I'm so scared of so much. Of life, of love. I let this fear get to me and then I end up doing nothing, being nothing. I want to be brave and adventurous and **** and carefree and while I may be able to pretend, I'm not really. I'm not any of those things and I hate it. I hate myself. I'm trying to better myself. My school attendance has gone up, I've been cleaning, I think I got the job I interviewed for. It's not enough. That's the problem. I push myself so much that I'll never be good enough. I'll never pass the bar, cross the finish line. And the sad thing is, I think I like it that way. It's not that I don't want to be an A+ human being, it's that I know I don't deserve to be one. And so everything is only okay. Sure, I cleaned the house last night, but eww, look at that. Such a **** up. Wow, you got 2 hearts on that poem. And you call yourself a writer. Wannabe loser. Didn't go to school today? How do you ever expect to go to college? Failure, dumb, *****, ****. I don't even know how I would deal if I loved instead of hated myself. I think that's why I date losers. They magnify the fact that I'm worthless, not good enough. It's terrible, but it's my life and that's that. But doesn't it make me mediocre for not trying harder to change it? And if I do try and change then I don't make it good enough. It's a cycle.