Why did no one warn us what being in your 20s is actually like?

There are 25 year olds married.
There are 25 year olds just starting their career.
There are 25 year olds living with their parents.
There are 25 year olds with babies.
There are 25 year olds living with friends.
There are 25 year olds in school.
There are 25 year olds buying a house.

There is no rule book.
There is no timeline after high school.

It's daunting.
Some days you may feel behind.
Other days you may feel ahead of the game.

When in reality there is no finish line.
There is no winner or loser.

Just a bunch of kids living life, figuring it out along the way.

all I've ever wanted was an apology.
and not one of those half *** apologies but a sincere one

but
just because I want one doesn't mean I need one
because I don't

I want one
so that I can make sense of it all

I want one
so that I can find comfort in the past

I want one
so that I know I didn't love a ****** guy

I want one
so that I know you've come to terms with your actions

I want one
so that I know you were the guy I fell for not the guy you became

I want one
because I deserve one

but *******
I don't need one.

6 months of therapy
and I'm not anywhere close to being done

but I have seen great progress
and for that I am grateful

I know how much you love my blonde hair
that's why I cut it

6 inches gone
along with the memories of us
the toxicity of me

not only did I cut my hair short but I dyed it dark
so that there is no possible trace of blonde
no trace of you

maybe it'll help you accept what happened between us
maybe it'll help you move on from me faster
maybe
maybe
maybe

it's just hair.

People say love comes your way when you least expect it

and maybe that's when I'll know that I'm ready to let love in again

when I stop looking for it
when I stop letting it consume my thoughts
when I stop letting it control my decisions

I will be ready for love

When I accept that there is no set plan
When I accept that time is not meant to cause anxious thoughts
When I accept that it is okay to be alone

People don't talk enough about the aftermath of abuse
Reflecting on the last 6 years has taught me a lot about trauma
How it can follow you for years
How it can still show up in your dreams every now and then
How it can change you into someone you don't even recognize

Even after therapy
even after processing and healing
and even after time
it is so hard to have a healthy relationship with someone new

The triggers follow you
even when you're convinced they don't exist anymore

For example,
I remember throwing myself out of a moving vehicle 4 years after because my boyfriend and I were arguing after a night out drinking
In that moment I was back with abusive ex
the memory of him forcing me in his car drunk and not letting me leave even after hitting a parked car was so present in my brain
it was like it was happening again
except it wasn't
not even close

Fast forward and 6 years later I am still learning how to effectively communicate with my current boyfriend

There's not a day that goes by where I am not utterly shocked at how an argument can just stay exactly that...an argument
It doesn't have to grow into something bigger
something that causes people to say or do hurtful things
something that takes days or even weeks to get over
something that ends in heart break

I find myself bracing for impact with every disagreement
something as simple as "I shouldn't have done/said that, I'm sorry" causes me to spiral
something simple still causes me to experience a wave of anxiety
anxiety I can't ignore or wish away
but instead have to work through
over and over again

To this day I am learning how to love again
I experienced abuse at the age of 19
It's like my brain was hardwired wrong
and now I need to spend years fixing it

To this day I am learning how to not crave toxicity
my brain has confused love with abuse and comfort with boredom
I find myself craving constant reassurance
I find myself panicking when I should feel comfort
I find myself mad at how I still feel these things

But the truth is
I am too ******* myself
What I experienced
and what many other men and women experience
IS HARD
It's not something you can forget
or pretend never happened
I tried that and it just prolonged the inevitable

The truth is
I have come such a long way
I was changed in so many ways
but I have also grown in just the same

I will continue to grow and heal
I will continue to learn how to love again

I know I am on the right track
I feel myself getting so close

I want a healthy relationship so badly
One I can be proud of and seek comfort in
One I can spend the rest of my life enjoying

To the people who think education majors have it easy,

Nothing, and I truly mean nothing, gets under my skin more than people who have the same mindset as you.
People like you think that my 3.8 GPA isn’t as worthy as someone else’s in a different major.
People like you think education majors can’t possibly be as stressful as other majors.
People like you think that my 40-page unit plan doesn’t even begin to compare to your 40-page report.
People like you think that teaching is easy.

it's *******.

