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Brie Pizzi May 2021
you'd think after so much time
I wouldn't be triggered
but here I am typing
feeling as though the words are spilling out of me
just like old times

I have come to terms with a lot
I have accepted a lot
but I still think you are still trying to manipulate me

I hope that I am wrong
I hope that after 5 years you have grown from that
I hope that it is just my trauma response

but why post a gym selfie in my old camp shirt?
why do you still have anything of mine?
aren't things like that triggering for you too?
don't things like that remind you of how abusive you were?

I accepted you on social media to prove to myself and to you that I was okay
That I could see you on social media without spiraling into an anxiety attack
That I could see you try to be happy with someone else without hating myself

And although all of these things are true 5 years later
I don't think the PTSD will ever leave me

So please, get rid of the shirt.
Brie Pizzi Nov 2023
You say let’s meet up to see if there’s still something there

I can’t respond
I won’t respond

I will not let myself repeat the past
As much as I want to be selfish
As much as I’m dying to be reckless
With you

You say let’s meet up to see if we’re still us

The difference is

I don’t need to see you again
To know that we are.
Brie Pizzi Aug 2018
usually when I become numb
I start to write and it all pours out

tonight I am numb
but can't get my fingers to start typing

maybe I just have to much to say
too much to feel
too much to write


not able to form a poem out of the jumbled mess in my mind
Brie Pizzi Jan 2017
Every boy I have ever let go of has marks left on his skin from my grip.

I am unable to let go but I force myself knowing it's the right thing to do.

I do it to myself. Why?

I'm still trying to figure that out.
Brie Pizzi Feb 2018
I can't seem to get it right.
With every guy I meet.

Is there something wrong with them?
Or is there something wrong with me?

Is it because they're not you?
Or because I'm scared that they will become you?

Is it because I still haven't met the right guy?
Or because my expectations are too hard to obtain?

Is it because there's always a problem?
Or because I create that problem myself?


I'd like to believe it's because I just haven't met the right one yet.
The guy that it will come effortlessly with.
The guy that makes me fall into him with both feet, knowing exactly what I might get myself into, without a worry in the world.
The guy that doesn't make me second guess every move we make.
The guy who consumes my mind so deeply, there isn't any room for the demons in my head.

I know that guy is out there for me. Whether it is someone from my past or someone in my future.
I will find him.
Brie Pizzi Jun 2017
You tell me that the next time you see me you want me to be full of life and happy. I wanted to reply, "You idiot, you're the only one that can do that" but instead I say "Okay."

Maybe not speaking up is what got me here in the first place.
Brie Pizzi Sep 2018
I think sometimes what stops us from following our gut is the fear of rejection

You know what you want
but you're afraid you won't get it
or that the other person won't feel the same way anymore
or that it won't work out

it's a risk
and some of us aren't risk takers
but I think we should be
Brie Pizzi Feb 2018
I left a permanent mark on my skin. Again.

I tell myself I'll never regret that. Because in that moment it's what I needed and wanted.

It's my constant reminder that when I look down at my body, I see what I've been through, and where I'm heading.

I treat my skin as my own road map.

If someone were to undress me and lay me down
I would have them trace my skin
slowly working their way around my body
only to stop at every heartbreak and life lesson

The faded ink would give away its time frame
creating a story that I get to claim as my own

At that point
not only would I be naked to the eye
but I would be completely vulnerable
as if I'm peeling back layers of my own skin
opening up to my insides
exposing my thoughts throughout the years.
Brie Pizzi Jan 2017
Thank you for pushing me over the edge.

Thank you for showing me your true colors.

Thank you for showing me how immature and petty you truly are.

Thank you for showing me you never really changed, regardless of how much you tried convincing me you did.


Never would I have thought I'd one day be thanking you for these things but here I am, saying thank you to the boy who broke me. I'm saying thank you for one reason and one reason only; with this, you have given me the ability to finally get over you.

Before, there was always a part of me that held onto you; that tried so hard to hold onto the good parts of you, with hope that maybe one day we could try again. But after that night, there is no going back. I no longer want to be with you. I no longer see my future with you. I now know that I deserve better than you, much better. And I will no loner fall for your lies and fake promises.

