I counted  the clock
as I watched the small hand slowly tick by

I stared off into space
as I watched the weather change from sunny to Grey-
blurring my vision as my mind drifted away...

Something in the air told me to be still-  listen & wait

but if I'd of known on this day
you'd do the unthinkable so intangibly-
I well I don't know what I'd of done....

I haven't eaten since you left
I hardly slept since I found you gone...

Hard to think as I sit at my dinning table
watching out my bay window as children laugh & play.

I heard a dog bark and watched a girl playing with her hula-hoop

I sit as tears run down my face thinking are you eating are you safe?

Why now would you think to leave
when everything you wanted
is right in front of you?

Is that person you ran to worth
the pain your causing me?

What can you be thinking ?

As I sit hear with my elbows on this table,
head bent low & my hands in my hair.

I hear a knock & my heart skips a beat, butterflies flutter in the pit of my stomach...

That lil girl with her hula-hoop tapped my window and smiles (I thought it was you)


I smile right back but all  I see is you- in my mind
I see you with your tiny hands, your wrapped in blankets,
leaves of many colors  fall down from above as we sat in  Elizabeth Park
me reading  Winnie The Pooh  to you.

You at about 2- running with your very first kite  
saying looky momma look "it fly'ing"...

As you ran you tripped stubbled & fell  sadly your kite flew away...
I chases it but I couldn't reach it in time....
You look up with tears & it breaks my heart I didn't catch your kite
so I cry too and you say to me momma it OK.

I see in my mind you  at 4 laughing with your sister - you both hold hand
twirling round & round in circles   until you fall down giggling all the while.

I wonder where is that smile of yours now?

Where's the laughter & feelings you had way back then?

My tears are overflow- spilling on this dinning table...

I look up and watch
the tiny red hand on the clock tick, tick, tick on by,
it's the only sound in my house.

Your sisters outside playing with their friends
as  I sit watching out the window& all I see is the many blended
children whom now look all
like you- running, laughing, playing...

Being free to be them selves & all I can do is long to have you home for once.
No picture is gonna help
because you've left me watching, waiting once more,
I  been here all this time doing what I seem to continuously do which is
Watch As Time Flys By!
Always Me Ayeshah

He used to paint my nails.

He'd paint em

pinks reds and orange

he'd paint them blue

sometimes too

mostly black.

He'd make tiny daisy

flowers all around.


He used to put lipstick

on me

he'd trace my  out lip line

he'd use

black or brown liner

making them fuller

he'd tell me

they need to look fuller.


He use to dress me up

he'd get fishnet thigh highs

he'd have me step into

a mini dress

made of synthetic leather

zebra prints all around.


He'd follow with

a black tight

leather half shirt

gloves long and white

always would follow.


He use to do my hair

he'd comb front to back

for 45mins

it'd shine and glow

falling off my shoulders

cascading down my back

it almost touched my ****.


He used to put me in heels

he'd picked always the reds

I didn't like these red heels

I stood almost to his chest.


He used to tell me

to dance.

He'd say move my

hips like this

in a circular motion.


He'd say stand

  in the middle

on the dinning

room table

dance for me

he'd say
dance
for poppop.


He use to touch me

when I danced

He used to

touch himself too

I cried.


He'd become meaner

He'd say don't

make me punish you

I felt punished already.


He'd get undress

I'd cry louder

begging him not to.


He's slapped

my face

I always fell

I'd stand up

fast or he'd

hit me again.


He'd lay me on the table

keeping me trapped

in the middle

he'd fill me every night

I'd cry

He'd laugh.


*He use to paint my nails.

(until my birth father shot him)


Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®

Stroke me right there
contort imagery
from my
salacious mind
and make it reality
I have a need
to be tamed
controlled

So dominate me

bend me over

pull my hair

slide fast & swift

deep inside me...

I've harbor
so many fantasies
of us
Of  your wicked body

dreamed of you
desecrating my body

The way your eyes
bore into mines
has me longing
for you to devour me


I sit on the bed
and watch you slowly undress
trying to hold my composure
all the wile
in my head


I've already ripped off your shirt

and unzipped your pants

I don't wish for love making tonight

just give me a royal hard lust-felt

****


You're done and guess it's my turn

but there really isn't anything to take off

I've dressed just for you

in my baby blue sheer teddy

with matching thong garter belts

that clamps to my sheer thigh-high stockings

equipped with heels

I like how you've bent your head
causing me to look up
love how you bite your lower lip
right before you cover mines
with yours

I can feel you sink
on to the bed
knee bent between my legs
Your hands move
slowly up my thigh


Our kiss never broken

I like where this is going

keep touching me right there

rubbing circles around my sensual bud

as your fingers dance in and slowly out

of my unfolding flower

Rhythmically
stroking my desire
I'll not stop you
I feel like I'm on fire
keep kissing me
touch me here
gripe my supple *******
I can't help moaning


I've dreamed this for so long

here we are engross and entwined

your hands move to my buttock

Lifting me and pulling me toward you

Oh my

I wasn't ready  for such a swift assault

or your massive engorged manhood

enter with out any hesitation*

I feel dizzy
from the
pure animal-like
lust
that's taken over me

I Love how you've made
my mind cease
the thoughts of us

You're more than
what I've bargained for
as you move deeply
with long strokes

My legs automatically
wrap around your tone waist
I can't stop myself


I move in sync with you

all the wile my moans become wails
the deeper you penetrate me

We move like a dance as you go out
I move as you do
when you crash hard within
I meet you match for stroke
I'm overwhelmed and about to burst
it's a bit too much to handle

Oh how did you flip me over
putting me on my knees
so effortlessly


Pulling my hair
you've re-entered
and its all
I can do
not to reach behind me
and push you away but
You've caught
my wrist
and pound even more
harder & faster

While using your other hand

you reach in front of me

playing with my ***** bud

causing havoc on me


I'm drowning in desire

longing for release

quick as a flash

it's coming in waves

I cry out your name

and you let me fall

on to my stomach

asking if

I've had enough

give me a sec

and will go again

but right now

baby*

YOU WIN!
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present  
All right reserved

Tonight I felt loved like I've long since forgot existed,

It's been, it seems, like ages,
(10 years,8 months,2 weeks,4 days,12 hours,32 minutes,and 18sec!)

