I fell in love with Las Vegas
I fell in love in Las Vegas

But both the city and he
will never, and can never
love me..

All the unavailable men come out to play
when their significant others are away

But every night
I go to sleep alone
and they return
to their homes
with their girlfriends,
fiances and wives.

Then I do this stupid thing
yeah, I fall for them-
these men
with girlfriends
fiances and wives

I make them choose
(hoping they'd choose me)
and I always lose to
their girlfriend
fiances and wives.

And I'm still alone
and I'll never win
I really ought to stop
getting involved
with unavailable men.

I'm slowly unraveling
leaving bits and pieces of me
everywhere that I go
and I'm trying to back track
to pick myself  up
but each time I try
the pieces disintegrate.

If only I can find a way
to get back my heart
which I left in your bed
(which I'm sure by now
you've kicked to the floor)
I could possibly
stitch myself up
But when I look into your eyes
and see only indifference
I realized, to my dismay
that I'll never get it back.
So I'll live out my life
waiting,
for the rest of me to decay.

Every time I see you on campus
(which is every ******* day now)
I get absolutely frantic
I'm filled with sheer terror
and I start to panic.
My thoughts dart all around
my heart freezes up
all my organs forget how to function
and I fix my eyes to the ground
to be sure not to make accidental eye contact

and I'm a fool
because you walk right on by
more than likely unaffected
from what I can see
while I'm contemplating
moving to a different country.
some force of nature
clearly ******* hates me.

I love the feeling
when you're not TOO drunk
but jsut drunk enough
where everything feels like a movie
and you're laughing hysterically
at things that shouldn't be that funny
and you're in a car
that's driving too fast
and your life isn't yours
(thank "god")
so you can breathe for once
and sigh in relief
and just let go.

But it seems like
substances are the only thing
that can make me happy these days
I wonder what that's all about
and what will happen
tomorrow morning
when I have to wake up?
I hope that I don't have to find out.

I've polished off my secret stash of pills
I've drank all of the alcohol in the house
Now all I have left
is to actually feel.

****.

Something happened
that night
when you kissed me
in the bed that
you share with your wife.

Something wrong
and forbidden
but almost forgotten
as it's been years
since I've gotten butterflies.

But I quickly grabbed
the sharpest knife
sliced open my chest
and grounded each of
those little ******* to ash.

And I left their remains
right there
on the pillow
in the bed that
you share with your wife.

I haven't been writing lately
and I was curious as to why
turns out I haven't been feeling
a single thing

Numb as numb can be
and I can't decide if I prefer
this nothingness
or if I'd rather still be sad.

and I can't figure out
if I'm happy to be alive
or if I'd rather close my eyes
and  never wake up

You can ask me when I'm dead.

I can't forgive myself.
I can't even like myself.

I can't look in the mirror
without wanting to shatter my reflection
into a million pieces
and use the broken glass
to draw a thick line
straight down my wrist

Not enough to die
(well, maybe.)
Just enough to feel alive.

And everyone says I need to give myself a break.
But I can't
because I'm the one human being
that I just can't seem to love.
(and nobody else can seem to, either)

Last night I drank a bottle of wine
broke down and cried
about everything
that's not going right
in my life.

Worst of all is how alone I feel
every waking moment
every breath
every second I'm alive.

8 days into the new year and I have already broken my resolution.

After 4 shots and 3 whiskey and cokes
God only knows what all went down.
I wake up in a daze
pick my clothes up off the floor
and curse myself out loud.

The car ride home lasted a life time.
I closed my eyes hoping that it wasn't real
that when I opened them again I'd be in my bed
alone.

Turned the shower on as hot as it gets
tried to burn off the shame
tried to scrub off the guilt
but no matter how scalding the water was,
nothing could wash away the pain.

Spent hours in my bed
not moving
because if I moved
it would mean I exist
and I don't want to.
Not anymore.

Nothing has ever made me
hate myself more.
8 days into the new year and I have already broken my resolution.

*8 days into the new year and I have already broken.

Something always brings my mind back to you.
And I'm unsure if it's to torture myself
or because I have nobody else to think about.

Or maybe it's because you were the first person
(I thought) that I loved.
But I was young(er) and (more) naive.
Although I am still those things
I'm old enough to know
all the people you want to stay
are always going to find reasons to leave.

It's been 3 years since we talked
and I'm finding it hard to remember
every little thing about you
that I once had memorized.

Like the sound of your voice
the feel of your skin
the scent of your clothes
or your taste on my lips.

I  have tried to erase every part of you.

The one thing I do remember though,
is giving you my heart
and watching you hold it in your hands-
not even glancing at it
as you dropped it and walked away,
never looking back.

And I still think about you?
What the **** is up with that?

Everything around me
reminds me how lonely
I really am

tv shows,
restaurants,
long car rides

and my empty bed.

I spent the first hours of the new year
laying on the floor of a guest bedroom,
drunk,
listening to you tell her how much you love her
closing my eyes
and wishing it was me.

My jealousy will always get the best of me.

I am so
completely
*******
irrelevant
and it's
bringing me down

and I know
I know that's
how you feel
because that's what
you tell everyone
when I'm not around.

Some days
I want to open my window
and throw my phone
as far as I can
and never talk to
any of those *******
ever again.



(Not like they'd notice the difference anyway.)

Sometimes at night
when I'm laying in bed
my mind won't shut off
and I get this weird feeling
                                             it's almost as if I'm sinking.

