You say you want it.

But you don't really want it.

You kinda want it.

You don't want it more than you want to party, more than you want to sleep.

You are not obsessive with your achievement.

When you want it so badly that it consumes your existence, when you eat it breathe it and sleep it,

it will come flocking towards you in abundance.

Aloneness
Not loneliness but something worse
I'm screaming for attention
I call out into the Abyss
And nothing calls back

Only a man can be truly alone
A woman has inherent value
But a man
Is only valuable as to what he can provide

I hope people who are in love
appreciate what they have
because it’s people who are out of love
like me
who realise
the value of that gift

Entrenched in this loneliness
For it is not solitude
Perhaps when I am alone
I am in bad company

Most men are starved of affection
Most men are barred from attention
To a man this is normal
But to a woman it needs a mention
Because they don't understand
This terrible loneliness at hand
That only comes with being a man
An average man.

I am dizzy and I am exhausted
but i do not give up
because for every weakness I feel
I imagine the Gardens
and the ****
calling me
praising me
well done
you fought hard
against yourself
now you deserve us
and it is written that
in the gardens he will have
****** after ******
because of what he used to do in this world
and how hard he used to strive
against the strongest force upon him

I wonder what it feels like
to love another human.
I wonder what it feels like
to have butterflies
when you see someone
when you hold someone
because
i’ve never felt it
but i’ve read about it
but i’ve imagined it
but i’ve dreamed about it
but i’ve longed for it
but i’ve never had it.
i wonder what it would feel like
if someone saw me
and had those butterflies.
and felt nervous
and excited
and happy

I’m slowly worrying
that I may never feel it.
But it would drive me crazy
because i am not normal
and i’m scared ill give
too much of myself to someone
and get lost
in another human
but i wonder what it feels like
to have butterflies
when you see someone

rolling hills
warm sunshine caressing skins
summers under the trees
and in them too

well it's winter now
and i can wait till summer
what else is there to do
its not destined for everybody
alone but im constricted
got unlimited supplies im the plug
so i get lifted

Pure white tablets
Clonazepam
mix it with the magical herbal medicine
clouds of rich flavourful satisfying smoke
a mixture of synthetic and natural
a forbidden concoction
offensive to the natural order of things
to our bodies
to our minds
soon to slip away
im going to mars

Entrenched in this loneliness
For it is not solitude
Perhaps when I am alone
I am in bad company

It's crippling me
Hidden tears line my pillowcase
They trickle into my beard
Like rain watering thirsty flowers

Where did this vicious nature originate
That sweet shy boy
Embarrassed and inquisitive
Full of smiles and jokes
Always putting others first.

When it gets bad
And there are no drugs present
I turn to the page
Sober and hurting
I was a human
But the pain transforms me
I am an animal now

Like a gushing river
With Momentum built up
The emotions exit me hurriedly
An ******* of sentiments
Messy and uncontrolled
Buried feelings
Closed emotions
Aloneness, sadness and trauma

Writing is the instrument that allows me to spill my feelings rather than my blood. Or others.
Writing is a tool for us loners
To cope.
Its our therapist.
Oh how I missed writing.

Emotions seep from the waterfall of my mind
elusive and uncatchable
my fingers cannot translate
the feelings my mind conjures
like a magician pulling the rabbit from the hat
like a lover pulling my heart from my chest

She was so scared
Terrified that I made her cold heart
Feel the warm emotions
that hasn't visited It for years
So she got scared
She pushed me away
Her beautiful face encasing
A rotten soul

And if you're in a pain like mine
I hope God heals you

that little girl
with innocent eyes
and a sweet smile
tortured and *****
even the devil
must be surprised
at the evil
and tyranny of men
i am saddened to be a part of humanity
or more accurately
the lack of it.

I tried to stay sober this morning
I dragged myself to the gym
Amid unholy thoughts
Stemming from betrayed trust
Perhaps exercise is the cure
For us lonely beings

When will my soul be at peace with me
When there’s a void inside as deep as the sea

Tired of transient pleasures and memory
A longing for something not temporary

An aching for happiness that does not seem to tire
How can a soul be free when its enslaved by its desires?

