Are you curious?

Do you want to break my mind apart

Piece by piece

And scramble it

Reassemble it

Repiece it

And put it back together

Piece by piece

Into what you think

Is my mind

And effectively

Ruining it

Yet again?

I have this

Problem

Where I want to experience

Everything.

But

Not in the way you

Think I mean

I want to feel the pain

To be abused

Drugged

Hurt

By myself

Or by others

Just to know

To truly know

What those people going through that

Feel

But I also

Want to be loved

Cared for

Happy

But I also want to be torn to pieces

Hurt

Demolished

Just scraps of a former self

And I'll have a choice

To give up or

To try again

And have to piece myself back together

Piece by piece

Or maybe even

Start anew

I want to be killed

Betrayed

Left for dead

But also

Saved

Reborn

And found.

Maybe I'm just

Crazy.

It all depends

Whether it's a malicious sort of fake

Or one done to protect the self and others

Or to hide

Because you'll always sense ill intent

Before shields of protection

I love talking

But I also hate it

So much communication

And contradiction

You could make someone's day

Their life

Or you could destroy

Tear down

Watch as they suffer

Mock their tears

Watch as they walk towards their death

As they take their own life

But

You could also build them up

Give them the motivation to go on

To continue

But some words

Some phrases we get attach to

Almost as if they scar

Or brand the skin of our bodies

And we see them every aching moment of our lives

Words could change a person

For better or for worse

Words from others or even words from yourself

I love-hate words

Speaking

Writing

You could hurt or help so many

And so many are squandering this act of expression

To make it so others cannot express what they're meant to

I'm not talking about any specific politics

Or anything of that nature

Just

Words.

They're over-underused

Under-overused

So much said but so little actually mean something.

Its said to pour out

And you can't stop

But also get stuck in your throat

And leave you mute and hurt

I suppose it depends

On the words you are

And the words you say

And that's all out of my hands

As someone who makes

Simple observations

And writes this down in this

Blessed

Accursed

Language of ours

We spin and swirl,

Dance and twirl,

And yet

Though beautiful and enchanting it may be

We are just puppets

On strings

As you make your way back

Back to that place

That place that you've sworn that you'd never return to

Shaking shuddering vibrancy
A blink and I'm gone
Past the twisting fracturing light
Stretched and bent around gravity
The twisting halls that are pulled out into eternity
And instead found in Aether

Galaxies and stars searing my fingertips
Dark inky waters surrounding me
Skin sliding off, muscles turning to dust
Revealing my core
A bright
Spiraling
Supernova
Burning and revolving with rings of ice,
like Saturn
But much like how stars burst in their passion
And time itself will trickle the last grain of sand in its hourglass
A ticking timebomb in my soul
An explosion of firecrackers waiting for me,
at my end
The heat death of every universe living in my mind
and sprouting from my skin
Even Gods are forgotten
But as I reach like Icarus once did
setting myself aflame on white dwarves and red stars
And I
finally
feel
Alive

When I dream
I can slip from this body down
into the seas
of the Abyss
and remember drowning
without water
and Seeing the only beings
to ever want me
in this place
Offering
Connection
and
Explanation

and having to turn them down
As my flesh and blood
has duties
to yet still live

For my dreams
and nightmares
I'm left standing
at an edge of something
incredibly important.

But it leaves me to wonder
whether I need a doctor
or a witch

I'm not a woman
I can see you stare
"You were born in that body
You were born to have long hair"
Was I though?
I don't think I was
If it were that way
Maybe I wouldn't want to die as much

"Say what you want to say
You're ******* me off"
I tried to
But you told me "no"
There is no room in your heaven
For me, who is trans
"You're going to hell"
You can shut your mouth
You didn't even believe in God
Until this month

Now you think you're some saint
And you've picked up a bible once
Skimmed through the pages
And sipped the wine symbolizing blood
Ate the bread symbolic of flesh
Well you've skipped the verses
Didn't read the psalms
Or genesis

I did
I've read enough of the book
To refute the ******* you've just said
I used to be a believer
And I still might be, I'm not sure
But it's people like you
Who make sure churches turn cold and dark
Who make this book I used to adore
Just blank parchment smeared with ink
Who took my faith and shredded it
In your kitchen sink

I say I'm a nonbeliever
Only because
If I told you that I believed in my own God up above
You'd use it as leverage
Tear wounds in my soul
Make me too weary
To ever go on
You'd ask how I can believe, being queer and trans
Living in the wrong body
Living as a man

But let me tell you this
You slimy ******
My faith is MINE
Not something you twist up to offer
I don't have to give you the time of day
And I usually don't
But your *** has got it backwards
I'm in control
Not you, not your stupid ideals
Just me, quietly, thinking to myself