“let's got for a walk..i need some fresh air"

i say that to the one person i know i shouldn't-you.
but just like always
you agree.

we walk outside in the cold air.
it's mid September by now,
but the nights turn cold
faster than your heart did.

maybe it was the alcohol
maybe it was the courage that i collected ever since you've been gone
but the normal me would have never talked to you...
especially after the worst day of our lives.

we walk along the cement path making out way to the plastic slide.
which in my eyes seems like it goes on forever in a downward spiral.
my head is spinning so i lay down.
my feet still on the steps.
knees up
and head looking at the stars.

"i really love the stars you know...they make me think of a world
bigger than our own"

       "i know you do. i remember you telling me that"

"oh"
i was going to tell you a little sorry about the stars
and how they control our lives
but i guess you already knew my thoughts about them.
i guess you knew me better than i thought you did.

"do you remember- last year how i was completely in love with you"

       "yes. I do"

"i just want to thank you. and even though i know we won't ever be the same
and that it's still awkward between us...
i just want you to know that you will always be my friend...
and i know i know u don't want me to get sappy but you.
you are just amazing.
and i think that's why i loved you the first time
and i think that's why i still love you."

       "i don't know what to say.."

"i know. you don't have to say anything”

i never looked at you. i just stared at the stars.
hoping they would control my life.
if it was left up to me.. my life would not exist at all.

"thank you for being here for me"

i turned
my hazy eyes staring into his
if i look to long i'll fall back into his spell
so i quickly decide-
should i end the night on a sad note
or end it with the best friend i've ever had.
i kiss his cheek.
the warmth from his skin lingers on my lips.
it's not ******
it's not out of lust
but it is part of our old and broken love.
i sit there my head on his shoulder

his arms wrapped around me with a strong firm grasp
and with that i know he will be there forever.
i close my eyes and doze off to the image of the stars
twirling above me in the late autumn night.

buzzzz
i wake up two hours later
realizing that this moment
will never happen
because it was just a dream
woven into the thoughts of reality.