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Caitlin Dec 2014
Learn from your past.
Please
I don't want to be hurt again.
Caitlin Jan 2015
Remember December
The life that we knew

Don't you ever forget.
Caitlin Jan 2015
Now mind you, this is not something that you discuss around just anyone...
I am depressed. Not so bad that I have to take pills or see doctors.
But I can't shake this feeling that I'm not worth anything,
Or the one that tells me that all of this is just a lie.
Or even the one that tells me that people actually care about me...
That's why I'm depressed...
Caitlin Jul 2015
What do I want most in life?
I have no idea.
Caitlin Jul 2015
When I was oh, so younger
I used to rule the day
Catching toads
And flying paper planes
Until the lure of pretty girls
Got right in the way
My destiny came calling
And I chased it on the run
Time goes by while tears run smiles
And not every day is fun

The chase was fun,
But oh, how it ended.
They no longer caught my fancy.
I turned to games and friends instead
Until one day, girls started to chase me

And what a merry chase it was
Living and loving just because
Age is a constant gardener
A teacher of self and suffering
The premise of life eternal
An opening of not merely eye
But heart, mind and soul
To find love is to know life
And to know life is life eternal
Captive on a carousel of time
The world is yours, ours and mine

We fell in love and the world erupted in fireworks.
Nothing could have been better.
The pure joy that I felt with her was unrivaled by nothing I've ever felt before.
She was the one.

The one who became my other
Who completed me
Who took me to places love had never shown me
And felt like home
A place to belong
Yes...she was the one


No other could take her place.
She was mine,
Just as I was hers.
We were one, together,
Yet still just me and her.


And in that we found our destiny
Caitlin Sep 2014
More often than not,
I am reminded of Aladdin's struggle.

He grew up with out a life of luxury.
And then he meets Jasmine,
And he transforms himself in to something that he wasn't/isn't.
In hopes of having her falling for him.

What I think of is that he wasn't noticed at all,
Except when he stole bread or did something bad.
Until he became a "Prince".
He sings that "if only they'd look closer..."
That "there's so more to me"

There are some days where I feel like Aladdin.
I've always found truth in Disney. And due to some recent events, I am reminded more and more that I an kinda invisible.
Caitlin Jun 2015
Why do I feel so divided?
Inside my brain.
In my heart.
Why?
Caitlin Oct 2014
I'm done.
I can't deal with the
Stress,
Drama,
Life.
Any longer.

I'm done.
Two times too many this week I found myself crying bc of stress and drama. No longer.
Caitlin Aug 2014
I dreamt about you last night.
Oh, how is it possible for you to haunt me even now?

*And why does it seem like I want you too?
Caitlin Jan 2015
I close my eyes, letting my body succumb to glorious sleep.
My mind wandered.. always making its way to you.
I subconsciously smiled, the way I do when I think of you.
Your face appeared in my mind and I began to dream..

I was dressed in a green floor length ball gown,
With pairs of dancers all around me,
I grin up at my partner, a faceless man.
When the song ends, I slowly clap for the ensemble.

I glance down at the pearl colored dance card tied to my wrist.
A slow smile comes to my face,
I realize my next two dances belong to you.

As you make your way to me,
My eyes appreciate the suit that you're wearing,
Perfectly tailored to your lean and tall body.

You bow, I curtsy.
The Maestro cues the ensemble.
As a simple three step waltz begins,
You take my hand,
and I wrap my other one around your shoulder.
Your other hand gently holds my waist.
We dance, gracefully taking command of the dance floor.

One dance ends and another starts,
As you keep your hold on me,
I'm reminded that this dance belongs to you as well.
I glance at my dance card again
And I notice that my next dance belongs
To someone I'd rather not dance with..
The same man that my father wants me to marry.

You look flustered You say, taking in my slight blush.
I am. After this dance, will you accompany me to the refreshment table? I ask, looking into your light brown eyes.
Anything, my lady. You say and my next breath seems to disappear.

The dance sadly comes to an end,
And we both clap for the orchestra.
You hold you arm out for my arm and I grasp your elbow.
A man comes up to us,
Sir Daniel and Lady Emily. He greets us.
My Lady, Did you forget that this next dance belongs to me?
He asks of me, I slowly smile at him.
Sir Caleb, I did not forget but I am feeling flustered so Sir Daniel has offered to accompany me to the refreshment table. I stated as gently as I could.
But what about our dance, My Lady? He questioned, glancing at Sir Daniel.
As soon as I feel better, I am yours to take to the dance floor, I'll even dance two with you. I state, and quickly regret my words.
Wonderful, My Lady he said and bowed, took my hand and kissed my palm, I look forward to it.
I felt you stiffen next to me as Sir Caleb kissed my palm.
Come, My Lady, and lets get you some wine. You stated.
I grasped your elbow once again and led me to the buffet.
You walked toward it and the servant poured two glasses of white wine.
You handed me one of them,
How is it possible that you look more flustered than you did a few minutes ago? You ask me.
You know why. I stated. I glanced up at you, you smiled.
Yes, I do, Would you like to get some fresh air. You said with a double meaning in your words.
Your eyes search mine, wishing, wanting me to say yes.
Gladly. I think the fresh air will do me good, especially now.
I state, earning a smile from you.

