I used to spend my Friday nights in a movie theater with you.
I used to spend my Saturdays in a park with you
or on the couch with you.
Since you have been gone I've been spending my Fridays drunk
at a house party until 3am.
I wake up in another's house on Saturday morning.
I often ask myself if I miss the taste of movie theater popcorn
or the crisp leaves on the ground on a Saturday morning with you.
Then I have to remind myself that the popcorn started to taste like regret
and the leaves on the ground were only just dead.
And I can't possibly miss you.

The last night i spent with you
I think we stood in the shower
for over an hour.
Now that you're gone
I stand in the shower and try
to trace your fingertips
on my skin for hours.
And my chest feels like
it's going to cave in
when I think about how
I don't know what length
your hair is anymore.
I start to wonder if i will ever
forget your birthday
just like I'm slowly forgetting
the color of your eyes
and the sound of your voice.

During the winter, I never would have thought you would be gone by the time the leaves grew back on the trees.
Today i walked to our favorite spot.
It was still so innocent, like us when we were there.
Brand new and untouched by each other.
That was over two years ago.
And i swear to god, I could have built a house right on top
of that bench we sat on, on that second date in the middle of the woods, and live there forever.

The worst thing I ever did to myself
was let a man control me.
I let him decide my worth
I always waited for his permission
I lived in fear everyday.
I let him threaten to leave me
I let him threaten to hit me
I let him take my life
as if it was his.
Nothing but a puppet on strings.
To this day I still feel fear when I
know I shouldn't.
He made everything feel wrong.
He made me feel like a prisoner.
I'm still trying to get used to being
my own person.
When I do things he didn't like
I have to remind myself that it's
okay. That he can't threaten me
anymore.
Like I think he's going to show up
and tell me how
stupid
i am.
tell me how
worthless
i am.
Tell me I'm nothing
but a burden to my parents
and everyone around me.
He would tell me all my friends hated me
He ruined me.
But ******* am I trying.

I didn't miss you right away.
After you left i was sad, yes,
but i knew i didn't miss you.
I was thinking positively about the future
and after how bad you ruined me
i thought there was no way i could miss you.
I was wrong.
About two weeks after you left
you never called
you never texted.
I think i expected one of them
and i clung to that,
so thats why i didn't miss you.
But now that i haven't heard from you
i know its real.
You're gone.
And **** do i miss you.
I miss your smell
I miss the way you would rub
my neck when
we were in the car.
And i hope you found someone
to reassure you about your insecurities,
because i know your OCD would always
get to you.
And when you left i asked you
who was going to tell you
your glasses weren't crooked after
you asked for the millionth time.
I told you that you wouldn't have anyone to
hold at 3am to keep you warm.
It's been 12 days since the last time you
held me.
I feel really lost right now because i miss you,
but i know time heals all wounds.
Hopefully one day when I'm driving
through a pretty town
while the sun goes down
i won't think of you.

How many times have you told
yourself you are a walking disaster?
I am starting to forget what your
eyes look like.
I am starting to forget the way
your voice sounds.
I am starting to forget the way
your hair felt in between
my fingers.
And the warmth that came off
your body at 3am
when you would hold me.
I wish i could say your ghost
doesn't keep me up at night,
considering how bad you broke me.
But i know its just me,
me being the disaster that i am
that i always will be.

He will leave you
when he's finished with you.
After he's done raging war
on your life.
He will be fine.
He will not know that
you sit in the shower
scrubbing all the places he touched
you
trying to wipe away his finger prints.
Until your skin can't take it anymore.
He will not know that every bruise
he left you
with every hit
every name that was called
is still healing
on the inside and out.
He will not know that you are picking
up all the pieces he left
and trying to put that back together.
He never cared for you.
He never will.

The first time they call you names,
Leave.
The first time they make you feel worthless,
Leave.
The first time they hit you,
Leave.
The first time they leave you,
Don't go back.
The first time they take your life away,
Leave.
The first time you feel like you would be
better off on your own, than with the
person you love,
Leave.

Have you ever walked on
broken glass before?
I'm sure most of you
would say no, but
do you really think
you haven't?
Have you ever gotten
out of bed with your
broken heart so heavy
it feels like its hanging out of
your chest?
Have you ever walked
around in public smiling
even though you know
your funeral was the day prior?
Have you ever drove
through the place you guys
used to love the most and
all you can see is ghosts?
This is walking on
broken glass.

you used to be my blue sky
on cloudy days.
now when i think of you
all i can imagine
is thunderstorms.
i dont understand
where we went so
******* wrong.
change is inevitable.
our ending was inevitable.
i know one day
i'll forget you
and you'll forget me.
i pray to god that you find
your blue sky,
just as i wish to
find mine.
and i'm sorry that
it couldn't be you.

