i cannot change your heart that i love
and i cannot change your hands that hold me only when i am worthy
i cannot shape and form you and change you, to love me
no, i cannot change anything at all
and it was never of my own fault
i merely tried too hard
all along i was worthy
of a love
much warmer
than yours

not allowed to speak
silence has become me
because they all never care
about what i think
or how i am hurting
i'm nothing special
we all hurt
but mine is encasing me lately
it's too hard to get out of bed
i need to just get over this
but i can't find a way to

i know,
we all hurt
yet just for once
can i be heard?

do you have any idea the amount of break up texts i have composed and written within the notes of my phone?
and i kept telling myself, that this time i would send it
yet i knew i was lying
over and over i spilled out the words
only to be unsent and deleted
maybe things need to be over with
if i'm pouring my heart out over break up words
instead of fixing things
because i know that you won't listen
i know that we are done for good
i know that things are unfixable

i can't
i can't admit it

i've been up since five last night
drinking in suicide
all of these empty cans lying by my bed side
and it is 6:47 in the morning
i watched the sun rise up with agony
it's the mark of a new day
where i am still here
i didn't open that bottle of pills
it's sitting on the counter, feeling forgotten
i dialed your number on my phone
it's still sitting there on the screen, jumping at me
the big green call button staring at me
it's seven
the daylight is unfriendly towards me
i'll close my eyes again until five tonight
repeating this same old feeling

god, how much i miss my life

i just wanted to make you happy
but you made me so unhappy
and i think that is what actually made you happy

i was alone before you found me
and i can be alone again when you leave
(i don't need anything from you)

i can feel it
as if i was a flower, too stuck beneath the earth, tied down by my roots that refused to grow
too scared to grow, too scared to bloom
i can feel it
i'm pulling away from my roots finally and raising above the earth
into this foreign light and sunshine, no longer finding comfort in the cold dark
i'm blooming, growing, away from you becoming the beauty i could have always been, yet you were holding me back, i remained stuck and unwell, no water, no sunlight
i'm leaving my roots behind, my petals are vibrant and bright
and i am no longer scared to keep growing away from you, far far away
you showered me with dirt and worms
i found my strength to break free and grow into what you didn't want me to be