You offer me your arm and I grasp it.
You lead me toward the double doors,
That lead out to the Balcony and gardens.
A butler opens one for us, and you gesture for me to walk through.
I walk toward the end of the balcony and breath in the cool crisp air.
You follow me, and stop a little short of where I'm standing.
Tell me, My Lady, What's troubling you so? You ask me.

I turn to face you and sadly smile,
Sir Caleb, the gentlemen that was next on my dance card; Is the man that my Father wants me to marry.
You walk toward me, Have you tried to reason with him? Told him how you feel?
I laughed. Reason isn't a part of my father's vocabulary. Believe me, I've tried, But Sir Caleb is a business partner that my father wants to add on to his company. It's never a matter of love for him.
You sadly smiled and said, What about your parents? They are clearly in love. Wouldn't your mother be in object to this?
No, actually. My Mother was a product of an arranged marriage too, She just fell in love eventually.
Oh, But I won't fall in love with Sir Caleb, I cant!
I cry.
Come with me, I don't want to attract any more attention. You whisper in my ear, and you lead me down to the steps that lead down to the garden and to a bench, far enough away from the party still inside.

Now tell me, mademoiselle, Why you simply cannot marry, this Caleb? He seeming alright when I met him in the ballroom.
I though about the question You just asked.
How do I go about answering that?
I..I just know I cant. For...
For what? You urged.
For I'm in love with someone else. I said, panicking.  
You stiffen again, beside me.
Well, whoever it is, I swear, they better treat you right, Or they will regret it.  
You said those words with such conviction, that my heart welled up with even more love than I thought humanly possible.
That would a little bit strange I said, knowing that I couldn't turn back now.
I reached for your hand and grasped it.
You looked down at our intertwined hands and glance at me
Your eyes search mine as you slowly fit the pieces together.
You open your mouth to say something and change your mind and close it again.
You eyes continue to search mine while your other hand reaches up to grasp my cheek.
My dear Emily, I've dreamed of this day, where I could finally hold you.
Daniel, so have I.
And with that confession, you slanted your lips on mine. I reached up with my other hand and ran it through your brown hair.
I closed my eyes as the joy of kissing you runs down my body.
Your hand grazes my cheek, and slowly moves down to my neck. you grasp my neck as if you never want to end the kiss.
We pull apart only because we need to breath.
If we hadn't needed to breath, we would have never stopped.
I look at you, Your breathing hard, just like I am.
I pull you back toward me, this time it's me controlling the kiss.
Although, You fight me for dominance.
I know I should have thought of the possibility of being caught, of being thrown out of society.
But the only thought that was in my mind, was that I'm finally kissing you , and that know that I have You, I'm not letting you go.
You move your hand down to my waist and I untwine our hands to move mine to your neck and my other one down your broad chest.
You moan and hold me tighter to you.
You bite my lip and I gasp, allowing you to slip your tongue in my mouth, and if I thought that that kissing you was pleasure enough the feeling of your tongue on mine, was exhilarating.
Your hand starts to make swirls on my lower back and the pure sensation of it all is more than I can handle.
I regretfully pulled away.
You look down at me and smile.
Your lips are swollen, but why'd you pull back?
Because if I didn't we wouldn't have been able to stop, and you might have needed to marry me to protect my reputation. I smiled.
That wouldn't have been a problem
Those words hit me at my core and I swear my heart stopped beating.
Does that mean that you feel the same way I do? That I'm not dreaming this?
If anything,  My Emily, I love you more than the heart possible can.
And I love you to the moon and back, from infinity and beyond.
You kissed me again.

And with that, I woke up. My alarm clock blaring in my ear.
I groan, wanting to return to dreamland, where you'd finally be mine.
But, alas, I must enter reality where I must go back to simply being your shadow and being invisible.
I sigh, and close my eyes allowing myself a few more minutes in dreamland.
Not what I normally write but the idea just came to me. and then I couldn't stop writing. Hope you like it.
Caitlin Jun 2014
Sometimes I wish that if I just close my eyes
And dream..

Everything will go they way they should
That all the problems will go away,
And all the drama will disappear.

But that will never happen….
Caitlin Jan 2015
Why must you **** me with
each picture you post of you and her?

