When the world has exhausted me from continuously unresolved misunderstandings,
I retreat back to the inner workings of my mind and soul.

Trying to accept that even though I wish to settle inside of strangers
That I am just not a being to be comprehended.

I must be just a ghost.
Barely visible,
A sound in the background,
A closing door,
A whisper in the room.

Making you wonder if you really heard something or was it just your imagination?

I must be a superstition.

I continue to pass through them, trying to reach a soul,
but I am not even on the same plain of existence as you.

Setting our bridge on fire was hard
But as the fire burned
It lit up the dark that you had me surrounded in.

I saw that your bridge wasn't the only way.

She buried herself deep within the dirt. Coming back, pushing past surface, like a sprout catching sun for the first time.

Break through.
Tap in.

Her tears were sweet instead of salty.
Watering all that could be,

And all the while inside the quiet of the Earth's womb,  she thought,
"Thy will be done."

When I granted room to grow
And held an open door for my mind
My soul snuggled inside
More comfortable in it's shell than ever before.

Blow the candles
Make merry wishes
Don't matter
Soon comes farewell kisses
School crammed down like medicine
Or you can work everyday
Which is worse in comparison?
Don't matter
Either way you're losin' that money
Hope you can keep a roof and your ride.
Poor kid, oh honey,
Ain't anywhere for you to hide.
No one told you this is what you were signin' up for
Life of work, Life of chores.
Now you're in
And there ain't a way out.
Here drink this alcohol
It'll help without a doubt.
It's how the rest of us cope
Maybe add a lil' dope.
Ask yourself how in the hell
Did your parents even get a house?
When you're over here
Fishin' out the quarters from your couch.
You lay your head down to go to bed
Dreading the time the sun peeks through the window
Gotta go back to work,
With depression following you like your shadow.
Oh you wanna cry?
Dear child, I couldn't fathom why.
This is just how life works.
Maybe you need to go to church.
Oh yes, God will help
He ain't even there
But delusions are nice
When you're not in the best of health.
Just be patient, keep waitin.

Clutching, grasping, reaching, grabbing,
Tear, Seize, Rip, Claw, and sink yours hands
Into whatever you can
To make it feel like you're alive
And that you're not quite ready
To close those pretty little eyes.
Grab whatever you can
Life's a ****** ******' mess
Find something you can sink your teeth into
Cause as everybody says,
This is just the way to success.

Please I beg of you

That no matter how hard it gets

Or how misunderstood your heart becomes,

Do not let this chaotic world turn
You cold.
Please don't allow yourself to become as hard as ice.

Let yourself forgive and forgive and forgive.

Don't fight love,
Let it in.
Keep your fire.

Holding back just slowly makes you like the rest of them.


What kind of world would we live in
If we didn't have people strong enough to show people
That love and only love
Is what keeps the rest of this freezing world, warm?

You walked in,
And I could feel everything bursting through the door.
Emotions swirling around you to the point I think it spun me dizzy
But it woke me up,
And I was hoping I could just catch
A little bit of that wind
Comin' off you;
My grand tornado.

I want her to be so down to earth that I can smell the soil on her skin.
I want to bury my face in her hair and her neck and feel her peace,
The way it shows in her smile
I want to touch it.

I want her to be so natural that it feels like I'm running through a forest
and when I grab her it's like grabbing handfuls of the leaves that are underfoot.
She tastes like the first smell of autumn.

I want her heart to love me the way the sun sets on the valley.
Bursts of color that are so warm you long for it to stay longer
as it disappears into the cool night.

Let us collide like a waterfall on the rocks
and splash into each others souls.

Staring blankly,
My finger slowly traces the circle
Again and again.
Wet and smoothly gliding
Along the ****** edges
Of the gaping hole
That was my chest.

I didn't realize how much I missed the sounds of a busy road.
Cars rushing past,
Swish, swish,
Swish, swish.

It was comforting to listen to as I slept,
Like how others enjoy the pitter patter of rain.
Might just be preferred childhood habits,
Who knows?

I think I missed feeling closer to home too.
Even though I was so sure I could always live without them,
Maybe..
I was wrong.