So thank you.
Brie Pizzi May 2018
you were my drug
you were created specifically for me
or so I thought

My body consumed you
entirely
for over a year and a half

I was convinced that I couldn't
live without you
breathe without you
be without you

Because the withdrawal
was so excruciating
I thought that I wasn't strong enough

Relapsing
over
and over
again

Knowing that I shouldn't want it
Knowing that I shouldn't need it
Knowing that I deserve a life without it

Regretting the day I first tried my drug
Regretting the warning signs of my addiction
Regretting being too weak to stop

I'm officially 6 months clean
and I wish I can say I did it by myself
but I didn't
does that make me weak?
I almost don't care

I can now live without you
breathe without you
be without you

without withdrawal
without relapsing
Brie Pizzi Apr 2023
I go through days where I feel as though I don’t deserve this love, this life.

I try my best to remember that the abuse I endured was real and damaging.

That what I went through would’ve affected anyone who stood in my shoes the same way.

I can accept the abuse
I have accepted it a long time ago.

I just can’t seem to accept how long my healing journey took me and the people I hurt along the way.

I had been unknowingly lying to myself and others thinking I was fine when I in fact was far from it.

The truth is, I was so used to feeling that way that I thought it was normal. Now 7 years later I can only describe it as feeling like a foggy version of myself.

I thought because I wasn’t in my room crying, I was fine. I figured because I still had a social life, I couldn’t be traumatized.

I ended up subconsciously accepting the love I thought I deserved and then got upset and blamed my partner when it turned out to not be the love I wanted in the end.

I turned away the love I knew that I wanted but was too scared to feel, only I turned away too late, after the damage was already inflicted.

I can forgive myself for enduring the abuse for far longer than I should’ve.

I can not forgive myself for hurting others through my journey of healing.
Brie Pizzi Oct 2017
I was in the 8th grade when a boy once said to me, " You have a really nice body, but then you get to your face and they just don't match."

I was in the 9th grade when a boy broke up with me and my initial thought was, "I guess I just wasn't pretty enough for him."

I was in the 10th grade when I thought I had to count my calories in order to be as pretty as some of the girls I saw on television.

I was in the 11th grade when I fell in love, and peoples reactions were, "Why is HE dating HER?"

I was in the 12th grade when I turned down a guy and his first reaction was, "well you're a **** anyways."


In school,

we were taught math but were never taught self love.

we were taught history but were never taught kindness or compassion.

we were taught english but were never taught respect.

we were taught science but were never taught how to be a decent ******* human being.


I think back and realize that a lot of things that happened in the past don't even matter now.

But it did.


It shouldn't take someone committing suicide for people to finally realize that we should be kind.

Be kind because it's the right thing to be. Always.

Help people strive for self love because, *******, we all know how hard that is to obtain.

Keep living by the golden rule and maybe, just maybe, the world would be a better place, with happier people.
Brie Pizzi Nov 2018
I want to be happy.

I want to be content with the simplicity of life.

I want to stop living in extremes.

I want to feel what it is like to be in love
              without having to relive old memories.

I want to stop experiencing highs off of sadness.

I want to be able to take a deep breath
                in order to feel relief
                           rather than a gasp for air
                                     instinctual to my survival.

I want to welcome passion in again
               with wide open arms
                          feeling its embrace
                                   remembering its smell
Brie Pizzi Jan 2017
you may be difficult to love but that doesn't mean you're any less deserving of it

he can break your promises

you can't force change

each time you love, you love harder

each love you have will be different, incomparable (but you may try to)

you create your own limit on forgiveness

he will help you see your beauty, but that doesn't mean when he leaves it leaves with him

love alone isn't enough

distance will affect a relationship

you will be gullible when it comes to love

love should not make you weak, it should empower you

head vs. heart is a real thing

boys will trick you into thinking they are genuine. When you discover they aren't, don't blame yourself, leave

you can't force him to be anything more than what he is

people express love in different ways

time will pass, and you may still feel the same

keeping yourself busy will help, but not for long

one day you will wake up and it won't hurt anymore

he can love you, and still hurt you

you can love him, and still hurt him

not all relationships are meant to last

just because you haven't been alone doesn't mean you can't be

love should be selfless

love can make you angry, angrier than you ever thought was possible

sometimes it's easier to just forgive him, even though you know you shouldn't

you can love someone, and still break up with him/her

you can't control how you feel or who you fall for

sometimes staying will hurt you more than leaving

break ups will show you who's really there for you

you will try everything in you to believe his words even though deep down you know they aren't sincere

