I think it’s happening again
I really hope that I’m wrong that I’m making it up that it’s all in my, head.
  I know where this road leads and it’s called depression
   From there, it’s my restriction with Ana
    I’m already freaking out. I don’t want to
     Go back down this road but it looks to be my only path
       I just feel like I’m f
                                         a
                                            l
                 ­                             l
                                  ­              i
                                                 ­ n
                                                     g apart.

I don't know who I am without her.
Before Ana I was a child and in the in be tweens  been fighting to get away.
                 But who does that make me?
First child.
Then starving hatred.
With dashes, small sprinkles of wanting recovery.
               Wanting Salvation, but knowing nothing other than how to hate and how to punish because I've forgotten what it is to be a child.
Now I know how to starve better, to be hungry longer.
I know How to please her, which is how I please myself.
             But does that really make me happy?
             Is this what I was meant to do?
Was I meant to live inside the cage of my mind, doomed to this suffering?
   For what?
      To reach my ideal of bones?
What does this make me?
           Who would I be without her?
                 How would I live without these guidelines?

When you came into my life I didn’t want you. I was so young and I thought I didn’t need you.
I said I couldn’t tell a difference, my mother begs to differ she could see the difference.
I was
Calmer
I could focus
I stopped bouncing my leg up and down, up and down, up and down all of the time.
I no longer tapped my pencil like a little drummer boy
I ate like a little girl, not a hollow creature attempting to fill a hollow leg.
It’s been 6 years. 365 days every day, each morning with you on my tongue   so that I can focus.
You have given my the power to act normal...
But we need to take a break it might not be you but I just need to see so I have to find out who I am without you and I’m scared because I don’t know who I’ll be but
I’ll still be me, right?
I’m sorry but it’s prbably just temporary  trust me

I could feel my decline.
I could hear the call.
I could feel my grip loosen and hers tighten.
So I did something I should have done a while ago.
I left...

Why?
         Why what?
                   Why do you hate the attention?
The truth is, i don't hate the attention. I love it.
But i was told if i even so much as showed that love,
        i was a brazen *****.

Scratch that either way i would be framed as a ****.

Half day, half full or half empty?
Does half the day with friends cure the blues?
Did you know y’all would date?
Did you know you’d use drugs to numb the pain?
Did you know at one point 2 out of 3 of y’all would cut your thighs so deep your scars would pucker purple?
Did you know you would one day hear voices in your head?
Did you know in a year you'd have to move?
None of us knew life would be this way. How could we?
I miss the way it way before. I miss the half frozen creek and movies.

My outlet is gone, I feel as though I am a wounded animal that lashes out at the wrong people.
I’m not sure what I’m doing, but I cling, I cling like a leaf does in the fall waiting to change. Only to be ripped away and carried by the wind to a place I know not.
Or maybe I am the tree clingy to the leaves because once I lose them I will have nothing left.
Lonely.
No more leaves. No more trees.
Just a girl. Lost. Stumbling through the confusion that is life. Perpetually tired and sick of this mess I call home.
Over and over and over again this happens. Every fall the leaves are a sight to see.
But every time they leave the tree, on to bigger and better things.

12/13/13

Stupid. Idiot. Dense. Obtuse. ******. *******.
Words that only floated through my head, never flowed from anothers mouth
I was a bully
And I was my my own victim.
I said I was kind, but I was a hypocrite.
I clearly didn't understand that to be kind
I had to include myself.

10/25/16
Food is poison but dispite the fact I continue to ingest such toxins the numbers are good, and numbers don’t lie.
9/29/17
What is it, to be out of shape? What shape are you when you are in shape?
Because last time I checked ‘fit’ and ‘healthy’ weren’t shapes.
Squares, triangles, circles, those are shapes.
10/6/17
Dancing Queen is me.
Skeleton Deer Man jr. joined the scene
I sobbed real tears of joy
Thank you for everything.