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Tonight I realized that
you weren't the one
who wrecked me,
ruined me,
or destroyed me.

It was me.

Because only I
have the power to
do that to myself.

                                        I destroyed myself
                                        by loving you.
I'll never forget the look on your face.
I'll never forget that phone call at 7pm.
You nudged my arm and by the look in your eyes I could tell something was wrong.
"Uncle Markie is dead."
Four words that should never be in the same sentence.
The first thing you say to me is, "how do we tell her?"
My eyes filled with tears and they wouldn't stop falling.
This was the first time that my father;
The man who has always has the answer,
The one with the key to fix everything,
Didn't know what to do.
I didn't know what to do.
How can you tell your mother that her brother, her best friend is dead?
I'll never forget how she tried to run away.
She kicked and screamed and cried.
There was nothing I could do to fix it.
She kept saying, "it's not true, it's not true, how did it happen?"
My dad and I looked at each other
How do you tell someone that their brother took his own life,
Because he couldn't bare living life any longer?
I had to be the one to tell you,
I wish I could take it back.
Because seeing your mother break before your very eyes does something to you.
My uncle took a piece of me with him.
I'm still hoping for the day when I can be whole again.
But I don't think that will ever happen.
Erasing me
and replacing me
are two entirely
different ideas.

One
has been proven very easy.

The other
cannot be done.
 Jun 2014 Cassie Stoddard
dixt
THE WAY YOU SMOKED YOUR CIGARETTES.
Burning your lungs,
inhaling your sadness.

THE WAY YOUR THOUGHTS ROT IN YOUR HEAD.
And how you still denied
yourself forgiveness.

THE WAY YOU HELD ME ON WINTER NIGHTS.
And how your heart
was still colder than me.

AND THE WAY I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
No matter how much
I tried to be.
Body language, it must be her body language
I catch myself staring at her confidence, sorry girl if I can't explain this
You see your aura shows gold and your passion shines bright
Your heart beats fast because of your sleepless, nervous nights
Of the thought that a man may actually know how to treat ya, greet ya, and hell maybe show honest affection
He may actually just wanna lay with you and hear you speak without any degrating corrections
You're a star. Beyond that in this abstract world where you and I are
As we lay ontop of the car and I point out the Little Dipper you show me the idea of comfortable love by tomorrow
Midnight kisses, sensation from my misses
It's the opportunities in life's that we should cherish that's my mission
Tear drops coming from a broken mask as we bash and I pour my stubborn heart into her empty glass
To find something that can forever last
No matter what the sceptics say
Girl, I don't listen to chatters I listen to only what my mind will say.
Follow me. I wanna guide you. I wanna show you. I know I didn't allow myself to feel the grasps of a good woman
But I held on
**I never released. I believe in the chance of us...can you believe in the idea of me?
Script
Today for the first time in quite awhile,
upon my face grew a genuine smile.

It wasn't fabricated, it was honest and true
and when reality hit me I was left feeling blue.

I was so surprised, it was hard to even speak.
How long had it been? A month or a week?

My smile had faded as quickly as it grew,
but I know it'll be back the next time I think of you.
My head doctor told me I was "existentially depressed"
I know I don't post much anymore
But to this I keep score
How thankful I am of y'all :)

You listen to my jabbering rhymes
In the best and worst times
And support me always :)

33 of you there are
Enough to fill many many cars
National and international :)

Some write sad songs
Others really long
Some of y'all write both :)

And to the ones that have became friends to me
I thank you most of all
For sticking by me
No matter the fall :)

Thank you followers :)
I'm in a very weird mood today
I might **** myself
Or would that be seen as rude?
Maybe I'll just leave my heart on this shelf

Get out of my head I don’t need this
I want to survive but I cannot resist
The feeling of cold steel on my skin
Is too beautiful like the hug of a kin

I’m in a strange mood today
I might **** myself
Or is this just obscene
Maybe I’ll just place my soul of this shelf

Get out of my head I don’t deserve this
I want to fight but Santa Muerte I cannot resist
The feeling of euphoria is near it’s said
So let me lie in this infinite bed
I tried to write a poem
To express how I feel
But there is no order of words
That could properly illustrate what
I so deeply wish to say
No rhyme scheme
Could make it more meaningful
No gracefully placed word
That is in just the right spot
Could compare your beauty to anything in this world
So my deepest fear
Is that you will never understand
How I feel
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