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Feb 2020 · 110
Something meaningful?
Crystal Feb 2020
Something meaningful?
Do you ever feel so hollow the world could swallow you whole and no one would ever know?
So empty, wounded,and damaged.
That you could stop breathing and for the first time in a long time,  you'd feel something other than sadness?
Like dying is the only way you could feel as if you were ever even alive in the first place?
You feel non existent. Non important.
You feel dead. You feel alive. You feel sorrows deep inside.
Crave life. Crave meaning. Crave feeling.
Continue reading...
Feb 2020 · 112
Untitled
Crystal Feb 2020
Untitled
I wouldn't mind dying.
I know that's not something I should just say and talking like this is no joke.
But if the opportunity showed up to no longer be living this sad life, I wouldn't hesitate.
Pull the trigger, Jump of that ledge.Sink to the bottom even though I know how to swim.    
If it was between always feeling this way, and ending this feeling...

I'd end it all in a heartbeat.
Continue reading...
Feb 2020 · 106
One more time.
Crystal Feb 2020
One more time.
I told myself I was doing better.
For a while I believed I was.
I told myself I'd be a better me.
For a while I was.
I told myself that I would make it.
For a while I was doing well.
I told myself to not look back.
For a while I didn't.  
Yet once again here I am in the same space. A place I know much to well. A place I am  convinced is worse than hell.
I know this pain. I've been here before.  
Why the hell am I back here?
Why the hell did I let myself........


This hurts so much.
Continue reading...
Apr 2019 · 134
flame.
Crystal Apr 2019
flame.
If we could just go back in time.
To that moment when you not only broke us, but shattered me , I wish you told me right away.
Feeding me lie after lie.
So simply.
So harmful.
So hateful.
Ate it right out your hand and you  loved every bit.
Not knowing what I know now.


Take it back. Go back and don’t do it again! please..


Or no,...
No!  Go ahead do it all over.
***** it all up again! ***** me all up again...
Break my heart one more time. Maybe this will help me see.
Help me see that what you did was no good.
Maybe I’ll wrap it all together and leave.’
Maybe I’ll let it all slip between my fingers rather than to grasp for it like I gasped for air.

You let me stay in hopes it’ll be okay.
You let me burn.
But I let you ignite me.
Yet I am the one who begged for forgiveness.
And as you watched me burn, you smiled.
Because you loved watching the smoke take every breath away.

Without a single doubt, I’d take back all that time.
To save my lungs the harmful gas. And my heart the painful wound.
Continue reading...
Feb 2019 · 149
A
Crystal Feb 2019
***
A sad friend.

A sad story.

A dead end.
I wish u never did it.
Continue reading...
Mar 2018 · 224
Not a cry for help.
Crystal Mar 2018
Not a cry for help.
I wouldn't mind dying.
I know that's not something I should just say and talking like this is no joke.
But if the opportunity showed up to no longer be living this sad life, I wouldn't hesitate to end it.
Pull the trigger, Jump of that ledge.Sink to the bottom even though I know how to swim.    
If it was between always feeling this way, and ending this feeling...

I'd end it all in a heartbeat.
I just don't know.
#hey
Continue reading...
Feb 2018 · 583
NoticeMe
Crystal Feb 2018
NoticeMe
Why is it that he gets to be happy?
He gets to smile and be in love.
While I drown in the heartbreak  he left me in.
While I try to numb the pain with a few drinks a day.
Even though I've got everything.
I feel nothing.
Empty and I want to know why.
Lost and I want to be found.
Broken and I dont need to be fixed
Sad and I have no true reason to be
Gone and  no one has noticed.
#broken #sad #gone #lost #fixed #found #he #love #why #when
Continue reading...
Feb 2018 · 508
A
Crystal Feb 2018
***
you're all I think about.
I hate it.
I can't do anything.
I don't do anything.
Getting out of bed is hard.
You've made it hard and I hate everything about you.
I haven't been posting because my mind is all about him and the pain he has left me in.
#him #left #gone #help #schoolsucks
Continue reading...
Jan 2018 · 163
Happy
Crystal Jan 2018
Happy
I wish nothing more than to write about  happy stories.  With happy endings....
But I can't write about something I've  yet to experience. Not with passion atleast...
#Can'tRelateToHappy
Continue reading...
Jan 2018 · 171
Promises
Crystal Jan 2018
Promises
Promises  aren't  always kept.



... that's  a promise.