I close my eyes so tight
to try to shake this feeling
but my brain is playing reels
of film that are looping
in all the worst parts.

Then when I fall asleep
I have these dreams
where everyone just leaves me
and I try to shout out to them
but I wake up, my throat sore
almost as if I'd been screaming.

So I spend the next few hours
staring up at the ceiling
and I have this weird feeling
in my chest, in my stomach
and the only way I can
even try to describe it is-
                                         it's almost as if I'm sinking.

If anyone were to ask me,
for some reason,
when was the last time
I was touched by someone
who loves me.
The answer would be simple.

                                      Never.

But if they were to ask
perhaps,
when was the last time
I was touched by someone
with nothing but empty,
primal lust
I would sadly have to admit
                                    
                      ­                 Last week.

Even stranger,
if they were to ask,
when was the last time
that I was left
feeling worthless
and incapable of normalcy.
There would be no answer
because it's
                                       Constant.



But they won't ask.
So I'll tell them anyway.

You're cute
and you know it
tempting
and alluring
under my skin
but I won't give in.
You're no good
no, not for the real me
I'm really not sure
who I was trying to be
just to ease this pain.
But ***
with you-
basically a stranger,
no, that won't do.
You say "friends with benefits".
More like- "benefits"
because we're not friends.
You talk so *****
that I have to scrub myself clean
because that's just not who I am
nor will it ever be.
So, I'm changing my mind.
You'd get what you want
and I'd still be alone
tell me,
what's the benefit in that?

Forgive me for wanting to be loved,
and not just ******.

I want to write a love poem
one tender and sweet
one that would make anyone swoon
But in order to write a love poem
I'd have to be in love
We would have to meet.

I want to write a happy poem.
one that would make you smile
one about the beauty in this world
the birds, the sky, the clouds
but I would have to be happy
I would have to know how.

I need some inspiration
Yeah, I need a new muse.
(I'm taking applications)
I need a healthy obsession
something else to write about
other than this darkness, this depression.

So another night of watching netflix in bed,
another night spent alone.
and I'm not happy
and I'm not in love.
So just another night
writing another sad poem.

Turn myself to stone
to further avoid these feelings
turn my heart cold
to prepare for what's to come
scrape out my insides
make me emptier than I already am
I'm just a hollowed out tool
use me.

I'm selling myself short
giving myself away for free
loneliness knows no price
and if nobody can like me for my thoughts
my personality, my heart
at least they like my body
and how I let them
use me.

It's when all the lights turn off that the demons come out
I'm not talking about the ones under your bed
or the ones in your closet
but the ones lurking in the back of your mind.
All the thoughts you never knew you had
all the insecurities held deep within
come creeping behind you and tap you on your shoulder.
Don't turn around.

It's the quietest hour of the night that's the loudest of all.
All the mistakes you have made
and all the bad habits you thought you could break
scream at you so loud that your eyes sting
begging you to come back to them once again.
Don't turn around.

Face forward.
Inhale. Exhale.
Walk- with one foot in front of the other
Walk right past broken dreams,
words you regret saying- or not saying,
failures, underestimations and doubts
walk right past the people holding you back
the insults, fears, and let downs.
And, most importantly.
Don't turn around.

Karma's a real *****
and I sure am getting mine
but she should just cut me a break
because I think we're about tied
I know I've hurt others
so now others have to hurt me
what goes around comes around
but I think this circle is complete
I'm sure she's had some fun at my expense
Yeah, torturing me must be so much fun
but please, I surrender, just help me out
I'd really like to finally meet "the one".
Karma, I am willing to change my ways
if only you will change yours too.
because the last thing my heart needs
is another bruise.

I was 12
when my older brother told me
that my teeth looked like
those of a rabid dog
That was the first time
I really took a look in the mirror
and felt ugly.

I was 13
when I first dragged a blade
across my skin
trying to drain the ugliness
straight from my veins.
That was the first time
that I felt in control.

I was 14
when a friend told my teacher what she saw
and I came home to my parents
sitting in the living room waiting
for me to show them.
That was the first time
that I felt betrayed.

I was 15
when I was forced to see a therapist
who stared at me with knowing eyes
waiting for me to spill
something other than my own blood.
That was the first time
that I realized how easy it is to lie.

I was 16
when I wanted to end my life
I said a few goodbyes
to some people at school
and nobody tried to stop me.
That was the first time
that I felt helpless.

I was 18
when a friend killed himself
making me realize what I didn't
have the guts to do
was the best thing I've never done.
That was the first time
I realized I wanted to live.

Now I'm 20
finally having the courage to write
what I've been waiting to for years.
No longer ashamed of my past
because it's made me who I am.
This is the first time
that I felt brave.

At times I think way too much and when I need to, I don't think at all
I wish there was an in between so I could stop thinking myself into this depression  that digs me deep into the ground where I can see the worms, I am one of the worms,
and the dirt is so tight around me that I can't even move, I can't even squirm.
When I try to speak, it all falls in into my mouth and all that comes out are chokes and gasps for air that is not there but miles above my head where the grass grows green.
I can't make my way up so maybe if I keep going down I'll come out on the other side of this earth where I can be in a foreign place and start new without this hurt.
The magma in the center will burn me to ash but I'll find my way to the surface with a different kind of mass
and I'll be in every plant
and I'll be in every tree
and every time you take a breath, I'll be in the air you breathe.
My soul will go on forever because it's all you'll feel and it's all you'll see
and I'll never be forgotten because you'll all be me.