I am:
Disturbed
Cheap
Narcissistic
Selfish
Lost
Stupid
Worthless
Un­attractive
Inadequate
Boring
A mistake
Ugly
Useless
Dreadful

Maybe. But I'm still your wife. And I DO love you.
It's effortless.

You say you yearn for warmth
So I beckon the sun from it's slumber
I excitedly turn around to see your pleasure
Only to watch you drawing your hopes in the sand

You say you pine for sweet tenderness
So I melt my body into yours
It feels triumphant, but when I look up
Your head is lost inside the clouds

You say you need to be stirred by love
So I softly lean onto your shoulder
Whispering my heart's sweet nothings
But you've already turned the music back up

Even still, I keep on loving you

I wept for a life that was stolen
I cried myself unconscious missing a golden reflection
Sneaking breaths of memories trapped in the dark
Like an utter fool


I gave up such a precious portion
Handing over what used to be sacred
While whispering words too secret to be audible
Unaware of my folly


Limping through my days on crippled wings
And now wincing at the knowledge of what I helped create
What was once so revered, what was once so precious
Has slowly slipped through these fingers


I spun in circles under the sleepy stars
I let the burn envelope me
Suffocating in order to believe
That I wasn't just another foolish girl

10/8/08

You've chosen ashes over gold
Traded your heart for cheap thrills
You grew careless in your love
And drank the poison of indifference

Now you swim in the sea of deception
Because apathy long ago became your vice
She's going to pull you under
And I'm forced to watch you die

I can't save you

If you stop and pay attention
There lies an element of vibrance
In the souls of caged men
No one lets them in
It’s a sin
With a layer so thin
Alive underneath their skin
Disarm me with your ability
To believe in me
To see past the optimism
To tear down the pessimism
To end the skepticism
And love my simple complexity
It’s more than most can see
A new kind of alluring
And I’m set free

I still believe in our love
I still carry that internal knowledge
That the day you were born
My name was written on your heart

We haven't come this far
To only come this far
If the world was ending now
I would fall right back into your arms

Because you are home
You'll always be home

I gave you everything
I owned nothing more
Still, it wasn't enough
It didn't last

And perhaps neither will I

I’ve made friends with perfect strangers
Weeks later and I’ve foolishly tried
Just so that I could feel the warmth
Of such a desperately atrocious lie

I’m hopeful deep down in my nothingness
That you can’t let me go
That you can’t stop seeing my face
And that this is all a vicious show

I feel blindsided by your dishonesty
Shocked to know that this is you
The real you
Not the prince I saved my soul for

I am pierced by your callousness
I would have laid down my very life
In order to defend your honor
Alas, morning would not have come for me

It isn't malice that encases me
It is a bottomless, frigid anguish
Because it is now clear what's inside your heart
And I'm not there anymore

Too much of me
There's just too much of me
I wish I could drift off into the blank space of less
Black and swift, calm nothingness
Less is more, they say
I'm inclined to agree
I loathe the way it feels to remember
Yet I rewind the tape
And concede

In a second, it was over
Or, at least, it seemed to me no time had passed
You were everything
I needed not a single thing more

But now…. I am desperate
Desperate to cling to what I’ve always believed was true
That you desire me; every invisible piece
And God made us unbreakable

Foolish, that’s me; inadequate too
I’m not enough
I never genuinely was
You were always so much more... just being you

A blanket of warmth
Starry skies
An orange sunset
Crickets singing on summer nights
I’m alive again
All of my senses are awakened
Who is this girl that dreams so vividly
Lost in the dark places, remaining in the shadows
No one seems to be aware
That she’s long gone
A polished me
Chipper hellos
Cheery goodbyes
Are we all so blind
That we enjoy the illusion
And prefer the facade?
I’m thirsty for something more
For authenticity
Real words
Shocking humanity
Resting in the thoughts of those like me
Who see the world differently
Who are forced to grin and bear it
Before the ultimate surrender

In moments I become enraged
That I am left without choice
To call your name with no reply
As if you never breathed a breath in this life

And I know that is a wicked lie
Because you were one of my most intimate gasps
The two of us colliding like planets out of orbit
Connected in such a scarce fashion

I’ll never be me without you
The day your heartbeat died
My own heart shattered
And all the world caved in