Since, since I've felt this or allowed myself  feel acceptance, or to allow my heart to fill up.

To be cherished even....

Tonight you slowly took your time...

You've given to me, it'd seem the missing pieces I've been needing...

I watched you watching me, as you'd listen to my history and without ever judging you've allowed a bridge to start being built.

You see long ago I knocked one down and I put up walls, I even made a levy in the hopes that no one would attempt crossing again to concur than once more destroy my heart and that of my trust, but tonight....

Oh tonight you listen, asked question's.

Purely from a longing to know me and not just about me,

but how I've come to be who I currently am...

I felt almost whole.

I was it seems, very in tuned with you,

as you shared your history with me, allowing me into a world of worlds,

I've only dreamed of.

Far away lands, I've only read in romance novels.

Yet you've actually lived it.

The magic I held of your homelands, never went away or filtered as you shared the ups and downs of your life and history... it's only made you that more enchanting to me.

It made me that more willing to share myself with you too.

Knowing of your trial and the burdens you too had faced made you seem even more real but still so very enchanting to me.

Oh tonight, you metaphorically sung to my soul and caressed my heart with the amount of trust and love you've encased around me.

After the hours past and each of us shared our history along with sob stories it seems we  solidified what we already knew; a bound not just of friends for life but it became more...

We have had this love for one another but the magnitude of us seem so over whelming as night became morning, you held me tight in your embrace, stroking my back and caressing my hair, expression the need for me to forever be with you and give to you all of me.

Mind ,soul,Heart, and body.

Spiritual love and acceptance all the days of what would be US.

You loved me, with each stroke, with each touch, with each word and syllable, with each caress, you've loved me.

I felt us joining, felt this morning- the bound we made turning into more than us becoming lovers or friends, as if you took me to wife and I've taken you as husband.

I feel foolish to even say such a thing,  because you know how it is at the present and i'ts so sorry I feel every time I leave.

Once here,  laying in bed, I think of all we've shared and things we given word to.

No one else even knows in such a short time we've consummated the idea's of US being everything we failed obtain from previous relationships.... of becoming more nor what it'll all now mean..,  I think of the tenderness you've engulfed all around me along with this shield of your protection, of your love.

Which shines brighter than a lighthouse or any other beacons.

I unthinkably touch myself,  automatically where your fingers have lingered on my skin, where your lips have traced, I find myself this morning longing for you to be with me.

Once more holding me to you as we semi sleep, I can still feel your movements as my body matched you stroke for stroke, and in awe plus yearning I let out a sigh.

I'm at peace.

With you I am home....  Yet right now my dilemma's a skinny yet hefty arm, which holds me firmly...  It feels so foreign to me now, the weight feels awards, as you know this is the same arm that's been holding another and made it a point caste me aside.

For this new assault, this new kind of manipulation(s) I feel a bit sick.

More disappointing too, knowing that it's not you.

I feel dishearten to be laying here thinking of the wonders we shared and to me I need not ever justify this love we've wrought...  yet laying here with him makes me feel sorry for our situation, It makes me feel more sorry for you.

To be placed in this as it is,  after we've cultivated this bound, this love so pure and so true.

A stark contrast to my mistreatment's by said same person & person(s) plus that of your abuse too...

I am scared and feeling very inadequate too.

I need you, and need us.

I'm vulnerable yet I wont falter on what we're allowing to take shape,  to root.

I also wont allow those roots to ever be dug up...  this is now our turn, our time.

This wont be our ending and no shame comes to me when it's about you,

about us becoming
WE!


Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®

Good girl's don't tell,
You should do as I say & not as I do.

Mama said
respect my elders so respectfully
I'll lay here and not make a sound.

You've told me
God
rewards good girls when they obey their parents and being my foster parent I must do as

God

tells me so obey you I do,
I brush my teeth and let you brush my hair,
you lift a trestle
to your nose ,
smell deeply then brush my hair some more.

I must be a sacrificial lamb and let your will be done.

The pink lace type  nightgown fits me a bit big, the perfume makes me
sneeze
- -
ahchoo ahchoo
I don't like the rouge on my cheeks and this light brown powdery stuff
smell like old women and itches,
but
I smile cause it hides the swelling purplish bruises
on my eye and right cheek.

It also makes me feel so beautiful,
specially cause of  the look in your eyes,
I know that
You

like how I look from
the smirk on your face.

I sit down as you've instructed,
watching you as you go to the door
locking it,
I don't know what to think or how you feel
but you tell me that
I'm special,
magically so and you'd die
if you can't have me.

I don't know what you mean
still
I come up to you and rub your back.

It  always worked
when my
Nana
did this to me,
giving me comfort as any good parent should.

You on the other hand
hold

me and tell me I am so lovely
Yet your
not accepting the
father/ daughter comforts I wish to give you.

My naivete's got you looking at me
strangely
and in this fortress- locked room you take it upon yourself
to demonstrate just what I truly mean to you ,
you kiss,
you  kiss my lips
, touch my chest,
sliding your hand down
my
underdeveloped
body
with a hunger in your eyes of which
I can't place,
I'm frighten and worried
yet you tell  me
to relax and lay on the bed,
repeating to me  that
Good Girl's Don't Tell.*


Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®

I woke up to screams, so loudly and piercing I felt my heart stop

and seems as if it leaped out of my body,

I kept hearing it

and it seemed to get louder & louder,

a beautiful siren's hollow cries

and wails calling from the unknown darkest places

I've longs to forget

and in the mist of the midnight those screams

haunted me awake,

I felt chills

and fear like never before, it got closer louder even still

and my whole being froze,

I can feel the blood in me go cold and as dark

as I am I'm sure I was a ghostly white

when I felt another's present

and those screams seems to go on forever,

I couldn't open my eyes,

I was to afraid to see what might come next,

at best

I thought whatever it was it'd get me,

I hide under the blankets and seems the screams followed me,

I jumped outta bed with my eyes closed

and

pressed myself against the walls,

I tried

oh how I tried to call out but

the problem

was it was

I the one

letting out this uncontrollable

SCREAM!