I’m not going to sit here and go into detail about all of the difficult assignments I’ve had over the past four years as a middle school math major because frankly you’re just not worth my time. Also, because that would mean that I have something to prove to you, and I don’t. You can’t begin to judge a major until you have sat in on their classes, done their assignments, took their tests, etc. So, for you to judge my major based solely on the fact that I’m teaching children makes you arrogant and ignorant.

Imagine the excitement you feel when you get an A on an exam you spent days studying for. Now imagine that same excitement being stripped away from you in a second because someone tells you that your major is easy and that that’s the reason you got such a good grade.
Imagine working your **** off to earn Dean’s List every semester you’ve been at school, for someone to turn around and tell you that the only reason you’ve achieved that is because of your easy major.

It’s hurtful.

I chose to become a teacher because I want to take part in shaping children’s minds. I want to take part in making students grow up enjoying math. I want to take part in making learning fun.  
I don’t think that is something I’ll ever regret, no matter how many times you try to bring me down.
Please just focus on your own major. Focus on your own difficult assignments, your own difficult tests, and your own difficult projects, that way you can truly strive for success.

And I’ll still be here, an education major, cheering you on.

Sincerely,
A future teacher.

Dear Ignorance,

You're everywhere; suffocating the minds of people I see and encounter every day.

Especially today in my calculus class. But this kind of ignorance hit me ******* a more personal level.

Three girls talking before class. The normal, boring stuff. I wasn't particularly listening but the next thing they said I wish never came out of their mouths.

"I could never be anorexic, I just love food too much."

Her friends giggle and agree quietly but they don't know how hard those words hit me. I know they didn't mean it to be insulting but that's exactly how I took it and for the next 60 minutes of class I replayed that sentence in my head about 100 times.

To think that people could be that ignorant about eating disorders. As if it is the people who hate food that decide it is a good idea to starve themselves.

I decided to write this letter because I want to change the way people view eating disorders. Because, if I could go back and talk to those girls I would. Not to yell at them but to educate them. To have them understand why saying something that ignorant can be hurtful to the people around them. But, I can't go back and that's why I am writing to you, whoever you may be. I don't know you or your view on eating disorders but I'd like to educate you a little from my personal experience.

I love food. I always have. Growing up I never had to worry about my weight because I had sports. But, as sports began to slowly stop as I grew up, so did the food I ate.

Now I could blame it on society's view on what beautiful is or the death of someone close in my family or even the boy who broke my heart in high school that made me decide to stop eating. Of course those were factors in my eating disorder but in reality it was my own decision. I started to gain weight fast and with that, my self confidence lowered. And as my self confidence lowered, well, so did my calorie intake.

When someone is dealing with an eating disorder that person is having DAILY arguments with their mind because they LOVE food. They WANT food. They CRAVE it.

So what stops them?

Their mind

You: "One more granola bar won't make me too fat right?"
Mind: "Are you kidding? One more granola bar and you'll pop out of your size two jeans. You don't want to go up ANOTHER size, do you?

Little does the mind know your body only consumed about 80 calories that day to begin with and you're lightheaded; so lightheaded you're afraid you'll pass out.


It was a long struggle but now, five years later, I can honestly say that I am beautiful. I can say that food does not define me. My weight does not define my beauty. I can love food and still be healthy. I can love food and still love my body. I'll admit it's hard at some points. Sometimes I feel weak. Sometimes I look in the mirror and am not entirely happy with what I see but I have friends and family who love me and remind me daily how strong I am and how loved I am.

So, to the three girls in my calc class. Don't think that being anorexic is simply "not enjoying food." It's much more than that; much different than that; much more complicated than that. Everyone experiences eating disorders differently. So next time before assuming things about topics you don't know a single thing about, stay quiet and educate yourselves.

Sincerely,
A girl who loves food more than anything.

I think I had this weird misconception for the longest time without even realizing it.

For awhile I was in control of every relationship I had with a guy. I chose when it started, when it ended, how it ended, whether it would start again, when it would start again, etc.

I think I thought that every guy I was with would always be waiting for me to change my mind and turn back around. Well because, that's how it was for a long time.

But that thought is what made me be in control.

And I know that's ****** up, as I type it. But it's true.

For the girl with little self confidence, thinking that every guy she's been with would wait around for her. How arrogant is that.

