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1.8k · Mar 2014
I just wanna be held today
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
I don't think I can take
it
if I see him today.
He doesn't even
*******
go to
college
here.
Washed up loser **** ***.
Stay home and get high and play video games.
That's all you ever wanted,
right.
No responsibility
Cassie Stoddard May 2014
I don't think love has a definition. So giw do I know that what I felt, what I feel for you isn't love? And I know that I'm just me and I'm not inside if your head but I want to believe that you feel something for me too. Maybe it was all just a game. But I believed you when you said it wasn't. Everybody deserves a happy something and even though this whole **** thing blew up in my face I did get that. I got that happy something for a little while. What about you? I want to say that I wouldn't go back but honestly. If you showed up right now I would make love over and over again with you. I would feel pain and happiness religiously if you wanted it too. But that's the thing. Maybe I love you and maybe this is just wishful thinking but I get to decide. I choose more. I know you don't and I get it. But I would kiss you in the rain and make you laugh and try to be **** and cuddle and listen to your sleepy mumbles. I'll sing in the car and eat not enough food and go mini golfing and make love and kiss you until our breathes become one. Know this. Know that I am an option. You simply chose to give up.
Cassie Stoddard May 2014
I once read that we spend all of our lives rewriting the first poem that we ever fall in love with.

I guess that when I was born the universe whispered your name in my ear.

Because that's what I am writing. Over and over again. Your name.

My love.

I will write about how I miss you until the universe brings us together again.

Till the wind whispers your name.

And then. I will spend the rest of my life rewriting you.

Over and over.

Every kiss. Every sound. Evey way you love.

Until our hearts are imprinted together.

Until the universe realizes that there is no you without me. That ours souls cannot be spereated.

And even then. On that day. I will write about it.
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
to my sister, Karen, I know you just threw up your dinner. Please stop. I would give my life to erase the scars from your body and the pain from your stomach. You are beautiful and I wish  I looked like you. I know. Life is hard and it never feels good enough, but that's okay. It doesn't have to be. I'll hold you and hug you and love you. I love you. I am so sorry for calling you fat when we were little. Sometimes I think it's my fault and I just want you to be okay. I just want you to be okay. You are so beautiful. More beautiful than anything I can think of, inside and out. I love you.
2. to my sister, Destiny, stop pushing us away. I miss you and I wish I could build a home for you. I love you even when you become really mean and I cry and yell at you. You can be honest with me. I'm not gonna leave and I know that's hard to believe but it's true. I would do anything for you. I love you so much. You need to believe and accept it.
3. to my sister, Amy, it's okay to grieve. She's your mom. Cry as much as you want. It's okay. I miss you and I wish you still lived here. I know it ***** and it's hard but I am so so so proud of you. More than you know. You inspire me and I love you.
4. to my mom, do you remember? You abandoned us. And that was the last straw. I honestly don't even like calling you mom anymore, because you aren't. We need you. I hate you so much. ******* ******* *******. I'm scared that you're not gonna be okay if I hate you but at the same time I don't really care anymore. Do you remember abusing me? And trying to **** yourself and scaring me? Why? What did I ever do? I just wanted you to love me.
5. to my dad, i'm scared i'm turning into you. I'm drinking too much and I like it. I just want all the sad to go away and it and *** helps. I don't want to be like you. You're never there when we need you and you think we're supposed to be fine. We're kids! I want to be a teenager, but you stole that from me. I don't believe you anymore. Isn't that sad? I miss you daddy. Where did you go? You're not the same person anymore. Why?
i think this is one of the most honest things i've ever written. i'm shaking and crying and i don't know. i need somebody, but they leave. i want a friend
Cassie Stoddard Jul 2014
When I said was that those things didn't make you a sociopath and I knew that because I fall for sociopaths.