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©

I wanna be done with you
say mean words & hurt you...

I wanna run from you
  so fast until my lungs & legs hurt...

I wanna derail you
like two trains on a collision & only I'm the
surviving victim

I wanna beat you
make your face contort with pain
bash in your skull & hatch at ya brain
I wanna never know you again
not in a million years

I wanna feel pleased to the point of ******
as I watch you suffocate
& I ******* painfully
as
you've done countless times to me

I wanna make you bleed
& promise like you
it'll on hurt for a lil bit
then bend you
bind you while sticking it roughly in

I wanna get my fill of you
& have you beg me to stop

Then allow all my foster siblings
join in

Maybe then
you'd know what it's like for
a  child to forcefully
loose!
their innocents
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved

Come to me,
*** with me.
fall into lust
as our
love consumes us,
let me ride you...
Like
tidal-waves
you crash into to me...
Gently
so gently
your filling me,
filling me
until I cry out
begging you to stop
yet
wanting so much more.
*** for me,
come to me.
Holding on,
holding me
tight
mmhmm
tighter...
The
weight of you
all on me
has
me feeling
so
protective,
loved, cherished,
treasured,
accepted
and
so wanted...
Come to me,
*** with me.
Your
kisses trailing
over my body
making me dizzy
leaving me breathless..
*** for me,
come to me.
I
yearned for you too long now,
my body's calling
for more
and
my hungers overflowing.
*** with me,
come to me.
Open
me and play within
like
hide and seek,
the keys deep within.
Kiss me
here-  slide farther....
now kiss me there.
*** for me,
come to me.
I
have a notion to pretend,
role play
and
change this tryst into a romantic
randevú.
I need you.
I'm  begging you
Please
I'm
longing
and
wanting
you....
Meet
me in our bedroom.
let's
retrace our steps,
repeat
what's
recently transpired-
Come to me
*** for me!
Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®

Too hard
trying to
be friends with you is an emotional attachment that
I don't need

Especially since we were meant for something special

You told me oncr
You couldn't love me
the way you love me and go from
that  to just being my friend
I now agree

I didn't understand it then

because

I didn't love you the same way and now that
I've gotten to know you better

I got  to see what it's really about.

It's sad to say
I let you go
when
I should have
held on...

but I can relate to you now!

I can't love you
the way you need and or the way you do.
I can't
plus I refuse to be so close to you and turn from being lovers to only
  being your friend again!

After everything we've been through
the best thing for us to do
is just move on; move it along

Replace each other with the comforts of knowing-what could have been.

Pretend with someone else that they are who we are meant to have;  instead of it being you or it being me.

It's sad that you're gone and I miss you

but I thank you for all the greatness that you gave me;
all the mystery; all the adventures the losses and the lust-felt loving, touching and caressing ...

The education on how to treat somebody right ; on how to laugh when you want to cry; in how to to find joy and pleasure in all the little things that we normally take for granted!

I just want to say thank you

I appreciate everything you tried to do and have done for me.

It's been awhile since I wrote down anything;  because every time I do, it's always about my misery.

Today; I smile, and I have so much joy in my heart, because;  you're happy, therefore I'm happy;  because you're loved

I'm jouful, because somebody else can appreciate you the way I never really was able to.

I see the smile on your face and I see that light your eyes.

For today I'm content knowing someone else has made you completely and utterly happy!

Acceptance is overrated when being a Mommy is even better then popularizes falsehood&superficial; non-importance personal gain! or a daddy either way



whats gain if you gain nothing  in life and if being a parent aint for you well good for you





this is to those who get down and ***** and do the right thing everyday for OUR BABIES from not yet born to 100 yrs old & GONE!



Acceptance is overrated when being a Mommy is even better then popularizes falsehood&superficial; non-importance personal gain! or a daddy either way



I gain  kisses and paid in hugs, I gain wisdom from tiny fingers smudged in finger paints,





I have knowledge beyond my or their years from tears cuz of boboo's + shrieking laughter



&  bedtime stories,



smile of chocolate face kisses & warm S'more sticky fingers covered in blankets of hair,





sleeping on my pillows in an over crowded bed of baby limbs, hands & feet from the tallest & oldest to the youngest  or shortest .





From the I went ***** by my self to day... to the I fell off my bike ,





to the I can do all by my self mommy to the I'm going out with friends mommy,

from the can I have 50 cent to the 18 yrs old can I borrow ya car & get 50 dollar's



watch each close their pretty brown eyes as my pillow and room becomes theirs  as  we fall asleep to nick at night



(little bear or Hey it's Franklin  )

and I'm kicked to the floor in my sleep !



{EVEN THREW THE STRIFE AND STRUGGLES OF MOTHER HOOD I'DNEVER REGRET
MY CHOICE TO GIVE BIRTH TO EACH & EVERYONE OF MY BABIES~~
YOUR WHATS IMPORTANT TO ME & MY WORLD/LIFE & I TY FOR MAKING IT SO MUCH BETTER!}


THIS  MOMMA MAKES BEAUTIFUL BABIES!
ALWAYS ME LOVE YA MOMMA AYESHAH K.K.C.N. LOPEZ!

Your looking for an answer
baby trust me,
he hardly means anything to me now,
with all his hurtful words
and his continuous
putting me down,
what me & him once had doesn't
compare to whats become of us.

You looking for an answer to my past
so I suggest you leave it & him there.

He claimed he wanted friendship,
you were right next to me listening when he said this.

Later as I've told you he tried asking for more,
lied with the so called friendship
but once the truth was out I left him alone.

You know what I'm looking for know too
that I've been dealt a bad hand
and I'm working on myself.

