I wanted to wait a whole year to write again and stopped myself short
Not a lot has changed these days except for the fact that I find myself more and more
Having conversations with you, lord
Not just "why god?" or "I don't understand war
or cancer in children or having to beg to be forgiven" - my knees are practically through this floor
I'm pleading yet more positive; I've gained perspective
Learning to give respect more and allow myself to be respected
Letting go of the past and becoming more accepting
Giving love to parts of me I once neglected

But still I fail to comprehend why I'm so angry at you
And, at times, all of those that have done me wrong
Wish I didn't have to rhyme or think how this would go in a song
I want to say, "**** all of that" and move along

But this is the man I have become. The beast of burden we have made.
I will keep moving and stay smiling because the sun never shines in the shade.
It cost me so much to get to where I am - I will not take for granted my happiness
But don't for one second think I need you, I am blessed

Because I made the choice.

You don't live here anymore
And I'm glad you don't.

I wonder if you've noticed I've left that port city we came to know together
Vanished like many of the winds on the Atlantic do
And all that remains of me there will either live on only in memory
Or die with your lack of sleep and sympathy.

I find it tragically beautiful;
How angry I am and how much I love you
Or did.
Hard to tell if I still do when I'm too hung up on remembering you.

Every single detail, bittersweet.
My heart pounds as I can feel how close we used to be
Both physically and spiritually.
Can't breathe.
The hardest part of this is not knowing whether you think of me.

My mind is flooded with images and sound:

How you used to crinkle your nose, your luscious brown hair and silky olive skin,
The way your voice glided into the most beautiful high notes,
And yet
You always hated all that I loved.

Now, I fear, you resent my caring for you and tending to your wounds

You are gorgeous, even when you leave.
What a lovely bird; what spiteful wings.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
And I don't think anyone ever will.

Running, never pacing myself.
Exhausted. Lonely. Not always alone.
Often wonder what you're doing.

I hold my breath like I hold back tears
And count to ten.
With each number, I only recall memories of better times

By rivers, by lakes, by fires, by friends;
By your side (most importantly)
And you always calling everyone "love"
And how I wished I could be.

Then darkness washes over;
I remember the flotsam amongst the wreck.
The ship was gorgeous but the parts were not, little bird.
I begin to remember the debris and trying to pick up pieces.

Like eating glass, every bit harder to swallow - the nights haunt me but perhaps I should find comfort;
At least one of us didn't sleep alone.
And how I wish it could've been me.

I want to travel to space if only to fly directly into the sun
I want to scream at a mirror until I lose my voice
I want to feel the world tremble for me
I want to strike fear and strike first

I want to destroy everything beautiful that I've worked so hard for
I want to watch my own funeral and get lost in the flames engulfing my body
I want to ****; **** love, I want visceral, shallow insecurities to ebb and flow
I want to feel like myself again but in a better body

I want to know why I was made to die.
I want chaos.
I need sleep.
They keep me sick so that I can feel better.
"It's all in your head".

I looked to heaven today and I found God, to my surprise
He was pointing at me and laughing
Watching me spiralling.

He thought it ironic how I said I didn't believe in him.
He wasn't offended even a little bit
But he let me know that he didn't believe in me either.

I can't blame him, I don't reach out or try to talk to him anymore
And the only times I say his name are all in vain.
Even now, I'm slightly ******* him off by not capitalising "H"s or calling him "Lord".

Then again, I doubt he gives a **** about grammar or what I think.

Leave it alone
I've done all I can and now it's time to go
Perhaps I'll drive home
This bottle once spoke now it screams through my throat

And I swear to you I feel alive
As I swerve from lane to lane, from left to right
Don't try to stop me now; I can feel again
But I promise I'll still crash the ******* car just the same.

I swear to you, I felt alive.
But maybe I didn't want to be.

And I don't want anyone to know.
This wanderlust has got me reeling;
I am begging for a new start.

But can I stay?
I've never been able to before.
My travels are visits and habits, never routine.

I am no one.
I am nowhere.
You can't miss me that way.

My wishful thinking has led me astray again
I'm out of place like a ship at sea that belongs in a bottle
And sinking just as quickly into shallow water.

I yearn for you to caress my insecurities again
And suture my aching wounds.
Though old, they still open from time to time (especially with every photograph of you I see).

