I've had a handful of relationships

Along with a few lovers too

Yet I'm not fulfilled
I crave the knowledge of passion desire gut wrecking ****** awaking

I can write stories that would set you on fire and have you begging for release

I can speak on countless times
I've allowed my body to explode in an ******* haze

So what?

Yup I've said it - SO WHAT?

I wanna know what it is to loose myself in our love making to be completely submissive to my body's cravings and allow myself to be caught up in the rapture of *******!

I have so many times allowed myself to have ***

You on top or I'm on top
We'll try some new postilions
yet all the while we're doing this; I'm thinking of what to cook or did I past my finals  and/or I'm fantasying about the way it could be

Silly me I'm no **** star yet I've watched a few and "acting" as they are - it seems like they have a clue on what it means to really let one's self go

I wanna know how to do the same

I want you to talked ***** to me (ONLY when We're doing this)
Call me out my name sometimes tell me whose it is

I want to be held down tightly as you ****** deep inside
I want my mind to be there too

I want my soul to scream out when I do
I want my body to convulse and shake -without feeling judge or laughed at

it happens  because I've heard storied
Even if it's yet to happen to me I fear it can happen.

I want to  be free to explore my wild side and truly let go of all inhibitions

I wanna be devoured by you
whom ever you may be
since
I'm on my own currently
and
I have no plans to seek out a relationship

YET

I still would like to try to have a lover -
that's something I've yet to do
We always ended up in a long term relationship
or
I end up married to him

Maybe having a lover isn't for me
but the other stuff  
most definitely is all for me

I wanna be lust after and desired so much so that he's almost stalker-like for me
but
he'd be wanted
unlike the current stalker out here
bothering me

I wanna know what its like to be truly concurred
*******
stripped down and have him make me feel
so alive in and out of the bed room

I wanna know what it's like to ride his face or be turned upside down to be as I've heard it called grudge ****** until we loose all time and space
where our souls collide and we forget every single thing!

Maybe a simply relationship
that has all the benefits of lover's and we'd also be the best of friends

Guess it'll balance out some how
I want my fantasy to be my reality
Eat me lick me kiss me hard bend me flip me

put me up against the wall
**** me fast and make me cry lust  after me hurt me

but don't stop
I want hours on end
until we're spent and tired
yet
we'd take breaks
but keep it going

I know how to have *** and ***
even ****** or even at times fake it
for right now though
I just
Wanna Know!*
(is what I'm asking for too much or not realistic?)

I can't....

Can't help these feeling

consuming me as

you assume about me,

presume to understand.

Listen sweetie -


I never had a choice

I wasn't right in my thinking.

In my reasonings left us both with

unrequested guilt.

Unanswered questions , doubted,  

misguided-  non-understanding,

abandoned-  my un- abandoned disgust,

regretfully  mistaken stolen moments,

regret  deeply for not being there,

being  not there even now....


Left a ache inside

for so long-  I still cry,

I cry for myself  too though.

It hurts to loose so much

to have nothing but questions,

doubt

wondering

wonderful  bliss,  mind erased...

blissfully  -

no more thinking,

shaking crying,

blissful aint blessed when I had to forget.

don't speak or talk.. keep it in

deep inside

no one

tell no one.....

I was trapped,

taken,

thrown,


beaten & shaking.....

In my mind....

In my head- i felt no pain...

Lied to myself...  lied about you.... about me....  about "it"......  about US.

******,

*******!!!

Lying to me,  lying to you,

lying   lying    lying  

so much lying....

lying,  drowning,  dying,  lying,   crying,  lying.......

PLEASE!!!!


how can they have lied- liars lying as i laid dreaming....

demons, screaming.....

I cried, screamed, dreamed & longed for this day

Fought & still fight for this day

A day where you'd know!

Where you unsheathe that sword-

Placed-  deep in my heart, deep into my soul...

Did you know?  

Did they tell you-

who I was?  

Couldn't you of guessed?


Your eyes- my eyes


Your hand's - my hands


Your smile - my smile


Your laugh - its me!!!


I'm you

Your blood

My blood.

Didn't you notice  

didn't you see


all me in you?


I knew from the moment your face
looked deep into my face


your shape

my shape

my mirror

your mirror.

Twin yet not  - -  

Mother╰♥•♥╮ Daughter

finally:

One -  Whole

and

Together !


I Always Loved & Love You!

Dear child of mine  -

╰♥•♥╮JANNELL  ╰♥•♥╮

Always Me Ayeshah

I want to know why...

all I keep thinking about is how could you love me
so immensely;
so intensely;
so sensual;
so seductively;
so intimately,
and yet all we are is
friends!?

I want to know how can you touch me
to where my bones shake and my flesh craves you, so much so that I'd be happy to take ya last name!?

Why kiss me and put your soul into everything you do to me?

 Your spirits on a  rampage and it ran through my body like a tornado mixed with a rumbling lustful hurricane!!

My eyes watch you and what your administrations , they see every thing and my silly fickled heart lurches forth as you enter in and out of me - pounding rhythmically like African drums as you make me ******;.  


while you're kissing me; ******* me - touching my very essence with your  fingers amongst other things.

 while you're all over me and yet all we are is friends!?


More than friends with benefits and I never offered that - so how'd we end up thusly hmmmm!?

I never offered to be a FWD
Because I know my heart's  toooo precious and my body and souls toooo delicate to attempt it,

I'd be defeated before we ever got this close & this far
yet here we are
Just the two of us - me and you.

