Constantly awaiting for my brain to stop being my worst enemy
Always at war against the thoughts that try defeating me
And when my mental illness rears its head it's so disheartening
Because I've been trying so hard to let go of that part of me
However 15 years of struggling doesn't go away that easily
Trying to find meaningful connections is impossible without purposely ruining things
When the consistent mantra my brain keeps telling me
That when it comes to love, you will never be worthy

Some people are afraid of flying
out of fear of falling from the sky
but I've been falling for so long
with no end in sight
so you see,
when I'm soaring above the clouds
I dream of the plane falling down
because at least I know
I'll finally hit solid ground

I'm not sure who I am
or where I'm going
what choices to make
which direction to go
just floating in space.
always alone.
when I do open up
about how I feel inside
"I'm always here for you"
yet they're nowhere in sight
no one checks in
to see how I am
temporary caring
permanent hurting
I feel unwell
fragile, broken
where do I turn
who do I tell
how do I
get help?

and do I even want it?

Each morning I practice my smile in the mirror
above the bathroom sink
Does this look real enough,
is my happiness convincing?
And this hollow, vacant shell
where a human should be
does it look alive?
like a normal functioning body?
And when you look into my eyes
"the windows of the soul"
do they sparkle, shine brightly?
can you tell that they are empty?

There is only so much of yourself that you can give away
until there is nothing left
And I was giving you parts of me
that I never even had.

And it's not that I don't love you
It's just that it hurts
It's just that everything hurts

How the **** do I stop hurting?

I wake up every morning
Force myself out of bed
Maybe shower, brush my teeth
Maybe force myself to eat
Keep myself alive

But truth is I don't want to be
I pray for death daily
And I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
You had to meet me.

The idea of death doesn't scare me
The idea of my death hurting those I love does
and if I'm being honest that doesn't seem like enough
and if I'm being honest, how could it ever be?

When depression is your best friend you tend to listen to its every word
It becomes your closest confidante, the single one thing to rely on.
On days my depression leaves me, I feel lost.
but I'm comforted in the fact that it's only momentarily
because unlike others, depression will always come back.
We've built up a trust like that.

So when my depression whispers in my ear
that everyone will be fine without me, eventually
I have no choice but to listen
you see, why would depression lie to me?

When it comes to the idea of life and taking my own
and in enters the cacophony of voices saying
"think of those that love you"
What they don't realize is, I do.
Depression loves me the most.

and I know, in the end
it will open up its arms
swallow me whole
and say to me,

welcome home.

Sometimes when I'm feeling a little too good
I'll think of you
to remind myself I deserve nothing more
than to be broken and alone

And don't you worry
You've planted enough seeds of doubt
to where I'll always be missing you,
and hating myself.

I've talked to the doctors
I'm taking the pills
Medication, meditation
but it all seems to fail

I'm shackled down
by the weight of my misery
and what other steps
can I take to be free
except to find
the tallest building

and leap.

How does it feel
to wake up each morning
happy to be alive

to have a sense of direction,
a purpose in your life.

How does it feel
to be loved by someone
truly, completely

to not be caged by anxiety,
able to live freely.

Please tell me how it feels
to belong,
to fit in

to feel beautiful
comfortable in your own skin.

How does it feel
to feel
anything
except for sad
and alone

I would love to know.

My brain can't form coherent thoughts
my head is a jumbled mess
I can't sleep. I can't think.
I'm not as fine as I said I'd be.
Turns out I'm not so strong
I'm fragile. Incredibly weak.
My mind constantly betrays me
even with my eyes shut.
I'm not okay.
You ****** me up.

I'm constantly telling myself I'm over it
but I'm starting to think that's untrue
because thoughts of you creep in
no matter what I do
I try to drown them out
but every word of every song
brings me back to you
and against my will I catch myself
gladly singing along.
When the thoughts of you persist
I'll pick up a new book
but somehow find your name
in every word, sentence and phrase
Yet I keep reading
keep turning the page.
I try to shut you out and shut my eyes
yet you find your way in every dream
and instead of waking up
I eagerly go back to sleep.