I'm jealous..
Caitlin Aug 2015
Will baring my emotions though my poetry ever be enough?
Is it ever enough to wear my heart on my sleeve?
Are my emotions ever enough for anyone?
Caitlin Feb 2015
I'm going to States!
My solo went terrible but my judge was very generous with me and he saw potential in me, So he passed me through.
Yeah!!!
Caitlin Jan 2015
Why do I expect so much from people, who will fail?
Again tonight..
Caitlin May 2014
I want to fall I love
I want to love  someone's quirkiness
For someone to love mine
I want to be able to hug him all the time
Him to hug me- and never let go
I want to adore his smile
And him mine
To have him give me that look
that melts my insides
I want to melt his,with my gaze

I want a fairytale.
I long for a happy ending

*Can someone give that to me?
Caitlin Feb 2015
It's by blood,
And it's not..

But it's still family.
Caitlin Jan 2015
I hate that I have to bite my tongue around my family,
To keep what I want to say back..
Instead I simply nod and
Act like the daughter I'm supposed to be...
This is actually my life. I hate having to put on a front to my family, because they expect me to be perfect. It *****.
Caitlin Mar 2015
What am I so afraid of?
Why is this fear driving me?
Why is it controlling me?
Why am I letting it?
Caitlin May 2014
I am afraid of losing the people I love.  I am afraid of losing control-
         what little I have.  
I am afraid of not having approval.
I am afraid of not being able to control
         my emotions.
I am afraid of him.
I am afraid of not being able to sing
          anymore.
I am afraid of not being able to
          play horn anymore.
I am afraid of losing trust.
I am afraid of not being known.
I am afraid of not being remembered.

I am afraid.
I am human.

*Fear is what drives me
Kinda personal... Hope you don't mind.
Caitlin Jan 2017
Fear
Is what drives us most of the time.
That feeling in the pit of your stomach
Right before you take a jump.
The flutter of your heart
When you take a risk.
The gasp that you breathe in
When you realize that you can’t go back.
Its when you realize that conquering that fear is the goal.
Then what?
What happens then?
Does fear still drive us?
Caitlin Apr 2015
I let it run my life.
Caitlin May 2014
I am afraid
My lack of confidence
Makes me
*afraid
Caitlin Aug 2014
I am afraid of failing, that's what stopped me from taking the solo last year.
I am afraid of letting people down.
I am afraid of letting myself down, that's why I don't take risks.
I fear what people think if I showed them who I really am.
I am afraid.
Caitlin May 2014
I'm sorry.

I don't like feeling like this.

I'm sorry.
Caitlin Feb 2015
Feelings,
That's all I m zeroing in on now..
Feelings.

Loneliness
Fear
Pain
Unimportantance
Unworthy
Un­loved
Not noticed
Nothing

I wish I didn't feel like this,
I wish someone cared,
Someone loved me...

Feelings,
They are the one thing holding me back,
And the one thing keeping my sane.
Feelings....
Caitlin May 2014
You go searching
High and low
Only to find
You haven't left
Caitlin Aug 2014
Feelings are never what they seem.
Especially if it's "fine".
I'm fine- Is the most used lie of all time. Besides have you read all terms of agreement?
Caitlin Dec 2014
If I EVER tell you that I'm FINE,
you better know that it's not what I mean.
I'm not fine
Caitlin Dec 2014
Why do I feel so..
So broken?
So broken inside???
Just what I've been feeling.... a lot lately.
Caitlin Dec 2014
I'll never forget you.

            That's a promise.

                       *Never forget me?
Caitlin May 2014
The talk that I'd like to have with you
If I have the courage..

To her:
I hate you.
I can say that honsetly.

It kinda started when you lied to me-
I was just asking a question-
But even then he was manipulating you.

I thought you were better than that.
I looked up to you.
Why'd you go and do that to me?

But then you  tried to hide the fact that you were dating him from me.
Did you think of me as a threat?

And then he left.
And impacted us both-
You weren't the only one in pain.
I loved him too!!!

But then you went and changed.
You became a b---h
I'm sorry it's the truth.

And then at footloose when you asked me if I'd seen him-
And I  gave you a sarcastic answer:
"He's doing what he does best- sitting"
You got all defensive,
And I warned you..

And you said- he thinks he's in love with me-
I wanted to yell-
What about you?
Do you love him?
Because I know what my feeling are.

You just never saw them.
Get out of your own world.
Look at the one around you.
And to think you'll be leading the band in a few months...