You said let's take our time and see where things go, but as it's going -
it's flowing in a different way  that I've not expected- obviously with me as ya sacrificial lamb; spread out on a mouth watering platter .

Funny thing is I'm saying NO as  I allow you to lead me down your rabbit hole;  flipping me upside down in 69 positions  and then some

My tantric- karama sutra king.

You're causing havoc on my heart and my mind
******
you're sexually destroying my inner peace because you've got me  "a'****'ed"
yes there's a compromise to be had cuz my addiction for you differs from being
A'DICKED!!! 

 I'll explain: my body wants you; my heart craves your inner beauty;  my Honeywell desire all that you give, but my mind&soul longs for a commitment!  
Can you understand & see there's a difference?

I'm speaking from my spirit.

You got me caught up, wrapped up in your swirling embrace.
You're suicide
and
heart break  
but
I can't get enough & won't let go.

The weight of your body's pressed against me - down on me as your muscles stand tight and taunt leavinf me breathless
And it feels so right like yo. you're home to me but we're just
friends!?

The ways  you say my name has me delirious  and giddy.
I light up at the sound - everytime you moan it out, shivers go through me.

Ugh see that right there - that smile, don't do it.

I watch  how you touch every part of me, from
licking my toes ,
to kissing my lips,
from ******* on my fingers,
to moving my hips,
from dipping in and out
and out and in.

That's that **** that has me trapped & tripping all over THIS
friendship & myself
and I never want it to end.

Mmman oh man you really don't know, you be making me lose control of my senses& my ******* mind!!!

Tell me how?

Tell me why!?

Why would you do this to me?

Why would you allow yourself to open yourself up as you do and be so vulnerable with me;

beautifully so, I'm sure you know the effects you have on me;
it sends me to my knees .

Babe you're my walking waking dreamlike fantasies!

I'm worried,
scared even to think of all the possibilities!

Yo you quench all my desires and solidified my dreams.
You've made almost everyone of them come true .

My cups spilling  to overflowing with your loving
Sadly not your
love

So
why you holding me so tight
so intimately and we're hugging and held up in ya house
like this!?
it's unrealistic
it'll turn explosive,
my worrying heart
says for me to stop
but
everything you do is effective & messy
yet fun which tells me maybe
I should run and never look back but didn't I tell you I'm addicted ("a'dicked").

Yo ya got that  charismatic persona,

ya shy-boyish smile drive me wild.

You're skillful I'll give you that, but why you play so hard to get when we already have what we have!?


You stroke the core of me to my spirit with your own,

As you lay deep inside me and love me down in every possible way;  you spoiled me and tamed me while letting me spoil you. Yet we're just friends huh.
So much so that ya ravish my body and you let me wreck havoc in your senses and drink in your essence.

You and I play &  tease, tasting one another but you refuse to open up to me.

I **** myself up every time you're near.
Playing this love making game with our wicked deed.  

Tell me why do you explore me like a new  toy with your mischief curiosity concurring me like a new undiscovered land
hmm & we're just friends huh!?

You have this ability to see right through me to see to the heart of me
the parts I hide and ya say I'm reserved meant only for a specific person must be you huh.

And yet you hold yourself aloft, ya hold yourself off; you keep yourself at a distant where I find myself trying to reel you in; ya not giving too much and I wonder why is that!?

How can I get around that wall,
how can I climb that fence,
how can I penetrate that space-  a place where few others have been!?

I find it funny- sadistically so, yet  I find it downright obnoxious and wicked- that you do this to me and I have no one else to blame but myself because I can say no at any time and yet when you look at me with those beautiful hazel eyes I get weak;

I melt for you & melt into You!

I fall for you and I stumble-somehow you always catch me!

ahhhhhh

All I can do is ask you why?

Why do you
do this to me!?

I'm trying so hard not to put my feelings into it; but every touch;  
every stroke;
every kiss;
every hug;
every bite and evey delicious pounding  
spins me right round back to you.

Ya massive member fills me up and I take it all even when I believe I cannot.

Look
look how good we fit
look how we mesh soul & flesh...

I can't help it- this friendship is more than I've expected.

It seems you got me- naw I got me loosing control.

*** I don't know what to think or how to feel.

**** I'm loosing it,
I'm totally confused- is this Love or is this lust!?

All I need to know is Why.

*Why me?

It was a soft kiss

which took my breath away

My eyes fluttered then closed
as the kiss
deepened

The way you've presses me to you
spoke so loud

In my head I've imagined

us walking down the aisle if only for a moment

For  this moment
In this space
as time stopped & the world stood still  

I'm in your arms  

I'm yours    I'm beautiful     I'm  desired

All  from this little
KISS

Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved

I step up to the curtains
they weren't open yet,
but I could hear the melody of the music
and
I listen curiously,
as
the man performing before me spoke,
he used words to address me as a
Afrocentric --Soultress
with a little bit of Boriqua aurora ,
I bow my head and laugh.
The curtains lift as I walk out & up
I open my mouth softly
I tells of lovers wrapped entwined entangled
as
sheets become hiding places as lips taste of honey
from valleys of lustrous milky--juices
from a our oasis
of ******* *******,
and
overflowing valleys fill to the
brink with sweets raunchiness hehehe...
I step to the right to
look at the crowd
making sure they get the effect of how he tasted
as
I hold the mic
I gentle massage it
while motioning
to a man sitting right in front,
he licks his lips
and
I then turn my head to my left
addressing
the parties sitting right up front on my left,
I speak to them of the swells of his back and how
my nails dug deep as he enter me swiftly
with his Mandingo shaft...
how his blue eyes seeped into my brown eyes
while
he drove deeper inside of my mahogany velvet box,