Your pondering  what my next steps may be
and I'm telling you
  I'm taking things day by day,
not rushing
because the last thing
I wish to do is loose our friendship.

You've become a part of me,
a part I refuse to allow anyone else
to come between,
I know you'd fight for me
and
why I'm explaining
that there is no need,
no reason to doubt because
our bound can only
be broken by
you or me.

I love the way you
make me feel,
how you've made me
secure in more ways
then one & how your
  protective of my children,
I love how you listen to me
and how you deal with
my personality disorder
never making fun of me
or of them,
how  you try to tell me jokes
when I'm crying
and
how very patient you've been,
while I'm healing & getting over him,
never over-bearing or pushy,
you've yet to say
one bad thing about me
and I know how you feel,
you know too that it's
been a climb up
heal.

I wont ever ask
you to wait for me
or
to be ready or ask you to go either,
so the answer to your question is
you need to do what is best for you.*

Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1990-Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®

I gots
my hair wrap on,

b'cuz

I
just finished

doing/sewing in
my  own
weave.

Did my own nails
and feet
too.

I got too many
mouths to feed


Ain't got time to go
to a shop.


He's
staring at me
tonight.

I got on
my cut off sweats
and
my tank-top.

I watch him too
as
I walk to the kitchen....

I stop
&
focus on my task...


Bacon ,eggs, bread

and

homemade orange juice.


I look over again

and

I noticed the look
on his face,
as
I reach
for
2 eggs...

He stands up
&
walks over to me....

Looking at him
as
he approaches
sends shivers
down my spine,


I unwind- reminded
of this mornings event.
He wants to touch me

but
drops
his hand

and

the tears
that
start to role down
my face
leaves me feeling dazed.
Crazed!

I walk past him
and
smell
the pan burning.

Burning
away my

uncried
wales....

The pain

The hurt

The deeds been
done.


This morning

I felt new beginnings
while life swept away....

Unforgiving.

It's 8pm
time to go to bed,
sleep eludes me
as
I star blankly
up at this movie,

I allow.......
Him
to cook and finish
what
I started.

He's watching me again.

I want to pretend that
I don't notice
but
my voice
get choked
as
I tell him
I did what

to
me is unforgiven.

He
tells me I'm sorry,
it's for the best.
I cry out
No
it's just best for YOU!
....
O'PLEASE

forgive me

if I don't believe you.
I throw my wedding ring
at him
saying

I no longer want it!!!

NO......Not
after this morning.
I feel my *******
getting wet,
It's not what you think..

&
I know its time
to
change
my **** pad,

He
looks at me as
I run to the
bathroom.........

I'm sitting
here
on a toilet
as
he's
repeating
his plea
to forget
&
forgive.


It's now
8:48 pm

I wash up
&
come out....

I tell him
I loved you
But.......
To
abort
his seed,
my eggs
"I"
can
never
be..........

Forgiven!

Always Me Ayeshah


Copyright © Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved

You're walking out, I try not to think so negatively but with all the things going on, I feel I have to be cautious, so I watch.

*Lucky for me I can look out my windows and see you standing there, I hope its a comfort for you to know I'm here and always will be.

From your 1st step, to your 1st words and even your 1st day home from the hospital in your preemies outfit I've watched, and sometimes held my breath fearful to let you go....

Now 14 years have past..  
(We have many more to come).

Today I sat looking out my window on my bed, watching you,
I remember how many times I held your little hands in mines and often on those occasion I'd have to reluctantly let you go, allow you to grow and let you do it all on your own.

The 1st time you fell off your bike, skinned your knee's from your roller blades, and  fell off a swing, I helped you up yet you've always made sure I'd let go of your hand so you could try again...

Reluctantly I'd let go, watchful even afraid at times but watching you today waiting for your bus to take you to summer school, I see the lesson's I've taught you implemented in all you do.

As you look both ways before crossing the street,  from our home to get on your bus,

I become nostalgic...

Thinking back to your 1st day of school, a single tear streams down my cheek, while Reluctantly;

you're standing next to me, asking when will the bus come, *

"how long is 10 minutes"  

and the look in your beautiful brown eyes once you have to get on,
you say ma can you come with me please...

Reluctantly once
more I say no, and have to let go of your hand...

You smile that lovely bright pretty smile and say;

"It's OK ma I will see you here when I get off the bus right?"

I just nod too choked up to voice myself.
Starr,
you've grown onto a wonderful young lady & as I've watched your 1st crush and heart breaks.

*I thank you for allowing me to comfort you plus for you

holding my hand*  

* through these 14 years.

Your strong, beautiful, smart, funny, and have shown me I sometimes need to let go more often.

*You might be ready, but mommy's not...

Not just yet,

so holding my hand-- a minute longer or bit more than you have to, is greatly appreciated,  remember if and when you need me, I'll be here ...

Whenever those times come for you do it all on your own,
I'm sure you're completely capable,
but I'll still be right here for you...

  And I'll watch!

*Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©

UGH

Freaking really

Like you asked for it
and
as
we're
getting into the mood

You seem to be rushing things
I assume it's going to be good

Kids at the pool
and
you already  
know
how I do

You say you like it when
I tell you
take ya
clothes off
Yeah
I'm sure you do

but

ugh

for real

What's got in to you
You're rushing me it seems
It's not been that long

Slow down
Hold on
Undress me
first of all
Touch me
and
take your
**** time

I don't wanna ****
I want you to do it right
all night
if
we must
but
UGH

You're
groping and grabbing
You're being
all rough
I'd like to be teased
slowly please

Touch me
and
slide a finger in
maybe two
Get me in the ****
mood
Yet it's just
ugh
here you go

Racing to finish
and
we've yet to began
I don't want to say anything
cuz
it'll cause a fight
and
all
I long for is
multiple *******

You're leaning in
with that crooked grin
and
I'm thinking of ways
to make sure
I get licked

Something you
claim you love to do
but
guess not
right now
huh
boo

Seems you're
playing
I'm annoyed
and
ready to get it over with
You've hurried up
and
undress
yet
you've forgot
about me