How wrong is that

I realized it when my anxiety took over, having to take a step away from the guy I was with, thinking that he would understand and simply wait for me.

But he didn't

He was so quick to move on. And he had every right to.

Honestly, I'm happy it happened. It had to happen for me to realize how toxic I was being to myself and to other guys.

All of my poems consist of one topic, one guy, breaking me down.

I can't let what he did to me effect how I treat future guys.

I can't be the person they write poems about years later talking about how toxic I was for them.

I refuse to be that person.

I am not that person.

I will never be that person.

Some days I feel healed; convincing myself that everything that has happened was for a reason, a reason I'll one day understand.

Other days I feel broken; convincing myself that I'll never be healed, forever being alone.

But, most days I fall somewhere in the middle. How can someone feel broken and healed at the same time?

Maybe it's because my definition of "healed" isn't quite right. Or maybe it's because even though I'm on my way, I'm just not there yet, as much as I try to tell myself that I am.

I constantly joke to everyone about how I must be bad at relationships because I can never make them work.

But will they still find it funny if I told them that my anxiety eats me alive until I ruin the one good thing I have going for myself at the time?

My anxiety turns me into someone I don't want to be.
Someone who questions every aspect of the relationship.

Am I happy?
Could someone else make me happier?
Is this how I see my future?
Are we meant for each other?
Is he going to hurt me like my ex did?
Am I wasting my time?

These are all questions that completely consume me because of my anxiety.

They consume me until I can no longer take it and leave. I create problems that aren't there and convince myself that this is my only option.

It's exhausting constantly fighting with my anxiety, especially when it wins more often than not.

I am drained.

I am tired of pushing my feelings down so far my brain and my heart can no longer reach them.

I guess I'll just pray for more days where I feel healed, even if I know deep down it's not real.

I was not prepared
Seeing you for the first time in years felt like the air was punched right out of me
I’m not sure if I pretended well enough
I’m not sure I care

If this was years ago, I would’ve talked to you
I would’ve texted you after
Not caring where you were at in life
Where I’m at…

I’ve always been selfish with my feelings
I’m trying not to be
I kept my space
Until I heard my name being called to come join everyone

I couldn’t stop looking up at the stars
Or lack there of

I couldn’t stop telling myself that this is what I deserve
This feeling of regret

And instead of making it known
Trying to fix it
Or get what I could back

I just keep reminding myself that I need to leave us there
in the past
and continue moving forward

I will not disrupt lives for my own selfish feelings

I only wonder how long you’ll be visiting me in my dreams
Like my own form of torture.

It's something I crave daily to try and lessen the anxiety I experience in life

I need control in every aspect of my life
something as simple as cleaning
all the way down to my own feelings

When I lack control in one aspect of my life
it intensifies in another

I try my best to avoid feeling different emotions because I begin to feel out of control when I feel them

I listen to sad songs because it allows me to control a specific feeling in that moment

I am not sure where this habit was learned
I am not sure when this habit was formed

but it has created such a strain on my life
I need to learn to be okay without control
or just less of it

I’ve always considered myself a bit of a risk taker when it comes to love.

The hopeless romantic in me has gotten me into trouble in the past.

But why when it comes to you, was I so **** cautious?
Unable to take that leap. Even years later.

I fight between a number of reasons.
Knowing there’s truth behind each one of them.
Some more than others.

1- You deserve better.
2- I will always be the person that hurt you and to live with that daily reminder would eat me alive.
3- You are better than me in almost every single way and I don’t think my insecurities could handle being less than.
4- I was scared that I would fall into old habits, dark feelings swallowing me whole, reminding me of the past.
5- I was scared to crave toxicity only to end up hurting you again.
6- I was scared. Period.

when I said I didn't want to live anymore
and you looked the other way
claiming that your intention was pure
telling me that you thought that what I needed at the time was not you

when in reality that was simply
your way out

out of the toxicity we knew as love

I read something once that expressed how it isn't someone's responsibility to stay and fix a significant other

and so I can't blame you for leaving me at my worst

but
I'd like to know if the same rules apply when you're the sole reason your significant other needs to be "fixed"
are you still allowed to leave?
I guess it doesn't matter
because you did..