What I meant was that those things couldn't make you be that because I like you and I don't like unhealthy things anymore.
1.1k · Feb 2014
Breathing
Cassie Stoddard Feb 2014
sometime
the need to write
scribbling words on paper
is as strong as the need to write
but the thought scares me
and so
i push the urge deep down
and hold my breath
but then
i cannot hold it any longer
and i let it out
letting the writing become me
an when im done
tears flow
not because the writing is beautiful
but because it is captivating
to let loose those things that i kept hidden
and because
i finally allowed myself
to breathe
1.0k · Mar 2014
Hurting
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
Why the
hell
does life get so
difficult and confusing and sad.
I son't know what to
do.
926 · May 2014
things I wish I could say
Cassie Stoddard May 2014
I would love you more than she ever could.
2. I came home and cried, then showered and cried and then slept and cried. Can you kiss my tears away?
3. Why am I not enough? What is so wrong with me? I love you but you can't return the favor.
4. Your lips are beautiful. The way you grab me close. The things you say in your sleep. You are silly and frustrating and enticing and all together beautiful.
5. I saved one of your poems. It could have been about anybody. It could have been about me. I wish it were about me. My answer would be yes. I hope hers is too.
6. I wouldn't mind you breaking my heart as long as you loved me gently while it lasted.
7. What is it about her? Are you happy? You never answered that question.
8. I want to hear poetry about me fall from your lips.
9. Friday, when we went out and made love, was one of those date days that I wanted.
10. Can we just go back and eat ice cream and hula hoop and type on hats?
11. Please don't ignore me now. I want to kiss your lips every time I see you but  I will stop myself. I almost laid my head on you at rehearsal but then remembered.
12. I'm sorry that I fell in live with you. I hate myself for it.
13. If I showed you this would you are? I want you to grab me tight and not let go. Tell me that you do want me you're just scared. I'll hold your hand. Make my dreams reality.
14. Darling. You make me dizzy. You are words cannot express. You were mine and I was yours, no matter how short it lasted.
I wanted him to say that he did want me but our desires do not usually happen in real life.
870 · May 2014
to all my old lovers
Cassie Stoddard May 2014
Its on night
when I hate you
the most
that I
wish
you were here.
765 · Mar 2014
Betrayal
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
Do they all leave or do I push them?
I say that nobody is dependable that all go at some point.
Look at me.
My mom, an abusive sociopathic ***** and my dad, a narcissistic drunk.
No wonder my love life is sour.
No wonder I don't trust.
I'd rather **** and be done then love and be hurt.
Betrayal.
Do you think it's possible that I'll ever love and not be hurt?
Do I betray others?
I told him. Jordan. I told him at the beginning about me. About how everybody leaves and it's because of me.
But he gave me pinkie promises and listened to me when I cried.
And I maybe lost my virginity to him. And we spent most nights of our year plus relationship together. And then my mom skipped town and he broke up with me.
Why did you guys leave?
I'll be better. I promise. I promise. *******. I promise. Please please please please.  
And I pulled a razor against my skin and I had been good for so long.
Guess I betrayed myself too.
I have the word **** on my wrist. It used to say love.
But that left too.
752 · May 2014
fuck me. I'm one of them
Cassie Stoddard May 2014
God. I am in so
**** deep.
I don't know if I can
get out.
I know that I
don't mind.
723 · Aug 2015
Untitled
Cassie Stoddard Aug 2015
I'm sitting on the ******* toilet crying and all I think is I that I need to write. Ihadve to write. I am not good enough .I havenever been good enough but in this space, when I write IAMGOOD. I am a not pretty or **** or desirable but I am an author and if that's not enough *******. You'll probably end up in my words anyway
718 · Mar 2014
Realization
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
I'm the one who
always
***** things
up.
686 · Apr 2014
Untitled
Cassie Stoddard Apr 2014
Be my lover.
I will hold your hand and run through the rain.
I will kiss you under a midnight sky, overcast with stars.
I will hog the radio and scream-sing at the top of my lungs.
I will drink far too much coffee and read never enough poetry

Be my lover.
You will smile at me and call me beautiful.
You will pick me up for late night coffee and ice cream runs.
You will make love to me and show me what it is to fall.
You will have a past and a present and a future and it will be beautiful.

Let's be lovers.
We will kiss and cuddle and love.
We will fight and scream and curse.
We will live and ride this crazy life out until our infinity ends
We will be a miracle, a crazy, insane, happy, miracle.
633 · Feb 2014
How To Win My Heart
Cassie Stoddard Feb 2014
Listen. Look, I know I talk too much and I may rant a lot, but if you just listen that's enough. I don't want advice, just acknowledgement and a hug.

