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Finn Dec 2021
To lay in immense pain
Soul shattered like broken glass
Spirit in tatters
Knowing only of Despair
and Pain
and Love
Stuck in an endless agony
Waiting for the Earth
to welcome me back into her arms
and my rotting carcass to be absorbed into her
and the last piece of what I once was, forever lost
Saved by the circle of life
Finn Mar 2019
It was a dance, a game, that I didn't know.

Were we swirling and spinning and pressing close,

Making hushed praises and whispering promises?

Were we playing chess or cards or even checkers, in silent bemusement?

Perhaps we weren't singing or swaying or moving pieces upon boards, crying 'checkmate!' as soon as we were able

Maybe it was something completely different

Were there no musical tunes?

Pawns upon boards?

If that isn't what we're doing then...

How do we move forwards?

Will we be stuck here, butting heads, staring, longing for something more

Something indescribable

All our lives?
Finn Feb 2019
But After It All

Even After His Fall

He Still Could've Been Saved
2016
Finn Dec 2021
Is it wrong
to go through
day by day
and barely speak a word?

.
.
.
Everyone else is just
so loud.
I can't be heard anyway

I've learned
that I
almost like
being ignored.

Most people leave me alone.
Maybe I like it better this way.

Or did I just get good
at ignoring my loneliness?
Finn Mar 2019
I plan whole arguments

In my mind

(Fooling myself into believing I'm cautious and that it helps somehow)

But it never quite pans out the way I think it will

I argue and argue and argue but

Is any conclusion being reached?

Is any decision being made?

Sometimes these questions are answered and sometimes

Sometimes I argue just to argue

And usually technically I'm right but

I know what they mean

And I argue the opposite side

I justify myself saying that

If the other side doesn't have a representative than why are we talking of it?

Everyone needs a representative and I just happen to be adaptable

So I'm justified

In yet another argument

Right?
Finn Feb 2019
Here We Go Around The Truth (X3)

Each And Every Day

This Is The Way We Lie To Ourselves (X3)

Can Someone Please Delay

This Is The Way We Hate Ourselves (X3)

Much To Our Dismay
2016
Finn Feb 2019
Twist Around The Truth

A Life Full Of Lies

Have You Ever Told

A Single Truth

In Your Entire Life?
2016
Finn Dec 2021
The only indication that I was ever even alive

A stain of black blood

Left abandoned

on the forest floor
Finn Jul 2022
When the screaming ends
the flesh seared away by the blinding white light
many eyes opening wide in colors yet unseen
eyelids peeling back and shriveling
cursed to forever look and see everything
burning hot metal sloughing the charred remains of flesh and bone
teeth acidily dripping from the writhing form
and as the ashen wings sprout
and all noise ceases
you pick up a feather
hearing the chorus and choir
and wonder if this is the epitome
of beauty
boi is back again but this time I've got a new prescription and a doctor's encouragement to take a psych test woo
anyway, eldritch angel thoughts again. them Biblically accurate angel pictures just....stick with ya huh
Finn Apr 2020
I'm better, I tell myself
I don't cut
I've never attempted suicide
I've learnt my symptoms
I've learned how to lessen them
I know what makes me spiral downwards
I can get out of bed in the morning
I know how to work around this mentality

But sometimes I get worried
That maybe I'm fooling myself
I can feel itches under my skin
Where the marks used to be
I thought I'd be happy to see the scars fade

But sometimes I look down and see them in the mind's eye
See the blood
Feel the sick exhilaration as I think to myself
'I finally feel something!'
But I shake my head
And the thoughts are gone
No blood
Faint scars
I'm not gone
Finn Mar 2019
Even as stories tell

Tales of cold, icy blue eyes

Looking on as our hero

Fails

And the eyes speak of

No mercy

No emotion

Just coldness

Unfeeling

They're the villains

Their eyes unsettling

But,

So far

Every pair of

Blue eyes

That I've met

Were warm

And kind

And loving

Even if they were

A bit

Icy
Finn Feb 2019
It's so

Bright

That

That sun.