I wish it was my birthday or Christmas so that I may hear from you.
Not blessed by your voice (I am not that naïve) but perhaps
A message on a screen tantamount to some words scribbled onto a napkin to tell me where I belong...
-------------------------------------------
It should not take so long to belong to something greater;
Maybe this sinking is a blessing -
And the ocean will welcome me.

Lover, I am enamoured by your passion
The gleam in your eyes and their gaze into the horizon
As you go on and on about him

I get lost in your words
Fabricate scenarios in which you notice
The slight sense of urgency that my hands posses to keep you

I ponder and hesitate. Almost asking, nearly begging,
Definitely dying to know if you've ever flirted with the idea
That someone could hold you so tight, the broken pieces mend

And if you've ever considered that's how beautiful I could be.

But I let you continue your discourse on his perfection.
Let my cynicism wash over me and coat me in armour.
I know you could never.

Not even enough to write.

The months pass and the tears fall
Words left unsaid plague the mind
Memories upon memories
Upon memories, never left behind

Empty arms, still open
Stomachs that turn, hearts that ache
Hope lost, regained, and lost again
Promises made, left in limbo so as to never break

Silence. Filling a whole house.
Silence. Everything that comes out
Is silence from the mouth
Of a faceless man with silent doubt

All that is known is that the wait will be endless
He will never again feel her sweet caress
So as the months pass and turn into years
And Summer continues to Fall, so do the tears

First off, a very backhanded congratulations to you, madam
Next, how dare you speak of that which you say you have never known?
You knew it with me and I knew you did but **** me
It never occurred to me that you thought it was as common as you make it.

Love?
Lies.
Love lies.
Love lies dead in the pool of blood next to the gun you used to **** it.
The blood is mine and I hope that you drink it all
Why wouldn't you? You already took everything else of mine with you.

So cliché, isn't it?
The way I'm acting must come off as melodramatic...
But the most cliché thing of all nowadays is
Saying, "I love you"...
... because you, like many other people, don't mean it.
The only love I've ever seen you give was to yourself.
It's called vanity, honey.

Now, cheer up. He's calling you joyfully
"Knowing" that you are "his"
Smile so that he hears it,
But don't clean up:  he can't see your make up running.

I haven't written in so long
Let you in for so long
It's because letting you in means you see the real me
And I feel being me is so wrong

Seven shots of this,
A few bottles of that is
Just what I need put my mind back at ease
Oh how I missed...

This. Feeling numb
Painless and then some
The pain just started to get much too intense
So I decided to drink myself until kingdom come

You can take that anyway you want to
No matter what, it's what you're going to do
You can judge me by my every sentence
Yet know as much about me as I know of you

Let's face it, you don't care
That I'm getting faded because I'm scared
To face the demons I have, the burdens I carry
What I am when I am bare

And I'm not asking you to give a ****
Or even to understand
I guess I pathetically want someone to listen before I'm buried
Six feet under everything I hate about me from which I ran

But my legs have given out and I can't run anymore
So I'll rest in this hole I dug myself into Forevermore

The adage goes
"Knowledge is power"
I wonder what you know
You Infernal shower

Fall upon me again
You learned everything about me
And I let you in
Fool! And now tell me, am I happy?

No.
This is not what I wanted
Certainly not what I needed
Go
You got what you wanted
Took from me and left me depleted

Of every last breath which I would have given freely to you and gladly
And I knew I never had you, but I'll be ****** if you ever say you never had
Me...

I know I'm not much
I'm nothing
I'm stupid and ******* up
And I know one more thing

I wanted you and you alone
Then I could've died
Peacefully. Soul no longer restless. I should have known
That when you made your promises
You lied.

The page, a canvas
The pen, the brush
Creativity, the medium
Heartbreak, the inspiration

A coffee mug and a Monster, both empty
Paper everywhere
Where are the pens, again?
It has to be black ink
This is a routine, it is sacred

Scribbled and crossed out words
Some to correct rhythm
Others to hold back
'Restrain
Contain your thoughts
Don't lie, stay true.
But don't give too much of you'
Avoid vulnerability, but don't be cold
Approach the microphone
Watch out. Almost hit the guitar on the wall...
Again.
Turn this level up, this one down
Turn everything else off and just

Listen
Is that your best?
Another take?
No, we're done
You're done
You're the only one here
Close up shop
Go home
Oh, you already are home
Thank god it's not an office job
Leave the room and wash up
Water on skin replaces the sweat
Soap attempts to make you feel clean
Don't look up when you get out of the shower

Music, the only mirror you will hold up to see yourself in
Your reflection,
A man and a monster
Both empty

He has returned to his room again,
The familiarity of the smell of coming home
Fills the air and sends him on a trip that would rival that of any drug

He greets his guitars like you would greet old friends
Caresses the strings of each lightly
As if the nickel where not nickel but rather velvet

Touch. Touch. Touch.
Memories flood.
Can not suppress the slightest grin.
"How long has it been?"

