I hate myself
It's not a surprise
Most teens are
Insecure
Depressed
Filled with anxiety
Ready to jump.

I remember being 8
I've always thought that one day I would just get smaller
But I got bigger
And my circle of bullies got bigger
And my friends smaller
My sobs louder
And my laughs nonexistent

Here comes middle school
And the kids are even crueler
I wished and prayed that this fat would just go away
And I could have friends again
I lost more
And I gained some again
I got bullied for everything
And I hung my head in shame
I didn't speak
I wished that they couldn't see me
That I was invisible
Out of sight
Free

Third but not last
High school
My not so old friend
I sliced my skin more than once
Cried a lot
Discovered pieces of myself
And lost some pieces too
Loved some
But hated most
Wished that it would be better
But it was all a lie
I didn't go to prom
I barely graduated
I was glad when I left
That I would never have to come back

I learned what my mental illnesses are
And the voices in my head aren't real
But I can't stop them from saying these terrible things
I'm stuck in my own mind
How does that even happen?
Well it did
And now I can't tell the difference between me and trash
Because we're so alike
Nobody wants us but ourselves.

Not like we'd let anyone in anyways
We're too broken to love someone else
Too ashamed to tell our secrets and how much we've failed
Too scared of letting go
Of the things that make me us safe.
We're fried in the head
Loopy
Too much to manage.
Crazy
But they don't know how crazy in the head we really are.

Love galore
It was all being given to you and none to me
Showered in abuse instead of love
Embraced on the cheek with a fist instead of a kiss
Looked at with disgust instead of admiration
Told that I'll never be able to leave but you can't wait until I'm dead
I'm the one loving you when no one else is
The only one treasuring you when no one does
Still in love with you because i know you won't make it alone
But here I am, loving you
When you don't love me
Stuck in this 'love galore'

I hope you can deal with my grumpiness in the morning
My snoring through the night
Sometimes I even talk in my sleep
I'll want you to cook all the time and cuddle me too
I hope you're warm and smell good
Please be able to take a joke
I love to laugh
Love me with all you have
Kiss me like it's the last time you ever will
Look past my eyes and into my soul
See me for my heart and not the body it's attached to
Love me for me and I'll do the same for you
My future husband, I love you.

do i not have the right to be outraged
to see that my people have once again been dehumanized
throw down on the grounds, beat up, killed
as if this is an everyday thing?
#blacklivesmatter until i die, because i know deep down that this world won't change and we'll still be holding up this sign a hundred years later
#handsupdontshoot might still be there too
you say have positive thinking but how can i when im too worried about my nephew being the next bLaCk kid shot down for having a toy gun?
because he's bLaCk
not white
because he lives in the hood
and not the suburbs
he has food stamps
not cash
tootie fruities
not fruit loops
he takes the bus
too broke to afford a car
yes, he works
but at mcdonalds
it's not good enough for them but they put us where we are
so how can you complain
when you're the cause of it all?
RIP
#MikeBrown
#TrayvonMartin
#PhilandoCastile
#TamirRice
#D­eJuanGuillory
#JordanEdwards
#EricGarner
#SandraBland
#DontreHami­lton
#QuaniceHayes
#FreddieGray
#EzellFord
#AkaiGurley
And to so many more.

all of these people say they really need me
but they're never around
all of these people say they love me
but weren't there from the get go
things get too hard and i'm the one that needs love
everybody's like casper
a ghost
and i just think it's funny how
i'll sit at this computer all day
looking for messages that never came
concern that never come around
a simple 'are you okay' never even crossed the screen
so how should i feel?
should i be the stupid one for staying around?
for pretending to act like im still happy in this friendship?
that what they say warms my heart?
or is it the ****** up voice in my head
and the insecure thoughts in there too
let's add a sprinkle of anxiety
that'll help me too
help me decide
just what to do
how to fix
my broken life

the current flows rapidly down my cheeks
and my eyes puffy like balloons
my face quivering, the sobs erupting from my mouth
my knees weak
my heart shattered
i tell myself i shouldn't cry
that i'll be okay
but how do i know that?
how do i know that this hurt is going to stop?
what if it never stops?
is it like a toothache?
the pain comes and goes, only getting stronger and stronger until you have to get it taken out?
what if i can't remove this pain like i can my tooth?
what if this ache in my heart won't heal and the crack will never mend?
who am i to know what my heart wants?
maybe it's tired of my reckless decisions and has decided that it doesn't want to be healed
maybe it will stay this way and prepare for the next wave of pain to come just like that toothache
but...
what happens when the pain is finally too much?
can i die from a broken heart?
how will i prepare for another love?
how do i know that this is the one?
how do i know that he loves me?
how do i know when it's finally going to end?
how...