sometimes we want what we want even if we know it's going to **** us

he will feel hurt, and try to hurt you back

you cannot grow too dependent on him because he can leave

never settle for anything less than what you deserve

Your mind may trick abuse for love

Sometimes old love comes back; that's not always a bad thing

Time alone makes you realize who you need in your life

Some nights will be good, others will be bad

Always go with your gut feeling

You pictured your life once without him, you can do it again

Don't drag someone along when you have no intentions on keeping them

Love doesn't always make sense

Sometimes you are the problem

Be brave even when it's hard

Never settle in order to make others happy

You can always start over
Brie Pizzi Jul 2021
I don't trust myself when it comes to love
I have made too many mistakes
regretted too many decisions

but where does that leave me now?
I can't make decisions based off of how I feel
because how I feel is tainted with anxiety

I feel stuck in time
while the days pass by me
unable to make decisions
fearing that I will one day regret them

so instead
as time moves on
I do not
Try
Brie Pizzi Oct 2018
Try
When someone doesn't see the potential of what could be

try not to be angry
         try not to be sad
                   try not to blame yourself
                            try not to wonder why you weren't good enough

try

try to accept that it simply wasn't meant to be experienced
        try to accept that he simply didn't see just how great you are
              try to accept that he simply didn't see just how much you
                      had to offer him

you shouldn't have to wait around for someone

to realize just how great you could be together
        to realize just how worth it you are
                  to realize that you could've pulled each other
                        out of the darkest corners of your souls
                                that you both know too well.

but instead he will sit in the dark

alone

and when he sees you bright and gleaming

he will wonder why he ever even preferred the comfort of darkness
Brie Pizzi Mar 2019
I go back to the beginning of my writing to be reminded of what once was

more so to see how far I've come

other times to see how little has changed

depends on my mood...
Brie Pizzi May 2018
I've been struggling with words lately
which is weird for me

maybe it's because
I'm not sure how to make sense of it all

I'm still waiting
for everything to make sense
trying to force it almost

trying to trick
my own heart
my own mind

into believing that this is how it was supposed to happen
when I know it wasn't
Brie Pizzi Mar 2018
All aspects of my future make me anxious

Every time I think about it
I imagine this pit growing in my stomach

It starts off small
about the size of a seed
but the more that I think about it
the more I water it
and the bigger it grows

Where will I teach if I can't find a job?
bigger
Where will I live?
bigger
Who will I end up with?
bigger
Will I even find someone that wants to marry me?
BIGGER
Will I be able to have kids?
BIGGER
Will my family be around to watch me grow old?
BIG-

And then suddenly the pit has grown so large
it no longer has any room left to grow
It has taken over my stomach completely
causing me to stop in the middle of my tracks
frozen in fear
waiting desperately for it to get smaller

But it never does
Because you see
the more you water it
the bigger it grows
and there's no going backwards


Backwards
If I could go backwards
I would **** every last droplet of water out of the seed


I would give anything to make it shrink
There's not much I hate more than the unknown
Brie Pizzi Sep 2017
Just because I'm happy for you doesn't mean it doesn't feel weird. And maybe "weird" isn't the right word but as I sit here trying to figure out a better word to describe my feeling I come up blank.

I'm not hurt.
I'm not sad.
I'm....weird.

Because in reality I am truly happy for you.
I'm happy you're happy.
Finally.

I know you're a great guy and will make her happy. I hope she doesn't hurt you like I did. I hope she will never doubt that you're the right guy for her, like I so often did. I hope she will show you affection, affection I could never show as much as I tried to. I hope she will love you more than I ever did (which was a lot).

Because you deserve just that.

but ****.. does it feel weird.
Brie Pizzi Jun 2017
If you asked me to do it all over again, I would. Even if it ended with you telling me the same thing, I would. Even if it were to keep me up all night like it is now, I would. Even if in that moment after, I still feel crushed, I would. Because all of that is worth it to me.

