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 Jul 2017 Kristie Townsend
Madzq
.....before you hurt someone else
With the sharpness of. Anger.
Wash your hands clean of
The past we were given
So that you may hold present day,
Not stained by the rust
Of a saddened heart.

My brother, you are my best friend.
You know my dark is the same as yours.
We carry the memories of
A tainted childhood.
My brother..... Let go.

Some things are better not said
We cannot change them now.
Nothing they could ever say
Could take IT away.

If it's validation, here this,
"My brother, we've survived!"
Look at you. So strong,
And this life made you this way...
Not broken, not ruined, unafraid.

This weight that you carry
Must be. So. Very. Heavy.

My brother,
Let go.
Abuse is not cool, but neither is bitterness. Forgive, forgive.... and free yourself.
 Jul 2017 Kristie Townsend
Camila
I lived (unconsciously) to die.
Reckless behavior, bending the rules.
I wanted to **** the butterflies he had given me,
drown them in ***** and whisky.
I tried riding in cars with unknown boys to fill the deep void.
I lost count of the beds I  woke up in,
I lost count of the nights I cried myself to sleep
I hated the loneliness in the morning after having someone next to me.

Live fast and die young.
Excess was not enough.
I wanted everything faster, higher, stronger.
More music, more "friends", more shots, more kisses
More....
               More...
                             More..
I didn´t realize I was slipping through my own hands.
Less time,  less life, less love, less of me.
Less...
           Less...
                      Less...
I kept pushing the buttons of whatever god that was keeping me safe
and I let my demons become the owners of who I usted to be.

I thought I was living the life,
but I was already dead inside.
MJML
Inspired by one of my best friends who went through depression, with the help of her family and us, her friends, she finally made it and is now sober and truly happy or at least getting there.
 Jul 2017 Kristie Townsend
Camila
It's been two months since he died,
I don't think about him everyday,
he comes back in flashes and I can almost hear him laugh,
and it gets hard to hold the tears but I do anyway,
I stop, close my eyes, take a deep breath and continue with my life.

It's not just missing him that hurts,
I think what keeps me sane is that the last thing I told him was
"'Congratulations! I'm so proud of you and I love you, see you in July"
But what makes me mad is that right now is July, and that promise fell through.
There's this logic part of me that knows it was not my fault,
that reminds me he was sick,
that he was trying his best, that he was taking his pills,
until one day he took them all.
There's this other part that keeps wondering what if?
What if I had called him randomly?
What if instead of July it had been May?
What if I had asked again how he was doing?
And what hurts the most I think, is that I'm a doctor, just like he was; I deal with life and death and pain, and I couldn't cure the pain he was feeling inside.
And I don't know if he knows that he took a part of all of us,
that killing himself killed us too.
But even when I hold back the tears because he is gone, I cant hold back the smile because he was part of my life,
and I guess that would've made him happy.
RNGS
I never thought I would have to deal with the pain of having one of my best friends commit suicide. Life took us all through different ways, made us all live in different cities, but even with distance between us we always knew how much we loved each other. There was never in my mind any doubt that he was going to be there for me no matter what, as I would've been always there for him. Depression is a mental disease, and he was trying really hard. He used to say " I dont know why I feel sad, I have an amazing life, I got nothing to be sad about" and I cant even imagine having to deal with those kind of demons inside.
If a frame is worth a thousand words,
And still by all accounts,
A thousand words is all it takes
To make a second count.

Except a picture doesn't move
until there's twenty four
So for every thousand words too few
I'll write a thousand more

At least that's what I'd like to say
That I have two billion words.
That's eighteen years turned into frames
To heal a world of hurt

And it's not that I'm not willing
But rather, I'm not able
So I'll use freeze frame magic
To tell this hero's fable.

To reiterate; twenty four frames per second
Creates the illusion of motion
That's twenty four thousand words per second
To recreate this fluid notion.

And illusion isn't a word I like.
It implies he isn't real.
But the movement inspired in all alike
Has a kinesthetic feel,
And acts as a concrete testament to his existence.

His grin was always worn a little bit off kilter
As if it couldn't hold all of the joy it filtered,
And was tipping into the surrounding space
A contagious smile that slowly spread across his love ones' faces.

His eyes glowed without compare, immersed in umber flame.
The questioned who you were and asked you without shame,
"How can I help?"
They burnt away the paper mache masks we so often wear,
Mantles and guises with incendiary tears
Would fall to the ground, replaced by genuine care
And glimmering hope.

His eyebrows. I could talk for hours and still not touch the length of those majestic caterpillars. And no, there's no poetry here. They're eyebrows. Just looking at them, at him, you knew he would make you laugh.

And he did. He carried a profound simplicity for his youth,
And understanding hidden unkempt and uncouth
Behind messy tufts of shaggy hair
Aloof behavior, suggesting "I don't care"
When really, that's all he did.

He walked with a loose sensibility and a tenacious
Comprehension for life that many of us still grasp at tentatively.
He loved to live.
He lived to love.

If only life were so simple as kissing the pain away.
Which brings me to what I'd like to say today.

Sometimes, actions aren't enough to take away the pain.
Sometimes words cannot will the past to live again.
Sometimes what we feel seems wrong
And what we know is wrong feels right
Sometimes we don't have the answers
And sometimes that's alright.

Our hero lived a wondrous life,
And left so much love behind
His legend isn't simply his
But his and yours and mine,

A legacy lived on through us
And countless stories told
Frozen movie frames
We'll remember 'til we're old.

Snapshot stories played on repeat
Forever in our minds
To make up for the things not done
And words we'll never find.

I'd like to close on the last few words
I spoke to my dear friend.
"I won't say goodbye for now,
but *'til we meet again."
I wanted to genuinely write a thousand words for you.
And while I was writing, I realized something.
I'd want to write a thousand more.
And a thousand more.
And a thousand more.

And I don't think that feeling will ever go away.

So instead, I'm going to trust that you'll live on in all of us.

To my dearest brother.

1998-2017.

As always, keep writing.
 Jul 2017 Kristie Townsend
R M
I try not to worry
her
So much that sometimes
I answer
I’m fine
before
Hello
when she calls
because I know to her
I’m still more bone than
skin
I’m an empty bottle of
pills
One breath away from non
existence
A blood stain she scrubbed
with her tears
I’ve already worried years
off of her life
while trying to end
my own
So when she phones to
to check on me
I’ll always be fine
no matter what is
going on in my life
and sometimes before
Hello
 Jul 2017 Kristie Townsend
Seema
She lived with her dark side
Only to believe, that one day
The light would reach her
To show her the right way

Committed with naive sins
She thought of giving up all
Same as everyday
She would let herself fall

Addicted to some new drugs
That filled her lungs with smoke
She coughed and repented
Then she started to choke

Heaven, it is, in the world of smoke
Hell is no where near, to be seen
She was losing herself in the mist
Awaiting death, to cleanse her sin

Failure was her try, to get back on her feet
As she sat there wailing her heart out
Deafness and silence seemed to grasp
But no one responded to her grieving shout

She pledged to bring a change
That would make her feel free again
         In the hope that the mist would disappear  
And relieve her from her miserable pain...


©sim
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