In the far back of my mind
Is where I house all my paintings
There are aisles and aisles of blue
Dark and light hues clashing with white
The ups and downs of chapters in life
This is my safe space.
In the center of the gallery
A painting does not belong
Red and black flames
Shooting across canvas
Angrily wanting to burn down
All the rest that I have created
I can't recall painting this
It just appeared one day
This canvas is taking over the gallery

I'd leave you in the middle of the night
Just to have you wonder about me
Where I went
What I was thinking
If I was with someone else
I would leave all these things behind
The papers mean nothing to me
The fabrics mean nothing to me
I want to prove to you
That you too, can mean nothing to me
I want you to hurt in ways I cannot explain
In many ways you have broken my heart
In many ways I realize you have not
But I'd still leave you in the middle of the night
To prove what cost is to me

You rid yourself of the poison
The one that lived inside your cells
It felt like 100 years
With that one change
An entire new light
A new love for life
Your children
Your own body

I wanted to be your warrior
Your protector
The keeper of all evils
From entering your new safe realm
I laid down everything to protect
These brief few years
Of sobriety
Of happiness

I was reminded this was not my journey
For this was something for you
This road was yours to travel
I had only wanted to guide you
To keep you seeing the light
Away from the dark
I found my own darkness in your light
I took your pain and tried to make it my own

And now you are back on this path
This ***** life full of white lies
Full of anger and distrust
Who led who here?
It is easy to ask you to be stronger
It is hard to ask you to give back up
You almost rid yourself of poison
I almost rid myself of light

There once was a man who lived in a tower
He had orange skin and fools gave him power
His hands shook with fury at every critique
While his family's obligations were to remain chic
His head began to swell while his eyes grew smaller
But his silly little brain it began to falter
This was a man who thought ****** assault was a joke
Until Women around the world began to hope that he'd choke
Women gathered and rallied and screamed for their rights
They took to the streets in ***** hats and tights
The man did not like this, how dare they disagree!
With the world he was trying to create
Full of misogyny

Push my limits
Hot water on my skin
Until it grows red and itches
Boiling water on my lips
Until I can no longer feel them
Steam on my hands
Until my palms and wrists begin to sweat
Ice on my back
Bringing me in all together
Giving myself chills
Scream at me
Do anything
To show you are here
The mirror gives such a poor reflection
I want to break you
This is not the inside of my head
I wish I could see her

When everything begins to bottle up
I must bring myself down
I could smooth out the wrinkles
I could mantra things out
But I am my own worst enemy
So I pick, ****, and poke
I especially like to highlight my flaws
During these times
Twisting and contouring my body
Unnatural poses for a natural body
I am so trivial
But I am my own worst enemy
I wonder if you think I'm beautiful
I am vain that way
Aren't we all?
I wonder if you see my flaws
The dents in my skin
I wonder if you cherish them
If you wish for them to be gone
If you wish I was more like her
I want to scream at this woman I have become
But I am my own worst enemy
It would just be so much easier to live
A life full of confidence and crop tops
High waisted shorts with cellulite
An inch of skin hanging over the top
And why not?
My own judgments and insecurities
I want to be your friend
I want you to be happy
When your thighs feel full and swollen
When your face is scattered with imperfections
When your stomach can't **** in anymore
I am still here
I so desperately want to be your friend
But I am my own worst enemy

I did not ask to enter this world a female,
but it's what God granted me.
I did not ask to be regulated by hormones,
but it is what is expected of me.
I did not ask for this child,
that was forced upon me late one night.
I did not ask for this judgement,
that is so easily handed out.
I did not ask to be called 'baby',
by that man on the subway.
I did not ask for the opinions of my weight,
which are so casually thrown about.
I did not ask for a smaller salary,
due to the genitalia I was provided.
But this is the life I was given, and so I find my tribe.
I find other women who grant me peace and protection.
I advocate for women whose voices are not heard.
I fight for my future daughters.
I protest the hate.
I protest the inequalities.
I protest for our Mother, Earth.
I protest, and I stand, and I cry.
My ****** is my home.
My womb is my decision.
My body my choice.