2. Laugh. I may drop all the contents of my purse when I flirt with the cashier. I'm never perfectly groomed. I trip on my own two feet. I sing at the top of my lungs off key to the Frozen Soundtrack. I will use you to smack when my laughter gets me. I love cheesy puns and terrible anti-jokes.

3. Mean it. I'm both cynical and passionate. Don't take my ****, but don't leave for no reason. My heart is broken. I'm not asking you to fix it. Just don't lie and hurt it worse. Please.

4. Kiss. Don't be afraid. Grab me and kiss me and pin me down and have me. Love me. I don't believe in simplicity. When we make love, make love. It's supposed to feel like something.

5. Live. Let's take a walk in the rain so I can wear my galoshes and jump in puddles. Tease me because I **** at being a vegetarian and then buy me some chicken. Hold me when I cry because I'm tired of abandonment. Don't let me go when I try to leave. Ask me to marry you with a hot sauce packet at Taco Bell. Look at my pinterest. Read my poetry. Play monopoly. Be sarcastic. Call me a *****. Dance and let me step on your toes. Laugh when I try to be ****. Believe in me. Don't leave.

I'm just me. And I want love. And I'll give you all I have. I can be silly and blunt and a ditz. Please, just love me through it all.
631 · Oct 2014
Nirvana
Cassie Stoddard Oct 2014
Sometimes you just need to be alone
Headphones in music blocking the world
Wrapping yourself in a blanket
Pablo Neruda on your lap

Sometimes it's so so so good to just breathe and marvel and song and write and read and be
Just be
620 · Mar 2014
Please
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
When guys ask what I like
(in bed)
I say, rough.
And they usually smile or high five
(i got a high five yesterday)
They don't know that I want
them to
claw my back until
it bleeds
(oh baby, more)
I want my wrists pinned down
(mark them as a souvenir)
Bite my lips
my neck
my body
(i do it, but it's so much better from you)
For some
reason
it hurts
so badly when I ****
(but you shove it anyways and i silently say thanks)
Physical pain is so much better
(yeah, i like it rough)
607 · Feb 2014
Panic Attack
Cassie Stoddard Feb 2014
My chest
caves
and my
throat
hitches.
And in and out.
And in and out.
Breathe is far
away.
Come back to me.
I scream.
But my head
burns and my
eyes ache.
And in and out.
And in and out.
And I can't.
I can't.
I             I            I
can't
stop.
Cassie Stoddard Jun 2014
I cannot eat Asian food
or pork. Or rice.
I don't know why.

The other night I went to a hibachi grill with my friend and his mother and I thought that although I probably wouldn't eat anything I would be fine.
See.I thought I had gotten past the past.

I used to hold my breath when my mom picked up cashew and sweet and sour chicken. I barely breathed the whole way home. I covered up my straw so that the smell wouldn't infuse my soda pop. I state outside until I was positive that all of it was gone.

At the hibachi grill I got pasta. No rice. I had veggies.
They started out giving us salad. I could barely eat it but I was fine. I was fine.
Then they started cooking.

And in my head I heard it.
You won't leave this table until its gone. Stir fry.
My second family once made me feel so insuperior that I don't know how much worse it could get. I sat there.

He put the food on my playe and I cursed and I implored myself.
I ate one noodle.
But those voices. The flashbacks.
I am not good enough.
I cut my noodles onto more pieces than there are people in Japan.

I almost leaped from my seat. They were screaming. Why can't I just eat the ******* food.
Bathroom
Panic attack
Compose myself
Return
I'm fine but they know its a lie.

And so I am so sorry Karen.and I am so sorry everyone because I realized something that night.
I may not have your eating disorder. I don't feel fat and I don't throw up.
But that night I had an eating disorder. And I could barely stand the voices the pressure the memories the hate.
You are amazing. Every day feeling souch pain with food. You are my hero.

