I looked away.
I looked away from everything bad in my life.
And i saw it.
I saw the stars and the way they danced with each other.
The way they worked in harmony.
I gave into my heart.
I started thinking of you and the way your eyes glistened when the light hit it.
Or the way you smiled when you were talking about something you were passionate about.
All those times i took you for granted and didn’t take the time to think.

The stars aligned,
And my heart aligned with them.
The way the earth danced with the big dipper made me smile.
It made me happy.
Not like a dog seeing their human happy,
But a mother and father seeing their new born baby for the first time.
And that moment everything was right.
I stood staring at the stars instead of my phone.
The social media consumed me until i looked up and saw what was made for us to consume the beauty of.

We take pictures of it but we never admire it,
And one day when it's gone we will realize we should’ve seen the way it looked down at us.
Every night and throughout the day,
It never gives up.
And the way the stars never giving up in us,
Showing us art.
I found shelter from this cruel world.
After many times of falling short all i needed was a look at the stars.
And in star gazing i found everything i needed in life.
I found myself which was more than enough to get me by.
And in finding myself i found love through a constellation.

I needed you to catch me.
You took your life while drunk as hell.
I ******* miss you.
Are you ******* happy now!?
You took your own life.
****,
You took my soul with you.
My heart aches at the thought of your name.
You were my best friend and I couldn't save you.
Where are you?

I saw the regret in your eyes,
And for a moment I hoped you understand.
You pulled the trigger!
You pulled your life strings,
It wasn't your time!
You promised to be there for me everyday of my life!
You were my everything and you just killed yourself?
I loved you.

You began to crumble in my hands and fade away.
Did you hear my cries for you?
Your blood scattered all about that abandoned barn.
I ran at the thought of you taking your life.
I wanted to wake up from this dream but
I was already awake.
And it was a reality I couldn't live with.
Reality crashed down onto me and I couldn't breathe.
Someday I will wake up and realize you are gone.
Gone for good.

What's so good about picking up the pieces?
What if i can’t pick myself up enough to pick up what's remaining?
I can’t forget you.
You were the reason i shattered like glass all over the **** floor.
Your smile crushed my heart.
Your laugh killed me instantly.

I spectated while you played the game with my heart.
I never owned it,
You did and held it in your unwelcoming hands,
Crushing it with all your might.
You left me lying there beaten up crying and breaking.
I collapsed in your arms but you threw me down.

You threw me away,
Almost as easily as someone throwing a piece of trash in the trash can.
Your words struck my already broken heart.
Why i came back i may never know.
I just laid there not knowing how to breathe because i gave you my lungs.
I ached for you.

I ached for the way you smiled at me after you beat me,
Or the way you said you loved me while you were crushing my heart.
You cut off all communication to the ones i loved,
And when i came close to closing the door a new one opened up.
I don’t know how you did it,
But you lowered my chance of survival from this hell called loved.

Did you even love me at all?
Or was it the thought of having something you could control.
Did you think it was that easy to escape the way you treated me.
Or was it the possibility of me loving another soul to much to bare?
Not much i knew,
But i knew you never loved me yet,
I stayed for you.

I called your name,
I called you the way you taught me.
I couldn’t fall asleep without you beating me senseless.
Sadly this is not just physically,
But it was much more than physically.
It was every ******* thing possible.
You were the devil himself.
You left and never came back.
I was afraid of escaping.
I pulled together and push myself through the door.
I was finally hopeful.

She had been so busy locking away her feelings,
She couldn’t see her mother’s concerned face.
Or her boyfriend’s heart shatter at the sight of her in that body bag.
She had given up in everyone and wouldn’t let anyone in,
She got to the point of taking her own life instead of losing someone else.
She had not thought of how it would affect them.
She thought she would be forgotten but wasn’t.

A memorial was placed for her inside her own home.
Her own front porch,
Became her mother’s sanctuary.
In days time her family's lives have been turned upside down.
Their little girl gone.
Without a trace of what caused this.
If only someone was there when she needed them the most.

While standing there,
In her clouds,
She falls to her knees,
Broken in the afterlife.
Who would have thought that this jewell had a devilish mind of impure thoughts.
She knew the feeling of regret but never fully felt it until then.

“It was suppose to relieve me.
Not hurt me in the long run.”
She cried out.
“Mom I’m sorry,”
She looks at her boyfriend from up above,
And cries out to him.
“I’m sorry i’m sorry!
I never meant to hurt you”

She laid there crying for hours,
Until she could no longer breathe.
“Doctor! Doctor! She is waking up!”
She opened her eyes to find herself in a hospital room.
Monitor at full working rate.
Her boyfriend who has never looked so pale raised his eyes to meet hers.
She was weak and couldn’t say a thing.
But he knew exactly what to say,
“I love you”

Days passed,
Her smile faded,
Her laugh disappeared,
Eyes darkened,
She felt alone,
Like no one cared,
Useless,
Worthless,
He knew otherwise.

