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Feb 2021 · 217
Decision
Cas Feb 2021
'I don't want you waiting for me, that just breeds resentment and anger.'

I understand, I do

Where you were coming from when you broke up with me

I understand the fear that I might be waiting for you out of obligation, or cowardice

But now we're broken up, have been for over a month

I've said and done some stupid things since then

But only because I didn't want to accept

What I really think now

Is the truth

That I still want to wait for you

We aren't together, there's no obligation for me to wait for you any more

You've given me a ticket out, a door to escape through

After all the pain and suffering

And I've been standing on the threshold

And perhaps glimpses of what lies beyond the door have been tempting

But I'm closing the door now

Still on the same side as you

Because I'm choosing to wait

No strings attached

This is the choice I'm making

Perhaps it isn't the right one

But I don't think it's the wrong one

So I will sit here, and I will wait

And maybe one day, you'll want to try again as well

And we can build something new together

On the glittering ashes of what we had
i want to shed the Gryffindor armour that I built around myself to make myself seem strong and brave, and show the world the Hufflepuff that i used to be, back when i was happy simply for myself and by myself. the person who made dumb harry potter references to help explain situations.
Cas Feb 2021
I can't forgive you

I can't take you back

So why do I want you to come

And take me in your arms

And tell me it will all be okay?

Tell me you still love me
Jan 2021 · 286
Liar
Cas Jan 2021
You told me

Texting/Being online/The internet made you feel sick and uncomfortable

That your anxiety couldn't handle it

And I believed you

I made myself believe that that made it okay when you ignored me for days on end

But now I realise

You lied to me

I made you feel sick

You were able to talk to other people

I saw when my best friend came to stay with me

It was me in particular you were ignoring

Which isn't fair because I never did anything wrong

And maybe you were just trying to protect my feelings

But instead you've hurt me more than you know

You've left me broken

And too scared to fall in love again

I hope you're happy
Jan 2021 · 359
Left Broken
Cas Jan 2021
Never fall in love with a poet.

They'll cut you with pretty words

And leave your heart bleeding out like ink on a page.
Jan 2021 · 402
destruction
Cas Jan 2021
i'm a self destructive person

so i relate to the lines

'fine, make me your villain'

because sometimes i'll make myself the villain on purpose

because i think it's easier than letting someone try to forgive me

maybe i really am the villain
now i've lost two of my best friends as well as my ex-girlfriend. but do i really care? i don't know. god i ******* hate myself.
Jan 2021 · 120
when did it change?
Cas Jan 2021
you told me your heart stopped

tell me

when it started again

was that when you became sick of being with me?
i'm trying so hard to find something to blame
Cas Dec 2020
It happened again
I tried to count to ten
But this time it just didn’t work

And now I’m in bed
With these thoughts in my head
About how you must think I’m a ****

How do I explain
How I’m in so much pain
When you’re hurting too

I should just go to sleep
But all I can think
Is what do I say to you?

I try to pretend
But I’m crying to my friends
On the phone to them every night

And through the tears I yell
While I’m asking ‘What the hell
Must I do to set this right?

How do I explain
How I’m in so much pain
When you’re hurting too

I should just go to sleep
But all I can think
Is what do I say to you?’

They say give it time
But I can’t control it
And now I’m just repeating
I’m sorry, I love you
I’m sorry, I love you
I’m sorry, I love you
I love you

Maybe now I realise
I need to respect your disguise
Or else I will lose you

And so I’ll go to sleep
Instead of trying to think
About what I should say to you
poems are just the preface to songs, aren't they? or songs are an evolution of poetry
Oct 2020 · 894
sunshine
Cas Oct 2020
i just want to be
your sunshine again
i'll try and keep trying, i refuse to stop trying, i love you
Oct 2020 · 217
bad
Cas Oct 2020
bad
i used to say
that even if i wasn't okay right now,
i would be eventually

now that's getting more and more questionable
Oct 2020 · 1.2k
Letters
Cas Oct 2020
In the space of two hours i wrote

                        a suicide note,

                                         and a love letter.







I posted them the
                                                    love letter.
now once again, i have a small box containing a new suicide note hidden on a shelf in my room
Oct 2020 · 109
Untitled
Cas Oct 2020
you said you'd be there for me

where are you?
Oct 2020 · 292
another lie
Cas Oct 2020
stumble in the door
exhausted

strip
no teeth
no pyjamas

half-naked and shaking
curl up in bed

and continue to lie
- a continuation of 'lies'
Aug 2020 · 1.6k
Here's to Half-Hoping
Cas Aug 2020
Resting your head on the side of the bathtub,
Half-hoping you won't fall asleep and slip under the water.

Walking into the street without looking both ways,
Half-hoping you won't be hit by a car or some other vehicle.

Running down the stairs, taking them two at a time,
Half-hoping you won't trip and fall all the way, all the way down.

Turning off the oven after cooking your dinner,
Half-hoping the gas hasn't leaked and isn't filling your entire house.

Leaving a candle lit for a moment as you leave the room,
Half-hoping it won't fall over and set your bookshelf ablaze.

Doing any number of seemingly monotonous chores,
And half-hoping your mind won't hope for the dreadful way it could



end.
I'm half-hoping once again
Jun 2020 · 814
lies
Cas Jun 2020
cry yourself to sleep
and tell yourself it will be better in the morning
Jun 2020 · 476
disappointment
Cas Jun 2020
when he scares you
never expect an apology

after all, he didn't mean it
you're the one who's fragile
Jun 2020 · 361
Smash
Cas Jun 2020
Last night I smashed my phone

I don't know why I did it

And yet I hate myself for doing it

For the reason I did it

Because I know it was bad

My behaviour was unacceptable








Each time I see the smashed screen it makes me feel sick
When Can I Stop Feeling Like I Ruined Everything?
Nov 2019 · 1.2k
Sting
Cas Nov 2019
My eyes sting so bad






My arm stings more
Sep 2019 · 1.2k
Heart-Shaped Box
Cas Sep 2019
For five years I kept a suicide note in a glittery pink heart-shaped box in the bottom of my closet
Until one day I was strong enough to tear it up and throw it away

This summer I saved a suicide note to my desktop
And I don't know when I'll be strong enough to press delete

— The End —