It hurts.

But it's there

And it's trying

And you can't

Make it leave

You could

Wait it out

Maybe,

Maybe not.

You could stay indoors

But it's just so bright

Everything

People give off the brightness

Life does

Death does

The shadows are comforting

They're not bright

Or as sterile

Or harsh

It's so loud

As the light can be

It's dark

Warm

Comforting

Quiet

But

One cannot

Stay in the dark forever

For

Light helps us to see

In the dark, we are easily lost

Maybe too much of

A good thing

Isn't so good?

But

It's always there for you.

If you need it.

Sometimes the light is just

Too much

And we need

A break
Finn Apr 2020
Sometimes
When I drag myself out of my room
Usually around noon
I sit at the table
And look out the big window
And see the ducks, chickens and crows
Watch the cats and squirrels and possums
Sometimes we'll see bunnies or raccoons or a fox
Once there was a doe out there
And two different dogs have gotten away from their owners and into our yard
Sometimes I'll see family members

I always check
If my step fathers car is there
And my mother
Who does not have a driver's license
I will seek her out in the house
She doesn't like to speak
And I don't agree with her ideals
But I look and make sure she's here

I worry that she'll get in the car one day
And drive off
My older brothers said it happened to them
She packed them in the car and left
Without a word
My older brother said to watch out for the signs
And if she ever took us to stall her trip as much as possible
Call him or my older sister
And they'd pick us up and take us home

Somehow, my thoughts always spiral
And I want to blame my brother
For sowing this fear inside of my mind
But I am comforted
By the fact that my mother and I disagree
Because as much as it hurts
I don't believe that if she ever left
That she would take me
Finn Dec 2021
It hurts my spirit
and soul
Being chained to this
Earthly body
Trapped in this
Plane of being
When my spirit is made of
white hot flame
&
imploding stars
Finn Feb 2019
You're so

Confusing

You're

Not

Really

....

I have a question

Why are you trying so hard to be

To be what you're not

'Cause

I've never seen such a

saturated

blue before

Before you

You're trying so hard to be a

cold

unfeeling

undisturbed

blue

And frankly

I don't think you're telling the truth

That blue that paints your words

No

That blue that stains your words

It's too strong

It's too heavy

It leaves a sour taste and a dry feeling in your mouth

I've never met such a blue before

Almost every single person I've met is a warm color

I suppose that's for a reason

Cause the warmth shows that you're alive

That you feel

But your color

Is not one of warmth

It is falsely blue

And fake cold

And though I may sound insane

Even to you who has made a place in my heart

I know it's true

You

are

lying

to

me

Our friendship is built on these lies

Are you really who you say

Or are you truly a stranger I've yet to meet

Is this friendship really real

Or are you stringing me along

I've never really had a

friend

such as this

This song and dance we seem to play

I can see when you lie

Your words stain into the saturated blue

And I can no longer know

Anything about you

Anymore

But

Tell me this

Are you really my friend

Are you really that sickening blue

Or is this all pretend

Make-believe

Like children who don't understand this world

But if you're going to answer

With another lie

I'd rather that

You don't answer

At all

And maybe we'll move on

And forget about this

But even so, I will be stuck seeing that

blue

Stain your lips and mind

Your soul and words

Until you finally are stained all over in that blue

Until you become but a blur of that color

That fake

That sickening

That heavy

That sour

Color

And I hope that one day

You stop being what you're not

And accept your true color

'Cause

I can guarantee

It will feel much better

Than living this lie

That you've

Created

For

Yourself

But even so

I will still be here

With you

No matter which color you choose

Because you're my friend

And I care

Which is why I'm telling you that

Your color is fake

And I bet your actual real color

Is so beautiful

That I'd wonder

Why you'd hide it

In the first place
Finn May 2019
I didn't tell you this
but sometimes
we,
as humans,
we...
we sometimes get confused.
We might not know what we're feeling and
mistake it
for
something else.