He never gave up on saving her.
Told her jokes,
Held her,
Let her sleep on his shoulder when she couldn’t sleep the night before,
Just listened to her.
She loved him,
But was afraid of losing him.
He was all she had.

The feeling of life is flowing out of my soul.
I can feel it leave my fingertips.
My knees buckle under stress.
I express my pain in dreadful tears streaming down my swollen face.
I fall into position that has become unmovable.

Every inch of my bruised riddled body aches.
Air beginning to swiftly embrace my trembled breathing.
I surrender into its loving arms.
Swallowed whole from its loving touch.

The lifeless body I once knew,
Struggling through the cracked corridor,
Gains a heaviness to which I tremble,
Gazing around the gloominess before me,

When suddenly,
A light is bestowed onto me.  
Granting the wishes I once had.
Heaviness lifted from my shoulders
Regaining my balance,
Moving through the sudden brightness.

Embracing the feelings I once knew,
Longing for the touch of something new,
Once I open my eyes,
I attempt concur the light.

Reminded of the ghastly past,
I embark a new adventure.
Regaining love, strength, empowerment.
Devoted to life like never before.
For I was once broken,
For now, I have awoken.

Distance is the key.
The key to happiness.
Distancing yourself from those around you protects you.
Distance allows the mind to rebuild
To replenish,
And gives the soul hope.

Without distance
We allow the brokenness,
the creativity,
The memories,
And major feelings,
To fade away never to be seen again.

Distance opens a broken mind,
a broken heart.
It prepares time for the soul to break down and heal.
Time with distance creates a new soul,
Person,
and even friendships.

As i walked this path home to the once happy place,
Now beaten up and destroyed by the memories that haunt me.
I start to feel the tears run down my cheek.
In an instant I hold my breath and count to thirty.
This is who i have been for many years now,
And i won’t be changing soon.

As i come back into my senses,
I noticed my weary beaten down house,
That once saved me from the monsters that were outside.
I noticed the small things,
The cracked paint,
Broken windows.
Spray paint sprayed all about.  

I grew exhausted from all the memories,
And the agonizing pain it brought me.
I found solitude in my steps away from that putrid house.
I loathed the feeling it brought me.
That vacant memory of that feeling came rushing back.
I began to stumble at the thought of it.
My world came crashing down in that house.
It's starting to be hard to breathe,
As my anxious body aches at the thought of ever being there once more.

To my unborn child,
I love you.
No one will hurt you.
I know this world is very rude and cruel,
Throughout my life i will protect you.
You are my life.

You will know me your whole living life,
You will  be a major part in my life.
Everything i do now is setting up for you.
For us,
A family.
Not like the one i grew up to,
But the one i dreamt about.

Your father,
He will love you more than anything.
Or i will be your father and mother.
Protecting you from this messed up world.
You're perfect.
I hope you never cry to yourself at night wanting to end your life.
You belong here with me.

For nine months i will have carried and taken care of you.
The moment i found out about you,
I became ecstatic and couldn’t wait to see you.
You will be beautiful,
You are my everything.
Always will be.
I love you and i will always love you,
No matter the problems we face.

Her breathing slowed,
Her sobs quieted down as she laid there.
And for a brief moment everything was alright.
It was over,
She couldn’t go back and at that time she didn’t want to.
She stood there looking at her lifeless body as she faded off into the distance.
But suddenly,
With one foot in the light
She hears a familiar voice.
“Don’t leave me, i need you”

Who was that familiar voice,
No on ever needed her.
No one loved her,
Cared,
Missed,
Or even liked her.
Or so she thought.

She stood there crying,
For no apparent reason.
She wrecked someone's world,
Someone who cared.
She couldn't remember anything,
She wanted to go back but couldn’t find a way out she was too far gone.

“Was it a dream?
Or was it real.
Could she not go back?
Who said that?”
So many thoughts ran through her head that she forgot.
She forgot the light just beyond the door.
Once again she was trapped in her thoughts,
Alone and wondering.
What would’ve happened if i had stayed?

Did I fail the life I was meant to live?
In my mind I failed those who loved me.
All I’ve ever known is this darkness that surrounds my every thought.
Pushes me into the abyss and keeps pulling me in deeper and deeper.
Where am I?
As I fall deeper I hear a sound, over and over again.
The only voice beside my own speaks of nothing but broken,
Is that me?


Broken is what I’m known by,
And I cannot seem to wake myself.
I seem not tired or awake.
Where will I end up?
I feel no pain and sense no feelings.
Perhaps I am becoming nothing but the abyss.
Am I fading, or I am falling?
I feel wind across my icy cold cheek,
And as it caresses my cheek, only one thought pops into my mind.
Who was “Broken?”

