And as I write, the feeling is lifted. The curse is broken. The spell rendered useless. I am free I am light I am calm.
I should see a therapist,
But for now this blank slate shall hold my concerns.
For now this blank page shall soothe me.
We are a community of a dying art.
Like a gushing river
With Momentum built up
The emotions exit me hurriedly
An ******* of sentiments
Messy and uncontrolled
Aloneness, sadness and trauma
Writing is the instrument that allows me to spill my feelings rather than my blood. Or others.
Writing is a tool for us loners
Its our therapist.
Oh how I missed writing.
A woman said to me
"you must have lots of girls"
"what about your hoes"
Upon examination of my device
Its only mama in my contacts
Oh you were under an illusion
My confidence? Its a mask.
My humour? It's a covering.
I have to present myself in a certain way,
How could i expose the truth
The illusion stands, I'm not who you think i am.
I am both a superior catch and an inferior male.
I long for something so simple
Something people take for granted
Something you see everyday
In the road or in a shop
Something so obvious that
People who have it don't realise
You thought the opposite of addiction was
The opposite of addiction
A lot of people are alone. Be kind to others. You might tell someone they're beautiful and that might prevent their suicide ❤️
My mind is retreating
From the busy world
Tendrils of consciousness
Stung from rejection
Searching for the little pleasures
To keep me going
Tears on my pillowcase
Whenever i wake up
Unsure and unfocused
I drift like a wood on the ocean
Far away from the shores of love and connection
I have become an island
Unable to connect with the landmass
I float away.
I'm a young man struggling with things nobody should ever struggle with. Such a beautiful community on here you're my only friends thank you for reading
Only a man can be truly alone
A woman has inherent value
But a man
Is only valuable as to what he can provide
The primal nature of the ****** desire
Overrules logic and rationality
Infusing man with an urge
That cannot be separated
Like a teabag in hot water
Spilling its contents into the surroundings
Intoxicating the clear thought completely
A mad drunken state has overcome me
I must fulfill the desire
Not loneliness but something worse
I'm screaming for attention
I call out into the Abyss
And nothing calls back
I crave touch
I long for the comfort
Of a warm hug
A warm bed
I am so alone
And i don't know why
Unless we heal old wounds
they will resurface
and cause the same damage we tried to bury
Temporary band aids on the heart and mind
come loose after a while.
It is quiet in this big house,
The loneliness is magnified
The silence is astoundingly loud
Addiction knocks on the door
It doesn't matter if I don't let him in
He's always had a spare key
Silently he slips in
Hello old companion
"Mr Xanax, how are you today?"
"I am fine", he replies
"And I am going to make you feel fine"
warm sunshine caressing skins
summers under the trees
and in them too
well it's winter now
and i can wait till summer
what else is there to do
its not destined for everybody
alone but im constricted
got unlimited supplies im the plug
so i get lifted
I want to be on the sunrise high at the skyline
i want to be comfortable alone in my time
sky time why time
im floating roaming and zoning
my boat down the stream
cbd thc and clonazepam
thoughts quietly racing im silenty pacing
tasteful smoke freestyle on a techniclour kudasai
dont ask my why dont ask me to try
dont ask me' to walk when i can fly
floaty dont want to overdo it or overdosy
just wanna be cosy
we're all void fillers
hidden masks on my face i dont divulge or they'll know its me
analyse the dirt and you will find the gems in these lines
the gems i had to go through alot to find
i had to mine
chip away at my old self
and yeah i am not back to my old health
and i got me some more wealth
bandaid on my poor self
money isn't happiness word to marley
nostalgia for things ive never had
it makes me sad
maybe some company by the skyline,
we can be poor we dont need wealth
lets be happy
thats a dream
maybe it doesnt exist
ill give it a hit
or maybe a miss
or maybe a kiss
not stall gear
stalling on the lonely road im on
im in a different space
maybe its trauma maybe its more ah
maybe its coz im a may baby and im way crazy
but i dont believe in the star sign *******
i know theres cosmic energies
i know theres an upper entity
thank you god
have you ever felt things you can describe
cant believe and cant deny
cant trust and cant part with eith-
our souls travel around, i dream when im awake the white tablet spaceship take me away
Pure white tablets
mix it with the magical herbal medicine
clouds of rich flavourful satisfying smoke
a mixture of synthetic and natural
a forbidden concoction
offensive to the natural order of things
to our bodies
to our minds
soon to slip away
im going to mars
#drugs #drugproblems #diaryofaboywithproblems
There's so much love inside me. A huge well of affection all bundled up inside ready to give to someone.
But there's nobody to give it to.
There's never been anybody to give it to.
It just flows out of my eyes.