It was the strangest of days,
That turned into the coldest of nights.
I lay there waiting for the Fisherman's return.
A promise of his blessing,
Before I headed out to warmer waters,
Until Summer was to return.
The red wine was now half empty,
The candles wax-ridden and burned.
The current shifted, it was time to return.
A fair maiden in a tavern,
Wrapped around the Fisherman's arms.
He gave her tokens she would treasure
I gave him curses of scorn.

You're draining us

We're spent

This is the last time I swear it

Your siblings don't ask us for help

My siblings don't pay rent.

No matter how hard you work

And what bills you pay

Millennials were born behind the glory day.

I remember your cruel love
The first time you said you loved me
The first time you led me down the stairs
There was nothing in you I wanted
But naive young girls do naive young things

Your words were like gifts
Your gifts were like a song
I blindly sang along
Trusting you was easy
But you proved me wrong

I'm cruel in my heart, I know it
But it's what you planted for me
Your mean hands ripped open my chest
You buried something so ugly and dark
So deep it bled into my soul.

Something inside of you was broken
Something was breaking inside of me too
I think of you now and my hands lock up
I hope you have all daughters
I hope they date men like you

I hope it breaks your heart and kills you.

Every morning I go underneath the Earth
I leave the trees behind to walk upon concrete
A utopia of green and blue
For a dystopia of gray and black
Trying to maximize my worth
A weekly void to fill
Means to survive
Off of hands I do not want touching me
They have the tightest grip around my throat
More is not enough
Everything I have I turn over
To breathe air that they poison
Drinking the water they have polluted
I scream and I shake and I cry
How can they do this?
Why is everyone okay with this?
Do we have no say?

Blind power
I look around me
You are all staring at a small screen
A device they have handed you
You even paid them for it
And now it distracts you
From the poison they feed you
A revolution! Please, I beg
Around me blank stares
She wore it best, he's dating that *****
Wake up I plead
There is no power left of the people
Willing wrists
To be cuffed

He had salt water in his veins
I knew it from the moment our eyes met
His calloused hands proving worth
I needed to consume him
He reached for the flower in my braid
I led him down an alley

In my home he removed his hat
My clothes, my insecurities, my skin
He gave me shells from his life
I treasured them like coins

When he had to return to the Sea
He kissed my cheek
I bid him farewell
That was the beginning

Please stop hurting yourself my love
Let me take this from you
Your eyes have yet to see true pain
True heartache
I can't tell you enough how much better it will be
How much harder things will get
How satisfying success is
How the defeats are devastating
How you will continue to pick yourself up
And knock your own self down
The trials and tribulations are real
But the glory is so powerful
So prevailing
So please stop hurting yourself my dear
You will see true pain
In a few short years.

The hushed force drives you near
Rushing around you filling your ears
Are you healed yet?

You push deeper
Walking towards the center, steeper
Are your eyes closed?

One last breath
You exhale whatever is left
Are you sinking?

Underneath her surface
There is nothing to purchase
Are you pure yet?

The deepest fear
Remaining here
Never to be noticed.

You leave on Mondays
At the same time
Most weeks

You gently tell me goodbye
I fold into your arms
And let you kiss me

You have gone
While I am left behind
Waiting for your call

Silence.
Silence.
Silence.

My soul goes black.
Open wounds I pick at
I cry for you to remember me

Occasionally you miss me
You let me back into your world
After a long while

You confidently tell me hello
I fold into your arms
And let you kiss me

And I crave it.

I jump into it wholeheartedly.

The same trap.

I keep my face bare
Saving my make up for him on weekends.
I count every calorie of every day
Hoping he will grab my waist more tenderly.
I rid my body of hair until it bleeds
Just in case he visits.
I push my heart rate daily
Willing my body to burn itself.
I cut and pick and paint my nails and their beds
Dreaming in a haze that he'll hold them.
I whisper loving words in his ear and leave him love notes
Praying one day he will return them to me.