You disappoint me
time after time again.
It doesn't bother me anymore.
I'm used to it.
Or maybe i wish i was used to it.
Maybe i should stop wishing
that you could be the person
I want.
Maybe one day you'll realize
the damage you have done.
But i don't think you ever will.
Cause time and time again
you never say sorry
when i tell people who you are
i say no he is not like that
he doesn't care what i feel
he doesn't care what hurts me.
He is nothing more than a child
stuck in a mans body.
Doesn't understand the effects of his words
and the earthquakes that he starts.
I am nothing more than a tiny
little house to you,
and you are the volcano
that sits right across from me.

what heartbreak it is to feel a storm in your chest everyday.
to feel like you don't belong in your own skin.
and i know one day we will all be happy
because that's what they tell us right?
but i swear to god it has been cloudy and raining everyday.
I've been praying for a sunny sky for days
weeks
months
years.
And i know
i should be happy.
But how does one find happiness
trapped
like a prisoner
in their own mind.

Let me tell you what it feels like
to have the one person you would
have done anything for destroy you.
He told me i wasn't special and that i
never would be.
Yes, we were together when
he said this.
And he didn't care.
He didn't care that i would
cry for hours over this.
He didn't care that even when
I, like an idiot, forgive him
I will still remember what he said.
And he didn't care that
I knew he would do it again.
Even when he apologized
and swore he would never hurt me
again.
He would.
And i knew it.

So i said to myself
"Yeah, lets pretend like we don't know eachother,
It's probably for the best anyway
Because when you talk to me
And grab at my shoulders the way
You use to, it all comes flooding back to me
Everything i pushed to the back of my mind
Hits me again like a tsunami
So i'll just turn my head
And walk away
Even though i can feel your eyes
On me.
Watching me.
Like you always used to."

I wanted to scream
at the top of my lungs
and tell you that if you're ever
looking for me
you know where to find me
and i'll always be here
waiting
but at this point i knew
i was just yelling
with lungs filled with water
and you would never hear me
but i will always be here
waiting

There's something about
the thin line
between dreams
and whats real that
drives us all crazy.
I swear to god
you were there
touching me
holding me.
Until i woke up.
and its been days
since i last saw you.
Your dreams
will **** you
faster than any disease.
The faint touch you
still feel on your
skin
when you wake up
in the morning
will **** you
faster than any
sickness.

why're we always the most
vulnerable at 5am?
when we wake up from a deep
sleep
in the dark of the morning
and everything hits you.
i remember when you left
my 5am's were always worse
than my 2pm's.
and my dreams would
haunt me back to sleep.

i wanted so badly to be saved
and i wanted you to be the
one to do it.
but it turns out
people are never the
antidotes.
you were never the cure.
it turns out
you were killing me
all along.

It feels like
there is a volcano
rupturing inside of me.
I can feel it in my chest
I feel it throughout
my veins
and if you ever see this,
look at it as if
it is a message
in a bottle at
the bottom of the sea
that reads
"come find me."

When is it ever okay
for something to be so wrong
but feel so right?
Have you ever stopped
to ask yourself if it was just you
if you were just crazy
But what if its just that gut feeling
or what if its the illness
the doctor diagnosed you
with when you were
fifteen.
Do you embrace it...
or let it go?

There were so many nights
I tried to paint the
Summer stars
On my ceiling
But it never worked
And instead i would lay
Saddened
I finally understood what
"Beating a dead horse"
Meant
When i begged you
To care
Over
And over
Again,
But you never did.

Let me tell you a little bit about drowning
and how what you think is your
savior floating device
ends up being the rocks that are tied
at your ankles.
and how they get carried away
by a hurricane they created
in spite of you.
and how you drown in that hurricane.
they don't know that when they leave you
you're never the same.

don't forget to remind them that
you have lightening running
through your bones and
that you're not easily shaken
like the thunderstorms in your
mind.
tell them that while you may
be four parts of a disaster
your house was built to stand
lungs not ready to collapse
and your heart was made to love
despite all the Hurricanes raging inside
of you.

I can't help but wonder if you
have dreams about me
standing in the sea with
rocks tied at my ankles.
You asking me for one more chance
telling me you didn't mean it
and you won't do it again
and all I say back is
"I'm sorry, I don't forgive broken promises"

I never understood what people meant when they said that someone else's arms were
their home,
until I was sitting in my own house
and felt completely homeless
because you weren't here
and you were never coming back.

I walked into a bookstore today
looking like a ghost finally
getting out of the shell it was stuck in.
hair a mess.
lips ****** from continuously biting.
eyes red and watery.
I knew people were looking and I knew they didn't understand.
"why does this girl look like she just got back from a war"
"was she just at a funeral or something"
yes.
yes.
I wanted to tell them I will always love him
but I will resent him forever.
The funeral of our broken memories
broken promises
broken hearts
was a few days ago
and I wanted to tell them that I wished I missed it just like they did.
I should've never gone.
Every where that brought strong vivid memories would forever be a graveyard.
My own ******* bed,
a graveyard.
he used to sleep here I would say.
But he left long ago and leaving absolutely no trace.
no trace of life
no trace of the beautiful love we had.
It takes a horrible person to make something
so beautiful and turn it into bitter dust.
He turned it into a graveyard.
and signed his headstone
"I'm sorry you weren't good enough"

the first time you left i remember i wanted to
preserve as much of you as i could.
i would wear your shirts to bed
and look at old pictures.
Now that you're gone again i cant wait for
the day all the cells in my body are replaced
so i can say i was never touched by you.
looking at pictures makes me sick
to think that i was so blind.
and if you hadn't taken all your clothes
home a week ago i would've burned
them by now
in hopes to get every trace of you
out of my sight.