as much as I knew you loved me
you did not love me enough to see me live

as much as I wanted to die
I'm just thankful that I didn't

because the guilt you would feel
would be almost unbearable
forever

but instead
you got to move on

well
move on enough to be with someone else
even if its temporary

while I'm still here dealing with the aftermath

I know that I've come a long way
but I also still know that I have a way to go

I also know that regardless of your relationship status currently
you still do love me
you love me but
again
not enough to act on it
only enough to reach out from time to time
only enough to check up on my social media
in the hopes that you see something that shows you that I'm thinking of you

is that even love?
maybe
but I think it's the manipulative kind

and I deserve something more than that
much more

and before I used to dream about you giving me more

but I think we're still both smart enough to see that as much as we may think we have changed we haven't

you're still the guy who strings me along with no regards of my feelings
enough to give me a taste
but leaving me hoping that I will crave more
with no intentions on giving me exactly that

and I'm still the girl
who's feels things much deeper than she wants
who still needs some fixing
who gets herself into trouble with love

but I'm on my way
and I'm not sure that I can say the same thing about you

I pray that I can one day

How do you know you're ready to experience love again when your mind is the last thing you trust?

you have every reason to be skeptical
3 failed relationships proves that doesn't it?

you blame yourself
not seeing the warning signs
ignoring the bad parts of a relationship
thinking it'll change
or maybe that it simply doesn't matter enough

but love is a drug
and love is blinding

every.single.time

love has blinded me

love has given me such a high
that when the withdrawal hits
it is so excruciating
I blame myself for getting high in the first place

so why do I keep doing it?
maybe because each time I am convinced that it is going to last
or maybe because I am just so desperate to get it right

My drug has failed me so many times that the sight of it now makes me sick to my stomach

I have turned away from it entirely

So why does a part of me worry that I will never get high again?
Sober is safe
Sober is secure

but

Sober is boring

Nothing will beat the feeling of being high in love.

It's something we all have, some without even realizing it.
It's something a person needs in order to survive.

I'm one to preach the words, "Everything happens for a reason" and "You end up where you're supposed to be" and I try my hardest to have faith in those words, but I too often find myself failing at that.

I think it's just something someone says to make themselves feel better. I can't let myself hide behind that, but that doesn't mean I won't try to.

I tell myself those two phrases daily; wishing, praying, for them to actually come into existence. But they never do.

If everything happens for a reason, tell me why my cousin passed away form a drug overdose. Tell me why he had to get addicted in the first place.

If everything happens for a reason, tell me why my grandmother passed away suddenly from a freak accident when her health was fine.

If everything happens for a reason, tell me why father's only two friends died from cancer.

If everything happens for a reason, tell me why people experience heart break, of all kinds.

If everything happens for a reason, tell me why there has been 18 school shootings so far this year.

If everything happens for a reason please just give me those reasons. And don't give me some ******* that people make up to only make themselves feel better. I won't fall for that. I refuse to.

I want so badly for someone to tell me otherwise, so I can make sense of it all.

And then maybe, I'll have a little bit of faith.

It's true
as time goes on
our memories start to become more fuzzy
but not all of them

I can't stop thinking about my cousin

how earth shattering it was to get that call that he had died

that the disease he was fighting with for years finally caught him

to this day something that will haunt me is the thought of just how mad my cousin must've been when he woke up in heaven realizing what he had done

how much ******* regret he must feel
how much he must miss us

my family is forever altered by what had happened
we never truly healed
we never will

and I don't think this is something anyone can relate to
unless you have experienced the same heart break first hand

I remember getting the call from my dad the morning after a night out with friends to tell me what had happened.

I remember rushing home to my uncle's house to find my entire family, in tears, unable to comprehend.

I remember spending days where all my family did was become numb in order to get things done and then cry when they were finally finished for the day.

I remember walking into the funeral home thinking it was just a really bad movie.

I remember my one cousin saw the casket and started screaming
she fell to the floor not being able to hold herself up
and kept repeating that she was unable to do this

I remember my father humming songs in his head for hours trying to block out the reality of what was happening to our family.

I remember my family going up to the open casket and kissing my cousin's dead, cold body on the head, repeatedly.

I remember the guilt I felt for not having a stronger relationship with him.

I remember everything
so ******* vividly
even 2 years later

and I don't think it'll ever get fuzzy.

