This site is my lifeline
Yet,
You are the only ones
Who can watch
Me slowly dying
Falling apart
Before your eyes

You are the only ones who
Know about my nightly crying
And how
The pressure builds for trying

This site is my lifeline

You are all so encouraging
I have yet to hear
Someone say,
"We don't want you,
Just go die"

You say to keep living
Loving
Laughing

And while that
May not be possible for me
You remind me to try

This site is my lifeline
And the great people on it
I may have lost my life
If it weren't for you

*So thank you

What was the
Scariest moment
In your life?

I remember mine
Vividly

It was late
I couldn't sleep
Thoughts ran through my head
Horrible thoughts
How I wanted to die
And why

I climbed out of bed
And crept down the hall

I slipped into the kitchen
And grabbed a knife

I remember,
I stood outside
For the longest time,
Blade against wrist

I felt the rain stream past me
As tears ran down my face

I knew this was no ordinary cut
I pushed the knife down harder
And said goodbye
But I couldn't do it
I collapsed to the ground
Shaking
Crying

Was I too weak?
Or was I just strong enough?

This was the
Scariest moment
Of my life
Because
It was then that I realized
The true enemy is
*Me

No little girl,
You don't know pain
You are just a child
You say you want to die
But you are probably lying

No little girl,
You don't know stress
You are just a child
You say it is drowning you
But you are probably lying

No little girl,
You don't know anxiety
You are just a child
You say you can't breathe
But you are probably lying

No little girl,
You don't know depression
You are just a child
You say you hate living
But you are probably lying

No little girl,
You don't know these things
You are just a child
You say you speak the truth
But you are probably lying

No stupid adult
I do know these things
Yes you are an adult
You say you understand
*But you are definitely lying

she is a butterfly.
but they have clipped her wings,
and tore her apart limb from limb,
and now she doesn't even realize that she's butterfly anymore.

You gave me a glass jar
We collected fireflies and put them inside
We admired them every night.
Only the two of us understood
what the flicker of the tiny lights meant.

Only the two of us understood.

One day, we walked down the beach
We walked by a stranger whose eyes
sparkled like our glass jar.
I lost my mind
I dropped our jar
I gave the stranger our fireflies
I thought he was worthy.

You ran away with tears in your eyes
and wounds in your hand
from all the broken pieces of our glass jar.

As I tried catching up, I stepped on broken glass
I hurt myself
I stopped chasing you
I let you go and went after the stranger with the sparkly eyes.

For a moment, I forgot about you and our jar and our fireflies.

One day, it rained.
The stranger left and I felt my wounds fresh again.
I thought about you and our jar and our fireflies.
I missed you.
It hurt and I cried and I promised
not to collect fireflies anymore.

I haven't seen fireflies or sparkly eyes since then.

Six hundred and seventy three days passed
I went back to the ocean and saw the broken pieces of our glass jar
The wounds are now healed but I still miss you
I picked up the pieces and glued them back together
I sent them back to you in a box with a bow
"This is yours", I said
I did not wait for a response.

One day, I saw you holding our empty jar
You were looking at me
I looked back, holding my tears
I moved close and I saw
There were no tears, no pain, no anger in your eyes anymore

I moved closer 'cos I thought I saw your eyes sparkle
I thought about our fireflies
And in that moment I realized

It was you all along
It was not the stranger with the sparkly eyes
It was you
It is you
You are my fireflies.

You ignited within my soul a flame,
A flicker of fire, I fear I won't be able to tame.
I must warn you, I'm a rebel.
And right now, I have an overwhelming desire to play with your fire.

We both know it's over,
Though we haven't spoken a word.

And I hear your sleeve rustle
As you run your fingers through your golden hair,
Nervously. Impatiently.
You don't want to be here.

Our eyes meet;
They match the coffee sitting on my bedside from this morning.
Cold.
Bitter.
Unfinished.

My hands rest in my lap, clasped together;
As if to pray to some obscure divinity
That can't hear me.
Gaze fixed on chipped, red nails,
Trying not to bite my tongue.

You knew it was wrong;
You knew it would come to this.
You knew all along.

Didn't you?

Jaw clenched,
You stare out a window,
Plotting your escape.

I try to remember the good times,
But they all seem so out of context now.
Your smile seems so crooked now,
Your eyes seem cold and distant now.

Your charm,
But free deceit disguised as cheap love,
A poor alibi for worse decisions.

You don't love,
You lust.

Because that's all you've ever known in this world,
That's all you ever learned from your sick father figures:
I want.
I need.
I have.

Human connection,
A waste of time.
Love and affection,
No worth to speak of.

So, tell me.
Was she worth it?

"I love her," You say quietly.

"I know," I reply.

So, I lay where we did earlier today
Where we were yesterday, and the day before
Drowning, surrounded in blankets ((the blankets hold much more than lint and old lousy dryer sheets stuck on the edges) ))
They hold memories, laughs, smiles
The pillows witnessed our secret telling
Watched us kiss
Watched us fall in love over and over again((at least me falling in love with you, i'll never understand how someone could love me yknow)))
And at night they remind me of you and remind me to miss you
They make sure my dreams are dark nightmares of losing you
Nightmares of you not loving me
Dark thoughts of losing trust
Losing our smiles
You left your drink on my table and I wouldn't dare touch it until I know you're coming back to me
For what if you never come back and all I have left of you is that old cup of flat mt. dew on my broken little table
Every time I look at it I can be reminded of your lips, taking a sip
(maybe then I won't forget how it felt when your lips touched mine.,..,..)
My bedroom screams of you and always will so please don't leave
My life is sad until you come back the next day don't you understand that???
I couldn't bare the memories here
I couldn't bare the perfect marks you left with me
You etched your name into me in places I'll never forget so
Please stay
Because alone, in THIS room????? That's not something I could bare

knock knock
who is it?
love
love who?
love you

go away, you're not welcome
I don't need you
you're just a stupid feeling
a disease that violate our hearts and souls
that make our eyes go blind
and changes our perception of things
you make everyone sick as you pass by

you pretend you're perfect
that everything is beautiful
and it will stay that way forever

but then you go
go without a warning
leaving a hole where once was a heart full of you

I still have the scars of your name in my chest
I still remember the tears I droped for you

why you just came back now?
why now?
why after all this time?

didn't you know I was waiting for you
to knock on my bedroom door?