To the man who made me who I am

Being with you was like learning without a textbook
I just watched and copied and made it my own
From gardening to maths
You made me my own genius

I didn't have to speak for you to know what was wrong
You didn't judge me for the silly things I said
Or how I never learnt at school
You taught me to teach my self

You were my Mr Miyagi
With less riddles more jokes
I learnt that laughter can flood rooms like tidal waves
And we were leaves to float in it

And now you're gone I wont mourn
You would tell me to stop crying and cut my hair
I will use laughter to put a smile on raggedy dolls
And the stories to keep the dark days down

Thank you for being the Godfather of giggles
Making Sunday dinners not the day to fear Mondays
Having gardening not be a chore but a way to think
Rest well Granddad.

Don't let a piece of paper define you
You write who you are
You don't rub out
You leave a mark

Your romance carved into trees
Your sadness watercolours of ink
Your happiness an explosion of paint
Your anger scrunched up beside the bin

You write essays on stories you don't care for
Read something that makes your heart cling to your chest seeking love
Something that makes your brain question the very beauty of life
Something that gives you goosebumps with feelings you cant explain

They are scared of how strong you really are
Schools don't educate they dictate
Educate yourself
You are the greatest teacher

Your brain is the self made nuke
They are scared you are going to blow
A war that is your true self
Its better to fight standing than fearing on your knees.

Her beauty was natural with the volume turned up
She was music only I could hear
My headphones for lonely nights
A bass line that echoes my heart

Her only genre was making me smile
A one person concert every time we spoke
She needs no instruments just her lips
The only amp she needs is her soul

Cover art was the pretty dresses
Song names days we spent
The duration of an album was each season
And I wanted the summer single to never end.

Chains of heart strings locked away by fake queens
Time behind a cell wall
I wonder why love is a crime

Punishment from something that my heart commits
But my brain a bystander to an attack on beauty
Witness to pain from someone meant to be a painkiller

Your lying lips sounding like old movie scripts
Bounding me to the cold corners of this mental cage
Prison tattoos consisting of scarred arms

Associates in romance and nothing more
Holding hands just a misdemeanor
You’re leaving me on parole.

I no longer cared about sweaty palms,
After I felt her hands
I would catch every disease just to hold on
It no longer mattered. Only she mattered.

Everything but my hand, a void
My body, space;
My hand, the earth;
Her fingers, the sun.

That hand taught me how to live.
Nothing past had mattered
The thing that mattered was this hands owner
Not even the voice that wanted to let go and run.

Following up her goose bumped arm
To a dress that made summer jealous,
Skin that beat fresh snow
And hair like autumn trees.

If mother earth was real
Her real plan was this girl
The sky was made to reflect of her eyes
Then bounce into my soul.

The only time the horde in my brain halted
And the fleet in my stomach retreated
To think the best medicine could be a human
She threw all the pills out the window

Pain killers came through kisses,
The psychotic moods gone with hugs,
Vocal novacane caught tears
And the only sickness was love

Now without her.
Its withdrawal of happiness
Human touch now words on a page
Love hidden under the bed.

I stare into glass eyes with a saddening
lack of depth,
we are all contradictions to the idea
of a free spirit
how are we free without knowing
we are yet released from social borders
our natural state
man made

We inhale time
not smoke,
lines turn night
to day
stuck with the same kind of people
no room to grow
instead we bury ourselves
underground

collapsed.

Alcohol, the artificial happiness
Seems cheaper than the real thing
Rooms spinning like depressing theme parks
Pavements became pillows

My mouth tastes like sour ash
The start of the night never existed
It always felt like it was about to end
But time became a fairy tale

Feeling indestructible to the world
But a victim to yourself
A Grenade that lost its pin
Weapons became bottled up.

a numb boys body in the end
barely living, couldn't contend
the misfortune he wanted amend
when all is gone can he ascend?

for the air is thick
and the world is sick
a melancholy wall built brick by brick

the boys name is tribulation
consummate by manipulation
everything but a simulation
but he waits for the last invitation

A warrior with clean armour
Has not seen real battle
He bares his fangs
But bares no scars

A bladeless sword
All for show
A conversation piece
For cowardice not war

A rusted knight
With a heart of gold
So cumbersome
It became a curse

A war for wimps
A social life battle
Casualties of black sheep
Are the real fallen soldiers.

