I never thought you would
You never had the strength before
I saw you holding her hand
Is that your strength now
Do your finger intertwined with hers give you the strength to say the things you did
Is she why you finally did it
Is she really better then anything I could be
Did you really mean it
You never gave me a shot
And I told you to

But I never thought you would

I haven’t touched another guy since alex….
I never really thought I would
well not for some time.
I went on a few dates ….even tried it again with alex but knew none of these boys did I want my lips to touch with. 

Until you….

I let you kiss me…
again…
and again….
and then again when you pushed me against my car….
then again when you pushed me down inside my car….
then when I said wait and you said okay It felt good.
I felt everything in my stomach unclench and every wall come down and I thought I would finally be okay 

For that feeling I lied 

For that feeling I entered another bedroom basement

For that feeling I laid in your bed

for that feeling I let myself go

Then you dismissed me….I became a *****…to dramatic…blowing up your phone….annoying you…because clearly you had so much to do that didn’t involve me. 

But each time when I had you between my lips….you had the time to kiss me over and over
you didn’t find me dramatic or ****** with your ****
stuffed down my throat
But I guess once you got what you wanted I was no longer something you wanted to deal with…

I tried.
I tried to forget that summer
I tried to stop thinking about you
I tried to let it go
I tried to like other boys

I learned.
I learned other boys are cruel
I learned other boys are rough
I learned other boys are to much
I learned other boys are controlling

I question.
I question why you don't call me out on these
I question why you don't realize these are about you
I question why you don't just ******* talk to me
I question why you don't give this a shot

I sigh.

Because I know I will forever be a silly little girl who likes the shadow of a boy who will never come back for me though I've grown and changed and still feel a flame in the pit of my stomach every time I see anything with your name pop onto my screen

You took advantage
of how much I loved you
and then screamed at me
for not loving you
the way you wanted to be loved.