I will never forgive you for the way
you tore my heart right out of my chest
and left me on the ground to die.
This is the art of giving someone everything
you possibly can and loving until
you had nothing
for someone to decide they didn't want you in
their life.
this is ******.
This is someone giving you an oxygen tank
to help you breathe
to take it away a year and a half later
and expect you to breathe on your own.
This is how you rebuild yourself because
you were my other half and since you left
I only feel like I am half.
this is what you did to me.
I will never forgive you.

I don't remember the last time
I heard your voice
or the last time you spoke so
nice and softly to me
like you used to.
I listen to old voicemails
just to hear that voice again.
I don't know what form of torture you
would call that,
but it's like putting a drop
of water in the desert
making it long for more
but we all know water doesn't
belong in the desert.
you don't belong here
with me anymore.

I don't know how much longer I can take
laying in this empty bed.
it's like there's a trace of someone
on the other side of me
but I know they left a long time ago.
it's like I feel the warmth coming off
their body but when I go to
get close to it
it disappears.
it's like I knew you used to lay here
before and I swear to god
I can still feel a trace of your ghost
laying right next to me
but I know you're not
and you never will.

I wanted to call in sick to work today
and tell them that i just couldn't do it.
and its not the sickness your mom can make you soup for
or the doctor tells you to rest and drink liquids.
It's the kind of sickness that makes you feel like
if you take one step out of bed the ground is going
to crumble beneath your feet.
It's the sickness that caused you not to eat for days
or weeks.
It's the sickness that makes everything in the world
feel like absolutely nothing.
The doctor can't fix you
Your mother cant fix you
No one can fix you.
Only you can do it.

You're going to love someone with everything you have one day.
You are going to love so hard that it almost kills you.
It's going to feel like you're dying.
And maybe you are.
Maybe thats what love is
Maybe love is taking every single inch out of yourself until you are left
with nothing just so that the person you love is okay.
Maybe we take all of our warmth and put it into someone else
until we are left frozen and alone.
But maybe that isn't love.
maybe love is putting warmth into each other so no one is left in the cold.
Maybe I've been doing it wrong this whole ******* time and its time
to ******* be warm again.

tell me about your favorite day in the whole
world.
tell me about your favorite soul in the whole
world.
tell me about the day your world fell, crushed, at your feet and how you made it through even when you were positive you were going to die.
tell me about your favorite thing on spring mornings.
tell me about how the crisp wind and autumn leaves make you feel after a hot summer.
tell me about your mom and dad.
did they show you kindness to no extent or did they shatter your dreams?
did it make you who you are today?
I don't just wanna know your name, I wanna know you.

Last March i went to the doctor
for a simple cold and when they
listened to my beating heart
they wanted to rush me to the hospital
because my heart rate was a lot higher than it
should've been.
I told them that it was fine
i would be fine.
what i didn't tell them was that
there was a volcano rupturing inside me
for the last 6 years, that know one
could control.
the doctors wouldn't be able to calm
this disaster inside me.

When was the last time you ever cared about anything?
When was the last time you wished you didn't care?
How many times have you have you laid on your bedroom floor,
shaking,
thinking over and over again
it'll all be worth it some day.
Cause they tell you to keep going even though
You feel like you're going to die.
So what's the point?
And it hurts.
it hurts so bad,
but we keep going.

lets sit together and ******* feel something.

I'm laying in my bed and
i swear to god
i can almost feel my skin burning
as i lay where you did last night.
no one else would be able to tell
you were here, but i know.
and i wish i didn't.

i couldn't wait for the day
you sat, sick, wondering why i wasn't answering.
wondering why i couldn't just care
as much as you care.
cause it makes you sick to think that the person you would do
anything for doesn't feel as deep.
doesn't feel as hard.
because your anxiety has its hooks
dug so far in you that you cant breathe sometimes.
i care more than the others. always.

it took you a total of
493 days to realize that
he is not going to chase
after you when
you run away.

every time i closed my eyes i saw myself running.
running through the trees, down the street, chasing.
who knows what i'm chasing.
Running down a dirt road laughing
as the lightening bugs light up the forest around me
its like breathing for the very first time.
its freeing.
i'm free.
i'm back home where i'm suppose to be.
but the midwest isn't home to much.
cornfields, forests, and dirt roads.
home is where the heart is
and my home is whenever i close my eyes
and i'm running and happy
i'm where i used to be.

how many times do you sit alone in your room whispering to yourself
"he doesn't love me"
over and over again
and when are you going to give up
and realize you've
been right all along.

People don't tell you sadness
weighs a thousand pounds.

it was 8:21 pm and i had checked
my phone for the 78th time.
even though i was the one to ignore you,
i was hoping you would still try.
this wasn't me.
i used to not be like this.
for the first time in a long time
i bought myself some ******* flowers,
poured a glass of wine, and made some cookies.
for myself.

it turns out that
the answers aren't
at the bottom of a
Svedka bottle.