Katinka

Katinka Oct 2018

You are like a shooting star
so beautiful, it makes you happy
yet so illusional it makes you mad.

You could possibly make me happier
happier than anybody else
but at the same time you make me angry
you make me mad, you make me go insane

becaue even tho´ I know the words you say are true
I don´t want to hear them
because it scares me how good you know me
how well you understand me

believe me when I say you are special
the way you think
you talk
you act

And you will always hold a special place in my heart
the problem with you is that you know me
but you don´t know yourself
or maybe you do
but then you are lying to yourself

you created yourself a different reality
but you will never accept that
because even tho´you are good in nearly everything
accepting the truth is not your strength

I know you will also never accept your beauty
but let me tell you
you got the most beautiful eyes I´ve ever seen
the most kindful hands I ever touched
and the loveliest mind I could find.

I hope you find happines in yourself.

I really like yogurt.

love freinds like cry alone poem depressed true honesty

Katinka Oct 2018

Hurting

I don´t think you understand
understand how important you are to me
You say it doesn´t matter
it´t not that important

but it is.

Because I feel like we are drifting apart
like I don´t even know you anymore
we used to be so close
like yin and yang
you were the better part of me

in my darkest times you were there
you would show me the light to fight for
you were the light to fight for
you are.

I am scared
Because that feels like it is in the past
I miss you.

I miss the nights we talked about the world
and the ones we didn´t talk at all
because it wasn´t necessary
because we didn´t need words

I miss your laugh
and how we danced to our favorite songs
in our home
in calella
just everywhere

Because thats how we are
we didn´t care what the world would think
because we didn´t need them
we had us

I miss the way you made me smile
the way we couldn´t stop laughing
or crying

I miss you here
because without you it´s so empty
I hope you miss me too.

Please come back.

friends love alone lonely hurt sad scared

#this #is #for #the #person #that #i #love #to #moon

Katinka Oct 2018

ANGER

I am angry
at myself for nor trying
trying everything I never did
because I was to scared
I am angry
because I gave up
and let myself down
I am angry
thinking about how blind I was

but I am also anrgy at world
for telling me how to live
for showing me a hollywood life that was unreal
for making be believe in TV love

I am angry at my father
for leaving
for making me feel unloved
for not being there when I needed him

I am angry at my mom
for being so protective
for not letting me make my own mistakes to learn from
for thinking I wouldn´t be strong enough for this world

I am angry at my friends
for loving them till it hurts
for leaving for college
for every time I called and they weren´t there
for making me feel like the odd one

I am angry with you
yes you for reading this and not knowing me
for reading this and possible judging me
for not letting it all out

I am angry
at that is okay.

because at one point we just have to let out all the hate
so we can let in the love
so I will write it all down
all of my feelings
the good ones the bad ones
the ones I don´t want to talk about
so I can let them out,
and find new feeling in myself
and eventually find myself

#angry #feelings #emotion #honesty

Katinka Oct 2018

Why I don´t write books

I like books
the way the pull me out of reality and into the story
the way you can truly feel what the character is feeling
the way you can decide how you imagine the atmosphere

Once I tried writing a book
I mean I love to write
and I guess I always will
but I never finshed the book
I just couldn´t decide for an ending

I guess it´s the same in reality
I have problems making decisions
I like to think of every possible outcome
just to run away before it ends

maybe I am to scared to see the end
because I want it to continue forever
and now I am asking myself
am I still talking about my never ending book
or my life

I guess I´ll never find out
because in the end
I will run
and run
away from the end
and into the past
repeating my mistakes.

#books #me #life #ending #scared #mistake

Katinka Oct 2018

Loving

Do I love too quick I asked myself
as his lips pressed onto mine

Do I love him I asked myself
while losing myself in his eyes

Do I deserve his love I asked myself
after he left and I was alone again

Does he even love me I asked myself
when I wake up at night, laying in his arms

Do I even know what love is I asked myself
once I noticed I thought about him

Do I just need someone I asked myself
the moment I realised my mind drifted of to the past

Do I want to be loved I asked myself
until I noticed that I already knew the answer.

#love #questions #mind #poetry #inlove

Katinka Sep 2018

The day I saw you again

Today you will let go of him
I told myself
but it´s nothing you can decide

You can´t just stop feeling
You can´t just stop thinking

I thought I would never be able to let you go
I thought your sent would have staint me forever

But it was till the moment I saw you again
first it broke my heart how you smiled so easily without me
how you acted like nothing ever happend
but then I understood
You wear my key to happiness
but in fact the key opened an illusion

I became someone I wasn´t just for you to like me
you never fell in love with me
you fell in love with what I became
which was nothing but your sidekick
boosting your ego and showing me off

so now I understood why you never cared
and never will
because you fell in love with being loved
but you didn´t thought it was necessary to show love back

You took away my voice
but the day I saw you again I got it back
because I could finally tell myself that I would have been worth it
and that I am not the reason you walked away
because you never walked in to begin with.

Today I gaint my voice back
and I can finally say your name.

19.22.5.14

#love #free #worth #it #loved #lonley #scared #new #begin #end

Katinka Sep 2018

Sorry

I know
I know I handeld things the wrong way
I know I ****** up
and I knew it all along

and yes I could have changed it
and I wanted to
but in this very second I didn´t knew how

I know I am not a good person
and maybe I will never be
I know I hurt you
and I am sorry

I will try to change
I know it won´t change the past
and it will never repear it

but I have to change
because I know I am bad
I know the ugliness inside

and I wish I wouldn´t see it
I don´t know why
maybe to protect myself
maybe because hate is easier than the pain
maybe I wanna hurt others the way I was hurt
maybe because I just couldn´t believe
believe someone would actually love me

which doesn´t make it anymore right
I am sorry
for everything

This is my apology
my realisation
my truth

I will always regret it
I just want you to know that.

I believe that often we write about the things that hurt us or that are important to us, but lets face reality nobody is perfect and neither am I. I wanted ro show that, to admit that. Because I made wrong decisions before, but I decided that I have to change, for the better for myself. I hope the world can forgive me, I hope you can.

#regret #healing #crying #ex #love #heartbroken #broken #revenge #wrong #lost