Ironic. Isn't  it?
Continue reading...
Jan 2018 · 208
Somebody new.
Crystal Jan 2018
Somebody new.
Everything like you.
I know where this is going.
Yet I am still with him.



Beacuse I've  grown comfortable in



pain heartbreaker puts me in.
#FuckLove #Pain #MissHim
Continue reading...
Dec 2017 · 287
Soft
Crystal Dec 2017
Soft
Like a slow dancing song. It felt good to be in your arms. Like the world was on fire, and you put the flames out.


So In Love With You.
Continue reading...
Dec 2017 · 352
In pain.
Crystal Dec 2017
In pain.
You broke my heart baby boy.
What did you do that?
You came to me, walked into my life so, broken, lost, and scared.
Only to leave me feeling the same, Not sane. Insane thanks to you.
****** me, not physically, but emotionally. All because...
She hurt you, mistreated you, took you for granted , I guess you could say she took advantage.
Hurt me in every single way, Only in pain because you left me this way.
I'm not mad at you, I don't hate you. This isn't about you.
This is about the pain I am in because of your actions.
Because I let pain enter me.
Thinking, hoping, and praying  it was just a visit. Only to find it moving in, staying, and planting itself in me. Trying to kick it out only made it angry.
Growing thorns, I swear it hurts when I try letting the thought of you go.
Suffocating in heartbreak. Like my lungs crave that feeling you once gave me, when I saw you, took my breath away, in a good way.  
Lovely baby boy. Slick with your words, not with your actions. I can't believe I ever found you and your ugly heart attractive.
I just wish the pain would leave. I miss you, But then I don't. You broke my heart,
#heartbreak #him #love #her #me #pain #sad #crying #you #suffocating
Continue reading...
Dec 2017 · 229
About you.
Crystal Dec 2017
About you.
They told me about you
They told me you'd hurt me
They told me you'd break my heart
They told me to not fall for you
But what they didn't tell me was why 
I had grown curious as to why no one seemed to like you . As if you'd made a big mistake and everyone seemed to spite you
But you ... knew what to say and maybe that was the problem .... maybe you knew what to say and you got me to fall for someone like you .. someone like you that completely broke me and I should have listened but a part of me only saw the potential in you and it broke me ...somebody so broken .destroyed .. empty ....
But you had your way of doing the same and you made me sane again for a while we were happy ... for a while ...
You then took your anger out on me and I saw what they meant by when they said you'd hurt me
You were still in love with her ..
She broke you and you broke others but I don't blame you. . I can't blame you.  
You didn't mean it .. in fact I should have seen it coming ..
Dont know who this is about...
#him #hurt #lost
Continue reading...
Dec 2017 · 183
BACK.
Crystal Dec 2017
BACK.
Back to being sad.
Back to being lonely.
Back to being dead inside.
Back to fighting with myself.
Back to losing hope.
Back to being lost and damaged.
Back to feeling blue.
Back to loving you.
Back to loving, hating myself for letting you do what you do.
Back to being "brOKen"
Back to feeling numb.
Back to the boy, so now they call me dumb.
Back to feeling stupid.
Back to being used.
Back to the things I've secretly missed.
Back to being lost and confused.
Back to acting naive, just because I'm young.
Back at letting the pain back in because she asked so politely.
            Oops?
I don't know...
Continue reading...
Dec 2017 · 174
R word pt2.
Crystal Dec 2017
R word pt2.
"Maybe you asked for it"
Maybe I did.
Of course I mean I was on my knees begging for it, so  it seems.
Crying, kicking, screaming.
I've yet to figure out how to put in words how terrifying it was.
No words can ever describe how he stripped me from myself.
Took all of me without asking........
Maybe I asked for it, that seems to be everyone excuse for when a boy doesn't man up to the things he has done.

"The R word I can't say"
The R word I can't say is in my profile.
Continue reading...
Dec 2017 · 225
SMILE.
Crystal Dec 2017
SMILE.
You wake up.
Put a happy face on.
Act as everything is fine.
In reality they don't know.
Your world is on fire.

