I am not your number one
And that is ok
I have accepted this
As my fate
Inescapable
You see,

I...
will never come first.

And that’s ok.

When I tell you I love you more than anything,
You will never reply the same.

And that’s ok.

I will never be your first

And that’s ok

It’s ok.
It’s ok.
It’s ok.

Her smile will forever make you day

And that’s ok
(I wouldn’t love you as much as I do if it didn’t anyway)

She is your purpose for living

And that’s ok
(I wouldn’t love you as much as I do if she wasn’t anyway)

Her laugh is your most precious thing

And that’s ok
(I wouldn’t love you as much as I do if it wasn’t anyway)

It’s ok.
It’s ok.
It’s ok.

She will always be your brightest sun

And that’s ok

She will always be the first

And that’s ok

I will never even be the fourth

And that’s ok

It’s ok.
It’s ok.
It’s ok.

It really is.
I swear to god that it’s ok
I love you all the more for it
And I wouldn’t have it any other way

But at night....

When loneliness seeps into my bones

And monsters hiss into my ears


Reminding me that I am not your first
That I... have never been anyone’s first and most important person


That I have never deserved it

And that I will never even be your fourth.

And that’s ok.

It’s ok.
It’s ok.
It’s ok.

But at night...


With loneliness bleeding through my soul.

I can’t help but wonder...

What it would be like.

To at least once


be first
To someone
To anyone

Because I have never been anybody’s number one.

Never been put first

Not even by myself.

And I never will be.



And that’s ok.


It’s ok.
It’s ok.
It’s ok.

Because when the sun is out.
I love you all the more for it
I don’t regret it.
I do not envy it.
I love you all the more for it

And it’s all truly ok.

It’s ok
It’s ok
It’s ok

But at night


With loneliness swallowing me whole

I can’t help but wonder

Why I

Will never

Be enough


To ever

Be first


Or even

Simply fourth.

I hate that I am eating.
I hate every bite, every swallow.
I hate every taste, every wrapper.
I hate the bile that raises in the back of my throat every time
I try to consume food.
I am so so very sick of it all.
So sick of needing to be high to even want to eat.
So sick of the feeling of being full
And I hate my need to be rid of it.
Of trying to force it to stay down
But secretly wishing that my ***** will drown me.
I hate myself when I do *****.
But I hate myself so much more when I don’t.
But they say I’m pretty
But they say I’m better
So why is it so hard
When every swallow is burning me alive
And every ***** makes me a liar.
And every skipped meal makes me a coward.

I’ve lost the will

I once came across a girl,
sitting at the sea shore.
She had a smile like a dew drop
And eyes like the stars.
Her little heart held back a storm.

I once ran across the girl
sitting in the coffee shop
And I noticed how she’s changed.
Her smile held
oblivion’s mysterious allure
her eyes aglow with mischief.

A women stumbled into me,
From just across the way.
With painful eyes
And icy hands
As she began to say:

“You saw me falling,
You watched me crash,
Why is it that
you always walked past?
You could have helped me
find my light,
but it’s far too late
to save me tonight”

I am sitting on a bench in this lovely little park,
Next to the tree you had carved into with your initials in a heart.
And I am sorry that you found your grave, when you were only offering your heart for me to save.

for the last couple years of my life,
I’ve lost my sense of color,
Vibrance has blurred into nothingness

I let myself forget
That there was ever any color
to begin with.

And as I made the motions
Of a living human being
Moving through my white washed life
I forgot I only had one life left.

That this white washed life
Will one day be,

My white washed tomb.

That I was living six feet above
And will one day lay down six feet below
I had even looked forward to it.

But this vibrance did exist
I had just forgotten how to look for it
as a child
The world was painted
by the artists that came before.

How did I forget?
How could I forget?
How could I let
This vibrance blur into nothingness?

