It's been 2 years since I last wrote

I fell in love again

It's been 6 months
More

And this time, I'm not drowning in an ocean
My legs dangle in the warmth of a rock pool while the sun warms my face

But in the back of my mind, I know there's an expiration date
I know the day will end
And I will have to leave the beach

'I don't want you waiting for me, that just breeds resentment and anger.'

I understand, I do

Where you were coming from when you broke up with me

I understand the fear that I might be waiting for you out of obligation, or cowardice

But now we're broken up, have been for over a month

I've said and done some stupid things since then

But only because I didn't want to accept

What I really think now

Is the truth

That I still want to wait for you

We aren't together, there's no obligation for me to wait for you any more

You've given me a ticket out, a door to escape through

After all the pain and suffering

And I've been standing on the threshold

And perhaps glimpses of what lies beyond the door have been tempting

But I'm closing the door now

Still on the same side as you

Because I'm choosing to wait

No strings attached

This is the choice I'm making

Perhaps it isn't the right one

But I don't think it's the wrong one

So I will sit here, and I will wait

And maybe one day, you'll want to try again as well

And we can build something new together

On the glittering ashes of what we had

You told me

Texting/Being online/The internet made you feel sick and uncomfortable

That your anxiety couldn't handle it

And I believed you

I made myself believe that that made it okay when you ignored me for days on end

But now I realise

You lied to me

I made you feel sick

You were able to talk to other people

I saw when my best friend came to stay with me

It was me in particular you were ignoring

Which isn't fair because I never did anything wrong

And maybe you were just trying to protect my feelings

But instead you've hurt me more than you know

You've left me broken

And too scared to fall in love again

I hope you're happy

i'm a self destructive person

so i relate to the lines

'fine, make me your villain'

because sometimes i'll make myself the villain on purpose

because i think it's easier than letting someone try to forgive me

maybe i really am the villain

you told me your heart stopped

tell me

when it started again

was that when you became sick of being with me?

It happened again
I tried to count to ten
But this time it just didn’t work

And now I’m in bed
With these thoughts in my head
About how you must think I’m a ****

How do I explain
How I’m in so much pain
When you’re hurting too

I should just go to sleep
But all I can think
Is what do I say to you?

I try to pretend
But I’m crying to my friends
On the phone to them every night

And through the tears I yell
While I’m asking ‘What the hell
Must I do to set this right?

How do I explain
How I’m in so much pain
When you’re hurting too

I should just go to sleep
But all I can think
Is what do I say to you?’

They say give it time
But I can’t control it
And now I’m just repeating
I’m sorry, I love you
I’m sorry, I love you
I’m sorry, I love you
I love you

Maybe now I realise
I need to respect your disguise
Or else I will lose you

And so I’ll go to sleep
Instead of trying to think
About what I should say to you

i used to say
that even if i wasn't okay right now,
i would be eventually

now that's getting more and more questionable

In the space of two hours i wrote

                        a suicide note,

                                         and a love letter.







I posted them the
                                                    love letter.

stumble in the door
exhausted

strip
no teeth
no pyjamas

half-naked and shaking
curl up in bed

and continue to lie

Resting your head on the side of the bathtub,
Half-hoping you won't fall asleep and slip under the water.

Walking into the street without looking both ways,
Half-hoping you won't be hit by a car or some other vehicle.

Running down the stairs, taking them two at a time,
Half-hoping you won't trip and fall all the way, all the way down.

Turning off the oven after cooking your dinner,
Half-hoping the gas hasn't leaked and isn't filling your entire house.

Leaving a candle lit for a moment as you leave the room,
Half-hoping it won't fall over and set your bookshelf ablaze.

Doing any number of seemingly monotonous chores,
And half-hoping your mind won't hope for the dreadful way it could



end.

Last night I smashed my phone

I don't know why I did it

And yet I hate myself for doing it

For the reason I did it

Because I know it was bad

My behaviour was unacceptable








Each time I see the smashed screen it makes me feel sick