We might believe something that
may not be true.
We might become
delusional
and
would rather believe a
lie
than face the
truth.
I... am one of those humans.

I thought what I felt was
love,
only because I didn't want to face the truth.
That was not love,
that was fear.

But.. I know now.
And isn't that
What really matters?
Finn Mar 2019
Crowns of gold and jewels of silver

Your soul cannot be delivered.
Take 2
Finn Mar 2019
Crowns of gold and jewels of silver

You cannot be delivered from the sins within your soul.
Finn Feb 2019
CURIOUS

Huh cur

I

Ous

Curious

That word

Curious

Is in itself

Curious.

Strange

Wouldnt you say?

Curious.

It brings images of cats

Of Alice

You know

Of Alice in Wonderland?

Curious

Images of British folk in glasses

Canes

Sherlock

Curious

Such a word

Is so

I don't have

The words

Curious

I'm saying the word

Repeating it

Alone

In this room

Curious

Are you curious?

Are you curious of what

What has possessed me

To speak in such a way?

It's truly

Curious

I

I could not tell you the reason

But it's

Curious

I love

Hate

Love

Curious

What is

Happening to

Me?

It's all just

So

Curious

I can't

I can't resist

Are these human

Urges?

Must we

Know the unknown?

Curiosity

Is powerful.

Curious

I can't stop repeating this word

This word

Curious

I cannot






Cannot

...

I don't know.

What can't I?

Can I not

Understand?

I suppose

Not

Curious

Curious

Curious curious curious curious curious curious curious--

Curious!

It feels as if

Curiosity

Is a name we gave

They gave

Humanity gave

To something we cannot control

This completely

Human

Feeling

Curious

Curious

Is such a beautiful name

Am I

Am I crazy

...

...

...

?

...

...

...

...curious...

It fills my mind

It repeats

Until

I am

No longer

Curious

Of anything

Anymore

How

Curious

Is that?
Curious
Finn Mar 2019
You know most who

Dream as much as I do

Would be marked as

"Delusional"

But I haven't yet

So I suppose that's good
Finn Dec 2021
Is it insanity
to both despise spirituality
and yet fall into dreams of vastness and Gods?

To have cried
and screamed
and thrown the crucifix from my hands
Only to find myself thrown awake
In the middle of the night
still feeling the thick
sticky
blood on my hands?

To have loved science
and knowledge
and fact
But have a Bible given to me from a loved one
that I keep in a drawer
like it's a shameful secret?

To having always felt uncomfortable at church,
but still feeling my skin tingle
like it's going to catch itself on fire?

To believe that God has abandoned us,
or that he never truly existed,
only to carve lines down my throat
with blunt nails
driven to madness
By a spiraling sky
and incomprehensible nightmares?

Is it a mockery
a sin, even
to have been raised by a saintly woman
and still end up
like this?

Is it cruel
to be raised by her
and have her torn from the world
before I would need her the most
and still have to live
knowing I didn't see her last moments
but instead
having her haunt my dreams
with her death?

It must be divine punishment
For past lives
and Future sins
for Fates' strings
and destiny's grip
or everything I've ever done wrong
and more so everything I've done right
Finn Feb 2019
Sometimes I forget

