I just get so tired of all the lies
And the regret
Tired of all the tears that I've wept
Tired of being me but not being me all at the same time
Tired of feeling like I'm empty inside
Tired of being tired even though nothing changes overnight
It's been 18 years and I'm starting to lose this fight
So how can I get back to the times where it all made sense
And I'm no longer depressed or feel like I'm in somebody's else's head
How do I tell my parents that I live with this illness and although they can't see it
It's been apart of me for a while
How do I tell them that I'm ready to die at any given moment
And I've already written my letters goodbye over and over
Trying to get it just right?

And how do I tell my friends that I love them when I can't love myself
That they make me happy
But bring so much guilt
How do I tell them how I feel when I don't even know what this feeling is
I'm just TIRED all of the time
And when I'm not I think of why I shouldn't be happy
And why the worlds so ****** up
Or how things just aren't meant to be perfect
Just a little damaged but I'm completely ****** up
With no hope
And I don't know how to crawl out of this deep hole
I can't break the chains
Or move the hand from my mouth
I'm just stuck here like this
And it's been like that for a while

Thirteen roses in a row
Red rain falls,
Don't you know
Down the window
Pain it goes
In the gutters
Through the nose
Where's the thunder
When it flows...?

(Chorus)
Wrapped around
The gauze that's stained
What difference snow?
The same as pain
When it melts
It's just rain.

Withered flowers.
Falling leaves.
It's a howling in the eaves
It's the cult the
Maimed believe
No one cares.
No one grieves.
Cover up.
Long jeans & sleeves.

Razors are a water slide
On track like
A carny ride
Over arms & over thighs
Release all
The pain inside

(Chorus)

It's an ocean
Where we sail
A coin that can be
Heads or tails
A lover's letter,
Or junk mail
A piece of garbage.
Holy grail.

(Chorus)


SøułSurvivør
(C) 7/23/2017

I hate myself
It's not a surprise
Most teens are
Insecure
Depressed
Filled with anxiety
Ready to jump.

I remember being 8
I've always thought that one day I would just get smaller
But I got bigger
And my circle of bullies got bigger
And my friends smaller
My sobs louder
And my laughs nonexistent

Here comes middle school
And the kids are even crueler
I wished and prayed that this fat would just go away
And I could have friends again
I lost more
And I gained some again
I got bullied for everything
And I hung my head in shame
I didn't speak
I wished that they couldn't see me
That I was invisible
Out of sight
Free

Third but not last
High school
My not so old friend
I sliced my skin more than once
Cried a lot
Discovered pieces of myself
And lost some pieces too
Loved some
But hated most
Wished that it would be better
But it was all a lie
I didn't go to prom
I barely graduated
I was glad when I left
That I would never have to come back

I learned what my mental illnesses are
And the voices in my head aren't real
But I can't stop them from saying these terrible things
I'm stuck in my own mind
How does that even happen?
Well it did
And now I can't tell the difference between me and trash
Because we're so alike
Nobody wants us but ourselves.

Not like we'd let anyone in anyways
We're too broken to love someone else
Too ashamed to tell our secrets and how much we've failed
Too scared of letting go
Of the things that make me us safe.
We're fried in the head
Loopy
Too much to manage.
Crazy
But they don't know how crazy in the head we really are.

Love galore
It was all being given to you and none to me
Showered in abuse instead of love
Embraced on the cheek with a fist instead of a kiss
Looked at with disgust instead of admiration
Told that I'll never be able to leave but you can't wait until I'm dead
I'm the one loving you when no one else is
The only one treasuring you when no one does
Still in love with you because i know you won't make it alone
But here I am, loving you
When you don't love me
Stuck in this 'love galore'

I hope you can deal with my grumpiness in the morning
My snoring through the night
Sometimes I even talk in my sleep
I'll want you to cook all the time and cuddle me too
I hope you're warm and smell good
Please be able to take a joke
I love to laugh
Love me with all you have
Kiss me like it's the last time you ever will
Look past my eyes and into my soul
See me for my heart and not the body it's attached to
Love me for me and I'll do the same for you
My future husband, I love you.