They say that love is beautiful.
That when it consumes you,
You feel alive.
They say that love is wonderful.
That when you find it,
You will never let it go.
They say that love is painful.
That misplaced love will
Burn you to the core.
Well I say that that sounds awfully boring,
And I think love is something more.
I say that love is a storm.
All rapid heart beats
And tangled wet hair.
Its the taste of lightning
And the feel of fire.
Its the burning skin
And huge grin.
It is the feeling of being ALIVE.
I say that love is a game of Russian Roulette.
Its giving some one a loaded gun
And hoping to God
That they don't pull the trigger.
Its sweating palms
And fragile trust, you hope, will grow strong
Its fear
Oh God you're scared.
Scared of the power they wield over you.
Its the freedom of a reckless love
Of wild desire
And chaotic choices.
Of crazy laughter
And aching tummies.
It is the feeling of being wild and FREE.
I say that love is rare, and fleeting.
Which is why you should never let it go.
Its nights under the stars
With only the moon to bare witness.
Its days under the deep blue sky
Where you burn brighter than the sun.
Its snow falling
And breath showing.
Its the feeling of your arms.
A desperation to cling to you.
And the naive hope
That we will last.
Its the feeling of forever.
Love is YOU.

Be mindful my love, as you seek your higher self, to not give in to the forces that raise against you. For as your third eye opens wider there will be those desperate to close it, fearful of the power you contain. Spiritual awakening scares the sleepers. Don’t stop your growth for anyone.

I have this tightness in my chest
The anxiety swallows me whole
An overwhelming sense of unrest
As I wonder what I did to cause the pull
The pull away from me
I did something wrong I can feel it
But the mistake I cannot see
What
Did
I
Do?
What hurt you?
I will wait for your reply
But this anxiety is causing
the worst sorta high

I always bother you
though I never try.
I hate the tears
but I cant keep from the cry.
you are everywhere I can never find
everywhere
but by my side
and its pathetic,
I  know it is

and yet...
I cant keep the panic at bay

and still....
anxiety steals my words before i can say

i m i s s y o u

i l o v e y o u

w i l l y o u s t i l l r e t u r n

w i l l i e v e r l e a r n

w i l l y o u l o v e m e i f i d o
    
w i l l y o u l o v e m e i f i d o n o t

My dearest mother




















do you see it?
that's the space put between us,
filled with unspoken words and heartache.










can you hear it?
that's the defining silence,
filled with quiet disappointment and shattered dreams,
because I'm not the girl you hoped I'd be...

What am I even doing anymore?
Depression has dug its claws into
My very core.
They say that I’ll make it,
If only I am strong.
But now I’m starting to wounder
If I’ve been going about it all wrong.

It is easy to love and laugh under the sun.
It is at night when the challenge will come.
The sun's rays keep the darkness at bay
But what's to protect you at the end of the day?
When the darkness consumes your world?
When your thoughts begin to spin and swirl?
The stars shine both cold and bright,
Bathing my moonburnt tears in earthereal light.
The moon turns my skin to marble and glass
And the ground I walk on turns to ash.
Such crule beauty that does reside
When the dark makes the light subside.

