if you look at her closley
you can see that,
ever now and then
she turns away from her group of friends
her smile falters
and she becomes another person for a few seconds;
a sad person
a person who is broken and damaged,
and after a few depressing seconds,
she goes back to the group,
smiling and joking around,
she almost looks like she is actually happy
but if you look at her closely
you can see how spurious her smile really is
and you can see all the wreckage behind her fake smile.

If I kept walking
Went along with the crowd
Would you miss me?

Cause sometimes I feel like doing so
Giving in to the currant
Just keeping walking

I'd be one among the many
Toss upon this moving sea
Alone - a long way away

Funny that isn't?
Alone among the many.
Where we are all alone together

The irrationality of rational thinking
Is that we must rationally account
The irrational aspect that comes with us.

Cause when does anything we do make sense?
The innocence of a guilty conscience
Is as true as the reverse

I don't want to be lonely
Don't want to be me at all really
Even if I did like solitude - it does not like me back.

But to be alone is different
Alone among the many
Makes perfect sense doesn't it?

Maybe you'll spy me one day
Just for an instant - watching you do
Before a wash of faces carries me away

Would you try to follow or
Would you think fondly of me or
Would you just convince yourself you saw nothing?

If the lather is the case
Then I leave my name with you
Where ever I might go - I will no longer need it.

I will be the Witness.
A terrible wallflower
Graceless and without power.

So maybe - I'll keep on walking
Unsure if I'll ever be anchor again
For what I know of love - there is nothing to gain.

there was nothing beautiful about it
her cheeks lost the gentle blush
her hair fell out in clumps
her teeth began to yellow
nails weak and broken
lips bruised and bleeding
there was nothing beautiful about
her scarred arms
or swollen eyes
she wasn't lovely
she wasn't kind
she'd just gone
and lost her mind
there was nothing beautiful about it*
losing all her friends
being reduced to numbers on a scale
gpa or kgs
having her best friend give up on her
having her boyfriend yell at her for not taking care of herself
having her mother cry out in sorrow
having her little sister lose a role model

there was nothing beautiful in the pain she felt
there was nothing beautiful in her sadness
there was nothing beautiful
about waking up
to a dying heart

-

the blood in my veins has dried
the spark in my eyes has died
my past self cries.