You are a sad sob story.
Too bad no one wants to listen
Personal thing- might aply to life as well, depends on how you look at it.
Caitlin Apr 2014
I am
Free

I can
Breathe

I no
Longer
Have to
Worry

I am
No longer
AFRAID

*still deciding if that's good
Or bad
Caitlin Jun 2015
Do you even see me when I'm down?
Can you hear me when I'm silent?
Caitlin May 2014
I thought you were my best friend.

*I thought wrong
My best friend recently cut ties- for a really dumb reason.. I'm mad and sad right now but this was all I could write- for now.
Caitlin Oct 2015
I am gasping for air.
My eyes see nothing but blues, greens, and blacks.
My arms tangle with waves and my legs are pumping, treading water.
This ravenous sea has taken me captive and isn't letting go
It pulls me under and I silently scream.
I cannot let this win me over.
I propels legs and will my body to go above the waves.
I am gasping for air as my head breaks the waves.
I see my savior, a ships light.
I scream and wave my arms as best I could with the waves still fighting to keep their captive.
A search lights starts swaying; they've heard me!
I am gasping for air,
Sitting huddled in a blanket aboard the ship.
I am saved.
Caitlin Nov 2014
I give and give and give.
And what do I get in return?

Absolutely nothing.
I guess I'm not important...
Thanks for that vote of confidence

**I hate being walked apon
Caitlin Apr 2015
What's so good about it?
More than two thousand years ago,
Today was the day that an innocent man was crucified.
Jesus Christ,
The Savior of the world.
He was crucified,
How was this "Good"?
He was perfect, The Son of God.
Prince of Peace, The right hand of God.
How can Jesus being crucified, be "Good"?
I'll tell you why,
He came to die for our sins, he was the purest sacrifice.
And without Him, we would never be able to pay for our sins; resulting with forever death.
Without Him, we would never reach God, for there would always be a gap between us- Sin.
That is why it is Good Friday,
Because Jesus knew the price he would have to pay, in order for the rest of us to live, He must die,
Happy Good Friday!
Caitlin Apr 2015
In one of my favorite worship songs, Like an Avalanche by Hillsong United,
One of the lines goes like this-
"Caught up in grace like an avalanche,"
It always made me wonder exactly what grace is.
And according to google this is what grace means-
"the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings"
The favor of God, that is free and unmerited.
The salvation of sinners and bestowal of blessings.
What a great and graceful God we have!
Happy Good Friday.
Caitlin Sep 2014
If I had a grain of sand
For every time I thought of you,
I'd fill up the beaches of Flordia.

If I had a grain of sand,
For every time I wanted to speak to you,
I'd have an entire continent.

If I had one for every time,
Something reminded me of you,
I have to find a new planet to keep sand on.

If I had a grain of sand....
Caitlin Apr 2015
This which I am giving to you,
You must handle with care.
It's seen more wear and tear
Than you've ever seen in your life.
It's been bruised and broken,
Mended and glued back together.
Handle with care.
It's seen a lot, and been through a lot.
You must handle with care.
And if you don't..
Well you'll become responsible for some more of that wear and tear,
Those bruised and missing peices.
Another notch in the book.
But I am warning you now-
Handle with care.
My heart is fragile.
Please, handle with care.
Caitlin Mar 2017
Is it too much to ask to be happy?
To have someone who honestly makes me happy?
To have my heart smile when he walks in the room?
To have a half dozen inside jokes, where all it takes is one word and we ae both laughing?
To have someone to know me better than I know myself?
To be loved?
And to love them back with all my being?
Is it too much to ask if I can be happy?
Caitlin Feb 2015
I feel like for the first time in my life I am happy.
And I'm happy because of you.
To John.. <3
Caitlin Feb 2015
I was happy,
Then it all came crumbling down around me...
Caitlin Feb 2015
Happy Valentines Day,
To those who have Valentines,
And to those who don't.
To those married,
And those searching for love.
Those who love and fall apart,
And to those heart broken.
To those who'd rather  be single,
To those afraid to love.
Happy Valentines Day
Caitlin Apr 2014
What is it about you that keeps me coming back?
You were my longest crush.
I pictured you as my first kiss.
But what was it that made you hate me so much?

Why does my mind wander to you every spare moment?
Is it because my mind visits my heart when it wanders?
Why have I given you a piece of my heart,
Yet have NOTHING in return?!

What made me want you?
What made me seek for your approval?
Why did I long for your attention?

What is wrong with me?
Is it me?
Or was it you?
*Or both?
Caitlin Jan 2015
Mine is broken
Yours is whole.

Where is the fairness?
Caitlin Apr 2015
I realize I haven't written in a while....
I'm sorry.
Caitlin Jan 2015
What do yo do when someone you love,
has a knife to their wrist????????
Please don't leave here. I need you still.
Caitlin Jan 2015
So My friend is fine.
He is fine. I talked to him almost all of last night..
Thanks for listening.
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