I am a mess piled on top of a mess piled onto more mess..

If you want the perfect analogy for what kind of person I'll be in your life just think of that pile of laundry you push aside on your bed every night . . .

I want life to leak out of me and for others to drink from my soul.
Breathe a new passion you've never known and shine,
Shine and ignite those below you.
Let's burn, burn with a fire
That only a few can taste.
Let's grow higher than we ever imagined and fly up,
Nothing but smoke,
A whisper.
Touch heaven and stars
Make love like never before and live,
Live forever as we touch
The sky and our hearts.

You don't have to have complete confidence and self-esteem to love dear, you don't.

What cannot do is when you stick your nails into someone and bite down so that you can latch on. Leeching.

You
Both
Must
Have
Freedom.

If you can not allow that without every worry and doubt squirming underneath your skin until it drives you mad,
Well,
Then that is where work is needed.

Otherwise,
Eventually
You will **** them dry.

I never needed someone who would fly off the handle with me
Inflated by dreams
And soaring on fantasies
No.

I needed an anchor.
Solidity
Concrete and a strong tie on my idealism.

So be the man flying the kite
Steering me in the way I need to go.

While she enjoys the sky
You enjoy her graceful flight.

Unwillingly in my soul
I have accepted the end.

Like the way we beg in our minds
Every morning that our loved ones
Never passed away,
Yet the sinking truth soaks in
And it's weight punches you in the stomach all over again.

I've accepted your absence
In the way mourners live
In the denial stage.

I am the dim star that twinkles
hoping that you'd make a wish on me.

I am the flickering light bulb that
just needs a lil tightening.

I am the coals on the fire hearth
Waiting for you to give me breath.

Yet they walk on by,
Not realizing
I'd make their wishes come true,
I'd light up an entire room,
I'd give them warmth when they are cold.

I am the things that make you feel not so alone.

It's dangerous,
The way I've sewn parts of you
Through every fibre of my being.

Now that you've messed up
All I can hear at random times
Is a tearing sound,
Like when you rip apart cloth.

Little by little
With every anxious thought
I rip you out.

Little by little
I try to forgive you,
Rethreading to repair.

What kind of tapestry
Will I be in the end?

There's too many things unsaid.
Too many feelings left to rest
But I'm hearing a scratching against
The tomb stone lid.  

A skeletons fingertips scraping rock because they will not rest in peace.
No, not this time.

They will come back to life
Over and over again.
Resurrected at the thought of you.

Love never dies.

Why am I considered strange for holding out my heart,
Bare,
In the world for all to see?

It's sad isn't it?
When blatant love for humanity
Is weird because you're
"Strangers."

I am no stranger
To love and kindness.
And if it was supposed to only be handed to those who have more time
Under thier belt,
Then I guess my clock is broken.

It could be 1 second
Or 1 year,
But I'll hold you if you feel alone
And I'll talk and listen if you
Need an ear.

My heart is naked out here
And filled with endless care.

I'm not afraid, nor will I ever be afraid,
To bleed for someone.

Self Love.

A plant inside of us all that we have to constantly remember to water

And grow with.

Imaginary butterflies that danced around my head in a halo,
Flowers and twigs and leaves
That stuck out of my hair
And little kisses from the sun
That people called freckles.

Hands that were powerful enough
To open doors that turned into portals.

Eyes that saw fairies and magical things.

Ears that heard talking trees.

I was a kid
Idealistic and dreamy as could be.

Then I grew up
And somehow the stars were dimmer.
Summer didn't smell like adventure
And winters snow was just ice
And no longer glitter.

Swings didn't make me fly
And slides weren't a dragons tail.
I was just a girl that believed in things that weren't ever real.
With a heart that beats still,
Wishing to believe that it'd all come true
But more than anything
I just wish that sometimes
I could age back.
Maybe only for a little while
Maybe forever.
Just wish I hadn't thrown my imagination down the hatch.

I always thought I was a healer for the broken and somehow the
lost found me.
I thought I was whole and the one who was open
But then I caught a glimpse in a mirror, and I saw her.

Cracked eyes and chipped shoulders,
Once a stone masterpiece that could have been marveled in all her glory.
Those broken soul's storms she endured to make sure they saw the sun have had an effect.
She is weathered down and wonders if a chiseler will ever come around to bring her back to life.

I've dug so deep into the mines of my soul
That I can't find an escape.
There was once a magic and wonder,
But now
I can't get out of this cave.

I no longer want to mine
Looking for answers made of gold.

I just want it to stop caving in.
Stop feeling so alone.

Tink, Tink, Tink.
Here I go again.
Is it worth continuing down
To the Earth's core?

I'm going to burn or suffocate
Possessed to look for more.

Tink, Tink, Tink.
It's so hot and it burns here in my chest
But here I am again.

Fracking every little piece until the substance
is found.

The most valuable minerals of my soul.

I'm ready for my same heart.

Where is the sweetest soul in the universe?

The kindest.
The most gentle.

I will find you if you find me.
I will see you if you see me.

I want to look in the mirror and see you in myself.

Is it really so true that fear can keep us trapped and imprisoned by nothing but mere thoughts?

Invisible bars with such real rigidness in their stance.

Within these walls I wonder, is it normal to watch another person cry and feel like it's the most intimate you can be with a person? And if so, what does that say about what I'm putting up with?

You can open my legs repeatedly, but you'll never know me there; because unlike other humans I live in my heart.

If you know the key to that door isn't your ****, even though it fits, but it was your deepest secrets, would you dare to open me still?

Should I consider the ones who answer no to be cowards?

And maybe that is why I have grown to hate you. Because I stand in the bravery of authenticity but still tremble at the thought of being alone.

So maybe then in actuality I hate myself too.

In conclusion, I suppose I hate neither.

I only hate the mirror you are that shows me who the real coward is here, and I'm sick of staring.

My
Incessant
Struggle to
Understand myself.
No one else
Dares to
Even
Really
Seriously
Try. Not even for
One *******
Ordinary
Day.

Today isn't much different than yesterday but it feels like there's never goin to be good news in sight.

Today feels like all responsibilities and the future days are weighing down on me.

Today feels like I won't have food tomorrow.

Today feels like I won't have a safe place to live next year.

Today feels like I'll never find the happy solution to it all.

Today *****.
Today I hit a wall.
Today I fall.

Sometimes I wish I'd never opened the door to motherhood
Because its tearing me apart that there's going to be just as many last times as there were first times.

I wish I could freeze these moments
To live in them again,
If not forever.

I hope one day I can glide my hand across the pages of my story and confidently say as I close the book,
"It was a good read."

My skeleton is just a bone dry cage
That's trapping all of this expanding universe that is me,
Bursting at the seams.

I wonder if some kind of big bang or supernova destruction could unleash the power that I feel burning in my soul.

What meteors do I have to smash to create something as amazing and awe inspiring as shooting stars?

Do all artists suffer this way?

I just want to explode and create my own entire galaxy
And leave a mark so admirable you can't ignore my beautiful choas.  

Whether I am a star or a volcano or a geyser I will find a way to let it out and I'm going to be as inexcusable as a natural disaster.

You can be the fire
And I can be the air.
Fueling flames and going higher.

We can twist and dance,
Spin and twirl.
Essence of Earth,
Hidden, buried pearl.

I can be your tornado
And you can be my inferno.
"Natural disasters"
Booming thunder
But also, a worldly wonder.

I may love the silence,
The night sky,
The lights on the horizon of those still awake,
But one thing I do not enjoy about being a night owl
Is that most times there is no one else to enjoy it with
Other than the moon.