I keep hoping you'll try to reach out
and I know I sound naive
but I can't accept the fact
that you could just abandon me.
How could someone do that,
hurt someone so deeply
leaving them broken-hearted
and walk away like it was easy?
I can't be the only one hurting
you can't just move on with your life
leaving me behind
as if I meant nothing. (Did I?)
I can't be the only one miserable
the only one that can't sleep at night
There's no way you could be happy
There's no way. Right?
How can you walk all over me
and leave me shattered on the floor
there has to be an explanation
there has to be something more
I have to be on your mind
Thoughts of me in your head
because you can't guiltlessly
just leave me for dead. (Can you?)
How can you whisper false promises
then completely break my heart
to promptly act like I don't exist
simply press restart
This can't have been just one big lie
You have to be broken too.
You have to.
Are you?

I don't want to talk
I don't want to think
I don't want to feel this pain
I'd rather stay asleep
But unfortunately for me
I can't ever escape you
not while I'm awake
and not while I dream.
You said you saw me for me
and you'd fight by my side
conquer the darkness within
and the demons in my mind
You said that in the end
it'd be you and me
so I didn't even expect
that you would suddenly leave.
There's a constant loop
that's playing in my head
"You are unworthy of love
You will never be enough"
I try to block it out
but it just won't shut up.
You took off with my heart
and I can't get it back
I don't deserve to be loved.
You taught me that.

Most people don't know just how crippling loneliness can be
It can creep up so suddenly,
clenching its jaws so tightly,
you can't breathe.
     I can't breathe.
Oh, you think you're free?
You think you can escape so easily?
The darkness, it follows you,
swallows you.
Sure, one might argue
"But you've got great friends,
and a man that loves you..."
While all that is true,
it taunts me,
haunts me,
deep down to the bone.
I'm all alone
     I'm alone.

I don't miss you anymore*.
I've finally moved on
but it sneaks up on me sometimes
when I hear certain songs
and I get to thinking
of what we were,
all we had,
what we could have been,
all of our plans.
And I can't help but choke back the tears,
as I habitually sing along.
But I don't miss you anymore.
Yeah, I've finally moved on...

It's only when I'm left alone
in the middle of the night
staring in the dark
I think of you
and it breaks
my heart.

Just when I think I'm doing fine
living my life without you
you show up in my dreams
and I have to suppress my every urge
to drive to your house,
knock on your door
and fall to your feet.
Just when I think I'm strong
every song I hear screams your name
and I realize I'm so weak. I'm weak.
So I'm sitting here resorting to writing poems
about how much I miss you
while you're sitting less than a mile away
doing God knows what
(Oh how I wish I knew).
This is all so new to me
and I don't know what to do
because every time before this
you were always the one to leave,
not me.

I can't wrap my head around why you're still with me
after I so badly ****** up
and I can't wrap my head around why
I would do such a terrible thing
to someone I so desperately love.
It terrifies me knowing I've been so confused
does that mean I don't love you
as much as I know I do?

I tend to try to wreck things when I get scared
It's always been this way
And up until now everyone
immediately headed for the hills
So I can't wrap my head around
why you chose to stay.

I've been in love with you
for so long
that I've lost track
so why does it surprise you
that I'm going to feel incomplete
until you love me back?

I constantly act stronger than I really am
I'm a big girl, I can handle it
It's fine, I'm fine I always claim
When behind closed doors
I break down
Every time I think of your name.

And you think we can just be friends
After everything we've been through
Like it's that simple
To just stop loving you...

My bed feels too big
knowing you'll never share it with me again
and my heart is breaking
knowing that I'm losing my best friend
but I've wasted all the love I have
on someone who will never love me back
I've wasted over a year
trying to get you to love me
only to be left staring at my bed
and thinking how it looks so empty.

Every second that passes where you don't love me back is killing me
and I've been starting at the hands of the clock
just begging that they'll stop

Nobody ever writes how physically painful heart break is
Stomach clenched, lungs gasping for air
Chest caving in

They write that "love is patient, love is kind"
Then how come I'm in love
and feel like I want to die?

The secret's out
and now you know how I feel
thanks to an alcohol-induced break down

and hearing you say
that you don't love me back
was the most excruciating sound.

I just want someone to see all the potential that I don't see in myself
Believes that I'm so much more than what I really am
Someone who'd be proud to show me off
Not be embarrassed to hold my hand.