The first time he hurt you, you told your mother
Her visions blurred by a bottle
You poor little lost soul, you are surrounded by poison

Your dreams were limited to one island
'You can't leave here'
He rips the rest of the world off of a map

A sick seed grows inside you, spoils your appetite for life
If only you had wings
You are so sick you don't see love anymore

A small window of opportunity arises
I have to leave now
Your father helps you pack your car in the night

A new road on a long journey
Five hundred miles does not feel like enough
Is he following?

Sunshine and cigarettes are now your new air
You gladly accept this poison over the last
One day, all you'll be breathing is the ocean's air little girl.

A self-proclaimed Christian
A ruby for your crown
'Let's build a life together'
Let me tear her down

A friendship to be broken
A lover that was bad
A baby in the middle
Never to be had

Fighting for your attention
Craving all your love
I woke up in the hospital
Where I saw a white dove

On the cab ride home alone
A sense a peace falls over me
A self-proclaimed Christian
Something you will never be.

Every time I got into that car I dreamed of leaving you
Heading South to a new town where no one knew my name
Forgetting the pain you were causing me
I could have fit everything in that car

I saw you holding her hand downtown
In that tiny little city where nothing remained a secret
I went back to your house, our home
Where you promised me things would change
Where we'd be a family

It took less than an hour to get everything out
It all fit in that car
I took the dog
I called my mother, admitted defeat

You didn't call to ask where I was
Where I had gone
Where the dog went
You knew

I headed North
A true blessing on the rise
With each mile
A bigger smile on my face

There was snow on the ground when I got there
I drove straight to the beach
I dipped my feet in the icy waters
I felt nothing
I felt everything

I started from scratch
In a big city where no one knew my name
I began trusting my soul again
I fell in love with myself again
I didn't hear from you for two years

You called me at midnight
On a Tuesday in May
To tell me you were marrying her
That you were sorry for the pain you caused me
How you shifted my life

I thanked you.

Do you remember the first time alcohol touched your lips?
A plastic water bottle filled with your neighbors *****
A new taste and smell enter your atmosphere
The warm air wraps its arms around you

Is this what being numb feels like?
Your head clouds
An overcast day has set in your mind

Has everything always been this beautiful?
Has everything always felt so raw?
Your inhibitions are gone
You are free to float as you please
A sloppy smile creeps across your face
You close your eyes

The freedom you craved has been achieved
And now all you want is the safety behind your door
Fireworks go off in the distance
The air turns cold
The sweater you brought is gone

Laying down feels like floating
Mocking waves rock you to sleep
You are unaware of the journey you have just begun

There is a steady white wash of noise
It pulls your body closer
Your heart rate elevates
The air is thick with warmth
The mist delivers salt on your lips
A crash on shore hits you square in the chest

I can purify myself out there
You go under the water
Emerged in dark and light
Cold rushes over you
You are floating and fighting

My eyes are closed as I take each step
Forward, forward, forward
My shoulders ache with the pain of knowledge from the past
Let it go, they say, time heals everything
Forward, forward, forward
And it does
Running in the sand I wonder if you've touched this part of the beach
Forward, forward, forward
Did you know that we'd fall in love?
That fateful night, alone outside, you changed my life
Forward, forward, forward
And now I take each step with you in my mind
I can not consume this
You have taken my soul
Forward, forward, forward
I give and I give and I give
I want you to take it all.

How I envision weekends
Never go as planned
I wish to lay beside you
Rolling in the sand

You wade into the water
While I watch from the marsh
Diving down with your basket
I hold my breath with yours

You're waist high in the water
I'm smiling from land
The current breaks around you
There you are, my merman

When you've collected 20 quahogs
We head down the street
You feed your family
I feel complete

I dreamed I was a siren
I watched you from new points of view
under neath the water
you stroked the surface
propelling your board
I followed you down the coast
I tried not to grab your hand
knowing basic instinct was to drown
But I did it anyway
I dragged you down
I tried to fill you with my soul
But your love for the sea and mine differ
you almost made it back to land
I could have let you
But I needed you to feel my pain
I drowned you in the sea
You drowned me in the sand.