I forced myself to swallow one noodle but you make a choice daily to do so much more.
I think I have a price of the puzzle. I don't pretend to understand. But now I know.
Every tiny bite you take. Every time you say no to the toilet you are my hero. And when you fall. You are still my hero.
I love you
Cassie Stoddard Jul 2014
You know how it hits you? The weight just slams into you and wonder how you stood so tall for so long.

Lately I have felt so ugly. Like repulsively ugly. Like to the point where I cry thinking about it and deciding what to wear is a losing battle every day.

I like to sleep with a couple of books on my bed. They keep me company.

I want to let my friend know how hot this fire is getting inside me. I want to know that when I sleep I sometimes think of him.  I want to kiss him and i want to say how I feel like Tiffany does in silver linings playbook.

I am not okay after all. I am heartbreak and loneliness and I will succeed I have to succeed what if I don't succeed

Am I too broken? Lately this glass has been spilled all over the floor and it just keeps pouring and cutting anyone that cares enough to get close.

See I have a problem. I am so scared of being liked of being loved. I joke about the ******* I don't but ******* are safe. They will never truly love me as deeply as I love them they will break my heart all the time and I will cry but I know that we all get what's coming to us.

I want to believe I deserve something good but its so much easier said than done
538 · Mar 2014
Idk who this is to
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
I want to fall in love with
a poet/hippie
who loves me
back and who
writes poetry that I get
and
understands that I stay up all night
shoving the nightmares
away.
Somebody who smokes cigarettes, so we can argue about the little things.
Get drunk with me, get high with me.
But not all the time,
we'll have each other.
Let's do silly things, let's mini golf and cook and love and
be lovers.
And hold me tight.
And please. Please.
Please mean it when you say that
you won't go.
Cassie Stoddard Jun 2014
When is it enough?
How do we get over those people that we once loved?
If I were to describe what I wanted in one word what would it be?
Do I make a positive impact? Or at least one more positive than negative?
Why do I miss him so badly?
Is there a god? Or at the very least somebody who will just ******* listen?

I have all of these holes and I know now that sometimes they cannot be filled and that I just have to live with them but sometimes they feel so big, like they're eating away at my insides and if I don't put a plug to it then I'll just disappear.

It's 4 am and part of me wants to just sleep and part of me is scared that you will be in my dreams and then I'll wake up and you won't be here and I will cry and I am so **** tired of that.

It's too early to stay up and watch the sunrise, but god. I do love those colors.

My cat wants to sleep with me.
At least somebody does.
#foreveralone #catlady

I heard a Sheryl Crow song that goes "the first cut is the deepest" but I know that for me that's never true.
For me, it's the second cut.
When I realize that, ****, I didn't do enough damage and goddanmit if I'll ever be good enough so let's make it ******* rain.
Lets build a hole into my skin, because god knows there aren't enough on my heart.

I don't usually cut. I self-harm in other ways.
I used to cut to abuse myself, but now it's just loneliness that I feel.
I'm so scared of people leaving that I push them away before they get the chance to go.

What if I never meet you because I push you away?
What if there's nothing after this?
And what if my dreams are as good as it gets?

Sitting at my computer, writing ****** poetry at 4 in the morning. I just watched 16 episodes of the first season of One Tree Hill.
This is me.
I am romance on shows and poetry and coffee and too hot but I still use my  blanket and I have a stuffed animal that I snuggle with.
I am me.
And I am ****** up and messed up and wanting for love and lustful tonight and I just want to be hugged and kissed and given a doughnut.

I'm going to bed.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Don't ever let anyone say that nobody loves you. Because I do.
Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite, darling.
509 · May 2014
lazy days
Cassie Stoddard May 2014
Napping this
afternoon
with you
was adorable.
My darling,
let's do it again.
I want to hear your sleepy mumbles
and feel your body against mine.
You kept calling me yours.
"Mine".
I'll be yours. I'm already
yours.
Cassie Stoddard May 2014
I deserve someone
who loves me
back. You
you said that you
"wish you could". I want more than
wishes.
I want poetry and embraces and car rides.
I want ice cream and nose touches and sleepy smiles.
I thought you were something
that you
are not.
I fell in love with the way you
made me laugh, smiled, and how you looked when you
slept.
I think I fell in love with who
I wished
you were.
Because, my love, I don't
recognize you
anymore.
Cassie Stoddard Jun 2014
I always lose my shoes. I eat a bowl of popcorn every day and never put the bowl in the sink. My hair doesn't always stay in the right side. I told my sister that I wish she killed herself the other day. I have terrible attendence. Deodorant covers up my smell but not my stains. I don't write good enough. I don't like sleeping at night. I'm lonely and I make people leave.