a women in front crossed her legs tightly
and
wiggled in her seat,
I bow my head so I don't laugh,
I watch the center crown as
I explain how he  the man with this enormous
Mandingo ****
stuffs it down my throat
and
I **** him in choking as he trys to insert it deeper,
I'm lavishing up every bit of his essence, 
 the couple in the center hold hands even tighter
and
look at each other with a shared memory.
I flow with the music softly slowly
I connect with each member of my audience,
sharing with them the way he bent me over his stool inside
his photo lab
and
kissed between my cheeks as he spread me open
and
softly fingered my ***
while using the other to finger to lavishly assault
my chocolate velvety muffin,
as
I moaned he readily spread me,
telling me as he moved in front of me saying be still,
he tied me up to this tall stool, the crowd leans in
as if ready to hear the next verse,
I give in after a moments pause,
sharing with them how he spread my legs
and
tied them right after he spread
my hands on each leg of his stool.
In his photo lab he lubed up moving his hand up
&
down
his light skinned shaft,
I watched
and
longed for him to touch me again,
the radiance crowd
sitting on my left seemed
to be thinking as I did,
"is he going to stuff his **** back inside my mouth,"
I speak again
seeing how their all
longing to know he did in fact slowly 
walk up to me, lifting my head and saying open up baby,

I did as I was told,
the man sitting in the shadows
on my left
seems
to be stroking his **** as
I proceed to explain in poetic
****** verses
of this tall
high--yellow
black man
with the
blue eyes,
he seems in tuned
so I keep speaking of how
I licked his shaft
then allowed him to slowly meticulously
push
his **** inside my mouth
and
slowly pull out again .
I tell the audience how he ***** my mouth first slowly and then like a beast, he was ready to explode I explain how he grabs the head and stops him self from *******,

I get an
"Ah'awe"
from all the men in the audience
and
I laugh..
but
continued to explain
how he didn't want to just yet...
poetically
I explain how
he wanted to ready me for his assault
on my sweet *****,
using words to describe it ;
like mahogany rose buds or petals.
Explaining
how his Mandingo shaft
would be his weapon...
They seem eager to know more,
I tell a tale of how this light skinned brotha had me tied and teased me in his photo lab,
explaining how he pulled out a ***** just
as big as
his manhood was
and
while eating me he slide it inside of me
as
I quivered and shook he'd stop,
it seemed right when I was about to ***,
he seem to laugh out loud at my misery,
he knew just what he was up to, the audience seemed to get deathly quite,
seems even the music died
as explained the rough treatment I received at the hands of this blue eyed light skinned devil
of a man,
He licked me even at timed used his fingers along with this *****,

I explained to my audience
how he stopped his assault
on me as he slide his Mandingo up and down
my *** teasing my *******
putting the tip of his head in and then taking it out,
I told them how he finally stopped for a second,
then he entered my *** with the ***** and slide his 12" ****
deep inside my ***** causing me to cry out,
I tried to stop him but my hands were tied and that of my ankles as well,

and

he moved with such force and swiftness
I couldn't utter a word,
the more he moved the more
my body betrayed me as it heated up
from the inside out as
if he ignited something new and longing within me
he moved fast and ferociously in and out of me in sync
with the enormous ***** until
I myself was begging for him not to stop,
I
poetically
spoke memories & fantasies out loud,
letting my audience
know how
I
came so close to a ****** I've never ever got to feel or come close to feeling again,
I acted as if there was more but I then kissed the mic and walked off stage ....
  
  Another
Story
perhaps
another night
&
I'll
KISS THE MIC!
Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
**All right reserved ®

Don't  
be or play  coy  
baby ;  
show me who you are,
from day
ONE,

NAHHH,

I don't
wanna
wait & find out
after the
honeymoon
faze
has worm off,

Let me see;

Show me the you in 6 months

The one & only
real
YOU.

WHO
you are
when
no one's
paying attention
YOU.

I don't want the 3 months everything is fine & cute You


The whatever you 
 like  
&
wanna please me
you.

The so eager to
spoil
me
&
shower
me
with attention 
 you,

because
this is all lovely 
 sweet
& brand new  to
YOU
type You.

Let me see you
The real you,

The I dont give a ****
YOU?

THE

I'm a  
mental wreck 
 break some ****
type you,

How about ;

The
I'm not who everyone
wants me to be
YOU,
the crazy
"Put the lotion in the basket"
  type you?

Let me see  
YOU,

THE REAL YOU

&

leave all
that
fake
courting

*******
you
AT THE DOOR

WHERE YA HUNG YA COAT!

Was dreaming that you'd come find me,
rescue me,
saving me from my self,

I wrapped the wire tight but it wasn't sturdy enough,

I tried drowning that time you seem to help,

I cut my wrist but they sewed me up.
I ate poison & got my stomach pumped out.

i tried one more time, hanging by a thread,
it ******* broke,

I then tried to love you and care for,
I also tried to devote my life to yours,

giving up my self esteem & letting you mold me.

I tried to make my imperfections less visible & tried to cover of my blemish's & flaw with concealment's & smiles.

I laughed when all I wanted to do was cry.

Was dreaming that you'd come find me,

rescue me,

saving me from myself

In the end...

Your love killed me,

I found out too late that

I never needed saving from myself

I needed saving from the thing

you claimed to do to me................