Someone to love all the flaws that I've grown to hate
to love my imperfections and make up for all that I lack
Not someone who only loves me secretly, under the covers.
Is that too much to ask?

Or do I not deserve that?

I finally figured out why you don't want me.
You don't think I'm good enough for you
You've got me starting to really believe it.
I never thought a guy could do that to my mental health.

And I've been too busy wondering why we're not together
that I haven't had the time to notice
that being in love with you
is making me hate myself.

That crushing realization
That no matter what you do
Or how hard you try
You'll never mean as much to them
As they do to you.

You know how hard it is
for me to tell people how I feel
so when I told you I was feeling low
and especially alone
I was half hoping you'd hop in your car
and drive as fast as you could to get here.

But the doorbell never rang.

*You never came.

You made me a rose today
Out of the aluminum foil
From your burrito at Qdoba..
And that was the first time
A guy has ever given me a flower.

I hate that I can still smell you
On my sheets long after you leave
Because when I fall asleep at night,
(Alone, like always)
It's your scent I breathe.
It's a constant reminder that I'm lonely
And that you don't love me
(you only love to **** me)

No strings attached...
But what about the ones attached to my heart
And wrapped around your finger?
Just one pull and I crumble
Just one flick of the wrist
And I come undone.
No strings attached,
Isn't it great?
Yeah, until you move your hand.

And my heart breaks.

For someone who prides themselves on always being honest,
                          I am really such a liar

And for someone who likes to act all cold hearted and tough,
                            I'm a lover not a fighter

And when I say "I don't care, I don't care, I don't care"
                          It's because I care too much

And when I seem level headed, collected, and calm,
                            My insides are really mush

So when I inevitably get **** faced and text you:

                                        "I love you"

Or,

               "I  hate you"

Or,

                         "I hate you because I love you"

Please let me down easily

Because for someone who constantly claims you mean next to nothing to her,
                                           I am really such a liar.

I'm not the kind of girl guys want to date.
I don't know how to do my hair
make-up, or nails.
I don't even know
how to dress myself
most of the time.
I'm awkward.
Unsexy.
Crazy.

I don't know how to dance
but I know how to throw a football.
I don't know how to cook
but I can make a basket
from the free throw line.

I'd rather go camping
than stay at a resort

I'm always
"one of the guys"
and never
the girl
guys wants to date.

I always think guys are too good for me.
That they are all out of my league.
That I deserve less than the best
The hand-me-downs.
I shop for guys in
the 99 cent bin
at Goodwill.

I always think that I'm never good enough.
Guys would never want me
I'm no ******* model
My stomach's not flat
and most of the times
I'm unsure how to act
like a normal girl.


But I like to think
that if anything,
I've got a good heart
that's gotta be worth something,
right?

You've got me writing cliche love poems
and listening to Taylor Swift songs
You've got me sleeping as much as possible
just for the chance to see you in my dreams
You've got me spending all day miserable
because I can't be where you are
You've got me finding any excuse to text you
or doing anything to make you smile
You've got me going completely crazy
acting like those kinds of girls I laugh at.
You've got me
But I don't have you.

No matter the distance
or the setbacks,
the sticky situation
and the bad rep,
we were meant to be,
me and you
music to my ears
you're all I wanna see
let's meet in the middle
start a life together
you and me.

I had a dream last night
that you were madly,
hopelessly,
in love with me.
And not the other way around.

You hopped in your car,
drove the 1,767 miles
from where you are
to my front door
just to see me.

But I knew
something was amiss
because you would
never leave her,
the mother of
your daughter.
I don't think
I'd want you to.


So no.
I don't have you,
and you don't love me
but I have dreams

Every single detail of my day
I want to share with you
-like a movie I watched
that left me feeling sad
or an excerpt in a book
that made me smile
(and think of yours)
but I can't.
Because I'm not allowed to feel the way that I do
and I can't be just friends like you want me to
and I can not sit back and watch you love her
and I can NOT love you.
But I do.

Stupid heart
It's like you have a radar
for finding guys
you can never have
and choosing them
to fall in love with.

Stupid brain
For thinking that maybe
just this once
you should ignore your instincts
and go for it anyway

Stupid girl
for already knowing the outcome
but still being heart broken by it.

You're all so ******* stupid.
(And thanks to you,
I'm in pieces.)