I liked it
when last we did this
You took me slowly
but deep
and
you undressed me

Yet right now
doesn't seem
at all like
the last time

You rushed in
and
seems you can't find my spot
probably
dried the hell up
cuz
you're in such
a
rush

Well here we go
I'm sure it'll be worth it
most times
it normally is

Remember
when we went out salsa dancing
then went back to your house
your roommates
claimed I was being to loud

This isn't a time like that
matter of fact
this seems like a nightmare
it's 6 pm
the suns still out

I close my eyes as you finally find my spot
You're moving in and out
I'm so frustrated
I can't even enjoy
It's not feeling good
it's hurting
and I'm counting down the time

It's sad for us both
Your enjoying whats going on
and I'm waiting for you to be done
Fake moaning all the wile
yet inside my head

I'm trying hard to get into it
trying hard to enjoy it
I'm starting to get wet
and feeling good now
I peek out at you
and
I see you're
so into what we're doing
It's 6:15 pm

Your face changes
and I'm like oh ****
I try not to think of what is soon to come
I focus on the pleasure of what's being done
I'm getting closer to ******
I feel it building up

I'm ready
and I'm sure well erupt together
It's 6:20 pm
Um
UGHHHHHHHHH

NOPE!
you came and I didn't
Like
wow
*******
REALLY?!!?!
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved

He stroked my cheek and caressed my back,



looking deep into my eyes.





I felt the heat between us ignite.....



We rushed head long into to this romance....



Silly me for not stomping on the breaks....



He touched me softly slowly as he positioned me to fit his throbbing manhood.



My mind screamed yes as my heart floated above me..



He  was skillful in seduction,



doing everything yet hardly anything to cause me to fall prey to his ministrations.



As he moved in me deeply I felt something within us changing,



something to this day I can't name.



I became his yet he drifted away,



was it what we were doing that had him pulling back as I held on?



We moved as one yet his soul seemed to dance away from me as his spirit teased me..





He had said it to me long ago but this night as we made our self belong to each other



I knew he meant it when he told me He loves me and only me,



moving in and out of me holding me so tight.



His breath on my neck as my cries fade& become muffled his chest.





Faster and faster yet he never stops caressing me touching me.....



He flips me over on my stomach opening my wet bx entering swiftly my body tenses and I moan into the pillow.



We're no longer making love



his is war & it seems our bodies the battle field as we slammed and mash together.



More and more the heat rises between us and he pulls me closer, holding so tight as I scratch his back and succumb to his will.



As my body floats away



all is erased and I come down from my ****** .......



Reality is :



He loves the physical of us but does he love US as a whole?





I'm laying here after the battle is won by him & he's done with me.



He  leaves me to go play Xbox  or maybe with "her" box & I can't help but think. ...



What'll happen when I finally confront him....



Laying my wants & NEEDS  for us out on the table



but he stay out & I fall asleep.



Trust me.................................



This Isn't OVER!





ALWAYS ME AYESHAH

Love isn't here
right now

just my carnivorous
lust

for the
Mandingo
you're carrying
between your legs

savor this moment
and drive home
deeply in this place

a pace.

Where only you can dwell

sweet talk your lies into
my opening womb

let me succumb
to your hatred
painful thrusting rod

indulge within

a fantasy
like
world
where
only we exits

Pull me
closely
I'll straddle your hips
& thighs

feel me as

I mold
around you
like vise grips,

feel us
as
we sit in this
Karma Sutraistic
circle

my feet & heels

meeting together
and yours
meeting too

bend
my head back
as

you
suckle hard
on each ******

tantalizing me
in your
spell

lick
and
flicker
your tongue
around
again

lift me
fittingly
to
your manhood

Grab my buttocks  
move deep while
I
push downwards

meet me half way
and look into my eyes

share with me
and love on me

love in me
as
you make
stars dance
in my eyes

fulfill
me while you
pump in
then
out

hard & solid I feel you

I'm moist

wet sleek
and
longing

crazed
as
we switch up

Oh I'm
on all
fours

I'm worried
your
not as small
as
you'd assume

handle
me with care
but
dare to
be
boldly rough
with me

choke
me
as
you penetrate
me even deeper

cry out as
I just did
and
you'll move swiftly

liking the sounds my
heart shape mouth whimpers out

stifle my sounds cover my face

big hands surround
my neck stride for stride

faster as you go

I'll be crying
again
from the
heat building within

more is what
I wish to say
bit by bit

it's coming

it's almost
there

*******
my ***

loosing
control

rushing
heat

filling me up
and
I can't help it

I have to cry out

I'm dying the little death

your
scrambling
to catch me
and
leave your mark

***

No
you'll huddle over me

I'll take you
with in my lips

parted
slightly
so you'll

fit

**** my face
pull my hair

slam your ****
deep
down my throat

please
stop
finer in my little slit

I'll burst
again

faster
with
each
lick
each ****

my heads
bobbing

your
swelling

you
wont
let go of my

hair

******
no one
SAID

for yo ****

to *** in my mouth!*


Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®

Baby hear me out please,

I want to say something to you:
I'm in love with you,

I'm holding hope up and wishing you'd grab the rope...

Let me be the one........

I want to commit to you,

live & die- - growing old
with you

but your too scarred to see..

As soon as I confessed loving you..,

It seemed you shut down.....,

Physically your still there

But you mentally went some where..

Your hiding your soul

and

I can't bare climbing over  

the walls you made....

Trying to reach

what seems impossible,



NO NOT THESE ONES YOU BUILT

there to high to reach

I'm ah fall
&I; hope you catch me....

Being with you..

It's like medicine for my heart & food to my soul.

You left it up,
from the moment I met you,

I felt a power tugging on my strings-
emotions,

mental & oh so many other things,

you got me monopolizing your time.....

Your too scared to take whats being given,

so I let you take this love thing real slowly...

Like

when I told you ;

I'm falling for you ; I meant to say...

I'm deeply in love with ya ways & how you treat me

always the gentleman,

Never wanting to be anything but!