LOVE ME!

I remember the first ingredients
to our lover's brew -
desire & passion
was the basics ingredients,
He already had the spice of
"want" & a dash of "need"
copiously he trailed rainfalls of kisses
down my body.
Until he reached my valley of milk & honey,
He opened me slowly, meticulously so- placing one finger inside as his tongue danced across my *******.
Causing me to reach my hands down pulling his hair, trying to pull his head closer deeper as my body melted to him.
Contumaciously
He rejected my urgency...
reaching my hands he held both with just one of his own keeping me in place as he administered his lustful assault on my person, my mind froze as my body ****** hips first before he let go my hands then wrapping both hands around my thighs.
Holding me tightly while making me cry out his name over & over...
He knew I was ready, wet & sleek.
He's hard solid & ready but I rush to taste him he only allows me to for a second then he bends me over my *** facing his **** he doesn't enter me- he once more licks & ***** my ******* then my tongues my ***.
Causing a new sensations...
right before my body explodes he slams into me swiftly, my moan dies as my cries of more rant the morning air.
He's moving so vigorously- blending sensual amounts of harmonic tones of his own moans and whimpers in my ear as he ****** harder but oh so gentle like he was a drummer & his throbbing ****- a solid 10" hard hitting drum is now beating  in & out of me,
He was so energetic without rules or reasoning to pleasuring me so immensely he never noticed the door bell ringed..
Oh well, my legs began to shake as he holds my hips he moves in- pushing deeper,
retracting slowly then again- he slams inside of me...
from behind me he pulls my hair while his other hands is placed  on the small of my back, I'm convulsing like I'm having an epileptic reaction- my ******* rapture causes me to fall in a heap upon our bed.
These are the ingredients to our
Lover's Brew!
Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®

he said theres

nothing that feels as good as being in my arms

nothing that could take my place as he rocked me gentle


while we consummated the beginning of us-

silky smooth

skin to skin-


laughter fills this room as we play our lovers game,


soulfully i cried out a time or two yet i held my ground as he filled me

lustful bodies dance in the darkness

hands entwined as we melt together



silhouettes transforming single shadows into one

the worlds topsy turvie

spinning

as i float beyond cloud nine over &ove;; we fulfilled our bound bringing us closer


Ohh ooo umm uhhh mmmmm

so close

I felt his tears his heart beats in tune with my own

our breathing becomes rapid

while motions increase to an unheard tune only us lovers can hear

He pushes deep i open wider moving just the same dancing faster as we switch positions

front to back side to side riding harder
&
fast slowing to catch my breath slowing

as our ****** causes an eruption this wasn't supposed to happen & now that it has



I crave him constantly



I can still taste him ,

smell & feel him......

we're more then friends,
more then
just dating one another

we have a bound unlike any other & right now

I'm content with us being together........

Call us what you want but trust me when

I tell you we're so much more than

Lustrous Lovers

These silent
walls
palpitates
like echoed Doppler
heart beats
& cacophony cries
I've longed for
& yet to hear.

Entangling
sticky loosened like sinews
with a crimson rope
trailing, tied to me
a hanging noose
from genitalia to abdomen.

metaphorical blindfolded
eyes never open
mouths sealed shut,
slippery-jelly wetness
cascading from limbs
unmoving,
warm arms hold me & try hard
to calm my wails.


I feel discombobulated
in this peril of darkness
with this injustice
the savage way life's ****** away my chance
of fulfillment, the radiant glow my whole being once held
O'how my soul's been stolen away,
                                

                                             each push
                                          

                                                            * each breath
                                                      

                                                               ­                *each heart


                    breaking   pain.


It's a invisible beating,
which keeps me flailing
& screaming
as consumptive
waves mistreat
my hoarding womb
wrecking havoc
in the
  
    most brutal
way.

Unyielding
pain deep within me
White coated sleeve
red bright metallic stains.

Masked faces
& eyes who can't
match my tearful stare
sound of
regret & sympathetic
mournful apologizes-

left  me defeated
               cheated
             out of the most
important things,

which matters
        only to me.

I'm never going to be
the same
not after this
*Miscarriage

Magnolia's and black Roses
comfort me,
I lay awake as you
softly
breath low lower- fading-

wondering how
I've let you get into
my thoughts & now
once more into my bed...

tonight
I've come awake at the
touch of
your hand,
roughly you've penetrated
the core of my being...

softly a breeze stirs
from my cracked window
and the smell
waffled with your scent
lingers in this bedroom,

Black roses & sweet magnolia's...

I looked over your body too many times

Your eyelashes
I've counted each curly
one a million times,

those high check bones
I've touched & caressed until my hands went numb.

You never move and I hardly breath
thinking it's not right but Ok-
Oh how you danced
with in my Vally of seduction
and
become intoxicated  
as you dranked in my nectar- honeycomb.

I wanted you- I wanted this moment ,
I did want to love you and
in a lot of ways I do but
laying here now as I stare at your form

lifeless on my bed I feel it wasn't
just your misleading
pain & your lying games
that brought me to the breaking point...

It was the man
I finally saw who told me once..,

I am worth more!

tears of freedom
streams down my face as
I lay here watching you,

watching the slight breeze from
my cracked window shifts
the thousands of petals all around
you & all
I can do is cry with
a
simple smile on my face.

My rooms filled with the smell
of you
&
Magnolia's & Black Roses.