I forget who I am

And where I'm from

In pursuit of a fantasy

A dream

Of adventures

Of love

Of something I'm not

Some higher purpose

Becoming a prophecy

A legend

Worlds of people

Of places

Of things that do not exist

In the world that I reside

I dream of this when I'm asleep

I dream of this when I'm awake

I dream

Which means that these stories are not real

These worlds do not exist

Anywhere else

But my mind

These words we speak

Never leave anyone's lips

And then I wake up

And see that

Maybe I don't really have a prophecy

A legend

A true calling

But

The world that I reside in

Lets you make your own story

There may not be magic

Or dragons

Or wizards

But the magic here

Is one of a different sort

It's seeing those you love smile

A baby being born

Things of that sort

And the wizards here

Could be anyone

All it takes

Is a bit of

Something

And you could draw a smile

From even those at their worst

And it's so

Beautiful

So I do

Spend most of my time

Dreaming

But sometimes I have to wake myself up and

Smell the roses and

Remind myself that I

Have a story here too

Maybe not a huge one

But I still do

And I should remember that

Those other stories are amazing

But they're not real

And I have a real story

Just waiting for me to

Live it

And that's

Really what

Matters

Isn't it
Dream
Finn Mar 2019
Empathetic

Able to fit any mold

I'm told that that's not a good thing

Too empathetic

Just seeing someone in pain will put me in pain

These poems are long

Really long

Because I pour out my heart

And can switch topics in the middle

Without realizing

It's like a diary

That I share

But diaries aren't meant to be shared

Diaries keep secrets

Not to be told

Or for anyone to know

But maybe that's wrong with me

I trust too much too easily

It hurts, sometimes

I write how I would speak it

It's caused odd poems and repeated words

Most definitely repeated words

But its it's okay

It's okay because it's my style

It's my words that

I get to express

Which makes it okay

Right?
Finn Mar 2019
Everything has a place and every place has a thing, even if the thing isn't in its place and even if the place doesn't hold its thing.
Finn Mar 2019
Hear no speak no see no evil
Finn Mar 2019
Eyes of stone and heart of gold

You're but a child that the world has sold
Finn Apr 2020
"******" is a word that my family uses
An insult and a swear
"******" is said without a single care
And I let my hurt go unsaid
It's not like you'll ever listen
To a single world I've ever said
Finn Mar 2019
No

This is a farce

An act

Charade

Masquerade

This is fake

A lie

A desperate lie

What are you trying so hard to hide?
Finn Dec 2021
A dream where my mother's blood was spilled
Only for I to be drawn forth
by horrifying angels
Asking only to take their hand
But be drawn back into the darkness
Into a comforting embrace
Telling me to only come back to this place
After I've chosen

But to no longer have counsel in this world
And having no knowledge of my options
or the consequences that may befall me
From a mistake
such as this
Is a cruel choice to have to make

Could this be
a Second chance?
Or maybe
an opportunity
to fall further from grace
Finn Apr 2020
Yes, I'm queer
And in my house, I'm a joke too
Too short
Too lazy
And "gay"
Not like my sisters
Who are called "******" and "*****"
Not like my older brother, who did drugs
Not like my younger brother
Whom nobody wants to be around
Too "annoying" and "stupid" and "young"

Not like my mother
Who swears her witchcraft true
Not like my stepfather
Who works too hard and too long to lose
Not like my father
Who is "stupid" and "obnoxious"
So, I suppose, between all of us there's nothing to loose.

My sisters, who fall in love too fast
My older brother, who falls too hard
My younger brother, just lonely
And my family who wishes they were someone new
My mother, an alcoholic, who swears her ghosts true
My stepfather, so sure he knows what's right
My father, in rehab, whom I hope is trying with all his might
And me, not even a girl
Can you believe us
A patchwork quilt
Finn Feb 2019
I hear them

The others

My age and

I just don't

Understand

I just don't understand it

The lingo

The music

The attitude

The emotions

I try

I really do

I swear

But I just don't

Connect

They're laughing

And they

Cry together

They love company

But I don't

Get it

They're not afraid

They're shining brightly

And I'm

Not

But maybe I am

I just shine different

Where they glow

I fail

But it seems

They make up the color in the world

At least

They do in mine

They may act...

Stupid

I will not

Deny that fact but

They're my family

I'm always going to forgive them

Even if they're loud

And don't really understand

And so

So optimistic

I love them

I have to admit

I'm jealous

Jealous of what they have

And I know

That they're envious of me sometimes too

But the difference

Between them and I

Is that they're trying

Trying hard

And I

Have not put in

As much effort into the

Same things

So when I say

To "ask them"

Even if I sound condescending

I care

And you cant

You won't

Insult them as I do because

They're my family

I'm allowed to

You're not

They know I love them

But do you?

Do you really love them as I do?