If you look through my poems it tells the same story
over and over again.

pain
numb
healing
confusion

repeat.

you'd think I'd be tired of it by now
or at least enough to put an end to it.

It's because I have fallen into the habit of not letting my brain process things.
When I get hurt
I have a day or two of wallowing
and then I refuse to let myself get like that again.

I used to think that was healthier.
Blocking everything out.

but to this day...

if you bring up my high school boyfriend
I block out the fact that I envisioned my entire future with him and it still hurts thinking that it won't happen.

if you bring up my college boyfriend
I block out the fact that I was so irrevocably in love with him to ever even want to put an end to the toxicity.

I block out the fact that my inability to love again is because I have already given all of my love out and I feel as though I have nothing left to give. Or maybe it's because as much as I want to experience love again I turn down any opportunity of it because of my pure fear of it not working.

Writing helps
for however long it takes me to write that day
I allow myself to not block everything out
to take down the barrier temporarily
and to feel

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit

it has been 3 years.

My boyfriend asks me why I always listen to sad songs and write sad poems.

How do I tell him that I listen to these songs to remind me of what once was?

Or that I write these sad poems because I can only write about what makes me feel the most.

Why do I even want to be reminded of my bad times?

Is it because the songs and poems make me feel things so deeply; something I crave more than most?

I am not a sad person.

But I was; for a very long time. So sad I didn't want to be alive.

But time has changed.
I've changed.
Grew.
I am happy.

But my old, sad self is still in me somewhere, waiting for any opportunity to pop out and ruin my happiness like it has so many times before.

Do you think the moon ever gets frustrated repeating the same phases over and over again?

Do you think the moon wishes to stay full?

Do you think on the days the moon is not full, it feels incomplete?

Do you think the moon ever feels lonely, missing the sun?

Do you think the moon stares at its reflection, criticizing every crater?

I wonder if the moon knows how beautiful it is.

Isn’t it weird how abusive people can somehow make you feel like you’re the crazy one?

Like you were the one who cared too much
The one who reacted poorly
The one who loved too hard
The one who was always in the wrong

When in reality you were the one who
protected them
defended them
forgave them

Over
And
Over
When they didn’t deserve it in the first place

It really makes you wonder
Just how messed up their brain is
Just how warped of a view on the past they must have

But now
You’re the one living with the aftermath
You’re the one with the messed up brain
You’re the one with a warped view on love
You’re the one trying desperately to get it right
years later

All the while your abuser is living a life full of blissful ignorance

I hope one day we run into each other at a coffee shop.
Not to have one of those cliché moments where we realize we never should have broken up.
Or even one of those cliché moments where we begin to fall in love with each other all over again.

Instead

To laugh about just how ridiculously in love we were with each other back then.
To talk about just how wrong we were for each other.
To talk about just how toxic you were for me, but at the same time realizing that you grew from it, into the man I knew you had the potential to be.

We would talk about just how better off we are now, not together.

Maybe even talk about how happy we are with other people in our lives.
without feeling jealousy.
without feeling sadness.

To be happy that the other person is happy.

To finally realize why the heart break had to happen, as many times as it did.


*I just know I'm not ready for that yet.

Nothing bothers me more than the thought that someone's sense of independence completely diminishes when in a relationship.

The thought that someone doesn't know how to be single because they choose to be in a relationship.

The thought that being a hopeless romantic means you can't be alone.

It's just not true.

Being in a relationship means a lot of things.

It means being able to share your own ideas, hopes, fears, and feelings with the other person.
It means falling in love with their flaws.
It means encouraging them to become something great in life.
It means being there for one another when times get difficult.
It means being selfless.
It means caring for one another.
It means loving one another.

It doesn't mean losing each other's sense of independence.

You can be in a relationship and be independent.
You can be a hopeless romantic and enjoy spending time alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's easy to depend on someone and it's not always wrong to. But it's dangerous to fall into that path of dependence.

It's dangerous because life is unpredictable. Someone can always leave. They can leave you with nothing but broken pieces and when that happens you'll have to pick up those pieces they left behind, by yourself.

You must find the balance between independence and dependence.
You must learn when it is okay to depend on someone and when you must handle something alone.

Never be in a relationship with someone who questions your independence; who forces you to depend on the other person.

Never settle for less than what you deserve.