Always Me Ayeshah

I never known  what  you speak of


I've not obtained

what it is to sustain

a meaningful relationship


Seems I'm destiny to be alone forever


I've not grasped what it is to allow someone

to just be who they are


all I can see is my own imperfection in them


wanting them to be better

and
throw a fit when their so inadequate


more so

I'm the one whose lacking

and
fear changing


just in case they wont approve

I don't ask for validation

since
I validate myself


Isn't it still important

if we're reflections

of

  our love and relationship?


I've not yet understood this concept


since

I'm so used to doing it always on my own


with or with you.



More so with out then with...



Few have tried to show me


teach me


yet I've ran fearful of what COULD be

TOO scared afraid

I just cant be  hurt again

but no one understand that

Closed off from love so long


I've forgotten what its like

and

when I've had it


I've not known if it were real or fake.


Too many times

I've been lead to believe in the illusion

of love when it wasn't even true

How do you condemn me


when  

you've participated

in my demise to began with?



He told me we'd never part.

He too told me I was his heart.

This one said I was his only.

Another said he'd never leave me lonely!!!


Yet they've all left

weather I made it so or on their own

Too many times

I listen to a lie

yet I'm to blame

Somehow unbeknownst to me

its all ALWAYS my fault.


Til death do us part

was me dying each time he cheated

or how about them beating

I should stop blaming

and

take responsibilities for myself

for my actions

it's always someone else's fault

that

I'm how I am

but truth is it really has been

yet at my age shouldn't

I have to face facts....


I need to love me

give to me all they're unfulfilled promise's

left me longing craving needing and wanting.


Fix my own broken soul

I want to


I don't even know how


I lack the ability to move on


past the hurt

which consumes me

and yet

I want a

Meaningful Relationship*


Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present

I conflicted you,
confused you,

I never meant to
but you see baby

I'm defective from past
and
present abuse

misused,
mistreatment,
misdeeds,
misconceptions

recreated into what you
see
before you,

an
explosive mindless mess.

I should of got help

before
letting you in...
Should of
fixed me before
we began

but
you see papi

I didn't want to,
because
it'd mean
letting you go
for another to ****** up.

Ooh no
I could never have that,
so
I hide my pain-

until we fought and I blamed you
when it was never even your fault,

I tried to drown you in my anguish,

causing you
to become a beast instead of man!

took away your self-esteem
making you into what I believed

I wanted,

believed
I needed-  
to become a better me.

See papi

I thought if you did all
I asked and laid in my bed-

things from my past would cease to exist.

I thought once we became as one
you'd pick up the burden of

my broke heart mend me
and
fix what once was lost,

help me to become better even
thou
I never knew what was yet best
for me...

I let you in,
when
I was wounded
and
while war was raging in my head...

All
I needed was you
in my bed-
inside of me
pumping nothing but deceit
as we consummated
a lie,
a dream,
unrealistic fantasies
and
things that could never be
but still
I held on turning

you into -
what others have turned me to
too.

Letting you
think your the only one
when
I had him them and those three.

I could never love you
because at the end of the day
I barely *******

loved myself!
Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®

I miss You,

but there is no making you understand this,

you're parting at coffee shops,

  playing chess and into this new age internet dating

where them nasty easy girls will always win,


I've not made it easy for you

and we never really said good bye,

everyone says forget about me

and what we once were trying to be.

I wont argue or disagree, my faults are my own

and I'll never continue to allow them to consume me,

or allow the past to make belief our future couldn't have been bright.

We could of worked on us.

Dead babies borne by a misleading husband to wife.

We could of fought harder,

yet,  it was too easy for you to let go...

I've not mourned-  their loss or the loss of you,

I pretend  sad as it may be,  

that you weren't even real.

I've conjured you up in dreams long since past,

sitting looking out my window,

watching children play....

My soul cries out for what would of been ours,

a red-brown hair child looking like you and me

a girl playing with her optimistic twin  brother
as I day dream

I see your crocked smile & the eyes of what would of be our child.

I have to fake like I've never known your love,

as if your a ghost,

well seems to me it's come to this,

I hate how I still reach for you at night

and sometimes

my belly where they've used to be.

I'll hold on to the good we had

and allow myself to feel only the positive memories.

Maybe one day you'll look back fondly on us

and say its time to come home
and be my husband again.

This time we'll do things so completely different ....

reality is this is a fleeting wish a unrealistic dream.

MY UNANSWERED PRAYERS.

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present

He used to paint my nails.

He'd paint em

pinks reds and orange

he'd paint them blue

sometimes too

mostly black.

He'd make tiny daisy

flowers all around.


He used to put lipstick

on me

he'd trace my  out lip line

he'd use

black or brown liner

making them fuller

he'd tell me

they need to look fuller.


He use to dress me up

he'd get fishnet thigh highs

he'd have me step into

a mini dress

made of synthetic leather

zebra prints all around.


He'd follow with

a black tight

leather half shirt

gloves long and white

always would follow.


He use to do my hair

he'd comb front to back

for 45mins

it'd shine and glow

falling off my shoulders

cascading down my back

it almost touched my ****.


He used to put me in heels

he'd picked always the reds

I didn't like these red heels

I stood almost to his chest.


He used to tell me

to dance.

He'd say move my

hips like this

in a circular motion.


He'd say stand

  in the middle

on the dinning

room table

dance for me

he'd say
dance
for poppop.


He use to touch me

when I danced

He used to

touch himself too

I cried.


He'd become meaner

He'd say don't

make me punish you

I felt punished already.


He'd get undress

I'd cry louder

begging him not to.