I like the "****" in you,

that comes out in the bed room,

I like the way you speak to me
and

OUR

conversations make me completely

"Aware" - - of your smell

(OOH YOU SMELL SO GOOD)

You give me a rush '
your endorphins ; causing me weakness

An intoxicating feelings

taking over my senses...

My GOD you just don't know..

Ya every breath & touch,

Ya motions and movements,
the way you turn ya head and
how ya eyes light up..

Papi believe me this is more then

lust

More than a crush

even more than infatuation.

Yeah your older than me,

YES I KNOW

You've been hurt plenty,

But don't tell me,

I'm too young and don't know what love means,

What it is to me?

I may not know exactly
not completely

I think I've been close to it a time or two.

Your right to guard yourself from me

cuz

if You had me as ya lady ; I'd never leave

I'd be emotionally stalking you,
obsessed about you,

I'd sleep right next to you
make you fat by cooking your food

Spoil you by : rubbing, massaging
every part of ya body
each & every night

As you walked in the door from work,

I'd take ya shoe's off (rub ya feet)

you ain't got to say a word....

But I'd listen to all your problems
and
try my best to solve em,
pray with you, for you... for us,

Hold the children

"son's" up to your example,

"daughter's"
would understand that to have a good man

you'd need a good woman
(like me)

We'd be a team
when it came down to everything.

I'd be your budget keeper
your court appointed attorney & adviser
I'd be your marriage counselor
and anything else....

We could be of same mind
combine our souls as one

I'd follow your lead
but not take away from ME cuz no matter what

this is who I am
&
even when I have had a man.

But the difference is
I'd do all this and more
just because my love's so strong for you

My heart cries out for you
I wake up & I touch my self where
you've been not even knowing
I'm doing it, until it's to late...

Funny as I wash my body ;
I stop on the parts you've kissed, caressed & touched...

A mental image of you pops in my head
and
I smile to my self.

Tell me- am I being punished,?

Is "Karma" getting back at me ?

Maybe
for doing something long a go
just maybe huh?

Cuz I can't seem to get at you....

Make you understand...
If you was my man- You'd never have to worry

I'd do my best to take the hurting away

I'd be ya right hand

Ya best friend.....

****....

'You wont know till you see for ya self,
don't wait until it's all said & done
and
your wishing for me
after I'm gone...

Like the saying goes;

"You Don't Know What You Got Til It's Gone"

Think about it
I treat you right now

like a prince....

But you could be
my king....

ONLY

when you decide you want me-
and
believe me you'd understand .........

Like I said  ...........

If You Was My Man!

Always me Ayeshah

I ain't gots no words for you,

none you can take with you as you turn & walk out my life,

but while you be on ya way

how about you tell me

how is it

you expect me to
give up my life & watch my heart bleed,

laid on the ground

stomped on & mashed

in to tiny little pieces?

I ain't gots no words for you,

none to boost your manly ego

so you can strut

strut like a *******
two legged jack-assed' peacock,

but how about you tell me

why you're a liar & think to get mad

when I don't believe you

& even more upset- I'd say *******

now that I no longer trust your action

or whatever it is you

be yapping about

these days

but member

I ain't gots no words

not for you

or your misogynistic bull

on how
I'm pose to cook, clean & never voice a need,

want or desires

long as

I birth your hate and give into your twisted commands.

Hell Naw!!!

I ain't gots no words for you,

not  when your

fist- I've tasted as it collided with my lips,

guessing for me a lovers kiss

was dismissive & none of me got your affection

Not when you've given all you had & shut *****

was the only thing you had left to me

Nor
when I'm down in

womb-like form

holding my knees to chest

while

your standing slightly bent

over me

talking bout

say another motha-******* word

your
hand's balled up

cocked back

ready to strike

I ain't have no words then for you

cuz'

you nearly choked out my life

I ain't gots no words for you,

I ain't gots no words for you,

I
just
ain't gots no words for you,  

  not when you,   

  when you, 

you

Say falsely you "love" me
& I longing for just this fall prey once more
as
I let you
climb in bed & hold me,

spread wide my legs    

Ooo  mmmmm
mmmm aahh oooo

* I know I'm living in your lies
Your My demise.

This life's fading

from my view

which is why

I ain't gots no words for you



(Cuz' finally-You killed me.)*

Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®

I know you heard me

when I told you come here

Your looking at me
from downcast eyes

I'm the cannery so kitty cat

come pounce on your prize

smile go on & giggle

as you act like you don't know

but listen up man

I'm ready

been waiting
so hurry up

Open me roughly-

NO!,

don't take your time hurry

yea hurry up

rip off my dress

that's it man now swiftly

shove your ****

between my thighs

sigh out your enjoyment-

you've found the mark

move deeper a little faster

now stop & **** my mouth

I'm on my knees

letting you pound your ****
deep down this throat

pound it faster baby
keep going

**** it even if I gag

that's it baby

mmm
I love how you taste

move deeper  come on hurry up

I feel you swelling
like your about to erupt

Help me to my feet
*bend me over this table

I need a release & only your able

Your massive ****'s swollen
it's hungry just like me

Shove it in deeply

please me to my core

**** me,

YESSSS

****    *meeee

Baby keep going

******* move deeper,

harder- faster,

I'm delirious-

craving every inch
of your massive ****

spread me wide
wider

hold me fast to your lustful ******

hurt me

make me scream out
my ******* release

Yess

I'm *******

Keep it up

ooo
mmhmm

**** me give me more

over & over

YESSS!

baby

**** me

mmm ahhh

more..............

