If you’re listening to this right now hoping to hear something new,
Hoping to hear something that might inspire you
Or give you that rush you’ve been looking for…
Just…
Keep looking…

We’ve all said it before...
That we’re looking for something…
That we’re just not sure what it is...

And I think that -for the most part- we deserve that.
That uncomfortable mystery.
I mean…
What’s the point of reading a book if you already know how it ends?
If you knew what you were looking for,
There’s no adventure in the search for it.
So why is it that every time I see a sunset...
My gut reaction is to run away from it?
Like I’m trying to repent for wasting my day but I don’t know why.
It didn’t feel like I was wasting it until it was over and by then…
The sun was already setting.

Let me try to make more sense of this…

So you’re 8 years old.
Not once in those 8 years have you ever worried
That you won’t be enough,
That you won’t amount to anything.
In those 8 years you’ve been in spaceships and castles.
You’ve gone from training wheels to treasure maps.
Streetlights were your curfew
And the sunset never seemed like an ending.
You went to bed that night and woke up 10 years later in a panic Looking for something you lost the day before.
The world was falling apart
And the sun hadn’t even made an appearance yet.
Your spaceships have landed
And your treasure maps turned out to be dead ends...

The swing set couldn’t get you out of orbit
And you didn’t find what you were looking for
In that hole in the back yard.

You’re 18…
Everything feels like the ending of the story
And you don’t even know the plot yet.
You start drawing treasure maps again
And everyone thinks you’re crazy,
But all you’re really trying to do find is what you lost so long ago
And when they tell you to just retrace your steps…
None of the footprints look like you own.

You start running in reverse.
Whether it be to get away from yourself or who you thought you were, It doesn’t matter.
The point is that you’re looking for something.
You start dusting off old treasure maps and try to revisit the stars.
What once was your castle
Is now just an old blanket next to the couch in the living room.
You start to panic.
Frantically you search for the moment of impact
When your rocket returned home
And the lid of the treasure chest slammed shut.
But you won’t find it.
It’s not there anymore.
You start to notice how empty your gut feels,
Yet at the same time so heavy.

So you’re 18 years old.
You’ve started to worried that you won’t be enough.
That you won’t amount to anything.
In these 18 years you’ve been in spaceships and castles.
You’ve gone from training wheels to taking tests.
Streetlights are no longer your curfew
And every sunset is a different ending.
You’ll go to bed tonight
And wake up 10 years from now in a panic
Looking for something you lost the day before.
The world never stopped falling apart
And the sun hasn’t even made an appearance yet.
Your spaceships have landed
And your treasure maps turned out to be dead ends...

And I think that -for the most part- we deserve this.
This uncomfortable mystery.
I mean…
What’s the point of reading a book if you already know how it ends?
If you knew what you were looking for,
There’s no adventure in the search for it.
So why is it that every time I see a sunset...
My gut reaction is to run away from it?
Maybe because I know I’m still searching for something
And my time is running out.
And everyday when I wake up,
Panicked,
Looking for something I lost the day before
The world starts falling apart…
But by then…
The sun is already setting.

We’ve all said it before...
That we’re looking for something…
That we’re just not sure what it is…

And at the end of that day,
What you're looking for could be right in front of you,
Plain as the sunset,
But you'll never know unless you keep your eyes open,
And keep looking.

So if you’re listening to this right now hoping to hear something new,
Hoping to hear something that might inspire you
Or give you that rush you’ve been looking for…
Just…
Keep looking…

My mom asks me, why is it
that I sleep so much
She questions if I think reality is good enough

I don't have the courage to tell her that
I prefer dreams
And I can't seem to muster up
the right words to say

reality is exhausting
and all I do is feel

I feel everything
whether intensely
passionately
and I don't know how much longer
I can take these emotions gnawing at my tongue
Or if I handle the scratching in the back of my throat
begging me to say how I truly feel

And I know better then to tell her
that in my dreams
are where I can meet
up with you

This fantasy
A timeless taunting
vision
of you and I
together

At least in dreams

I won't be tortured by the inability to touch you
I pull you in
tightly
as your willing to be swallowed
immersed
I'd be submissive to your touch

At least in dreams

I can listen to your heart beat
as you listen to mine
and my heart frantically drums at my rib cage
just from the thought of you
beside me

In dreams I can even leave small peaks
along your collar bone

I can intertwine our trembling fingers
and
leave
lazy traces
of me
over your flesh

At least in dreams

I can swallow your enchanting sighs
with our mingling lips
then use my fingertips
to study the rise and fall
of your hips

In my dreams
I will use my tongue to write poetry
permanently
along your satisfied skin

I know that in dreams
there's a chance

you'll love me.