He's slapped

my face

I always fell

I'd stand up

fast or he'd

hit me again.


He'd lay me on the table

keeping me trapped

in the middle

he'd fill me every night

I'd cry

He'd laugh.


*He use to paint my nails.

(until my birth father shot him)


Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®

I set out to tell you all the things I've craved
which were missing within me and my hand stopped,
my pen refuse to do what my fingers wanted...
 I couldn't scribe the words needed to express all these things,  not just out of fear
but it is because
 I sat at my desk in my study
contemplating the words I'd like to express to you and when I thought on everything I've missed before I found you I couldn't continue,
 it's because
since I've met you
nothings really missing...
I remember a time
Where  I've felt incomplete,  
so **** lonely
but since knowing you
I feel whole again.
I no longer wished to think of how I was before
I knew such loveliness
which you've brought into my life,
nor do I wish to dwell on so much of the negatives that have had me screaming with terror each night.
Much of that is gone  and I thank you for the support.
I turned in my chair at my desk and look out these big bay window,
the  suns setting and the waters splashing up onto the sandy Beach
I can see you in my minds eye...
 a nostalgic memory  dances in my head
of us
running on this strip of beach;
me in  all white  bikini top & shorts, you're in shors too no top.
You're  chasing me
my hair's blowing behind me and we're both giggling,
I didn't know you could run so fast and good thing too you've caught me,
I was getting outta breathe.,
I see you clearly in my mind
scooping me up in your arms & swinging me round and round.
We fall down and softly I land on top of you....
It was on this day I  saw everything
I've so longed to have
in your eyes ,
the love shone brightly I almost felt blind ,
I was scared to accept what you were showing & offering to me
but I held my ground
fearful as I was I took it all in and when your lips crashed over mines like a wave I felt it,
I felt everything you've ever needed to say and see it still
after all this time so vividly...
SO how can I now write to you and tell you of all the things
I've craved which were missing within me and from my life when during many of my darkest hours you've been my beacon of hope
 a shiny bright light
casting out all the darkness and fear,
holding me close
loving me tenderly,
expressing everything
I've always dreamed of and prayed for
so as
I'm at my desk  I write to you these words which I've yet to say to you ;
Yes
yes I do love you & yes
hell YES,
I'll marry you!

P.S.
I REFUSE  to allow my past hurts or all the abuse to cause us to fail & whomever hurt me back then shouldn't have validation or presidence in our
NEW Beginnings!
Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present

I woke in a panic,
a cold sweat
after all this time
I realized what was wrong
and*
I've no way to make a right what's happening...

I've  settled
out of fear of being alone,
settled
after being rejected & blatantly disrespected.

I long for the days I once had,
the life I once made,
I long for the unknown
yet I'm so afraid,

Afraid to move on
more then
what I've allowed myself to do...

I don't understand it myself
and feel so confused.

Laying awake until the next day
since
I'm always dreaming of
what we could be and have been.

I don't understand
how
I can still love you
after the devastation you've left here.

I have this notion of us
being
better than before
and moving past all the hurt...

I've even been told;
"a couple can separate for a very long time - like years and end up together."

I've thought that's what would happen for us,
but I have no trust,
You've showed
you can't be trusted,
and that's why I'm confused...

how do I still have feelings for you?  

Which I've thought I lost-- not locked away!

How is it you still can melt me to my core,
and
it's nothing there,
not for you or for me.

We've both moved on,
so how can this be?

GOD HELP ME PLEASE,

I've prayed this prayer over and over,
begging to let you go...

To forget about what once was and move on.

I've laid with another man,
took comfort in his embrace,
not even a thought of you while there,
and
I'm sure you've done almost the same,
You've hand plenty women or so I'd rather assume

Since evidently I never was enough for you

*I bet she's given
herself to you and
you've found love,
that I believe is what makes
the difference between me & you!

I have nothing left in me to give you.

Contradictions    
are
the fact that I have this
UN-abundant amount of love to give of me...
but feel I'd be crushed again
if I let in not just you- anyone.

I've pushed men away
because
I'm too scared,
so afraid...
that their going to be another you
or have similarities of you.

I can't bare the thought of being with you nor being with out you,

I refuse to allow another in to hurt me and devastate my life all over again!

I wanna wake up, I want to forget, mourn this bitterness, I need to let go of all the shoulda woulda & coulda...

what mighta been or the possibilities and all them filtered memories.

We've grown and changed and all I wanna do now is

WAKE UP FROM THIS ****** UP DREAM....
SLEEP WALKING THROUGH MY LIFE
LIKE A ROBOT DOING THINGS MECHANICALLY.

I hate what I've reduced myself to,
and for every little feeling I have towards you...

I'm always in a panic, a cold sweat...

You might come back may even come home,
oh my GOD
how I can't bare it, or you
because

You're my walking,breathing

NIGHTMARE!

*Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present

Love isn't here
right now

just my carnivorous
lust

for the
Mandingo
you're carrying
between your legs

savor this moment
and drive home
deeply in this place

a pace.

