm doing with my life,
All I know is I'm higher than a kite.
I can't think straight, the thoughts are taking over my mind,
I can't unwind.
I closed the door, i don't care what you think anymore.
I barricade myself in my head, trapped inside my dark room and crying in bed.
It makes my family sad, they make me feel guilty.
They're sad, yeah, just imagine how I'm ******* feeling.
Emotions are crazy, my lifestyle is hazy and yes I know it's my fault when I go.
I'm self destructive, I want to know what it feels like to be alive.
Because I'm just surviving,
Always fantasizing,
You can laugh and think my writing is stupid,
You have no idea what the **** I've been through.

I've been to hell and back, seen a lot of action.
I'm always looking for a **** distraction.
This is the second part, I'm about to open my heart and open the door.
I'm not smoking dope anymore and I'm getting help from everyone.
I finally feel like I've won.
You can get lost in life easily, and do things that leave you empty.
Some people will have sympathy but most will have empathy.
I lost myself but I found someone new, and I can't wait to see what this person can do.
So many people saying, "I'm proud of you."
I'm proud of me too, that's how I feel.
This journey is how I know God is real.

I cannot seem to think on my own.
People think for me and I feel alone.
But without them I would not be around.
I hear a voice in the background.
I say background but do I mean it?
I don't, its probably just another memory slip.
Wait, I do mean it.
But instead, it's all in my head.
My best friend is my bed.
I gotta get in the booth and get emotions recorded.

Everything is distorted.
Things start to move.
I become someone else.
A new person. A new identity.
New everything.  
The whole works. I wish i was dead.
They tell me it's in my head.
I'm gonna survive. I know it look like I'm being lazy.
I promise I'm trying, my head is crazy.
I know I'm not but they don't.
And I know they won't.
When episodes occur,
I just lay in bed,
Still staying in my head.
I do nothing but pick it back up.
Whether it be crystal or my double cup.
My person calls this
Type of cycle insanity.
I love her, my family, she is all I have.
Without the love,
I would be gone.
Without the love,
There would be no me.
I need her just as much
As she needs me.
Without the love,
I do not thrive.
Without the love,
I will not survive.
Without the love,
You can push and shove
And not get anywhere.
I'm so lost in my head,
I don't even know my own way out.
I only know the way to my bed.
Momma knows best as I lay my head to rest.

I hate sleeping.
I stay up all night if I can.
I hate everything.
Because of a man,
Who hurt me,
Who touched me,
Who took away my
Childhood.
He showed up
In people you may know
On Facebook.
The other day
But the other day was months ago
Now its October, and I can barely remember saying hello.
On autopilot but completely distraught.
And I'm sorry mom and dad, I'm not close to sober but close to home.
Close to home.
I saw his picture and it hit close to home.
I was disgusted to see what I saw.
I saw he had more children.
I saw he had a wife.
I wanted to send him a message but
I didn't.
If I did;
I would tell him he took away my innocence, he took away something I can never get back, and I'm bleeding like I did back then.
My heart hurts.
Everything hurts.
The debauchery of it all is he looked happy and that made me crumble.
That's why I fumble, mumble, also stumble into whatever.
That's why I'm scared to get sober.
Scared to get sober.
Scared to get sober.
I can hear the decibels because I'm always on look out for the sound of his foot steps.
I can feel the footsteps vibrate the room.
I can feel my bed shaking when I'm trying to sleep.
PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder.
Trauma is the gateway drug. Trauma ***** up the way you love.
I need a break to figure out why I hurt.
I know this is one but there is more I need to unpack.
Unpack and track.
Unpack and get myself back.

I'm not afriaid to die, I don't necessarily wanna be alive
I used to think I could never take my life and leave my family hanging, but I can't help this pain from my heart aching
One day it'll be alright that's what I keep hearing, but they ain't there when my mind is goin crazy
I didn't ask for this but if you did I'd say its ******* *******

Speeding through traffic, thinking to myself I want to let go of the wheel
My thoughts are suicidal, my manic mind is my one true rival
I didn't grow up with the best role models, hold up gimme a sec, I gotta finish this bottle
Faded as **** to numb my mind, with every sip I unwind
Blurred vision, slurred words, that's my negative grind
Turn around look up and feel the vibes, starry skies are my favorite nights.

Mary Jane and Tina ease the daily pain, but I also love smokin c
It puts so much strain on my body, and thoughts on my mind that're draining me
Thank the higher power or whatever the ***** out there for my family
The love they have for me helps me spiritually and emotionally
I'm talking about my mom mostly, she's my person

I appreciate it, through all the conflict
There's no resist when I need somethin
I can always count on her, I know I can get overwhelmed in this realm we call life
But that's when I grab my pipe and break a bud off the stem, smoke it, become myself again
I'm not stuck anymore, I'm free to be me  
I've dreamt of this reality because my childhood felt like an eternity
It's gonna be alright cuz the people all around got me
All this anxiety and in constant panic mode,
Some days you just gotta breathe and get through, just do you
No counting the seconds or minutes, stay present within your surroundings even if you feel like you're drowning
Deep breathing to know that you are okay, and that your soul is at peace for the day
My feet standing their ground, I'll make it sound with each step
Just let me do me, just let me breathe.

You're not obligated to tell me why..
You're not obligated to do anything by me.
But when you left me without a doubt
No reason, I didn't think I could live without.
You were my sun, my moon, and all my stars.
I'm not gonna lie that **** hurt and of course you know me I ******* cried.
I still reach out,
It's almost been a year since we last talked.
I don't know how to feel most of the time.
I wish I could talk to you.
You don't respond to me and I know its because you think I'm crazy.
Talked to your mom the other day she said you were in treatment and I hope you're okay, at least near.
I'm waiting on a bed, to get out of here, to get out of my head, and away from the clear.
Even though you probably don't think of me.. I still love you dearly.