Unless we heal old wounds
they will resurface
and cause the same damage we tried to bury
Temporary band aids on the heart and mind
come loose after a while.

During Sweet nights
I opened my heart
To the prospect of you
But you searched for others
Not because I wasn't enough for you

But because you weren't enough
For yourself.

The mind becomes perverted
By it's trauma and loneliness
You start to wonder who you were
And who you are is more unclear

I am hungry

I do it for you

I am tired

I do it for you

I struggle and fight my desires

I do it for you

I wear my body down
So my soul can be strong
And I do it only for you

Make me stronger my Lord

So I can do it for you

A woman said to me
"you must have lots of girls"
"what about your hoes"
Upon examination of my device
Its only mama in my contacts

Oh you were under an illusion
My confidence? Its a mask.
My humour? It's a covering.
I have to present myself in a certain way,
How could i expose the truth

The illusion stands, I'm not who you think i am.
I am both a superior catch and an inferior male.

I believe God put inside us
The desire for connection

And in a few people he removed that possibility
So they must endure suffering

How long can one endure?
We can only wait patiently until we die

God please help me be connected to what's good for me.
God fill this void inside me. And if it cannot be filled, then remove these human desires from me and let me be an alien.

There's so much love inside me. A huge well of affection all bundled up inside ready to give to someone.

But there's nobody to give it to.

There's never been anybody to give it to.

It just flows out of my eyes.

I crave touch
I long for the comfort
Of a warm hug
A warm bed
Safety

I am so alone
Nobody calls
Nobody text
And i don't know why

Rather I observed myself like a dark pool,
from a distance,
and whenever I'd get close,
I'd dip a toe in
and hurry away
Because I'm scared to jump in
and witness those dusky demons
devilish and delirious

Inner monsters of self hate and trauma
manifest themselves in the recesses of the psyche
the ocean of the subconscious
currents strong and directing

I can't keep burying them with intoxication forever,
I can't keep distracting them with material things
I have to face them eventually

And when I do

I'll ******* destroy them for what they've done to me

It is quiet in this big house,
The loneliness is magnified
The silence is astoundingly loud
Addiction knocks on the door
It doesn't matter if I don't let him in
He's always had a spare key
Silently he slips in
Hello old companion
"Mr Xanax, how are you today?"
"I am fine", he replies
"And I am going to make you feel fine"

And as I write, the feeling is lifted. The curse is broken. The spell rendered useless. I am free I am light I am calm.

I should see a therapist,
But for now this blank slate shall hold my concerns.
For now this blank page shall soothe me.

I open my chest
My heart
It Falls onto the page
Still beating
I empart emotion
Into the lifeless canvas
One life for another
The poem now lives
But I do not

The primal nature of the ****** desire
Overrules logic and rationality
Infusing man with an urge
That cannot be separated
Like a teabag in hot water
Spilling its contents into the surroundings
Intoxicating the clear thought completely
A mad drunken state has overcome me
I must fulfill the desire

Grey blankets mask the sky
The jaws of winter
bite into my skin
Warm leather seats embrace me
Melancholy rain splashes on the bonnet
kissing and caressing
A river from God himself
Some people
feel the rain
and others
others
they just get wet

The thoughts are so loud
But there are no decibels.

They deafen me
Yet you cannot hear them.

Criticism in its tone
Trauma in its vocabulary.

I've relapsed

My mind is retreating
From the busy world
Tendrils of consciousness
Stung from rejection

Searching for the little pleasures
To keep me going
Tears on my pillowcase
Whenever i wake up
Unsure and unfocused
I drift like a wood on the ocean

Far away from the shores of love and connection
I have become an island
Unable to connect with the landmass
I float away.