Oh ****
*how'd we end up on the floor

(ouch)*


Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®

Take your word..
You say.   But  She took Your word when
you told her- you loved her the most
in this world. She's your lady & baby girl.  You  gave ya word to her   when you told her your so in love and no other will do!
Not me nor anyone can replace her- remember you gave her ya word- huh?
hmm TAKE your word for it ?  You gave ya word to her and told her you'd do anything to please her! 
but  now I must-
 Take your word... ??
When You told her I'm nothing to you at all.
Your not in a good place right now  &  only she can pull you out!
Your missing her so much.
  You wish she was here  because your craving her touch.
& you keep on begging me to-
Take your word.....
When you've told her, her and her,  you have to stay because  your trapped.
didn't you tell  her this girl in that 1 - I'm not healthy+
I'm in a bad state-
( of mind because my mental psychosis ain't right)
  which is why you can't leave me  right now?!
This you say- Take your word...
When you telling
em  I'll never be as good as them.  (this girl or that  other woman) 
 You can't wait until your free.
Your playing pretend with me but they're  (her, she and them)  is really where you want to be?
Take your word.......
When once again
after you've lied stole and cheated
&
emotionally beat the love right out of me-
Yet you want me to
Take your word?!?  
I took your word: 
 when YOU vowed to
forsake all others  when you promised  to
love me in sickness& in health, for better & worst-  
WHEN YOU
asked me to love you forever  
and
if I'd do just that  (take ya word)  
YOU'D  "show" me
I could once more trust you or as you said  
(take your word) & you'll give me all of you
1000%,
take ya word
on everything & it'll be us, me & you, through thick or thin
and you'd "show" me 
 I could believe in you once again too, that if
I take ya word-
you'll bring the faith I had in you- back to me,
"IF"
  I'd take ya word  
YOU'D save me from your past neglects and FINALLY love me best!
   "IF "
I'd take ya word  - You'd never abuse, misused, or deceive me EVER again!  
SEE
that's the problem,
I did
TAKE YOUR WORD
&
TOOK
you back even after all this...  
NOW I don't want to hear it...
  Ya words  hurt me...  
SEE
I was ya choice but never was I  1st!  
Never
did I have 1st dibs
& for you,
it was easy picking
when you got hungry unscrupulous ***** nasty type chicks after you! 
 I was never number #1
I was just  1 of many   you played & used!
Yo your words ain't ****.  
Take MY word(s)  & listen good :
I can't and  I  wont do this to myself nor allow
you to
******* abuse me
NO MORE,
I'm to good for you and this here mess!
BOY  Ya WORD and words no longer mean ****!
DEUCES!
Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright © Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®*
..

I can't....

Can't help these feeling

consuming me as

you assume about me,

presume to understand.

Listen sweetie -


I never had a choice

I wasn't right in my thinking.

In my reasonings left us both with

unrequested guilt.

Unanswered questions , doubted,  

misguided-  non-understanding,

abandoned-  my un- abandoned disgust,

regretfully  mistaken stolen moments,

regret  deeply for not being there,

being  not there even now....


Left a ache inside

for so long-  I still cry,

I cry for myself  too though.

It hurts to loose so much

to have nothing but questions,

doubt

wondering

wonderful  bliss,  mind erased...

blissfully  -

no more thinking,

shaking crying,

blissful aint blessed when I had to forget.

don't speak or talk.. keep it in

deep inside

no one

tell no one.....

I was trapped,

taken,

thrown,


beaten & shaking.....

In my mind....

In my head- i felt no pain...

Lied to myself...  lied about you.... about me....  about "it"......  about US.

******,

*******!!!

Lying to me,  lying to you,

lying   lying    lying  

so much lying....

lying,  drowning,  dying,  lying,   crying,  lying.......

PLEASE!!!!


how can they have lied- liars lying as i laid dreaming....

demons, screaming.....

I cried, screamed, dreamed & longed for this day

Fought & still fight for this day

A day where you'd know!

Where you unsheathe that sword-

Placed-  deep in my heart, deep into my soul...

Did you know?  

Did they tell you-

who I was?  

Couldn't you of guessed?


Your eyes- my eyes


Your hand's - my hands


Your smile - my smile


Your laugh - its me!!!


I'm you

Your blood

My blood.

Didn't you notice  

didn't you see


all me in you?


I knew from the moment your face
looked deep into my face


your shape

my shape

my mirror

your mirror.

Twin yet not  - -  

Mother╰♥•♥╮ Daughter

finally:

One -  Whole

and

Together !


I Always Loved & Love You!

Dear child of mine  -

╰♥•♥╮JANNELL  ╰♥•♥╮

Always Me Ayeshah

Airbrushed watercolors

steal tonight,

Majestic acrylics
like royal purple,
lavender & reds-
silken sheets a mess

boldly he  molds
her to his skillful hands,

browns & blues, pinks & greys.

Flesh tones meshed in silhouettes

Lips

touching in the sweetest embrace,

as his body joins with hers.

Slowly
masculine hands
hold her tightly

while his ramrod manhood finds it's mark.

Her
tulips open moist for him

&

his honey dew kisses scorch her coco skin,

leaving her heated with each caress of his lips,

burning with each touch of his fingers,

she's never tasted such desire,

from sun up to sun down,

he's ready & willing.

Her
tiny whimpers & plea's escape her

as
his tantalizing assault

causes her to convulse inside & out..

Her
release continues to intensify

and

he's like a caged beast

trapped- with her tightly

pinned beneath him
as
he pounds deeply
within her velvet walls.

She's moaning, clinging,

legs wrapped round his waist,

nails digging deeply

in & down

his back with each stroke

with

each ******

she's moving in sync crying out

as

he causes such havoc

on her body,

scorning her skin

with

each lavish

flick of his tongue.

It's morning and the day breaks

rays of sunlight

streams into

their bedroom,

he's yet to be done

and

for hours now

her body's been

his canvas.

He's painted her

wild & wanton

seductive & brazenly wicked

he's stroked her

rose bud ****** assorted colors

against her velvet walls,

masterfully opened

and

vigorously

he strummed

her tulips to spread widely

on his canvas.

He's melted her to him

and

there's no other place she'd rather be

than on-*

His Canvas.

Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®

I am glad
he doesn't love -
with his  silky tongue
for
his words can dangle
forever in my veins
like an infectious cold,  
tearing away at my heart
while my mind tries to forget all the things
he's never saying

I'm glad
he never tells me he loves me,
my  heart,
my soul
or
my face
nor
my body,
the lie
would mean
he care and has feelings
that
I have known weren't ever there.

