Is it bad that I know longer know if I have a runny nose because I'm sick, or because I started to think of you..?

I want to bleed.
I can keep feeling like this anymore.
Like I'm worthless,
And invisible.
I want to feel something, anything else.

Choices is what it all boils down too.
He choses to do certain things to see my reaction.
I have to choose.
This or that.

That will be the choice.
What do I chose?
Against my heart or for him?
For the excitement or for the dull?
For what I love or who I love?

How far am I willing to go,
Down this black hole that I've dug myself?
That is the choice.
That I have to make.
HAVE to make....

Its about 50 degrees outside today.
I was outside for an hour, waiting for my dad.
That was between 4 and 5.
Its 6:47, and I still haven't warmed up.
*I love  my parents!!

I do
Not
Want to
Be
Afraid.

How
Can
I not be?
Afraid

It was
My lifestyle
For a very
Long time


I need to
Break
Out of
My
Shell.

I am alone
I am alone
I am alone
I am alone

I want to say something loud and clear tonight.
I am me.
I am Caitlin Moody.
Born and raised Floridian,
Singer, French Horn player
Poet.
Roommate, Friend.
I often care too much,
I love too much.
I get hurt,
I fall.
But see the thing is,
I always get up.
Always.

I feel one..
A miracle.
It's coming....
I hope soon.

Someone said to me,
That if there's anyone who deserves a merry Christmas,
its you.
Well I'd like to disagree.
No one deserve a merry Christmas,
Because we can't earn what Christmas really means.
No one deserved to have God's Son come down to earth for them.
Not me, not you.
But the thing is,
He came anyway.

If your were to ask me what I value most in life,
I'd tell you it's not the possessions or the clothes I have,
It's not the talent or passion for music,
It's not even my dearest friends that I value most.
It's me.
I value me.
I have a right to,
However I would take a bullet for you.
So I don't value me that much..

How many of you actually care?
I really want to know.

He's here..
He's back.

I have to tolerate him sitting next to me again.
Our director says just tell him what you want him to do.
Like he'll listen to me.

I don't know what I'll do.
If I can do anything
And he's here until Monday..

What am I gonna do?
I can't breathe when he's around.
He is the creator of my butterflies that inhabit my stomach.
What will I do?

He's back.
He's here...

Someone **** me please?

I just ran out of band-Aids.
I have none left for me...

Because I am lonely, it means hiding certain things

Because I am kind, it means putting my own problems away

Because I am caring, it means not letting go- no matter  what

Because sometimes I can be mad, it means having a laughter break

Because I can be sad, it means I search for a shoulder to cry on

Because of being in love, it may mean that that I focus on the good and not the bad

Because I may be crazy, it means having people love me for the way I am.

Because I am me

I will be there,
When you are falling apart,
When you have tears in your eyes,
When you have nothing left to live for,
When you have everything to lose,
I will be there.

The question is
Will you be there?

I've becoming a better me.
   I'm happier.
      I'm confident.
         I'm me.

I stare at the blank page in front of me.
Thoughts flee my mind,
The moment I need them.

I stare at the blank page.
Willing it to give me some idea,
Some clue as to why I am writing.

I stare at the blank page.
I stare at it, blank, lifeless and
Incomplete without ink running down its page.

I stare at the empty, white page.
It's powerless without, me, it's writer.
Utterly and completely

I stare at the blank page.
My power flows through my pen
And onto the paper.

I have completed
A masterpiece.

My heart bleeds.
Emotionally bleeds
My heartstrings are pulled tight.

Blue, blue.
Nothing but blue.
As far as I can see. 
I feel so alone; 
Standing next to it,
It's so big, and so important,
And what am I?
Nothing, and nobody.
Blue, blue.
Nothing but blue.

I hate my life.
And my brain.
It limits me so much,
I can't stand it.

I am breaking.
And it's my own **** fault.
I wish I could take it back,
To go back to the way we were..
But I doubt that will happen again.

I love you too much to let you go.
Please don't let me go...