Because I can guarantee

You have not seen them

At their best

Nor at their worst

As I have

They're my younger siblings

Not Yours

And even if I don't express it

I love them to bits

So back off

*****
Finn Feb 2019
Clouded With Lies,

But The Truth Is Clear.

Open Your Eyes,

Then You'll See You've Become What You Feared.
2016
Finn Apr 2020
I creep around my house
Unusually quiet as people yell
I don't want to get involved
I let my words go unsaid
But it's too late
I've been seen, again

They don't hit me
But the words sting worse
"Whose side are you on?!"
What else do I have to lose?
I walk by, silent as a phantom
All of the fighters clamoring in tandem
I don't care for sides
And that's when I spot him

My poor little brother
Caught up in their spat
But too emotionally invested
To walk off like that
He looks between the parents
On opposite sides of the table
Tries to soothe and calm
As our sisters scramble
He sits in the middle
Wincing, in tears
Another fight lost
Nobody wins here
Finn Feb 2019
Forget Your Memories

To Earn His Trust

If This Plan Doesn't Work

We'll Both Get Hurt

Please Just Forget Them All
2016
Finn Apr 2019
The golden flowers bloomed
Miniature suns casting
Light against this backdrop of
Green surrounding them.
Finn Feb 2019
I'm here

Here

Laying in this

Bed

Unable to get

Up and out

Of it

No

There is nothing wrong

With me

Not physically

But I would

Rather lay here

And cry

Then get up

And face everything

Do you

Understand

Or am I

Just a

Madman?

My chest feels

Heavy

Empty

Hurt

And I have

No idea why

My poems

Don't even seem

Like poems

Just thoughts

Turned to words

Spaced oddly

Oddly enough to

Call it a

Poem

Does any of it

Even matter?

I am

Afraid

But I've been here

Like this

Before

But last time

This hurt

This pain turned

Into numbness

Apathy

And this pain

Means I'm alive

I'm here

I'm fighting

Even if it

Doesn't look it

The pain means I'm alive

The pain means that I can

Mend

Become whole again

So does it make me

A sick person

Or even a

******* if

I say that I

Wake up

Every morning

Looking for this

For this pain

Just to reassure myself that

I am alive

I am human

I'm still trying

I'm still here

That I am no longer numb

And pain

Means progress

So I lay here

Feel this pain

Shed some tears

And force myself

Up

Up and out of this bed

To begin the day

Even if it is

The afternoon already

I get up

Pull on some clothes

And greet the day

Saying

"I haven't given up yet"

And that this

*****

That's weighing me down

Will not get its way

No sir

Not today
Finn Dec 2021
And
I know
Despite my grief
My time is not yet up
And so I turn from the many eyes
And return to a body
With aching joins
and crying eyes
Finn Feb 2019
I let myself go



I let my



Body



Be used



Be abused



Hurt me

He hurt me


In the



Best possible way


Or

Maybe

Just maybe

The worst

But

I wouldn't know

The difference between

Pain

And

Pleasure.

They are not so different

You know what I mean

Or maybe

You don't.

But

If that's

The case

Then

You will soon

You'll know what it feels like

When the pain

And the pleasure

Swirl and mix

Until

They are interchangeable

And

Unidentifiable

And so

So

Good
#go
Finn Mar 2019
I can see a word

Or phrase

And conjure up hundreds of stories

Images

And yet

I can't find the words

To place these same images

Into other's heads
Finn Dec 2021
It's almost time
Soon, I'll cross the line
And become an adult.
I'll finally be independent.
.
.
.
It should feel freeing.
I feel terrified.
I already have plans.
It shouldn't be so scary.
But,
I can't help to think,
That this is cruel.

