This emptiness
It's all you left me with,
your friendship and fake smiles
and careless "I love you"s
Cannot hold a candle
To the hole you made
You chipped away at me
Little by little
Making a place for yourself
Inside of me
I let you build a home in my heart,
Hell, I helped you paint the walls.
I was so happy to have you
To hold you
To love you
I was eager to let you in
I stood by as you filled this hole
I watched you ooze
Like cancer between my bones
Spreading your poison through my brain
It felt so good to let your smoke
Pool in my lungs
And choke my throat
Until I was made of you

You were happy to pour yourself
Into me but I guess you really did care
You loved me too much
To let yourself love me
When you saw how I held your hand
Like a needle
And needed your voice
Like nicotine
You pulled away
You need me too much
To risk killing me
At least that's what you said
When I cried out for one last drag
You may be right
Your love would have consumed me
Until there was nothing left but rotting bones
Even so, despite your desperate attempt
To save me from us
I may not survive this withdrawal
My self rehabilitation
Is more painful than I can stand
At least not alone
If I had you
To hold my hand
And promise my pains away
I might be able to quit
And maybe we could be friends
But alone I didn't have the strength
To heal these sores and forget your lips
I couldn't wait
For my heart to stop pounding
Instead I took a knife
And cut this cancer out
Myself
I was the surgeon
Carving out this cancer
That came from addiction
I cried when you took it away
It left these hollows in my skin
My skin is paper thin
My blood pressure weak
This self dichotomy
Was messy and rushed
I tore memories of us
Out of my ribs
Scraped your smile
Off my heart
With a spoon
Filtered your perfume
Out of my blood
Medicated myself
With weight loss
And alcohol, music
And poetry
To dull the pain
And stitched my skin
Back together with lies
To cover the scars
Of my haste
I never healed
I forced months of
Chemotherapy
Into a few weeks
It hurt but so does
Thinking about you
I haven't spoken
To you since I started
This self treatment
I'm afraid that when I finally
Do see you again
These stitches may unravel
And I'll fall apart again
Leaving this disease exposed
All these holes for you to see
Will you still want
My friendship
When you've seen
The pain in my eyes
And the scars you left?

i hold my breath in
an unsure pen.
my soul is battered,
beaten, and scarred and
i cannot decide if this
is a result of tragedy
or my disease; it's
more a painting of the
two, a swirling of the colors
which have turned me
black and blue and i
am not who i once
was for my breath has
escaped my lungs and
collapsed into the ink

of a pen whose melody
has not yet been
sung.

i wonder if the curtains talk about what we do behind their backs..
i wonder if the pillow covers complain about the  tear stains we leave on them..
i wonder if the bed feels the emptiness like i do..
i wonder if our closets are strong enough to hold our skeletons..
i wonder if the door creaks our darkest secrets out..
or do the paintings gossip about our fights..
is the dust which remains.. is all thats left of us..
is our bedroom the aftermath of what we once were...

Steal away at twilight's calling
make your bed and tell your lies
meet me on the lonely hillside
bathed in guilt and alibi's.

Take me to the singing river
hold me under, wash me clean,
rid my spirit of this longing
breathe to life my only need.

Lay me down on emerald pasture, moonlight pale with eyes aglow
make my skin your only comfort,
savour pleasures yet unknown.

Touch me where he shall not enter
take your hands and soothe my soul,
press your holy weight upon me
taint my flesh and make me whole.

Take me home in sacred silence,
once again we mourn our deed
hearts now closed, our minds preparing
tales of time, meant to deceive.

Quiet guilt it will not linger
as we crave to taste once more
taken hearts and love forbidden
wrapped in lies forevermore.

let me just say,
i am sorry.
for all the nights
i got too drunk to move
so i would not have to feel.
for the days
i swallowed away pills
to numb myself
into acceptance.
for the summers i spent
planning how to
**** myself.
for the winters
when i'd hide away.