They were full of expectation,
Harsh opinions that sometimes stabbed like knives when they came out,
And they didn't ever really see the way I'd wince at the papercuts.
The subtle sting left afterwards.

Yet, I needed them like they preached their need for me and I guess I can say...
I
Love
Them.

Sometimes blood isn't always thicker than water
But water is a simple drink that passes through you,
And blood,  
Stays.
Blood runs in your veins.

When mortality flees and I am nothing more than bones and dirt,
Will I begin to feel you on a level my humanity is blocking?

Can I see the parts that you always felt were too ugly and too broken to show another soul?

I want to know a rawness that no one has ever known.

I am the weeds growing between the cracks in the concrete.
A beautiful marigold, reminding others of sunshine
But I am still deadly, filled with bitter dandelion milk.

                                       No matter how pretty.
                                                  I am still,
                                                      Just
                                                        A
                                                    ****.

I killed your hopes and dreams
but... How?
I am the very thing that makes them come true.
I fly peoples wishes in the wind.

                                     No matter how magical.
                                                  I am still,
                                                     Just
                                                       A
                                                    ****.

I come back after every **** spray that decays me down to a black, ashy, flower imprint on the sidewalk.
I sprout back with more sunny flowers and more wish seeds.
I have rooted myself.

                                     No matter what you do
                                               I will always
                                                     Grow.
                        
                                 Your honey-colored nightmare.

I am scared to become human again.

This mind has expanded and this Eye has

lifted this world from grey to color.

If you only could read these words and understand

The me that you knew

Has left the view.

I am I N F I N I T E

and I seep into the dirt and the leaves,

pieces of me are in everything and them in me.

I can finally feel it all so much stronger.

I am no longer here,

I am with

The Mother and The Father.

I'm walkin' on a tightrope,
Holding precious glass,
And I've never really learned
Quite how to balance.

But if by chance
I tip on stance
With this perfect glass,
Slip through my hands,
I hope I fall too
And get cut on you.
So I have scars to prove,
That I never deserved,
To carry you.

They all say they want to talk about something deep.
They all say they want to open up their minds,
go further than regular minds can think.

Then when they get the chance to open up they run and hide
Or they serpentine past all the things
that might have made them change
and they just go by living off the saying that they "tried."

They think they know what they want but they aren't a poet.
They aren't here in the deepest parts of the ocean.
Their minds don't drift on the wind and hear the song it whispers.
They can't feel this emotion.

It's no one's fault.
It must just be a gift at birth,
But they aren't here to unearth
the things that swirl around their hearts or
the ships that sail on their devotions.

They can barely taste the drops that drench their souls
Because they simply just don't know.

I guess that's why we're here
To write and to feel
all that they can't muster
and even though I get flustered
I just don't belong to the world
Where a feeling can be explained as
Simple.

I am so tired of hearing I'm too deep.

How about instead of saying

How much you love the ocean

You just start saying

You like swimming with the waves on the shore?

I only have time for people who like to scuba dive,

Not those who snorkel

On the surface.

I am somewhere out there in the sun when it is setting,
Waiting for the stars;
Or I am there as it is rising,
Waiting for the colors to burst in the sky.
I am most in love with this world
When it is asleep.

I'm scared to transform myself into a butterfly,
Not because I'll be different
Or that's it's too hard to try,
But rather
I'm worried you'll still be a caterpillar
And I'll be able to fly.

I shout at the stars in the night,
I shout in my mind, and
I think my heart even screams sometimes
For any kind of life
To hear my cries for help.

My throat becomes so burnt
That no sound comes out.

My lungs on fire,
Begging for more oxygen to fuel them.

Yet, there is no one.

I wonder,
Is it because we all are walking through the flames?
Stuck in our own pain
That any other's fire
Just isn't dire,
Because you all are still trying
To figure out how to extinguish
yours..

I've grown up with wide eyes and a wider smile.
Messy short hair and dirt on the end of my nose.
I loved people and the world I lived in was magic.
Cruelty didn't exist.

As loving as I was
I always kept my mouth shut.
Cause everyone always had gaping mouths and bug eyes
When I'd simply speak my mind.