For five seconds please think of me
When your eyes can't see anything but the bottom of the bottle
Try and see me
Feel my hands reaching out to you
When your tired eyes close but your legs still move
Plummeting towards pavement
I will catch you as you fall
When you tell me you're fine don't think I believe you
I can count the bottles missing from your bag

1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Stop
Please stop

Through the haze of smoke keep looking
Don't think I won't care
Don't think you're okay
I won't hate you
I don't hate you
Please stop
Listen to my voice in your head and follow
My hands are steady
As yours are not

You say you're alright as you giggle
Flip your hair, fix your dress
You're fine
But your legs shake as if the ground quakes below you
No you're not stupid
Call me and I will come
Cry and I will comfort
Nobody will hate you as much as you will in the morning
If you do call me I will take you home
Wherever you feel safe I'll go
Stop and think
When you wake up and ache up from your feet to your head
I will be there
I am there to care, laugh and tell you you're fine
Your mistakes were made
You can't go back
But the next time you stand on the cliff's edge
Teetering Towards Trouble
Turn around and run to me

I can see your bloodshot eyes
But I don't judge
I've got a heart to sympathize with and when you realize this
You won't feel lost

There was a time I didn't worry
Then again I had no reason
Now I have 5
I'm not your angel
I'm your friend
I'm a blur after ten drinks
But I am here
Whenever you need

1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Stop
And think of me

So just how much *******
are you prepared to believe?

Lets see, take a seat
we've got half an hour

or maybe even better
you're locked up

at my mercy
& my team

are giving you drugs
for a diagnosis

I've given you
before we've even talked

& hopefully the drugs
are curing you of life, love, hope

& any despair you're feeling
at being stuck here

what's that?
you've ballooned in weight?

all you do is sleep?
your feet are turning inward?

You're nearly diabetic?
Your hands are always shaking?

I'm shrinking your
unwanted little brain?

A small price to pay
for the promise of freedom

my little puppet
on a string

lets see just how much
******* we can make you believe

I'll make you say it
' I'm ill'

or I'll never let you out
it's just my little whim

you're one of the chosen few
whose life will be shattered in two

kiss goodbye to your emotions
What? You're angry? That's atrocious.

You are dangerous
it's good we locked you up

and what?
You say you're in love?

sheer Erotomania, my dear
we will cure it, never fear

Talking of fear,
I'd say you have paranoia

MHM, Psychosis,
that's right, Momma

Happiness is mania
Sadness is depression

having said that,
you'll hopefully want to **** yourself

after our little session
to confirm my treatment of you

I'm an expert
I've got a degree in *******

no-one has ever
dared to say I'm wrong

so don't you start
I do, you know have a heart

& it beats only for me
so if you want to be free

you'd better **** it up
& suffer

The sun beating down on my face,
The gentle, warm breeze.
The smell of green plant life,
the stench of fresh mulch.
The cooling drizzle of summer rain,
the essence of wet concrete.

This is what I missed.

Lavender & Honey**

You know the age old question:
If you were a drink
What would you be?
I must be alcoholic.
My highs and lows are so extreme.
And it seems i've been transforming
A lot of good little ****** girls
Into blood lusting sirens
As of late.
I would come in a tall glass
Brimming with lavender & honey.
Honey is usually sweet,
But sometimes
Can be overshadowed in bitter.
And much like nectar
I didn't care for myself as a child.
Lavender
Because I try to be soothing
And envelop you in love
You can tell me of your pain & fears
And I will hold them closer than my own
That's what lavender is for, you see.
Comfort.
I suppose I could have
A hint of bergamot as well.
Though I swear i'm not pretentious.
I'm just trying to make things Interesting.
So what do you think?
If I was a drink.
Would you drink me?