Darling don't let it burn you.
Instead,roast marshmallows with a smile.
Some like the burn.
#free #smile #fire #sleep
Continue reading...
Dec 2017 · 176
IDK
Crystal Dec 2017
IDK
You ever feel lost and empty?
But you seem to have everything in your life.
Like great friends, partner, family, school is going great, work is going great.
But something seems to be missing and you try so hard to find that missing piece only to lose more pieces along the way?
I'd like to think it means you're growing. Nothing wrong with growing , even if that means you grow apart from people and things that in the moment made you happy.
I don't know... I think a lot, about a lot.
Continue reading...
Dec 2017 · 155
ask.
Crystal Dec 2017
ask.
You asked me to give you a chance.
I did.
You asked me to fall in love with you.
I did.
You asked me to care about you.
I did.
You asked me stay.
I did.
You asked me to trust you.
I did.
I did all of these things, scared out of mind you'd break my heart.
You asked me if I loved you.
I said yes
You asked me if you'd leave, would I cry.
I said of course
I asked you if you loved me.
You said maybe
I asked you to stay.
You left me.
I asked you if you cared about me.
You laughed and I never heard from you again.
Continue reading...
Nov 2017 · 198
.
Crystal Nov 2017
.
I can't help it.
You hurt me.
You put me in pain.
I let you hurt me.
I let you in and now I am a big mess
I let you in and now I can't seem to let you go.
Continue reading...
Nov 2017 · 548
Dear Bipolar
Crystal Nov 2017
Dear Bipolar
You have been in my family for years.
A long history I have with you.
yet I know nothing about you.
I only know how you can make me feel.
I know that I can fall asleep so happy with myself and my life.
Only to wake up and want to end it.
I can go from confused to angry within a matter of seconds all because of the thoughts you put in my head.
You've got me wishing I was dead.
You've got me hopeless , lost, and scared of my own thoughts.
I have tried to make amends with you.
I have asked you to leave, but looking at my family tree I guess that isn't up to me. I am so jealous of those in my family that have not crossed your path.
I am so angry you chose me, because I want nothing to do with you, but you want everything to do with me.
Slowly I am understanding how you work, but it seems once I learn your pattern, you decide to make a new one.
I wish I was "normal" I wish I didn't have to explain to people in my life that it is not entirely up to me on how I feel.
I will not let you destroy me .
I will not become you, but I am now okay with you becoming a part of me.
I am not the best writer i know.
#insane #bipolar #lost #love #help
Continue reading...
Nov 2017 · 721
break.
Crystal Nov 2017
break.
When I told you I wanted to hurt myself again you said
" Please don't" and I replied with
"Why not? The cuts will fade away one day"

You said " The ones on your arm? Sure they will. But not the ones you'll leave on my heart if you do"

I miss that you. The one that cared and loved so hard.

She broke your heart.
So in return you broke mine.

Funny what heartbreak does to people.

Because now I've broken him,
and I am currently watching him break her.
An endless cycle.
Love is stupid.
#him #love
Continue reading...
Nov 2017 · 490
My first.
Crystal Nov 2017
My first.
You walked into my life so easy.
I made you apart of me so fast.
You told me you loved me and that we would last forever.
I knew it was a lie, I mean nothing last forever.

You slowly made me pray that you'd be my nothing, and really last forever.
But instead I slowly became nothing to you.

You knew I hadn't done anything with anybody before.
Not only did you come first in my life, but you were my first.
My first kiss, love, and everything else.
You also became the person that broke my heart for the first time.
You did it so simple.
Broke me so easy.
hurt me so hard.
Left me so fast.

Nothing last forever.
Not even your first everything.
because then there is a second, third , fourth, and so on.

I still love you. You are still my nothing. I hope we fix us. I hope you wake up and see it has and always will be you and I.
I don't know who this is about.
#first #love #him #sad #loving #loved #boy #kiss #easy #nothing
Continue reading...
Nov 2017 · 245
Slowly...
Crystal Nov 2017
Slowly...
I allowed the pain to enter me. In hope it would leave, destroy a few things first, of course.
The pain has slowly become me. I do nothing.
I cry and sleep, never eat, few showers a week.
drowning my sorrows in illegal drinks, because you can't drink at 18.
So of course no day drinking. Only day smoking.
Filling my lungs with something that will slowly **** me.
You'd be mad if you knew. My excuse?
You were slowly killing me too.
#Slowly #Him #Dead #Help
Continue reading...
Nov 2017 · 191
you.
Crystal Nov 2017
you.
I just wanted you.
Nothing else.
No one else.
Your lips.
Your hugs.
You. Simply,  imperfect you.