I remember watching Perks of Being A Wallflower in high school and hearing the quote “You accept the love you think you deserve” for the first time.

I remember going home and googling the quote, unable to understand the deep meaning behind it.

I remember wondering why everyone who saw the movie raved over the quote.

But I get it now.

I am a product of it.

I’ve avoided this feeling for so long. In fear that if I put it into words it would make it come true. But I’ve known for awhile now.

I am loved.
I am cared for.
I love.
I care.
It should be enough.
I want it to be enough.

But the monster that lives inside me craves more. They will not leave me alone.
I remind the monster that I don’t deserve it.
I tell the monster that after everything I’ve been through, everything I’ve done, I need to be happy with what I have.
I continue to keep the monster at bay. Refusing to let it consume me and search for something greater.
I urge the monster to leave. Beg even.

I am happy. I need that to be enough.

I’ve made my bed.
I will lie in it.

I can finally say that I’m happy with the life that I’ve built for myself

I can finally see a future that doesn’t scare the **** out of me

One that I would be happy with

But that doesn’t stop myself from thinking
And dreaming
And wondering

And knowing
That things could be different

It was easier thinking you hated me
Thinking that the ivy you planted in me was rotten from the ground up
Turning each leaf brown as time passed

But I forgot that ivy is resilient
It doesn’t take much for it’s leaves to grow back

With each leaf that grows inside of me I have to remind myself of why I must not tend to it

Why I must ignore the ivy

Because I did not care for my plant years ago
Because I am bound to **** it again, eventually
Because maybe if I pretend it’s not there, it’ll grow in an environment more deserving


Because I can not stop staring at the dead leaves on the ground serving as my daily reminder that I am the cause of that

The worst thing I have ever done was try to love someone while I was still broken

I expected him to pick up the pieces without getting cut

I was blind to the blood dripping off his hands while he held me afloat

I was apathetic to the bruises formed on his arms from my inability to let go

His every wince in pain was covered up with a smile of support undeserving

I was too far buried in my own mind to grasp reality

I was too far gone to see that the problem was not he or we but me

I left him in the afterglow hoping one day I’d meet him there knowing now I deserve of no such destination

I feel happy
euphoric
hopeful
in love
satisfied with the present
content with the future
at peace with the past


I feel broken
tarnished
stained
infected
polluted with anxiety
poisoned with trauma
warped with self-loathing
rooted with problems

Some days I think God has put me here for a reason

Some days I think God has put me through hard times to make me stronger

Some days I think God is preparing me for something bigger

Some days I think God takes loved ones away from me because they are needed in heaven

Some days I think God has kept me from you for a reason

Some days I think God has never made our timing right on purpose

Some days I think God has made me struggle with love to prepare me for an even greater one

Some days I think God is trying to teach me patience and self love

Some days I think God is trying to teach me to find passion in security

Some days I think God is trying to teach me to take risks with no regards of the aftermath

Some days I think God is constantly testing me

Some days I remember
most days I don't believe in God

"You don't have any respect for yourself, bouncing from guy to guy."

These words sting and stay with me every single day. To think that someone I once loved could say something like that to me. To think that someone I once loved actually thinks that of me. But more importantly, to think that the number of guys you've been with actually determines your self worth.

I could sit here and go on defending myself saying how m y number isn't even a high number but that's not the point. The point is that the number of guys you have dated or been with, however high that number may be, DOES NOT define your self worth.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for about a year and a half without knowing it. Throughout the relationship he had said and done some pretty awful things to me; things that if my dad knew about, he would probably go to his house the next day to beat the **** out of him. But this one stuck to me like glue. Why? because he had made me believe it. He tricked my mind into thinking I was some kind of worthless person who doesn't respect myself.

I ask myself why I believed it. Why would someone believe that they are a **** with no self respect? Why would anyone think that ever about themselves? I think I believed it simply because the person who said this was the boy I loved, the boy I confided in, the boy I at one point saw my future with, telling me I have no self worth. It hit me hard, so hard. Harder than any other terrible thing he has said to me.