Love, affection, lonely
It's crippling me
Hidden tears line my pillowcase
They trickle into my beard
Like rain watering thirsty flowers
I've been struggling with loneliness
Rather I observed myself like a dark pool,
from a distance,
and whenever I'd get close,
I'd dip a toe in
and hurry away
Because I'm scared to jump in
and witness those dusky demons
devilish and delirious
Inner monsters of self hate and trauma
manifest themselves in the recesses of the psyche
the ocean of the subconscious
currents strong and directing
I can't keep burying them with intoxication forever,
I can't keep distracting them with material things
I have to face them eventually
And when I do
I'll ******* destroy them for what they've done to me
First piece I've wrote in years. Getting back into it. Still a functioning addict but I'm a lot better now. I've got good control and through poetry, patience and God i'll overcome them.
God bless you, wonderful souls
Emotions seep from the waterfall of my mind
elusive and uncatchable
my fingers cannot translate
the feelings my mind conjures
like a magician pulling the rabbit from the hat
like a lover pulling my heart from my chest
How i feel.
that little girl
with innocent eyes
and a sweet smile
tortured and *****
even the devil
must be surprised
at the evil
and tyranny of men
i am saddened to be a part of humanity
or more accurately
the lack of it.
A young kashmiri girl was tortured, ***** and killed. When i heard about this story i started to cry. I had to release this emotion into a short piece.
You say you want it.
But you don't really want it.
You kinda want it.
You don't want it more than you want to party, more than you want to sleep.
You are not obsessive with your achievement.
When you want it so badly that it consumes your existence, when you eat it breathe it and sleep it,
it will come flocking towards you in abundance.
The sunrise comes after the darkest part of the night,
The small victories appear after the long struggles,
Those small bursts of happiness
make all my struggle worth it,
To my goals I am approaching,
Soon I will have everything I dreamed for.
Don't give up on your goals and dreams.
I am dizzy and I am exhausted
but i do not give up
because for every weakness I feel
I imagine the Gardens
and the ****
you fought hard
now you deserve us
and it is written that
in the gardens he will have
****** after ******
because of what he used to do in this world
and how hard he used to strive
against the strongest force upon him
desire, ***, paradise, islam,
I am the king.
I am the controller of you.
I do not listen to you
You listen to me.
I have you in a chokehold
and i grip you severely
until you are weak and obedient
and you will serve me
because i serve Allah.
The path to happiness is a lonely journey,
a constant struggle,
a battle with himself,
every single minute of the day,
he fights his thoughts,
he goes to war with his desires,
he strives and toiles,
constantly beating down his own soul,
until one day he achieves control over himself,
such discipline that the devil whispers and the man laughs in his face,
you cannot touch me now!
you are weak and I am strong!
I have overcome myself so I can overcome you!
I have overcome the strongest of desires!
Of food and drink and ***,
so who are you?
No control can you obtain over me now.
Never give up
A young man struggles
against his desires
when they overpower him
and they grip him uncontrollably
and he says NO
he knows this is a test
he knows right from wrong
but the devil whispers
and capitalises on his youthful desires
to make him sin.
What stronger desire is there to overcome?
From restraining his eyes
From restraining whats between his legs.
The man who can conquer himself in the heat
That man is a king.
He does what other men cannot.
He overcomes himself and attains true mastery over his soul.
He attains closeness to the creator.
What an achievement!
In a hypersexualised environment we are victims to our own desires.
I am hungry
I do it for you
I am tired
I do it for you
I struggle and fight my desires
I do it for you
I wear my body down
So my soul can be strong
And I do it only for you
Make me stronger my Lord
So I can do it for you
We struggle and fight with our soul daily, this is the greatest of struggles. To do whats right even when our soul tells us to do wrong.
I pray to God
He grants me
A beautiful woman.
and by beautiful i don't mean
in the shade of her skin
or the height of her cheekbones
or the voluptuousness of her body
or the colour of her eyes
By beautiful I mean those traits
that are more than skin deep
The ones that are
I hope people who are in love
appreciate what they have
because it’s people who are out of love
the value of that gift
I wonder what it feels like
to love another human.
I wonder what it feels like
to have butterflies
when you see someone
when you hold someone
i’ve never felt it
but i’ve read about it
but i’ve imagined it
but i’ve dreamed about it
but i’ve longed for it
but i’ve never had it.
i wonder what it would feel like
if someone saw me
and had those butterflies.
and felt nervous
I’m slowly worrying
that I may never feel it.
But it would drive me crazy
because i am not normal
and i’m scared ill give
too much of myself to someone
and get lost
in another human
but i wonder what it feels like
to have butterflies
when you see someone
Grey blankets mask the sky
The jaws of winter
bite into my skin
Warm leather seats embrace me
Melancholy rain splashes on the bonnet
kissing and caressing
A river from God himself
feel the rain
they just get wet
When will my soul be at peace with me
When there’s a void inside as deep as the sea
Tired of transient pleasures and memory
A longing for something not temporary
An aching for happiness that does not seem to tire
How can a soul be free when its enslaved by its desires?
— The End —