i don’t like what i see in the mirror
because i am nothing more than an ugly mess.

tired eyes
flabby tummy and big thighs
self harm scars
and layers of skins enough to hide my confidence.

i don’t like my reflection.
i don’t like them at all.

i was told that i was perfect the way i am
but then they would tell me
“maybe if you lose weight a little bit more
you could get rid of that chubby cheeks and double chin”.

so i skipped breakfast,
and lunch,
and dinner,
and sometimes i lose control and puke all the way out.
my throat would burn but i felt victorious.

and just like that i spend days and weeks and months and every moments counting calories that will flow down inside this mouth
one hundred
two hundred
not more than three
or else their terrifying gazes will speak to me and say
“ew, disgusting.”

i hate my reflection and i dislike my being
because who would have loved a person like me,
a person with self love the size of a teardrop?

and then they told me again that i don’t have to go on diet because i’ve got the body of Victoria’s Secret’s models

but again,
why would he left me for a girl
well,
she has smaller wrist, bigger chest and she’s always alive
i don’t blame him though
i am really not enough, right?

because anyone can say those three words
and anyone can say you’re perfect
as long as you fit their idea of perfection

i am no goddess and i know my place

but maybe
just maybe
someday,
i will finally be enough.

When I was younger,
I used to make fun of the people in the Depression commercials.
I thought, "Oh, just cheer up!'
I thought the people in those commercials were always so pathetic.
I never thought that as an adult,
I would be faced with the same  issues.
I never thought I would reach a day in my life,
where all I ever want to do is sleep.
I never thought that I would struggle to do small tasks.
I never imagined that I would have such a hard time leaving my bed every morning.
I never imagined that this ache in my chest would come back every time it snowed.
I used to love the snow,
but ever since my junior year of high school,
I reach this stage of nostalgia when the frost bites.
I literally have no idea how to help myself.
I feel so incredibly isolated.
Perhaps, it is the darkness that makes me so tired.
I want nothing more than to cuddle up in my comforter.
I want nothing more than evenings spent binge watching episode after episode.
Maybe it's the weather,
Or maybe it is me.
Maybe it is the situation that I am constantly finding myself in.
I feel like I can never please anyone.
I feel like I lose all sense of motivation.
I do not understand.
This time, it is different.
For I do not want to take my own life this season,
but I do not want to do anything with it.
I am drowning in homework.
I am drowning in confusion and doubt.
I don't even want to tell Henry what I am dealing with right now,
because he doesn't deserve it.
He doesn't deserve my constant complaints.
I just feel so empty inside.
How do I deal with this?
This ache comes back season, after winter season.
I cannot wrap my mind around it.
Why does this happen to me?
I am unsure of who I am supposed to turn to in these nights of need.
I feel as if I am lacking something,
or perhaps my brain lacks something during these cold months.
Perhaps it is my heart.

i woke up and wrote a song
but forgot i couldn’t sing
so i ripped the page from my notebook
and threw it to the birds
they can have the rights and everything.

My last words to you were “I’ll see you later”.

Not “you mean the world to me” or “I would die for you” or “I love you”. Nothing that mattered, nothing that was real.  

I wonder why we say that. “I’ll see you later”. It’s a promise. A ridiculous vague promise that we know we can’t always keep.

I want to try again. I know we can’t rewrite history. I know that no matter how loud I scream you will never hear me. But I cannot say goodbye until I have let these words out of my aching soul. So here they, far too late.

I understand why you’re leaving. I know it’s selfish, but I wish it was me instead of you. You were always stronger, more equip for this life. You always  lead me through pain, how am I supposed to face it without you?

I’d give anything for you to stay for one more moment. To make one more snarky comment. To hear your voice just one more time. We didn’t get enough minutes, but I suppose even forever with you wouldn’t have been long enough.

I love you far more than I love myself. It doesn’t always seem that way, but you have seen my heart and held it in your hands. Didn’t you notice how it beat for you, spelling out your name over and over again? Did you realize I love you unconditionally? Did you know that I would burn down the entire world for you?

I want you to know, that all those years ago when I told you I hated you for making us walk away, it wasn’t true. In fact, I knew in the deepest part of my soul that it was what needed to be done but I didn’t have the strength to do it myself. So, when I said I hated you I actually meant that I hated me.

As these words come off of my lips I am starting to realize that I cannot do this without you. Please don’t go. Don’t leave me alone. I’m not going to make it. I won’t survive.

But if you must, I hope you find peace where ever end up. This life took so much and made you so **** tired, I hope you can finally rest.

Before you go, I have one last thing to say:

You mean the world to me, I would die for you and I love you.

Only one heart beat, some have two
Conjoined love
some people get good morning kisses
others just wake up to the sound of dump trucks
and neighbors kids screaming

I want to be kissed softly again
to know it wasn't just in my head
that people want to be close
people want to be close enough to kiss me

I don't want anything else right now
I'm missing a type of love
one you can only get by a certain type of someone

i bet you never had
someone hit you
so hard
like a wave.

i bet you never
thought the day
would come
where someone
would be so eager
to stay.

well i can’t make
any promises,
and you can’t expect
to do the same either,
but when i look at you,
something speaks truth,
and i just gotta
tell you.

i wanna know you.
i wanna know what gets you
going like you do.
i wanna know you.
why do you do the things you
do?

on friday night,
do you like to watch horror movies?
or are you the type,
to hang with your groupies
and smoke a doobie outside?

well, i’d choose neither.
and i **** at pulling
all-nighters,
but this little song
is not about me.

hey there,
hey you,
when i look at you,
something speaks the truth,
and i just gotta tell you.

i wanna know you.
i wanna know what gets you
going like you do.
i wanna know you.
why do you do the things you
do?

they say if you ever lose
your sense of spark,
then something isn’t right.

and i can’t promise
to always be your sunshine,
but i’ll try and i’ll try
to always be the light.

if you’re in a room,
and you feel the gloom,
and nothing feels like
it’s going right,
look at me,
and you’ll see
somebody who likes

the way that you are,
the way that you do,
oh, you, hey you,
i’m digging you.

cause when i look at you,
something speaks truth,
and i just gotta
tell you.

i wanna know you.
i wanna know what gets you
going like you do.
i wanna know you.
why do you do the things you
do?

i bet you never had
someone hit you
so hard
like a wave.

i bet you never
thought the day
would come
where someone
would be so eager
to stay.

i wanna know everything.
because you’ve got that something,
that i can’t explain.

Let's pretend we are not in love

And go on walking

So I can fall for you

All over again