I just want to feel again.
Brie Pizzi Jul 2021
When I'm anxious I feel frozen in place
like my feet are glued to the floor
like the air I gasp for is thick and humid

When I'm anxious I feel tired
like my mind is running a marathon
like my heart is begging to take a break

When I'm anxious I feel broken
like I am constantly scrambling to seem put together
like my reflection can see through my facade
ashamed of what it is looking at

When I'm anxious I feel hopeless
like no one can possibly help me
like I will forever feel this way
Brie Pizzi Nov 2022
Years ago you walked into my life
I can still picture what you were wearing

It popped up as a memory on Snapchat
Like a punch in the gut

The feeling I had was indescribable
To think that it has been that long

I think the feeling I was hit with was regret
Or maybe nostalgia? I’m not sure

I know it’s something I’ll live with forever
I will be married with kids and still get hit with that same feeling if your name is brought up

Don’t get me wrong I don’t miss the past
I don’t miss what we went through
What I put you through

But I think I will always miss… you
Your humor
Your kindness
Your selflessness
Our endless conversations
Our craving each others attention

I still check up on you every now and then
More often than I’d like to admit
And no it’s not how you think

I check to see if you’re okay
Which I guess is a hard thing to tell over social media but
I check to see if you’re having fun with friends
I check to see what funny tweets you retweet (we really did have the same sense of humor)
I check because I need to know that you’re happy
So that the guilt doesn’t eat away at me as much
So maybe I am still being selfish in that way

My only saving grace is knowing how great of a person you are
Knowing you will (or already have) found happiness again in someone else

I know now we have too much history to ever get back what we had
Or could’ve had

I don’t believe in soulmates
But I do believe we were put together for a reason
“right person wrong time”
to teach us a lesson

And **** did I learn that lesson.
Brie Pizzi Jul 2019
I do not miss him
I only miss the potential future I would have had with him

I knew this for months
but I was a selfish coward
unable to admit to myself that I was settling
I almost settled for something I knew I didn't want
simply because I wanted so badly to get it right

I didn't want to disappoint anyone especially him
I knew how much he wanted this
how much he wanted me
so I tried to force it
but it was fake

the more I dragged it out the more I hurt him
and so I left
unexpectedly to him
but to me it was a relief
no longer was I settling
I was finally choosing what was best for me

for so long I felt trapped
knowing someone better for me was out there waiting

to think that I almost gave that up
to think that if I had settled
I never would have met you

our future is unknown
maybe even non-existent
but that wouldn't change how I feel

and I am finally comfortable with that
Brie Pizzi Apr 2023
I have lived most of my adult life living in a constant state of anxiety.

After finally feeling as though I have conquered my relationship anxiety, I feel anxious about things I’ve never thought of before.

I used to compulsively think and worry about whether or not my partner is the one, if I will end up divorced or childless, if I should break up with my partner, if I should fix things with an old partner, etc.

Now, I am simply anxious about death.

I feel so content in my relationship for the first time but my brain still somehow finds a way to ruin me.

It’s laughing at me saying “Now you’ll get to worry about not making it to see your happiest days.”

It has made my OCD skyrocket. I am compulsively acting in ridiculous behaviors because my brain is telling me that if I don’t, my partner or I will die.

It feels as though I am being punished for making all of those mistakes between the years of my abuse and now.

It’s fine, I deserve it and more.
It’s fine, I can handle it and more.
Brie Pizzi Oct 2019
Life has made me bitter

Every proposal
Every instagram post
Every brag by a friend

I ignore the bitter taste in my mouth
swallow it instead
jealousy hides in my stomach
it tries to escape but I somehow force a smile

from the outside I look happy, hopeful
but my smile is masked by gritting teeth
my eyes start to glaze over
I pray no one notices that I'm no longer present in the conversation
because as they speak my jealousy begins to build
it builds so high I have two choices
change the subject or walk away
anything can be better than someone else's perfect relationship
especially when you're convinced you'll never find yours

life has made me bitter
it's my least favorite attribute
Brie Pizzi Jan 2017
You say you make me the happiest but you forget that you also make me the saddest.

You say that if you love someone that much you should keep trying.

You say that you never meant to hurt me.

You say that you won't hurt me again.

You say that the fighting is behind us.

You say that this is the last time.

You say that if you make me that happy, I should just drop everything and be with you.

You say that you've changed.



But you're wrong.

— The End —