nodus tollens- the realization that the "it" of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore

you call me your butterfly;
your little butterfly child
with my weak bones,
weak skin
and a weak heart.

you call me your butterfly
and my head fills with honey; you say you love me.
you call me your butterfly
and suddenly i can’t help but melting
when you look into my eyes.
you call me your butterfly
and suddenly i want you to be mine
till our wings become soft and dissipate in the warm winds.
you call me your butterfly
and say we are going to fly around the world
to see the black sky paradises
and the nightshade blues.
and all of the other hues.
you say that even in death
our love will last forever.
you said that when you called me your butterfly child.

tell me i’m yours when we are all alone
and maybe i’ll tell you you’re mine.
tell me you love me when i rest my head on your chest.
and maybe i’ll tell you i love you too
tell me you need me when you run your hands through my hair
while we lay in bed for the last time
and maybe i’ll need you just as much.
tell me you want me when you look into my eyes
and maybe i’ll tell you i want you just as much.

butterflies don’t say maybe
and neither do i.
i’ll call you mine when we are alone.
i’ll tell you i love you when i rest my head on your chest;
feeling every one of your heartbeats and breaths.
i’ll tell you i need you when you play with my hair;
the smell of you lingers in my hair
as i lay in bed dreaming of all of our time together.
i’ll tell you i want you when i look into your eyes;
for when i look into your eyes
the wind stops blowing
the sun stops shining
and my mind stops thinking.

if you have to fly away that’s okay
if know we promised to stay
but sometimes is rains when it’s not supposed to
and sometimes we pull flowers out of the ground
just to see them die and change
so i understand if the wind is going to blow you in a different direction
but don’t forget about the days where we chased the sun
and ended up talking to the moon
and don’t forget about the picture-perfect memories
where our smiles looked so big
that no one would have guessed that we were not happy
and don’t forget about all the nights we laid awake
talking about the plans we had for ourselves
and the plans we made together
and don’t forget about every shock
that you felt when my skin brushed up against yours.

you are my butterfly.
eventually, we will come together and fly.
for now, you can visit the black sky paradise
and the nightshade blues
and i’ll come one day
and be with
you.

you didn't open your eyes once.
you didn't want to see how much i was in love with you.
we sat there in the back of your car
kissing like there was no tomorrow.
but you never once opened your eyes to look at me.
you did smile..
with those perfect teeth...
your lips parting just enough
where i could feel them against my lips.
your eyes never opened.
i pushed your hair back...
maybe you were blinded by the coarse strands of golden brown hair?
i pushed and pushed but your eyes never opened.
maybe those eyes  didn't want to see who they were touching.
they just wanted the sensation of the touch.
your eyes never opened that night
and i never once got to see
those glazed brown eyes staring back at me.

“let's got for a walk..i need some fresh air"

i say that to the one person i know i shouldn't-you.
but just like always
you agree.

we walk outside in the cold air.
it's mid September by now,
but the nights turn cold
faster than your heart did.

maybe it was the alcohol
maybe it was the courage that i collected ever since you've been gone
but the normal me would have never talked to you...
especially after the worst day of our lives.

we walk along the cement path making out way to the plastic slide.
which in my eyes seems like it goes on forever in a downward spiral.
my head is spinning so i lay down.
my feet still on the steps.
knees up
and head looking at the stars.

"i really love the stars you know...they make me think of a world
bigger than our own"

       "i know you do. i remember you telling me that"

"oh"
i was going to tell you a little sorry about the stars
and how they control our lives
but i guess you already knew my thoughts about them.
i guess you knew me better than i thought you did.

"do you remember- last year how i was completely in love with you"

       "yes. I do"

"i just want to thank you. and even though i know we won't ever be the same
and that it's still awkward between us...
i just want you to know that you will always be my friend...
and i know i know u don't want me to get sappy but you.
you are just amazing.
and i think that's why i loved you the first time
and i think that's why i still love you."

