Katinka

Katinka Sep 2018

Sorry

I know
I know I handeld things the wrong way
I know I ****** up
and I knew it all along

and yes I could have changed it
and I wanted to
but in this very second I didn´t knew how

I know I am not a good person
and maybe I will never be
I know I hurt you
and I am sorry

I will try to change
I know it won´t change the past
and it will never repear it

but I have to change
because I know I am bad
I know the ugliness inside

and I wish I wouldn´t see it
I don´t know why
maybe to protect myself
maybe because hate is easier than the pain
maybe I wanna hurt others the way I was hurt
maybe because I just couldn´t believe
believe someone would actually love me

which doesn´t make it anymore right
I am sorry
for everything

This is my apology
my realisation
my truth

I will always regret it
I just want you to know that.

I believe that often we write about the things that hurt us or that are important to us, but lets face reality nobody is perfect and neither am I. I wanted ro show that, to admit that. Because I made wrong decisions before, but I decided that I have to change, for the better for myself. I hope the world can forgive me, I hope you can.

#regret #healing #crying #ex #love #heartbroken #broken #revenge #wrong #lost

Katinka Sep 2018

You and Me

You
the one with messy brown hair
brown eyes
with you birthmark over the left side of your face.
You who left me crying.
You who made me believe in love for the first time.
You who stole my first kiss
first time
first.

You
with your straight blonde hair
blue eyes
and that stupid smirk
You who left me broken
You who showed me a new way of living
You who left me being second choice
second best
second.

You
with your dark blonde hair
hazel eyes
you with your beautiful hands
You who left me angry
You who showed me a different way of love
You who went with me on my third concert
third love
third.

You
with your curly brown hair
hazel eyes
with your cute braces you never liked
You who left me questioning
You who showed how hard love can be
You who decided I wasn´t worth it
You never happend
We never did.

I
with wavy dark brown hair
hazel eyes
with freckles on my face

I who loved everyone of you
but still couldnt forget you,
number two

I who loved everyone of you
but you left me wanting more,
number four

I who loved everyone of you
was being loved.
but not anymore.

Usally I write my poems on paper first, and then I will reread them and think about them, may make some changes and then upload them here. But in this very second I am just so full of emotion that I want to write and I want it to be honest so no rereading or correcting. Just me.

#love #ex #broken #alone #heartbroken #sad #cry #emotional #healing #lonley

Sep 2018

Tati

The day I put the pen down

That day was awful
Writing was my passion, it was my escape
Because I could write anything about everything in this universe and it felt like freedom and adrenaline were partnering together and cascading through my veins like a sugar rush
But then it went away
The day that the rose tinted glasses were ripped away from my doll face
And the truth was in front of me all along
I was face to face with an image so devastating to me it changed my perspective on love
Because I didn’t believe in it anymore after that day
The image
Of my best friend. The one I saw as a sister. The one that I sheltered and cared for since the day I started to call her a friend.
Kissing the man I love
Do you remember that poem I wrote?
The man I love
The poem that I stayed up hours for every night for weeks
Perfecting it because in my clueless and infatuated little mind, that was what he deserved
The look of shock on her face when she turned to see me standing at the doorway
Tears running down my face as if they were racing to see which one could get to my jawline the fastest
My mascara that I bought at the drugstore since I saved up money for weeks to get her the best one at the Macy’s counter so she could be happy
Stained my porcelain skin
I stumbled down the hallway, hearing the cries behind me
“Forgive me! Please! You’re my best friend! I’m begging you!”
I kept walking
After that, I stopped writing.

#betrayal #pain #hurt #heartbreak #sad #depression #love #lost #friendship

Katinka Sep 2018

Healing or Dying

It was bad
I was

I felt like dying and sobbing
shaking and screaming on the floor
wishing for nothing but death

then it got better,
slowly but it did

I felt hurting and breaking
Sitting crying and lost on the bed
wishing for nothing but it to pass

then it got better,
slowly but it did

I felt nothing and empty
sitting in silence and thoughtless on the table
not wishing anymore

then I wondered
was I getting better or just benumbed

time passed
and I wished,
for anything,
a feeling,
just something.

#empty #depressed #lonley #sad #cry

Katinka Sep 2018

Mind map

My brain feels like a mind map
jumping from thought to thought

wandering the lines of my mind
deep into a never ending tunnel
like the ocean
so far
so random

but after all it should come back to one thought
but to what ?

a question, an answer ?

maybe it´s nothing
maybe it all ends up in nothing.

Sometimes I feel lost
or small
as all my thought crash down and me
and drown me in loneliness.

What does that say about me
maybe nothing
maybe it all ends up in nothing.

#nothing #mind #confused #small #world #thoughts

Katinka Sep 2018

Falling back

I was getting better
even good I thought

yeah, I was still thinking about you now and then
and sometimes I would find my mind drifting off into memories

but I stopped crying
I stopped wishing and hoping
for you to come back

but today I saw you name
not on purpose
it just stood there
staring at me.

And for a moment I fell back
back to wishing and hoping
back to you.

But I know it will faint again
and it will get better
slowly, but it will

and till that moment
I will look forward
wishing and hoping.

#hopefull #hopeless #alone #sad #lonely

Katinka Sep 2018

Now or Never

I always feel like I have to decide
as in right now
like I would need to have an answer ready any minute.

But decisions take time
you don´t just decide
you create pro and con lists in your head
or in reality

you think of every possible outcome
of everything that could go right
and everything that could go so wrong.

And it is possible that deep down you already know the answer
actually it is most likely you do
so why not stick with that decision.

Maybe because you thought about it for too long
maybe you didn´t thought about it enough
or maybe you just dont trust your own decision

so it is now or never
it is always or gone
it is clever or foolish

Is it, tho ?
Decide.

#decision #confused #random #empty #depressed