'Remember this... and that... ooh, but not that.
That still stings a little'

Silence

Time to strike pose.
What a lovely smile.
So unfortunate that it's fake when he's so genuine...
It's probably the reason why there's such a difference in the title of this work of art.
The objective was to call the painting by what was seen inside...

Most call it "The Boy in his Musical Metropolis"

He calls it "The Tortured Artist in the Empty Room"

So I sit here waiting
Always waiting aren't I?
Sitting, contemplating
Over who, and why
I am.  Who am I?

Just a man on a bench
Looking at his watch
Wondering where the time went
Time is all I've got
And the time is now

I will stand again
On my own two legs
Stretch and run to the end
Of the park until my heart begs

For mercy, for rest
From beating hard in my chest
And as I nearly fall to my knees I find
My religion. In your arms, my salvation, I'm blind

You're my guiding light and faith
You're my saving grace

Left in the wake of the aftermath that was a turbulent relationship,
Here I am
Was it all a dream
Or am I dreaming now?
Does it even matter?
It must have been a dream
Pardon the cliché but
Had it not been a dream,
You would not have existed

Now that I have awaken, what now?
Here I am
But why?
Should I attempt to move forward?
Again, does it even matter?
I will get out of this bed
Only to sleep in another bed years from now
Forever

A spark
A thought
Forever?
Wasn't it you who said that word?
Forever?
I guess you didn't mean it...

... then again
It was all a dream, wasn't it?

You haunt me
You are all I think about
You consume me
You are all I care about
You... I love you
Because you are everything I wish I was

I am never on your mind
I was an option, never a priority
I am consumed by you
I only care for you
I... I hate you
Because you remind me of everything I hate about myself

More than anything, I wish I couldn't remember the last time I was happy
Because I know it was with you
And that will haunt me forever

Maybe* you will read this but probably not
Maybe you give a **** but that isn't likely either
Maybe you're just as hurt as I am but there's just
No
Way
You're as ****** up as me
But maybe I'm wrong
Maybe you really do care just a bit
No. That's not a possibility.
Where was I going with this...?
****

Oh, that's right, maybe you hate me and my music and my writing
Or the way you still think of me how I think of you
And maybe we're both just sick of it and want it to *******
STOP

*But maybe
Just maybe
I don't give a **** and it's time for me to care for myself the way you never could nor will

It's damning, you know?
Thoughts of what used to be
Memory upon memories
All the places you used to go

All of the people you thought had your back
Only to leave you a knife
Then they walked out of your life
Uncaring to whether your sight faded to black

It's damning to know
That we are born and die
Everyday again and again without reason why
While on the outside, it's never shown

Through all of it
I find some salvation
Within myself and my damnation
Through all of the *******

I say, "Well ****, since I'm here
I'll enjoy myself and I'll just raise hell
I'll give everyone some stories to tell"
... It's damning how we go through our own damnations without fear.

As I lay here like an insomniac
I can’t help but wonder and ponder
Over possible regrets and if I could go back
To any period of time, which would I wander?

Would I return to my childhood?
A time without responsibilities
Would all be well and good
As I climbed up countless trees?

Or would I worry too much
About what was to come
Pre-adolescence and other such
Troubling times in which I couldn’t see the sun

Times where I couldn’t find a guiding light
And every moment of truth
Made me feel like I lived a worthless life
Even in my youth

Would I venture to just the other year
Of teenage loves and heartaches
Where I began to find what I hold dear
And what it take for my heart to break

When I learned my heart was not inside of me
But rather on my sleeve
That I was a helpless romantic and thought wishfully
That a girl would come along and never leave

Would I comfort myself in the time shortly after
In which I felt that my beliefs
Were all fabrications and that I was a walking disaster
And that I had been deceived

Would I tell myself to never love again
In order to escape the pain?
Or would I say "Continue to love as you have been"
While unable to explain.

No. I wouldn’t change one piece of my history
To change my situation today
For it is the person inside who will remain the same, blissfully
Come whatever may