You at 3 am
You at 3 pm

It has always been you.
Continue reading...
Oct 2017 · 172
5AM.
Crystal Oct 2017
5AM.
5 Am.
Another sleepless night.
All because the thought of you won't let me rest.
All beacuse those broken promises get to me.
All beacuse I saved you , while you killed me.
5 AM.
You.
5 AM.
Her.
5 AM.
Us.
Please save me.
Continue reading...
Oct 2017 · 198
The R word I can't say...
Crystal Oct 2017
The R word I can't say...
I screamed.
You liked it.
I cried.
You loved it.
I begged.
You luaghed about it.
I kicked and yelled.
You gripped and moaned.
I said "Please stop."
You said " Oh hell no"  
I tried to leave.
You pinned me down, inserting yourself in me without permission. Can't get that vison of you on me , in me, out of me.
I told somebody
They said  " I bet you asked for it"
.....



-You took all of me.
2 years and it still hurts.
#imoverot
Continue reading...
Oct 2017 · 358
Poor boy.
Crystal Oct 2017
Poor boy.
You came to me so lost.
So unsure of yourself.  
Poor little broken boy.
Shes only using you.
You don't see it, but I do.
She is doing what you did to me.
Slowly killing you.
Drowning you with lie after lie.
Every I love you , I need you, and I miss you. Said with no feeling.
And every "forever us" said with no intention of staying at all.
Broken. How you left me.
Broken, how you've been your entire life.
Lost, not knowing how to love because you have no love at all. Not even for yourself.
Poor boy.
So lost.
Slowly dying.
Slowly losing control.
You poor little lost soul.



I can't save you. It's to late.
I'm not sorry.
Know yourself boy.
#sad #love #left #care #broken #lost
Continue reading...
Oct 2017 · 408
Insane.
Crystal Oct 2017
Insane.
I woke up at 3 Am again.
What a nightmare.
Losing you wasn't a dream. It was a reality that has yet to hit me.
I know once it does I will go insane.  
Or maybe I already have.
I no longer know the difference between a nightmare and reality because when you left it felt so unreal.
I can't wait to wake the hell up and let you go.
You are no good.
#him #love #sadlovestory #gone #3am #us #broken #lost
Continue reading...
Oct 2017 · 314
slow.
Crystal Oct 2017
slow.
I don't know what it was about you that got me so addicted.
Love, the worst kind of drug.
To crave you at 3 Am.
Like an addict.
You are the thing that is slowly killing me.
Funny how the number one reason I want to give up is also the number one reason why I have't.
It was never anything you said or did.
It was the feeling that had came along with you.
Now your gone and I have never been so lost in my life.
This withdraw will be the death of me. Slowly.
Why did you leave me here all alone.
Why did I think someone like you would stay with someone like me.
You said you needed me.
I needed you way more than you needed me and you left just because of that.
I hate that I still crave you. Your lips on mine. The thought of that drives me insane. Then reality hits as I see your lips on hers.
I think I officially hate you more than you hate yourself.
I have no room in my heart for hate . So I pray everything on your side is okay. If it isn't I hope you remember me and cry, just as I do with you.
End my suffering. Don't make my death slow. Just pull the trigger I'm sick I'm playing Russian roulette
-

This word is full of ugly people.
#sad #him #her #us #love
Continue reading...
Oct 2017 · 285
When.
Crystal Oct 2017
When.
"It get's better" they keep telling me.
WHEN ?
When the hell will it get better?
Some days I think it is better. I think that the thought of him isn't so harmful.
But some days I just wanna lay down in bed and cry about everything.
I never want to feel this pain again in my life.
When will the thought of him not want to make me throw up.
I hate him.
When will he come back?
When will he make me happy again...
I hate him.
everything about him and what he has done to me.
I hate everything.
#sad #him
Continue reading...
Oct 2017 · 220
give up.
Crystal Oct 2017
give up.
I gave up on myself
I stopped loving and caring.
I stopped living.
All because you left.
I wish you never left.
I want you to come back and kiss my wounds.
It's sad because you are the reason they are here.
They wont leave. THE THOUGHT OF YOU WONT LEAVE.
Please go away
Please make it stop hurting so dam much....
Continue reading...
Oct 2017 · 206
Forgot.
Crystal Oct 2017
Forgot.
I stopped eating.
I didn't mean too....
I just forgot.
I forgot I excited.  