I want to be on the sunrise high at the skyline
i want to be comfortable alone in my time
sky time why time
lifeline
im floating roaming and zoning
fully rowing
my boat down the stream
cbd thc and clonazepam
thoughts quietly racing im silenty pacing
tasteful smoke freestyle on a techniclour kudasai
dont ask my why dont ask me to try
dont ask me' to walk when i can fly
floaty dont want to overdo it or overdosy
just wanna be cosy
we're all void fillers
void killers
lonely poetry
hidden masks on my face i dont divulge or they'll know its me
analyse the dirt and you will find the gems in these lines
the gems i had to go through alot to find
i had to mine
chip away at my old self
and yeah i am not back to my old health
and i got me some more wealth
bandaid on my poor self
money isn't happiness word to marley



nostalgia for things ive never had
it makes me sad
maybe some company by the skyline,
we can be poor we dont need wealth
lets be happy
thats a dream
maybe it doesnt exist
ill give it a hit
or maybe a miss
or maybe a kiss
nostalgia
not stall gear
stalling on the lonely road im on
im in a different space
maybe its trauma maybe its more ah
maybe its coz im a may baby and im way crazy
but i dont believe in the star sign *******
i know theres cosmic energies
i know theres an upper entity
thank you god


have you ever felt things you can describe
cant believe and cant deny
cant trust and cant part with eith-
er

The sunrise comes after the darkest part of the night,
The small victories appear after the long struggles,

Those small bursts of happiness
make all my struggle worth it,

To my goals I am approaching,
Soon I will have everything I dreamed for.

I pray to God
He grants me
A beautiful woman.

and by beautiful i don't mean
in the shade of her skin
or the height of her cheekbones
or the voluptuousness of her body
or the colour of her eyes

By beautiful I mean those traits
that are more than skin deep
The ones that are
soul deep.

O earth!
Why do you call me back
I want to live
So stop calling me to death

O earth!
I fear your cold embrace!
I want to live

I am the king.

I am the controller of you.

I do not listen to you

You listen to me.

I have you in a chokehold

and i grip you severely

until you are weak and obedient

and you will serve me

because i serve Allah.

She's sort of beautiful
I see her from afar
And as I get closer
I see she isn't all that beautiful

And that the beauty I saw
Was my minds longing to appreciate
Another human being

Perhaps the way I've looked at her, is the way I wish someone would look at me.

A funny thing the mind is, often times he's not your friend

How the mind creates stories
When there are none.

Life thrusts me into a path,
Of violent solitude.
Solitude clothed as loneliness,
A friend dressed like an enemy.
A sheep dressed like a wolf.

I am searching for myself.
Who was I before I drowned the pain
With intoxication and in absolute vain

I turn once more to the page
In a desperate attempt to heal
a visitor scarce,
I have become.

The path to happiness is a lonely journey,

a constant struggle,

a battle with himself,

every single minute of the day,

he fights his thoughts,

he goes to war with his desires,

he strives and toiles,

constantly beating down his own soul,

until one day he achieves control over himself,

such discipline that the devil whispers and the man laughs in his face,

you cannot touch me now!

you are weak and I am strong!

I have overcome myself so I can overcome you!

I have overcome the strongest of desires!

Of food and drink and ***,

so who are you?

Pitiful devil.

No control can you obtain over me now.

I've started writing this poem a hundred times,
But every time I start it becomes too painful,
So I delete it and start again,
But I'm tired of starting again,
So you can have this poem in its unfinished state.
I'm not scared to be incomplete anymore

I write to release these confusing
Tumultuous tempers
Tumbling tenaciously
Tearing through my soul
Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't
But what else would the poet do?

Perhaps I will throw myself from an ocean
Dashed upon rocks
An **** of blood and bone

What ends shall a man go
To quieten his soul

I try to tame the roaring blaze inside me
But it flows out of my eyes
From fire to water
Tears gush forth like springs
Watering my beard
Like thirsty flowers

A young man struggles

against his desires

when they overpower him

and they grip him uncontrollably

and he says NO

he knows this is a test

he knows right from wrong

but the devil whispers

and capitalises on his youthful desires

to make him sin.

What stronger desire is there to overcome?

From restraining his eyes

From restraining whats between his legs.

The man who can conquer himself in the heat

That man is a king.

He does what other men cannot.

He overcomes himself and attains true mastery over his soul.

He attains closeness to the creator.

What an achievement!

The world is so ****** up that
I'd rather stay in my corner.

As lonely as it is, nobody can hurt me.
I am hurting but I AM SAFE.

Maybe that makes me a coward,
Or maybe it makes me a hero.

Those who protected their good hearts
They do it with a noble intention.

In a world full of hurt people who hurt others

What a rare thing a kind heart is