I'm glad  
he doesn't say
he  longs for me
like he longs & loves
the sun,
or
good food & flowers.

I'm glad  
he ignores my plea as I beg him  
to finally treat me with a semblance
of respect
because
it'd mean
he wants this to work,
I'm more realistic...
I know it never will or can.

I'm glad
he leaves my side after making me ***,
because it'd mean
he wants more than my body...  
I know he's not ready to commit
or
open his heart,
not to me anyways.
I'm glad
he doesn't look too deep into my eyes,
because
he'd see that I'm so broken and lonely
&  
he'd see the crippling pain
he causes each and every time
he walks out...  
I'm so glad
he doesn't notices a thing.
- If that's true,
why do I hear in me
tears dripping
like winter falling leaves?
hmm?*
Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®

I conflicted you,
confused you,

I never meant to
but you see baby

I'm defective from past
and
present abuse

misused,
mistreatment,
misdeeds,
misconceptions

recreated into what you
see
before you,

an
explosive mindless mess.

I should of got help

before
letting you in...
Should of
fixed me before
we began

but
you see papi

I didn't want to,
because
it'd mean
letting you go
for another to ****** up.

Ooh no
I could never have that,
so
I hide my pain-

until we fought and I blamed you
when it was never even your fault,

I tried to drown you in my anguish,

causing you
to become a beast instead of man!

took away your self-esteem
making you into what I believed

I wanted,

believed
I needed-  
to become a better me.

See papi

I thought if you did all
I asked and laid in my bed-

things from my past would cease to exist.

I thought once we became as one
you'd pick up the burden of

my broke heart mend me
and
fix what once was lost,

help me to become better even
thou
I never knew what was yet best
for me...

I let you in,
when
I was wounded
and
while war was raging in my head...

All
I needed was you
in my bed-
inside of me
pumping nothing but deceit
as we consummated
a lie,
a dream,
unrealistic fantasies
and
things that could never be
but still
I held on turning

you into -
what others have turned me to
too.

Letting you
think your the only one
when
I had him them and those three.

I could never love you
because at the end of the day
I barely *******

loved myself!
Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®

Do
you ever notice how
the patterns on
the ceiling looks
and ever focus so long
the patterns
start to make shapes-
You
ever stare out
and watch
yourself from
another
point of view?...
Sometimes
I still do this,
we tend to be
at odds with our
perception of life,
seems what
I'm able to see
isn't pleasant or reality-
looking down
at myself.
They
call this,
an outer body
experience
when your
looking up
watch me
watching you.
Do
you feel the pain
I was feeling,
Do
you see yourself
as if in a movie,
I keep the aftermath
& the many
"before's"
steeped in secrecy,
continuing-
obscuring the facts.
Like
these DCF workers
& Court's,
Supposedly
this "System"
was set up to
rescue us
children from
terrible situations
in our
families lives
give them
a chance
at a normal
healthy life.
As
I lay here floating
above myself,
I can see
from up here
what I'm feeling
& he's more
horrific than
the one's
they sent me
to before.
Can
you imagine
the daily living
nightmare
of being
a child assuming &
thinking you
are saved
once placed
within a new home.
Only
to find the situation
worse,
I was torn from
my loving yet very
dysfunctional family,
my siblings,
not so politically correct
but SAFETY was in
our numbers.
We
were strong even
brave as we're
placed with monsters.
monsters
in my closet,
in my room,
under my bed,
in my shower,
monsters
hiding behind the
bedroom door...
He's
coming,
his footsteps-
heard on the stairs
he'll know
I'm recently
fresh out the shower,
I can smell his stickiness-
he's yet to do anything
tonight.
The monsters,
hiding in plain sight,
in daylight-
always, always at midnight
watching me,
watching, always watching
watching me eat,
watching me sleep,
touching me in my sleep,
this monster....
Do
you ever notice
how the patterns
on the ceiling looks
and ever focus so long
the patterns start to
make
shapes

Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®

I don't like what I see
when I look in the mirror
  I stand there holding myself*

Sometimes I'll place  my hands on my hips
and move from side to side
turning this way or that
grabbing at my behind
pulling it up
seeing how it'd look
if it were plumper
like them girl's in the videos

Sometimes I grab a handful of my belly
or **** it in and see how I'd look
if I could just get over this 14 year baby weight
and all the pounds
I've gained from my last few miscarriages.

I know stress plays a role
I eat when stressed
  I eat my depression and eat when sad or on my cycle
I love to eat and love food
but it's truly never been my reason for this weight
burdening me down

I lost my will to move
to walk or work out
lost my drive to fight or even speak out
I went from working and going to school
staying busy
to doing only bits here and there that I have to do

I can't  be bothered
don't even want to
I'll lay here and not move
long as I can

I've stayed in a runt for so long
I'm talking years felt so low
and haven't dug our yet
and I know for me
this depressions a killer
it's got me defeated
beaten down
so low I never wanna be loved again...

As I  stand in front of this mirror
I hate what's become of me
my pessimistic behavior
and ideology of what love should be
seems like its not meant for me
I hate looking at myself
I hate seeing my luscious curves
my ample succulent *******

I only currently
like my long hair
that goes to my shoulders
for this chocolate cocoa skin
it seems so out of place
people wonder if its a weave
and not my own
but this is all home grown
yet and still
I just like who I am as a person & represent
not my physical appearance
not only because I have a "good hair"
for a black girl
  I'm ONLY black
yet
I'm proud of my heritage
I'm black and Puerto Rican
but who cares

Funny how my shape for others
is just right
&
for me it isn't
I don't have that j.lo figured
I don't look like a Nicki Minaj
how do I look?
I um well  I look just like me
but seems I can't find someone who'd
conquered my heart
and own it
take care of it as they should....

One  day I'll get tired of my self loathing
work out
and the World
will be impressed
but not
as much as ME!
*Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present  
All right reserved