I forgot how too live.
Sadly. I did not forget you. How could I ever forget the one thing that gave me a reason to thrive.
How did you do it so simple? Just vanish into thin air.
Teach me how you forgot about us please.
Continue reading...
Oct 2017 · 441
spell.
Crystal Oct 2017
spell.
It was like you loved seeing me in so much pain.
Like he had opened me up, took my lungs by taking my breath away.
It felt nice at first..... till it didn't.
Then you took my heart, or I gave it to you.
In hopes you would heal it, only to have you crush it.
Laughing at my pain, I saw the real you.
Why didn't I see it the first time you smiled?
I used to find comfort in that pretty smile of yours.
Now, I see where the devil lives. He is inside of you.
They warned me not to. But I couldn't help myself.
Your lips felt like home. Your touch made me no longer feel as if I was all alone. Your voice had me under some kind of spell.
I can't believe I didn't notice that you were slowly dragging me into hell.
I don't like this feeling anymore.
#sad #gone #hell #saveme
Continue reading...
Oct 2017 · 167
U.
Crystal Oct 2017
U.
I was weak.
But you knew that.
I was hoping you would take care of how vulnerable I was.
I guess I shouldn't have because instead all you did was take advantage.
Took all my love and left me.
I scream your name everyday.
I am still weak. But only when it comes to you.

One day everything will change.
hate you.
Continue reading...
Oct 2017 · 1.3k
Please.
Crystal Oct 2017
Please.
I pick up yet another drink.
To drown another memory of you.
But as soon as I do , another one seems to swim right back up.
So here I am, 5 bottles down.

Trying to forget you will be the death of me. Trying to let go felt like the end of me.
Who am I without you?
What have you done to me?Please undo it. Let me live without you.
Or let me die with out you.
Help me let you go pretty boy.... help....



-I wish I didn't miss you this much.
Why wont he love me like he loves her
#sad #saveme #please #bye #her
Continue reading...
Sep 2017 · 1.2k
I knew better
Crystal Sep 2017
I knew better
I knew better than to fall for you.
Yet here I am, at 1 AM.
Thinking about you, while you're thinking about her.
I knew you would hurt me.
I knew you would leave.
I knew you didn't plan on staying.
I knew a lot better than to love and care about you.
I always knew, we would be great together.
That the world would no longer be a place to hate, but a place I wanted to explore and enjoy with you.
I was perfectly fine before you showed up. Depressed and lonely, just how I liked to be.
I knew you would build me all the way up, make me feel like I was walking on air, only to push me down, and make me want nothing more than to be six feet under ground. Away from you and the rest of the ugly hearts in this cruel world.
I knew you would go back to her.
I knew she would make you fall all over again.
You said you wouldn't . Yet here you are, on my mind and I am once again writing endlessly about you.
I knew it would hurt.
I wish I knew enough, to not have done any of it.
I knew better.
she will be the end of you. As you were for me.
#him #love #sad #hurt #iknew #her #broken #saveme
Continue reading...
Sep 2017 · 436
Can't
Crystal Sep 2017
Can't
I can't leave him because he's already been gone.
Truth is, I don't even think he was ever really there.
The saddest part of this, I actually thought he was.
I fixed his broken heart, by giving him mine, and all he did was go back to the girl that had broken his, and now he  is giving her my heart, only so she could destroy it all over again.
I no longer see the good in him, and that's how it always should have been.
I can't wait till I get over him. It's going to be great, he will try to come back and I have to be strong and say " I can't take you back."

I can't be sad anymore.
I can't think of him anymore.
I can't let him be the complete end of me.
I can't let him go.
I can't stop loving him.
I can't stop thinking about him.
I can't keep doing this.
I can't stay strong.
I can't act like I'm fine.
I can't be happy all the time.
I can't be sad all the time.
I can't let the thought of him be the end of happy me.
I can't.....
love *****.
#broken #savemefromhim #fixme
Continue reading...
Sep 2017 · 265
You.
Crystal Sep 2017
You.
Physically I was attracted to you.
But now Mentally I'm attached to you.
I hate you.
#pleasemakeitgoaway
Continue reading...
Sep 2017 · 296
Sad.
Crystal Sep 2017
Sad.
You used to be the reason I smiled.
Now you're the reason I'm suicidal.
#ihateyou
Continue reading...
Sep 2017 · 196
Habit.
Crystal Sep 2017
Habit.
You told me you didn't like my bad drinking habit.
But then you gave me another reason to crave the numb feeling it gives me.
You hurt me.
#savemefromhim
Continue reading...

— The End —