The curse of feeling
Is also deceiving
For I am always grieving
The loss of never achieving

It's hard living with a fragmented brain
The sad truth is we're all insane
And one day we will fall like rain
To deal with stupendous pain

My very being a damnation
Pleasure of life lost its sensation
To numb it all a temptation
Would be an end to this narration.

My room,
Both a death camp and a safe zone,
Rather wither away,
Than face execution.

Open door,
Deep breath,
Failure.

Hand over my feelings,
back to bed,
laying there,
friends were a conspiracy.

Leaving this house a teenage floor of lava,
To the armory,
Wield headphones and an over grown coat.

Open door,
Deep breath,
Stand.

The sun hurt as if i just left a space ship,
Fear of both know and unknown,
On this planet I was the alien.

Open gate,
Deep breath,
Walk.

Pavements conveyor belts,
Pushing out ghouls of society,
Cubicle bound,
Grey walls.

Yet still asked why so scared,
Of what I wish was just in my head,
This earth,
The land of dead.

Feeling sober in a drunk world
Contact to the unseen
Crowds oblivious
Things lurk in eye corners

Upsets and pain coat the streets
Like Graffiti of fear
My eyelids like glass
Consciousness more a nightmare

Panic in a busy town
To those who wear masks
Fake people
The modern monsters

Conversations like banshees
The sound resonates my head
Left numb to life
Body fatigued from the brain.

When will this sick feeling end
Clouds in my brain turning black
Thunder of hateful thoughts
Like lightning to my heart

Body shake earthquake
Hands a tremor
Volcano stomach
Landslide legs to the ground

Eyes collapse like buildings
Rubble tears crash off my face
Fog of fear filling my lungs
Choke on reality.

My body is cloth
To cut as I choose
Held together with cotton
And patch work bruises

Broken button eyes
Mouth of stitches
No words to escape
Put away into a box

Waiting to be used
But thrown away
For second hand love
I’m just a rag doll.

Sometimes you have to bite the bullet
Even when it comes from your own revolver
The wars on the inside your behind enemy lines
Because they are your lines

Shipped away into deep thoughts
You can't send letters to family
You're afraid they will know
Of the war of a confused mind

Keep your head down they are firing depression
Put your gas mask on anxiety is coming
Keep down low or you will be taken out
Stay in your trench of a bedroom.

My stomach never felt like this
A stone falling deep into the sea
Going into the unknown
Actually makes me so aware

3 AM felt so warming
Infiltrating my dreams
For me to wake up with a smile
Was no longer rare

I could get out of bed
Take my first breath
All without feeling sick
And that was scary

Stepping outside was now refreshing
Instead of being bashed by the tide
I flowed with it
I found a painkiller for numbness.

A reason to live in the lifeless

Hope in lost dreams
Solitude behind broken walls
Creativity from empty pages

Wisdom in foolishness
Knowledge from silent mouths
Voices in a deaf crowd

Love from a motionless heart.

I ask my self when do i start to grow old
An office block and a tie was what i was told
Exams and hard work was what i was sold
But living a life like that sounds too cold

Even now the outside is an unknown
In a sea of people where i feel alone
Is there something i must atone?
Is this just an empty moan?

Im facing one of my greatest fears
My pleas are on deaf ears
People care less over the years
But still throw spears that stop my gears

I lay awake with my mind racing
Disappointment the only thing chasing
Can i keep up with the pain I’m facing

Wishing for help just leaves my eyes sore
Everywhere I look just a closed door
Paranoid about whats in store
Nothing more than an emotional war