Where only you can dwell

sweet talk your lies into
my opening womb

let me succumb
to your hatred
painful thrusting rod

indulge within

a fantasy
like
world
where
only we exits

Pull me
closely
I'll straddle your hips
& thighs

feel me as

I mold
around you
like vise grips,

feel us
as
we sit in this
Karma Sutraistic
circle

my feet & heels

meeting together
and yours
meeting too

bend
my head back
as

you
suckle hard
on each ******

tantalizing me
in your
spell

lick
and
flicker
your tongue
around
again

lift me
fittingly
to
your manhood

Grab my buttocks  
move deep while
I
push downwards

meet me half way
and look into my eyes

share with me
and love on me

love in me
as
you make
stars dance
in my eyes

fulfill
me while you
pump in
then
out

hard & solid I feel you

I'm moist

wet sleek
and
longing

crazed
as
we switch up

Oh I'm
on all
fours

I'm worried
your
not as small
as
you'd assume

handle
me with care
but
dare to
be
boldly rough
with me

choke
me
as
you penetrate
me even deeper

cry out as
I just did
and
you'll move swiftly

liking the sounds my
heart shape mouth whimpers out

stifle my sounds cover my face

big hands surround
my neck stride for stride

faster as you go

I'll be crying
again
from the
heat building within

more is what
I wish to say
bit by bit

it's coming

it's almost
there

*******
my ***

loosing
control

rushing
heat

filling me up
and
I can't help it

I have to cry out

I'm dying the little death

your
scrambling
to catch me
and
leave your mark

***

No
you'll huddle over me

I'll take you
with in my lips

parted
slightly
so you'll

fit

**** my face
pull my hair

slam your ****
deep
down my throat

please
stop
finer in my little slit

I'll burst
again

faster
with
each
lick
each ****

my heads
bobbing

your
swelling

you
wont
let go of my

hair

******
no one
SAID

for yo ****

to *** in my mouth!*


Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®

I don't like what I see
when I look in the mirror
  I stand there holding myself*

Sometimes I'll place  my hands on my hips
and move from side to side
turning this way or that
grabbing at my behind
pulling it up
seeing how it'd look
if it were plumper
like them girl's in the videos

Sometimes I grab a handful of my belly
or **** it in and see how I'd look
if I could just get over this 14 year baby weight
and all the pounds
I've gained from my last few miscarriages.

I know stress plays a role
I eat when stressed
  I eat my depression and eat when sad or on my cycle
I love to eat and love food
but it's truly never been my reason for this weight
burdening me down

I lost my will to move
to walk or work out
lost my drive to fight or even speak out
I went from working and going to school
staying busy
to doing only bits here and there that I have to do

I can't  be bothered
don't even want to
I'll lay here and not move
long as I can

I've stayed in a runt for so long
I'm talking years felt so low
and haven't dug our yet
and I know for me
this depressions a killer
it's got me defeated
beaten down
so low I never wanna be loved again...

As I  stand in front of this mirror
I hate what's become of me
my pessimistic behavior
and ideology of what love should be
seems like its not meant for me
I hate looking at myself
I hate seeing my luscious curves
my ample succulent *******

I only currently
like my long hair
that goes to my shoulders
for this chocolate cocoa skin
it seems so out of place
people wonder if its a weave
and not my own
but this is all home grown
yet and still
I just like who I am as a person & represent
not my physical appearance
not only because I have a "good hair"
for a black girl
  I'm ONLY black
yet
I'm proud of my heritage
I'm black and Puerto Rican
but who cares

Funny how my shape for others
is just right
&
for me it isn't
I don't have that j.lo figured
I don't look like a Nicki Minaj
how do I look?
I um well  I look just like me
but seems I can't find someone who'd
conquered my heart
and own it
take care of it as they should....

One  day I'll get tired of my self loathing
work out
and the World
will be impressed
but not
as much as ME!
*Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present  
All right reserved

We
 were
 all we had

I gave
 it
away

I let go
 of
your hand

Now

Now
 we have

Nothing left

Bitterness
remains

On my pillows

Were your scent
used to linger

A farewell 
 long since came
In the mist
 of our sweat

Crumpled sheets
and
a stain

Nothing
 even matters
and
further more

I've not changed

I grew up

&
 realized

We stopped time

 Only for a moment
until

There was
no
Hope

Our
 Wish
wasn't fulfilled

Dreams

 turned

 nightmares

&
Prayers 

Prayers went

 unanswered

We were

all we had

&
Now

There's Nothing LEFT!
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N.

I watched as the
leaves changed
as
I change too

I felt lips slowly
caressing me
felt too
my hand wrap around
your broad shoulders
silly me
I forget my self
seem foreign accents
have a way of making me forget
or
was it in the way you kiss
which has me
loosing what senses I've got left

My body hasn't felt like
this and if t did
I doubt I'd forget

Forgotten from years ago when
someone like you during
November
held me
just like this
and
left traces of kisses
down my spine
but I messed it up
I couldn't
believe someone
like him
loved me
so yup I messed it up

Here we are
you & I
and
before we let it get too far
Just give me
what I came here for

Dance with me
our lovers dances
touch me slowly

Sensually splay
your palm on my breast
wrap your fingers in my hair
tilt my head back

Devour
my mouth with yours
as
you slide your other hand
over my plump belly
trace each stretchmarks
with your fingers

We've stopped

I pause
You look down at me
I'm panting  
your breathing heavy

You're starring intensely
at me with those  
beautiful  mesmerizing
lapis  blue eyes

mesmerizing

my breath stops
and
I'm lost within them
I can't even look away

You stand up
towering over me  
still gazing at me
with such
longing
as if
I'm the only one in the
world

I can't take it anymore
but
before I drop my gaze you scoop me up
into your arms

No words have been spoken but I know whats to come
We've been taunting and teasing one another for
days weeks and months

*Pressing our bodies up against one another
every time we got together

May's long gone and
after waiting from then
til November

Seven months
hmm
one of us is about to be in trouble
&
I think it's me

Time passes
and
all we're doing is clinging to one another
the air between us
is electric