I love deep. I can make kick *** deserts. I tell funny ****** up jokes. I make a mean *** of coffee. I like to swing. I like to dance in the rain. I know every word to the frozen movie. I have good taste in music. I'm impulsive. I like coffee and mini golfing and ice cream and hula hooping in the store.

If you hear me when you are crying wondering if you'll ever meet her. If you need a lover a friend a companion. If too sensitive and slightly child like makes you smile. If your heartstrings play music when you read my words.

Then love me back as much as the moon loves the sun. As much as my galoshes love a puddle. As much as a smoker loves the taste of the inhale. As much as I would love you.

I would love you.
499 · Apr 2014
Hashtag Single Life
Cassie Stoddard Apr 2014
The worst part about
living with my
sister and her
boyfriend is that
they are a
pair.
They go to cuddle and I'm here,
pinteresting John Green and writing
poetry. Trying to
convince myself that
this is just as
good. This is equal to cuddling with a lover.
But both my
brain and heart
are too smart for that
****.
465 · Mar 2014
Untitled
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
I'm a feminist because I deserve to walk down the street to the grocery store without getting the **** scared out of me by a honking car. I'm a feminist because although I may have short hair that doesn't make me a lesbian. And if I am a lesbian or bisexual or straight that's all okay. And it's all my business, not yours. I'm a feminist because when I go to look up a **** to watch, it takes so long to find one that isn't demeaning. I'm a feminist because I shouldn't have to make jokes about sleeping around to make it okay. Other people shouldn't judge me on my amount of ****** partners. I'm a feminist because everyone deserves a comprehensive *** education that teaches about all sorts of choices, not just abstinence and not just heterosexual experiences. I'm a feminist because I want to wear a bandeau in public and not be thought of as a ****. I'm a feminist because I hate shaving my legs and that's okay. I'm a feminist because women still make less then men and it's 2014. I'm a feminist because boys are still not supposed to cry, because a girl said that she think trans people shouldn't be on T.V. I'm a feminist because I believe that people should be judged by the way they act and how they treat others, not by their genitalia, something that wasn't even their choice. I'm a feminist because every time a little girl is liberated so is a little boy. I'm a feminist for that little boy in daycare who dresses up as a fairy and for my friends who aren't "straight", for the guy who I know is gay but has to hide because even he believes it's wrong. I'm a feminist for all the children out there being told who they have to be before they even know who they want to be. I'm a feminist because I can't not be.
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
Will anyone
ever
love me? And
if they
do
will I be able to
love them back
without
destroying them?
455 · Mar 2014
I can't
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
My sister told me to
*******
today. She's the reason that I
keep it all
together.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm not strong enough.
445 · Feb 2014
this isn't poetry
Cassie Stoddard Feb 2014
this isnt poetry
scribbling my thoughts on paper
in verse form
this isnt poetry
reaching deep into my soul
and pulling out my feelings
this is more like
journaling
or maybe even
therapy
because for some reason
this writing
this "poetry"
feels theraputic
it leaves you alive
so i guess
that means
that maybe, possibly
this just might
be poetry
437 · Mar 2014
Little Miracles
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
I had a
good day
today
Cassie Stoddard Jun 2014
The winds are rubbing against me and I wish it were a person.
I live with my friend and yet we exchange maybe twenty words day.
I don't want to sleep because I cannot stand the dreams but I do not want to be awake because I cannot stand the loneliness.
Can you feel it when you start to get bad again? When iswearrogodimnotgonnakillmyaelfbutidontknowwhattodoanymore thoughts inhabit the spaces in your head.
This is all too much and yet i hate myself for thinking that.
I feel like
I don't know.

I just don't know
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
I'm sitting here
reading poetry and listening to
"please cheer me up"
music.
It's not
working.
I'm texting a boy. Gonna get
laid. I just read
a poem about
a girl who liked
pain during *******.
And I'm thinking
me too.
So tired.
So tired of love.
It only gives up.
***. Well that can't hurt.
Unless you want it to.
And that, it's a pain
but one I
control.
Deserve.
Want.
Bite me and break me and bruise me and
show me what I am made of.
I don't know. What is it?
Tomorrow I'll brag.
"I'm getting the D. Yeah. ****. Women want it to."
(I'm a feminist)
Tonight, I'll cry. Tonight I'll break.
This weekend.
Then I'll **** until I can't feel anything
but your sweat against mine
and the breaking of my skin.
Cassie Stoddard Jun 2014
Three am is for the poets.
Its for when I can't sleep and instead stay up late, craving a lover I've never had, the are and weird shows on hulu.

Three am is for when my tears are caked in my face.
Its for when my legs burn.
And my heart hurts.

Three am is for k dramas and adult swim.
Its ice cream and cake.
Its for poetry
Cassie Stoddard Jul 2014
Do you not find it funny how neither of us can sleep, simply passing the night one wall away from someone doing the same.
405 · Aug 2014
the special
Cassie Stoddard Aug 2014
I do not want to go sleep alone in my bed and
yes
I realize that my
sister sleeps
there but she is not
strong arms holding me.
I heard his voice tonight and he called her baby. And I don't want to be someone's baby. But I would love to be his.
I hate myself for missing him but he s stuck to me like that Lego piece was stuck to Emmet in the movie.
Except I don't think I want to be
the special
Cassie Stoddard May 2014
All you ever did was lie. You took me in with jokes and words and kisses. You broke me with lies and betrayal and I would have never been good enough.
2. If I am pregnant I just hope it doesn't turn out like you.
3. I love you. Still. Please. One more time.
4. Just kidding. I'm lonely and I know it will never work. I hate you. I hate you.
5. How could you do this. I would have given you everything.
6. I thought that maybe for a second you loved me back. I guess you just got glassy eyed trying to remember which lie to tell.
7. I am drowning in my tears. You said you would be there.
7. I don't believe in love but I believed in you.
7. Go **** yourself.
8. I want to tell your stupid girlfriend so bad. So so so bad.
9. I hate you.
9. I love you.
10. Please text me back. If I texted you I know you would ignore me but I want you to listen. I need you for tonight. Just one night.
I am so lonely tonight. So so so lonely
403 · Jul 2014
She died of loneliness
Cassie Stoddard Jul 2014
Tonight my already fragile soul took yet
another
hit. And I am lonely.
Its a disease. Spreading through my heart to my shaking fingers and my watering eyes.
I want to scream. To run. To curse. I want to rid myself of this disease. I want to chop myself up, melt myself until I am a puddle of goop on the floor.
I want to recreate myself so that I can be someone that you want. That anyone wants.
I am so tired of being torn down and told to rise. I want to run away.
I want to be loved.
402 · Oct 2014
Spotty
Cassie Stoddard Oct 2014
So when you're sitting there
being all hipster and
sinking into your coffee
and melting into your folk/blues/alt music
And you just get it.
Heaven or hell or inbetween doesn't matter because I'm here and this day, this breeze, this song is heaven.

And when things turn to **** and you turn to *** or a beer or a joint or a poem an you inhale and you breathe and you realize that
even during the crap is heaven
even when you are going through hell it's still happiness