No guy should ever make you feel worthless.
No guy should ever convince you that you are anything less than whole.
No guy should ever degrade you throughout your relationship.
No guy should ever make you feel scared to be around him when he is angry.
No guy should ever put his hands on you.
No guy should ever throw your mental disorder in your face.
No guy should ever feel as though it is okay to purposely hurt you because he feels hurt.
No guy should ever make you feel like you're on top of the world one day and under it the next.

He did all of this.

I can see this now. I can see this now and I have two people that I call my best friends to thank for helping me through this past year. They always supported my decision; knowing that I was a smart girl and simply wanted me to be careful with him. They helped make me realize that what I was involved in was NOT okay. They knew it way before I did but until I had my "click", realizing that this is not healthy or worthwhile, I was going to stay in that relationship.

Thank god for my click.

Everything happens for a reason.

Say it again.

Repeat it until you're blue in the face.

Or until you believe it yourself.

Which ever comes first.

I finally figured out why it was so hard for me to love again after him

I always said I wanted to find passion without abuse
but what I didn't realize is that I actually confused them for each other

I wanted so badly to feel again without the bad parts
but what I didn't realize is that without the bad parts
the good parts wouldn't have felt as great as they actually were

I wanted to feel the same way he made me feel without the abuse
but what I didn't realize is that you can't have one without the other

what I felt for him was so intense
it was so deeply rooted in me
I wanted that
and I couldn't understand why I kept failing to find it again

when I did find someone who reminded of that feeling
instead of embracing it
arms opened wide
I ran
confused by my own decisions

I asked myself "You waited this long to find someone you could love and the second you find it you ruin it, why?"

I didn't realize that what I spent years looking for was the feeling I could only feel while being in an abusive relationship

I didn't realize that a normal, healthy relationship doesn't make you feel that way

and that's okay

You should be able to love someone without having to feel everything so intensely at all times

You should be able to feel comfort and content without thinking there is something wrong with the relationship

You should be able to have passionate days and normal days and bad days all mixed together without thinking your relationship is doomed

Because a normal relationship is not like the movies

and it is not like what I experienced 4 years ago.

I dreamt of you last night
I still remember everything so vividly

when I saw you I knew that I was dreaming
because of the way you looked at me
we didn't have to exchange words
we both knew it wasn't real
we had to enjoy whatever time we had left together
because I would soon wake up
and we'd be back to never speaking again
we'd be back to you hating me
we'd be back to me hating me

I'd call it a dream but then I'd have to admit to myself that I wanted to dream of you

You cling to the past
but with each day that passes you feel it slipping from your grip
more and more

until all you have left seems to touch you in the form of
flashbacks
deja vu
dreams

anything to remind you of what once was

sometimes you wish you could tighten your grip before it's too late

but it is too late

the memories you have
of that person
of that relationship
can't be brought back
too much has changed
too much has happened since then
that person
that relationship
no longer exists

so why torture yourself over something you no longer have any control over?

because if you could go back you would've done things differently

I wouldn't have gone back to *** until I was healed that way our second chance might've lasted a lifetime
I would've left *** after the first red flag so I could look back and appreciate all of the good without all of the bad
I would've given xxxxxx a real chance regardless of my fear of being hurt

but I can't go back and neither can you

so this is an ode to my past

thank you for teaching me endless amounts of love lessons
thank you for forming me into the person that I am today

thank you for letting me have control in where I leave you

and where I leave you is right here
no further will you go along this journey with me

I hope you understand

When I think of change in my own life
I think of doors surrounding me
suffocating me
almost

with each change that occurs in life
I open a different door
creating an entirely new set of doors to choose from

but with endless amounts of doors
how do I begin to choose which to open?

some doors are already cracked open
while others are locked shut

some doors are freshly painted
while others are cracked, peeling at the touch

so how do I decide?

how do I decide between
opening the already cracked door
or finding the key to the locked one

how do I decide between
opening the new door
or the door that's falling apart

because
regardless of how it looks on the outside
the inside is unknown

you can pick the easy door
but easy isn't always worthwhile

you can pick the appealing door
but appealing isn't always logical

the doors surround you daily
waiting for you to decide
growing impatient

do you rush and pick a door
and risk opening the wrong door

or do you wait
in an attempt to plan out every possible option
resulting in you feeling stuck
frozen in place
unable to move
unable to choose

feeling stuck may be miserable
but looking back and regretting your decision
wishing you could turn around and go back is just as bad
isn't it?