Step one.
Breathe
Step two.
Smile.
Step three.
Cry.

Breathe

I need to be broken,
In order to build myself back up again.

Why are the broken people,
                      The ones I love the most?

I got butterflies with you.
When I was anticipating me seeing you.
When you showed me card tricks.
When you mentioned the ten of hearts

I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.
But I can't have you, not now.
You have someone else.

Can't you see how much pain you are causing me?
I can't breathe..
You make me so weak,
To the point that I can't talk to you anymore.
We used to be close..
Now what do I do?
I love you,
Can't you see???

Can't  you see what you do to me?
The way you make me feel?

Can't you see it in the way my eyes light when I talk around you?
Can't you see it in the way I act around you?
I'm not usually like this..
I was shy and unrevealing of  my emotions..

Can't you see that I trust you?
Can't you see that I love our hugs?
My arms around you shoulders and my face pressed into your neck?

Can't you see what you do to me?
Can't you see how you make me feel?

I care.
and its the one thing that causes me the most pain.
It breaks me to see and to discover that the people that I care for the most don't care at all, not necessarily for me. But not at all completely.

I have felt the deepest pain due to this "problem"
and no, I can't just stop caring.
Its not that easy.

So this past weekend, my band went to Washington D.C
to perform in the national Fourth of July parade.
Yay!!
But I was totally out of my comfort zone, and I changed a lot.
Good change...
So yeah....

One choice
One decision
A thousand regrets

I am sorry

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?*

I am done fighting for someone who isn't worth my time,
This song describes exactly how I feel.
He is/was my clarity for my broken world..
Now He's gone...

I wish I were a cloud,
Far in the distance.
Where nobody bothers me, 
Where I'll be alone with my thoughts. 
Where I can be me. 
I wish I were a cloud,
Can I be a cloud?
Where I'd be floating and carefree.
Can I be a cloud?

The clouds always seem to want to float higher
As if the higher they go,
the closer they get to heaven.

Maybe that's true,
I wouldn't know,
I'm not a cloud

But if I were,
I'd want to go higher too..

I'm thankful for the rain,
For it covers my tears.

I'm thankful that it's cold,
For it excuses my shaking.

Would anyone like to collaborate with me?
Message me.

When I saw you with her,
I know I'll never add up in your eyes..
You still like her, I can tell.
I hate being jealous of her.
She's pretty, skinny, has friends who care,
She's had both guys that I've liked..
And then there's me.
Poor, ugly, fat me.
What do you see in me?
I like you and you don't see it..

You see me,
At first glance,
I may look like a strong young women.
Like I have confidence,
Like I don't care about what other people say.
But if you look closer you'd see the miniscule fractures that make up my heart,
The broken peices of my soul left in the hands of those I love,
The tears that come down my eyes, when I think no one is looking.
*I am broken..
Always have been.
Always will.

I hate that I'm invisible.
How do I play such a big part in everyone's life..
Yet no one notices me??

I don't like to be confused
It's not an emotion that I handle well
I don't like to feel confused
It makes no sense to me at all

Can someone please
help me not be confused??
Please?

I'm looking for a connection,
That I can't seem to find anywhere.
Help.....

I have none.

I create.
Not the same
As you.
But still,
I create.

I create music.

I never gave him enough credit.
Ever

Everything he ever did was to
Advance me, to help me

And what did I do?
I rejected it
I was stubborn

And now He's gone.

*and now looks what's left of me

I have that feeling,
Where all I need to do is cry.

**** you.
You said you liked me,
But now you say you don't?
Not the way that I do.

**** you.
I finally put my heart on the line again,
And you crush it?
I thought you were better than that.

**** you.
I can't even look at you in the eyes anymore...
I feel like you broke my trust.

**** you.
**** you.
And I still like you,
Hell I even love you still.

**** you.
**** you.

This feeling..
I don't like it.
Take it away,
Please?

If you knew
What really
goes on in my mind....

Dear diary.
If only he knew..
What I'd like to do..
To him,
With him..
What I want him to do to me..
If only he knew...