And if everything is connected and we are all inverse of each other than good and bad are same and love and hate is same and all is important and all is nothing
Sometimes we act a certain way to fit in and then we realize who we are
Cassie Stoddard May 2014
******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* *******
I deserve someone who loves me back
387 · Aug 2014
screaming
Cassie Stoddard Aug 2014
I wish it had rained earlier and that I had gotten soaked to the bones. I cried it out in the shower but it wasn't the same as dancing it away in the rain.
Every single thing I do is ******* things up. If the rain is heaven the me dancing in it creates a tornado, destroying everything in my path.
I just wanted to get rid of the pain.
I collapsed because sometimes the weight of the water pushes you down until you're not just sinking but your drowning.
I swallow the storm until it flooded out my throat and eyes and nose and then I continued shoving it deep inside me.
Sometimes death feels so sweet.
So so sweet
Cassie Stoddard Jul 2014
I dreamed about you last night and I
should be able to
let you go. *******. But I
thought about you
today and I looked you up on
Facebook and I looked at a picture of us
on my phone.
I can't delete it.
I hate you and I love you.
Two sides of the same coin.
And I miss you although I try not to.
You're crazy and I shouldn't want you but I do. I still do.
I found it funny in a sick twisted way how you chose her when we both knew you wanted me. And you ripped my heart out and I still want you.
Why.
I'm scared that I'll see you at college this fall and I'm scared that I won't.
I am so tired of loving you and I want my heart to stop obsessing over you.
I want to be free but I would let you capture me and break me.
I just remembered.
You two should be living together right now.
I hope you're happy.
I'm
not. I'm not
382 · Mar 2014
My day
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
Lazy Sundays spent
poetry writing
meal planning
kitchen cleaning
school dreading
procrastinating
pinteresting
way way way too much
thinking
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
I am a ****** up ******* **** useless excuse for a human being.
I should never have been brought into this world.
Everything hurts and I just want
it all to
stop.
I'm so tired.
I hate myself.
I hate myself so ******* much
377 · Mar 2014
Thanks, but no thanks
Cassie Stoddard Mar 2014
You don't just get
to
come over and make
small
talk
like everything is fine.
*******.
*******.
You opened the
gates. You gained control
again.
That's what it was about.
You always had to be in
charge.
My ex came over and talked to me today. Feeling extremely lonely now...
People are such *******.
I need a friend
373 · Jul 2014
who I am
Cassie Stoddard Jul 2014
I want to be
making love in the moonlight, gasping for air
dancing until the heat from your body overtakes the space between us filling me up so that I cannot breathe
smoking a joint and drinking a beer and talking about how it gets better
driving so fast with the music so loud that there is no before or after but only now

I am nights spent feeling the moon and craving the sun

I am cannot feel my tounge because I burn it from all the coffee drinking

I am adult swim and haha robot chicken is funny and I'll tumble on tumblr during the commercial

I am singing off key to music that speaks of love and dreams of places I haven't yet been to

I am not alcohol not tonight because I am lonely and afraid of what I might do to my friend. Kiss the girl is what the little mermaid said.

I am tears running away from my eyes and wow isn't that poem beautiful. I just want mine to be beautiful.

I am too long and I don't know when to stop once I start and i should go to sleep but there are crickets singing along and coffee to be drunk and poetry to read and people to love and hate and the sun will rise soon.

The soon will rise soon
365 · Jun 2014
Untitled
Cassie Stoddard Jun 2014
I think that I have fallen for someone new but the scars from my last attempt at romance still burn. I have to bandage them medicate them hide them.

Every day I say that it will be the day. I will tell him but I don't but I can't but I'm scared.

**** **** **** everyone everything that has led me to this thought that I am nit enough. People do like me.
Right?

We watched anime today and I thought of ways to talk about how I feel. About this train that is moving around in the railroad track of my heart and how I'm not sure if it will drop me off in the safety of his arms or in another train wreck.

I was brave. I said I wanted to go to Branson. To silver dollar city and he thought it was a good idea.

Besides. I need this friend. I can't. I may not be good enough for anything more and maybe I am but I'm so scared that I don't know if I'll find out.
Advice? I think I have feelings for my friend. Im currently living with his family and fear us making me oh so fearful
354 · Oct 2014
Hey god. It's me Cassie
Cassie Stoddard Oct 2014
I went to school and got cupcakes with friends, went shopping. Drank and played phase ten. And the loneliness catches up to me

And poetry is the Chapstick for my dry heart. But I want it to be your words. And music may be the key to my tired eyes but I would rather hear your voice.

And this is not enough I scream. These words this tune this hope. I need more. I want more and I deserve more.
Right?

And that little question is what kills me why bruises my bones and breaks my grin. It is what causes my eyes to fill and water to fall.
Rain is my favorite season but sometimes the sun is nice too.
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