We did this to each other
we've allowed it
to build up
so much and now
the moments here

I'm nervous

it's been such a long long time

Effortless you hold my weight
up in the air within your arms
my legs
automatically
wrap around
your thick masculine waist

I wish I knew
how you did it
stripping my clothes and yours

honestly  
I can't remember
how we ended up
undressed

All I remember
is
your administrations
to my person
&
how you
*kissed    licked  ******
almost every part of me

so delicately
so sensually
&
how your fingers
played with me

melting me from the inside out
and
how your
massive manhood
stretched me
as
you continued
your
delicious assault

UMMM

I haven't called you since
I haven't replied to your texts
It's not easy for me
but you'll not understand

I'm no good for you
I hurt those who seem to
genuinely care for me

Specially men
I've not had good
experiences with em

So when you
come as you are
with those
beautiful lapis blue eyes

I know
I'd get lost in you

lost
in what
we could of been
No could
not
of been
or
ever be again

because
I'd be a shell of myself

I'd find somehow
some way to
**** it up

I doubt you can relate
because
you don't
understand
but
trust me

I've seen
what you were
* asking*
without words
ever being spoken

So before
we go there
I'd rather not

Let's end it
as we did
and
PLEASE*
remember
we'll always have
**November

I'm not obligated to you,
I don't owe you anything, not no mo &
not when for years you've made sure to
exclude me and treat strangers
far better than you'd do me,
your impressed by your entourage
&

groupies
                    
                             but if they knew
                                              
                                                                             you like me maybe they'd see
                                                                      
                                                the ******* hiding underneath.

                                                                                  Just maybe huh...
Yo you talk a lot of ****

but what do you have to show after
spending on these little old *** man--looking women.

Blaming me,
when your caught out & stuck...

I swear son these
"Fee'males"  
make it hard for rest of us females,
take note girl and realize his money don't impress me.
I knew this motha ***** when he ain't have a dime
or any type of game,
your the only one in line
trying to be what I once was- his everything,
the chef,the lawyer,
his counselor, budget keeper,
clothes mending,
dish washing *** machine -house keeper,
his baby maker,
& forever attending to his every waking need,
his bread winner,
I'm the chick, the queen-bee,
girl the only one that ever held him down,
I'm the one whose made sure
he was clothe, feed & never broke
Yo you think I'm the joke?

Trick please,
just for your
assumptions & blatant disrespect,
I'll always be better than you!

                                                              These men are so funny

                                                                                      and these uneducated
                                      
                                   so called women too.

Who in there right mind
would assume they now my life
or that of the relationship I was in,
***** don't attempt to answer,
that was rhetorical
there ain't no way you can ever know
&
I don't give a **** what's been told you
specifically&especially; by
him.

Of course he'll lie to you that's the only thing he knows,
I'm laughing hard at you though cause
your stupid too, for believing his sorry excuse.

No good gold-digging man whom you've seen
me do everything for,
no need to listen to him when
the evidence been right in front of you,
but your cheap&looking; to score,
She thought to take from my children,
stupid *****,
I think not,
because everything he's got
it because of me.
I made and gave to him
except the man he pretends,
I can't claim the fake ******* he doing with you,
***** please
that's all him,
an adulterous
looking for you to give to him what I used to
and you keep looking to me for answers
well my advise to you- get back on your knees,
kiss my *** actually never mind
who knows what diseases
are on your lips.

My advise to him,
be careful who you play games with
and watch who you lay down with too,
I got a life which no longer involves you,
my kids will be fine,
so baby boy *******
**** yo own ****
cuz
from here on out I don't owe you a **** thing,
I don't forgive you
but I'll forgive myself
for trusting in ya word and the vows we had left...



I'll forgive me

                           for ever loving you,
            
                          for the pain I let you cause me
                                
                                     not to mention the pain

                                                           ­                      I let myself feel
                  
                                         ­           for falling for
      
                              the wrong ******* dude.



                                  But

               ­                          from here on out
                    
                           I'm sailing my ship far the **** away
                            
      and taking my kids too,
                                    
             because after all your lies,
        
affairs& every kinds of abuse
                          
           I'm no longer
                          
  Obligated to You.


*Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®

I don't know if your
good for me,
I don't even know yet
if I want this or not.

I been feeling mixed up...
Been thinking too- what "if"
I'm making the wrong
choice in choosing you?

How can I risk
oh so much with you?

Is it right for me to want this- yet
I know in some ways
your
tainted?

I got feelings that scream
yes
but other beg me not to,

yet when
I see you, hold you and feel you
I lose all my thought process.

I look for the impossible in you
or so it seems to me.

Give up or stay- work this out
or let you go your own way?  

I don't know what I'm pose to do
but I do know that at this point in time

I'll be taking us

one second,

one minute, one hour,

one day & one step at a time!

Always Me Ayeshah

On my knees

once again

*I'm calling out for answers to questions  
a helping hand

I don't even know what to say

It's been sucha long time

sense
I've asked for anything
for myself

What I'm asking for is simple

All I request is peace

Heal me and allow me to live again

Not be fearful of the
"what ifs"

Let this time be worthwhile

Where I'll have
honesty 
 love & devotion

Loyalties a must
without it there's no trust

I come calling on you

begging for understanding
  &
forgiveness

GOD please

*I'm calling on you & only you can save me

help me

reach out & teach me

Please hear me
as
I bend my head and pray

On My Knees
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved