I am not talking about me, mind you
She is his, I am not

She said that he's in love with her
But the real question is if she is as well.

He has never acknowledged me
Given me any physical touch

Yet it looks as if I may love him.
How is that I possible I don't know

And honestly I hate her.
She doesn't see the big picture-
She's looking through rose colored glasses

And he, well he knows how I feel
Yet says nothing, absolutely nothing.

*And I hate him for that

You were here.
I was there too.
But I hid....

Hey all of my friends at hellopoetry...
Sorry I haven't written in  while
Been real busy...

This is what I'm a part of
High school band
Very different from middle school band
All mature teens (most of us)
Coming together and making the most amazing thing in the world

We make love and hate
We make peace and war
We make red and white and yellow and green an blue and purple
We make tears and smiles
We make laughs and screams
We make.

We are a band.
We make music.

I see Him in you.
My past.
Why does it still haunt me even now?

I texted you....
Shame on me.

Do you think I wanted my life to go this ?

He thinks I'm paranoid...
I'm sorry, but that's a low blow for someone who wants me to be happy.

So I've found out that I was really the one avoiding you.
You really didn't do anything.
And now that I've started being more open with you- our relationship picked back up...
Thanks.

I almost called you by his name today..
Why is he in my mind again?
I don't want him there.

I hear him when you play too..
Its so weird and confusing.
Brain, can you stop this?

22 hours.
That's how far away I am from home.
I was ****** into a whole new environment,
Half the time, I'm freezing.
and the other half,
I swear Michigan is winning over my heart.

And that's ok.

It's been so long since I've been home,
I can't wait to go back.
College is great, but there is something about home;
That keeps calling me back.

I hurt when
People I love hurt
I can't bear
To see them
Cry

I have seen
Many people go
Through things
And I wished I
Could erase all the
Pain

I'm simply that
Kind of person
I care
A lot
More than you'd
Think

Please don't push
Me away
That hurts just
As much
I want to be
There for
You

Will you let me?
I don't need to know
All the details
Or how it happened
But I'd listen if you
Want to tell me

I just want to be
able to be there
For you
To give you a hug
When you are down
Be that shoulder to
Cry on

It's in my nature.
Will you let me in?
I'm not afraid
Not anymore...

I am a hypocrite.
Sometimes I think that if I teach others,
The very words that I have heard,
That they will click in my brain...
Sadly that hasn't happened yet.

I am great.
I am adventurous.
I am daring.
I am important.
I am kind.
I am cool.
I am worthy.
I am moody.
I am caring.
I am me.
I am Caitlin.

I am a force to be reckoned with

I think..

I am stubborn.
There I said it.
Are you happy??

I am falling.
Down
  Down
    Down.
Can you help me?

I am not a Cinderella
I don't need a ball gown or glass slippers

I am not Jasmine
I don't need a magic lamp or flying carpet

I am not Ariel
I don't have a fish tail

I am not Tiana
I don't need to kiss a frog

I am not Snow White
I don't need dwarves or poisoned Apple's

I still want that romance though
I want my prince charming, my Flynn Rider, my Eric
I want love..

I am a girl, a woman
I need someone to look at me with that look
I long for someone to hold me close
I want someone who will love me, for me.

That is what I am..
What I need.

I can tell you how beautiful my roommates look when they don't even try.
I can tell you all the colors of the sunset and how tragically beautiful the bare trees look.
I can tell you how silky his voice is to my ears,
I can show you the best things in music and nature.
I can show you all the amazing parts of people's souls.
But what I can't do, is tell you of the scars that I have.
I can't tell every story of how I got each blemish on my skin.
I can't tell you what I love most about myself, but I could tell you everything I hate about myself.
I can't look at myself in the mirror for more than 2 seconds.
I don't see all those beautiful things in myself.
I just can't.

I can't this.
I can't that.
That's all I've been saying.
Can't you hear me?

I have given up
I can't.
No more.
*I can't

I can't trust myself when I'm alone anymore.
The silence is almost dreading.
I can't breath properly anymore.
The will isn't there.
I can't think straight anymore.
The thoughts are so jumbled, so tangled.
I can't anymore.
This has to stop.

I told myself that I shouldn't
That I can't
That I won't

Yet I ended up doing it anyway..
I fell from cloud nine

*And I fell hard

I once dreamed of a life where all was how I wanted it,
He was there, by my side, never leaving.
Her and I were talking again, and all my friends got along.
I never had to worry if what I was doing was goo enough because my parents were fine with anything I did, as long as I was happy.
I never had a problem with communication or showing my true feelings


But it was only a dream..

If you showed up now..
I don't think I'd be able to face you.

That imprint you left,
On my soul, heart and mind.

Has actually grown larger,
since you've been gone.

*Can you tell?

I fear that this feeling inside of me won't go away.
I fear that this depression will consume me.
I fear that I will bleed until I come to my senses.
I fear what would happen of people found out..
I fear what you, whose reading this will say.
I fear me.
I fear this change.
I fear me.

What if?
That's all that runs through my mind
What if?

What if the roles were reversed?
What if I said the things I needed to say?
What if I spoke my mind?

I don't know.
I have never known
I will never know.

The funny thing is,
You don't know what you did to make me react this way.
And I don't know how to tell you.

How can I tell you that my heart throbs when I look at you?
That the physical pain of avoiding you, even though it was your idea, Hurts so much I can't stand it.
How can I tell you, that I'm afraid of losing you?
That I'm afraid of being used by you, and then just thrown away...

I can't tell you that.
Ever

I hope you're happy.
Wherever you are.

I hope I still haunt you, though.
All the words you said to me that were like bullets,
The actions you took just to make a point.
I hope something reminds you of that and you regret it.

I hope you're happy.

There are words I want to say
But I don’t want to scare you away.
We’ve known each other forever
I don’t want to lose you, No never
Even though we are just friends
Three words can change us dramatically
It’s funny, because I use those word with my other friends, but with you it’s different.
Should I take a chance?

You keep telling me that I'm not the only one.
But you don't cry yourself to sleep.
Or cry because you get frustrated with yourself.
You don't care about what people think.
Or care as much as I do for others.
I am the only one.
I'm the only me there is.

If you saw me now..
I never knew that I could..

I never knew I could fly,
Until you showed me my wings

I never knew that I could that the leap
Until you showed me the cliff

I never knew..
Why didn't you tell me?

How can I be so IMPORTANT
Yet still be *invisible…

I feel like a lot of relationships take the next step, when all it takes is one word, and the both of us are smiling or laughing.
I've got a lot of inside jokes with my family here on campus.
It's great.

Is
It really
Possible
To find
The ONE
Your
Soulmate....?

I want someone to notice me.
I want someone to love me.
I want to be wanted...

I want to feel you.
All of you.
I want to touch you.
I want to kiss you.
I want to.
I want to..

I will love you,
Unconditionally

The question is,
Will you return that love?

I wish you had seen me cry,
So you would know how much you hurt me.

I am tired of these ups
And these downs.

This emotional, mental, physical
Roller coaster
That we are on.

I have to stop this ride.
I'm sorry.

Yes,
       It is 1am.
Yes,
       I can't sleep.
Yes,
        It's because of you.

I love to laugh,
I will laugh at my best friends face,
jokes, someone else's laugh,
I laugh at inside jokes,
even ones that happened months ago.

For me, laughter is the best medicine.
If I'm down, or haven't laughed in a while,
You know something is wrong.

I was appointed section leader again this year,
Despite all of the problems and dram that escalated during my term this past year.
I was convinced that I could not lead,
Via all of the talks I had to have with my band director.
And I still am convinced.
The first week of band camp just ended.
And with my section bugging me because I'm not perfect is tiring.
I'm so confused..
I don't know what to do..