I've learned to sift through my thoughts and emotions just like flour.
They have always been the worth of dust anyway.
Taken for nothin.
Still I just kept it all to myself.
Sometimes I'd mess up and it'd slip out
and if I got those dropped jaws
I'd stick my nose in the air and pretend
I didn't care.

Writing was my only way out and my journal knew me better than my lifelong friends.
I knew everyone around me, I could practically read minds.
Still my mouth only opened now and then
but mostly just a strong, closed dam.

Now that I'm out on my own
Without people always hovering like vultures, picking at every little thing
that flies out of my mouth,
It's hard not to just let it all fall out.

I've kept a mask and a crusty outside and anything else you could possibly think of
To make sure I never crushed someones delicate eggshells.
My tongue tip toed around words.
To others it always looked like I was putting myself out there
And never worrying
About the wondering stares.

But now I'm just sick of it.
If I'm mad I wanna yell it.
If I'm sad I wanna cry and burst at the seams I kept so well knit.
If I think you're a pretty stranger I wanna say so
I want to be the person I've hidden from the world
Cause I just was never welcomed.

This world is so used to pretending to be delicate flowers but when it comes to others
They stomp and rip people apart.
Plucking every last petal.

I am so tired of pretending you're all delicate.
Like you can't handle it
Cause it was never fair that I didn't get to be who I've always been because you could shout the loudest.
And I'm not mean, but if I have an opinion, and you don't agree
Then stop telling me I'm too young to understand.
Stop telling me I'm crazy or off the bend.

I'm not ignorant, I actually get it.
And ya maybe sometimes its ******* offensive, so what?
I'm learning who I am and sometimes that might come off wrong
But I'm stumbling along
With little to no help from you all.

Everyone has a rule book for how everyone should act.
This is how it's done
This is how its gotta be.
Well to me, you're all just annoying.

I'm just sick of being pushed and shoved and buried.
Somewhere I can't be seen anymore
SO therefore
I can't be heard either.

Well I'm just going to push through the crowd.
I'm gonna make sure that I break free from this "norm"
Whoever deemed it to be just that.

Stop telling me,
For Christ's sake,
Stop telling me how to be myself.

I tried to love you with everything I had.
My love stirred up the darkness,
Shined a light and
Woke up your demons..
They didn't want love from me..
And one day I realized
Its because they wanted love
From you.

What a pesky pesky itch inspiration is,
Especially when you have no way of scratching it.

After speaking for so long to deaf ears,

You get sick of speaking at all.

After a while you scream and shout,

Hoping to split ear drums that you have pounded on for so long,

Hoping your words finally form the "correct" sentence,

But it never does

And you fall silent

No longer caring for being heard.

I don't understand why I keep filling the void with the things that are supposed to make me happy but I'm just not.

How? Why?

I have every reason to be grateful.
I have everything I could probably ever need now but there's a void and I can't figure out what I'm so **** ******* sad about. So empty for.

I dive deep into my being, into my heart and mind and I can't find it.

The hunger that resides in me.

Is it human?

Is that why we are basically parasites on this planet?

Constantly taking but never giving.

Where the actual **** do I belong?

Where is my home?

Where do I go?

What should I do?

No one is here to tell me now.
No one is here to tell me how.
No one is ******* here.

Stomp!
           Stomp!
                      Stomp!
On my rose colored glasses,
  Feeling the delightful crunch
    Between my shoe and the concrete
      As I twist my foot back and forth.

             I'm done with that style.
               I want to see the ugly.

I want so badly to sink into something more than this earth.
An essence that I just can't seem to grasp.

I can touch nature,
Feel the wind on my face
and toes in the dirt.

I can pluck flowers,
feel the warmth of a trees bark
Just like I can glide my hand along someone's skin but...
What's underneath it all?

Will I ever be able to blend into someone the way paints do
and make a new color all our own that no other two beings can make?

Oh the push and pull
Of the warrior/victim mind.

Bravely I have fought.
How bravely will I die?

My heart says continue on,
But my mind is ready to lay it all down.

I, unarmored and unarmed,
Lay on my back towards the sky.
Hoping that surrender
Will help me close my eyes.

But there it is,
The pounding in my chest.
My heart with every beating
Whispers, "it isn't time for rest."