As I landed on my face,
I felt pain for the very first time.
Although i could not see my surroundings
I could sense all the faces on my lifeless body.
I start to panic as i cannot move my limbs or open my eyelids.
I am trapped in myself.
I am “Broken” and i cannot fix myself.

As i look at myself in window of this beaten down shack,
I find bags,
Brokenness,
A broken spirit lingering from what was left from the beginning.
I have seen myself many times in this window,
but never spent time to look at who i am
Or how life has affected me.

I grew weary trying to save the little girl i once was,
I wasn’t strong anymore.
I had given up years before i could count.
And i had lost myself in feelings that were unreal.
They destroyed me.
Made me who i am today.
And oh,
How i hate myself.

I let people walk all over me,
Fall for people who do not deserve me.
Yet i tell myself they are different.
That i am safe being in their presence.
Oh how i was wrong.
He tore me down and when i had thought to have something real,
It was just as fake as my smile has been since i learned to truth about this world.

A world of unforgiveness,
Sins,
A father who hates his little girl who adored him so.
A religion based on how we treat others.
I had forgotten how it felt.
Being dragged across that open room.
The blood flowing out of me.
I will never forget that day,
I saw who the man i adored and love,
Really was.
Inside.
And there was no escape from who i would become.

I lay here,
Beaten and defeated.
Losing hope like its blood rushing out of me.
As i seek shelter from this feeling,
I find comfort.
Love,
At least i know that i can feel,
It's better than breathing.
I find comfort in the same thing that is killing me.
Defying the line i crossed many years ago,
I promised to never feel this way again,
But even broken promises hurt.
I started breaking promises before i started breathing,
Or my heart started beating.
Before i could walk,
I could think.
I could think of everything that is wrong with me.
That list goes on and on,
And as i lay here,
Thinking of everything wrong with me.
I decided to give up,
And with giving up,
I became happy.
I gave up in trying,
Breathing,
Feeling.

I gave up feeling,
Without feelings
I can breath,
I can walk.
I walked back into those lines i defied long ago.
And that's where you were.
I woke up on the hospital bed,
Half beaten,
Dying.
I laid there feeling alone.
Every single feeling came rushing back.
No one came running back at the sound of my heart beat,
Or my gasping voice.
You didn’t care,
When you saw me lying on that cold hard ground on that unpaved road,
You didn’t help,
You saw me at my lowest state,
Yet you didn’t love me then.
My broken heart yearns for you.
Yet you don’t want me even breathing around you.



I never learned to live without that feeling.
The feeling of betrayal,
Hopelessness,
Brokenness.
I forgot how i felt so at home in these feelings.
After losing you,
I felt alone.
Barely alive.
You crawled under my skin and made me uneasy.
Every day the unbearable pain you gave,
I couldn’t feel the same.
This hospital sheet itches at me like you words cut through my walls.
You made me uneasy,
Every thought of you killed me inside.
With every thought i became more and more careless.
It was like hell,
But on Earth it felt worse.
No one care enough to save me from this place i came into.

She’s silent but loud,
Screaming for help.
Although no one hears her,
I do.
She’s alone but has me.
No friends but me.
Forever in her head.
Thoughts.


There isn’t a cloud in the sky but it’s raining.
She’s calling your name,
You don’t hear her.
She’s crying but not making a sound.
She’s sad, but excited.
Soon to be reunited with him.
Forever in her mind.
Him.

Weaping tears of sorrow,
Missing you is her only regret,
But yet she loved you so,
Enough to give her easily broken heart to you.
Forever in her mind.
You.

I’m happy.
Line one was a lie.
I speak with desperation in my voice.
If only i knew what happiness felt like.
If only happiness had tasted my depressed lips,
Maybe then i could breathe easier at night.
Instead i sit and stare into the empty abyss around me.
I cry out for the monsters that surround me,
But even their sounds don’t affect me anymore.

Although i'm only human,
I disguise myself in my thoughts.
I barely feel anymore,
All I feel is emptiness.
And that emptiness has become the only familiar feeling surrounding me.
I say to myself that I’m okay.
I say it will get better.
But only if that was the truth.
Then maybe I'd still be here.

I don't understand this.
And my heart can't stand it.
You're making it so hard to.
Baby I just don't understand.
You're changing for the worst.
What do I do?
I can't save myself,
And I'm falling apart.
I'm damaged by you.

You were so sweet and divine,
but now you're conceded and confused.
I'm starting to break  a w  a   y  
I'm paralyzed by the truth.
My heart aches and I cannot breathe.
Those scars you made upon me have been reopened
And bleeding faster than ever.
All this liquor I consumed isn't making a dent in my disturbed mind.
What did I do?
Baby I just don't understand it