       "i don't know what to say.."

"i know. you don't have to say anything”

i never looked at you. i just stared at the stars.
hoping they would control my life.
if it was left up to me.. my life would not exist at all.

"thank you for being here for me"

i turned
my hazy eyes staring into his
if i look to long i'll fall back into his spell
so i quickly decide-
should i end the night on a sad note
or end it with the best friend i've ever had.
i kiss his cheek.
the warmth from his skin lingers on my lips.
it's not ******
it's not out of lust
but it is part of our old and broken love.
i sit there my head on his shoulder

his arms wrapped around me with a strong firm grasp
and with that i know he will be there forever.
i close my eyes and doze off to the image of the stars
twirling above me in the late autumn night.

buzzzz
i wake up two hours later
realizing that this moment
will never happen
because it was just a dream
woven into the thoughts of reality.

opia- the intensity of looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable
i squint, my eyes scrunching until i can only see through a slits of my eyelids.
i see your blue eyes staring back at me. neither squinting nor widening
“this staring contest is too much. i can not win” i state.
i continue starting.
your mouth moves. gliding from smile to a sly smirk.
“you’re right. you can’t win, i’m the best at this game”
you reach across the table placing your soft palms against my cheeks.
holding my face in your hands as if i were a little child.
oh your hands are so warm
and so soft that i can’t help but opening my eyes.
my gaze rises and soon our eyes are at the same level.
your eyes are dark blue
almost as if they were made of the water from the deepest parts of the ocean.
there is mystery behind those eyes
and i know that if i stare too long
i will turn to stone and become captive in your stare.
but no
i’m like a blind woman in love with medusa.
the more i gravitate towards you
the deeper i fall into your eyes.
deep dark blue eyes
dipping into my baby blue soul
stripping me of all my inhibitions.
i guess
you’ve won the staring contest.

your glasses fogged up when i touched you.
just my presence shocked you.
we looked at each other eye to eye..
you looked away first because you were amazed that a girl like me would like a guy like you.
you hand grasped firmly on mine when got stuck in a dimension that i never wanted to be in.
you were my saving grace. you cared for me. and i let you go.
the night sky was so dark i never actually realized that morning had come.
and you my love had faded away with the moon.
you and i are opposites and can never be together, for i am the sun- radiant and scattered-
while you are the moon- bold and collected.
our love will never be complete because when i touch you we both lose a part of ourselves; slowly decay.
just like how your glasses fogged up that one cold day.

his head dipped in- so close that i could feel his hot breath against my lips.
skin so close that if i touched it everything would fall to pieces.
should i touch his lips and end this tension or let this space between us push us to edge?
every imperfection is crystal clear.
once we step back from where we are nothing can change the things we have already seen.
the thoughts, dreams, hopes, and wishes.
so as we sit here with this tension building,
should i give a piece of me and touch those lips that are so close to my skin.

mauerbauertraurigkeit- the inexplicable urge to push people away,
even close friends who you really like

i rest my head on your shoulder
as the road carries our dreams
to places we have never seen.
your arms hold me close
as your love cloaks my broken heart.
we sat there in the night
no one spoke so the silence filled the air
even though nothing was said
there were thoughts the floated in the air between us

but how can you love me
without expecting love in return?
knowing that i will just break your heart
leaving myself alone.
i guess i’m just halfway happy
with my heart made of glass
and my mind of stone.
too fragile to touch
and too hard to let in.

“she talks about him
as if he puts the stars in the sky”
you.
the light
making my world.
as bright as the stars.  
but with all this light
you can’t mend my shattered heart.
but oh my love

i don’t know if i like you
or love you
want you
or need you
all i know is that i love the feeling i get
when i’m near you.

but i guess now
you’ve left.
left with your light
left with your stars
left with your l o v e.
and left me alone in the night.
i can’t help but wonder
if it was better to love you
and lose you
or never have loved you at all.