I've already spent
Most of my childhood
being "independent".
It should be time to collect my dues
and finally be able to
really
truly
depend on someone else
Finn May 2019
Under a vice of justice you soar

But what if

There's something more

Than just what

You're looking for

?
Vice=Corruption
Finn Apr 2020
I'm not a girl
You can't make me be her
I'm not
I swear
Just listen for once
But according to "god"
I do not exist
Not in this form
This shape
These eyes or these lips
My hands are "feminine"
My chest has *******
My feet are small
And these are what makes me a her
According to them

My hips too wide
Missing the right genitalia
"There are only two genders
Lawn mower and dishwasher"
I'm sick of your jokes
"And I'm an Apache helicopter
That's my gender, it's true
I'm a helicopter, and you're a man too"
I see the way you look at me
Obviously expecting a reaction
I go to my room
And lock myself in
Finn Apr 2020
I don't know how to deal with loss
People and animals die and I make a poorly timed joke
Based on something they'd done during life
I'd awkwardly laugh
And feel a weight settle in my chest
I don't cry
I don't sob
Is it wrong to act like this?

I just kind of move on
Or try to anyway
I do feel bad, I swear
My family shoot me ***** looks
And I hide again
Finn Apr 2019
They're all so loud and immersed and everything is flashing and swirling

I'm being pulled from side to side

I know I'll fall to my knees but they won't notice they will continue

Like the ****** of a storm

Chaotically and unyieldingly bending and twisting over itself around me

And I am caught in the middle silently suffering.

They wouldn't hear if I screamed.

I know because I've already tried.
Finn Apr 2019
Hide who you are

Hide all your scars

Pretend you're okay

Welcome to the masquerade
Finn Dec 2021
Feeling the body split itself apart at the seams
and dissipate into single atoms
like tiny pixels on a screen

Only to come back to it
Having been in the middle of a task
But caught between surreal reality
and the phantom sensation of turning to sand
Someone asks a question
I smile
self-patronizing
"Sorry
I forgot what I was doing."
Finn Feb 2019
I Had Something

No Good It Would Bring

But Death And Madness And One True Thing

All Because It Entailed

Itself To Me
Something... 2016
Finn Mar 2019
Deep inside of my bones I feel

I feel the need to

Be hurt

Broken

And abused

Even though I know that

I don't deserve that

Nobody deserves that

And yet I'd still take the beating

For anyone else

If not to spare them from the pain

Then it'd be to feel the pain for myself

But sometimes

I can feel it

In my hands and on my tongue

The compulsion to hurt

To destroy someone

To see them crumble

So that I can watch them

Build themselves up again

And come back

And give me the pain I'm due

And yet

I can't bring myself to harm anybody

But myself

And recently

I haven't been able to do that either

I'm scared of myself

For all these thoughts

And aches

And deep desires

But at least

I can find comfort in the fact that

These are but sick fantasies

That will not play out in reality

Ever

I keep my mouth shut

And hands to myself

And I can only

Keep thinking these thoughts

And wonder

What it would be like to

Perform them

Like a show

An act

A performance

Tears would stream down my face

But I would smile

And that'd be the key detail

To my pain
Isn't it funny how we, as humans can create so much but also have the ability to completely destroy?
Finn May 2019
I generally see two kinds of passionate people.
There are so many ways to be passionate,
But
I think that these two are the most passionate that you can be.

There's fire
Flames
Red hot passion that burns and scorches and changes everything in its path
It's nearly inescapable
Volcanoes,
Red hot molten lava,
Earth quakes,
Wildfires...
It's burning and it's warm and sometimes
It's nice and cozy
And you know that you'll get burned
And yet
You come back anyway,
Burning brighter and more passionately than the last time
Like a phoenix
But every fire burns out eventually

And then there's water
Cold
Stormy
The dark sea and it's creatures
It's being on the boat in the middle of a storm
Watching as the waves crash and the salty wind blows
Fighting to stay on top of the water
For if you fell in
The cold angry waves would swallow you whole
It's tsunamis and hurricanes
Waves tossing and turning
Clear and cold
Or it could be boiling
Leaving marks on your skin
Blisters, much like fire would
But the difference is
That you're under the water
Inhaling cold liquid
And you're drowning
And hoping to whatever God may be out there
That you do not become
One of the creatures of the deep
Finn Mar 2019
One percent

In a sea of percents

Still means something
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