Let me tell you a story.
A Human is walking through woods, where he stops under a tree and gives a sullen sigh. When a beautiful maiden calls from among the leaf leaden branches above,
"Whatever's the matter?"
The Man looks up, startled to see the fair lady in the tree and as she climbs down to stand before him he tells her of his sorrow. His friend was leaving him, to a land very far from where they now stood. the maiden states that many people are often in search of living a life different from the one they are currently leading and asks what else is bothering him.
He states that he's.... lost.
"You spend your whole life looking up at the moon, terrified that you are wasting your life away."
She says, and he agrees.
"Then why not go out and live the life you dream of living?"
He searches for an answer but cannot find one, save for the fact that he feels stuck.
"You are only stuck if you wish to be."
Getting irritated by her wise answers, he asks what life she would lead. The maiden looks up at the many trees towering above them, her eyes watching the light dance with the leaves as she answers,
"I would want to travel, to breathe."
The man states the wishing to breathe is an odd desire indeed. She just kept looking up at the sky as she continued,
"All of these trees are working tirelessly day and night to give us air to breathe. I would make sure that each and every breath had meaning. That with every intake of air carried the taste of adventure and every breath out holds a memory with it. I would try my hardest to ensure that I did not let a single breath go to waste. We all spend so much time ensnared in our small world, dreaming of something more beyond what we know, but refusing to go and seek it out. I wish to not merely exist, but to LIVE."
The man asks why she doesn't heed her own advice,
"Alas," she sighs,
"I am a Tree nymph and cannot move beyond the roots buried deep within the earth, or the tree will die, and I, with it."
Suddenly filled with pity for the beautiful nymph he states that he may know of a spell that could release her from her binds to the tree and allow her to pursue her desire. she then shakes her head and with a small, sad smile, she tells him she could never do such a thing. When he asks why she says
"I have spent my whole life caring for this tree, we are entwined together. To leave it in pursuit of my own dreams, would be leaving it to die. this I cannot do."
The man shakes his head, confused.
"It is simply a tree," he states "there are thousands more just like it."
"Ah," she says, wishing for a way to further explain herself,
"This is not just any tree. Somewhere out there, there is someone relying on this tree to breathe so that they may live their lives to the fullest they can. Weather it be a small child learning to walk and explore this beautiful land for the first time, or may it be an elder who has lived a long life, with many stories to tell, they are relying on this tree and to take it away so that I may go about life the way I dream, would be a selfish thing indeed."
Touched by her selfless sacrifice the man exclaims that it was hardly fair, that so many people remain wasting their lives away within their paper worlds settling for existing due to laziness and fear, while others, are dreaming of the freedom to actually live while imprisoned by their sacrifices.
"Is their no other way?"
He questions, but the maiden shakes her head.
"Well is there any way I can help?"
Her eyes light up and she smiles. A smile that is as warm and bright as the summer sun.
"Why yes, there is. you can go and live your life to the fullest you possibly can, because, you too, are relying on somebody's sacrifice to be free to live. So don't waste it, and when you have aged and grow weary, with snow kissed hair and wizened eyes, share your stories with those who follow. Share your sorrows and your triumphs, and all that lie in between. Start your story here, on the day your sorrows have lead you here, to the Nymph who dreams to live, inspire them to do the same and then I will know that my sacrifice has not been in vain."

An ode to a girl I used to know, whose world was a gift  all wrapped up with a pretty red bow. Who knew not pain nor sorrow and sin. Ready for this life she was destined to win.

An ode to a girl I used to know, whose family rules made a line she kept to a toe. Testing herself through ignorance and sin, learning to pick herself back up again.

An ode to a girl I used to know, who learned to love the sinners row. All wrapped up in a disorientating mist, it was the devil's lips she longed to kiss.

An ode to the girl I used to know, who continued along with the devil in tow, until one day instead of a kiss.... it was Death's angel that touched her lips. A secret sorrow she left unknown,
a grave, she had wished, was her own.

An ode to a girl I used to know, who now lives so far from home, marching as one well oiled machine, hoping to pass through life, unseen. As a last stitch effort to stand apart, she only accomplished to break her parents hearts.

An ode to a girl I used to know, whose love was found in a secret best left alone. All I shall say is it shot her heart when her lover decided they were better apart.

An ode to a girl I used to know, whose families disappointment seemed to grow. A failure at love and life and smarts, trying to mend a shattered families heart.

An ode to a girl I used to know, who played Russian Roulette and lived to feel the survival guilt flow. She was the one who dared to live, after shooting so many in the heart again and again.

An ode to a girl I used to know, whose overdose seemed awfully close. Though tempting seemed, the pills may be, she continued on, with the weight of her life buckling her knees.

An ode to a girl I used to know, whose siblings left behind in the blow. And as her wounds smarted and her cuts began to sting, she gave her siblings the last gift she could bring. A freedom from her world of fear, a sacrifice to remain behind, here.

An ode to a girl I used to know, who was kicked out of her very home. Whom pain and sadness have tormented and torn apart, leaving her unsure if she still had a heart.

An ode to a girl I used to know, who walked this world all alone, who bore the scars that marred her skin, as she vowed to never, herself, love again.

An ode to a girl I know, who looks in the mirror, as if the reflection is not her own. All sunken eyes and cracking fears she lives and breaths but is no longer here. But a husk she remains, haunting her very own marred skin, wondering what it would be like to feel again...

An ode to a girl I have yet to know, who's future once shined brighter than any I have come to find, I know, because that future was once mine. now it is drifting, balanced by a drop of the hat, a slice of the knife, where nothing is planned or precise. All that she has is the hope of her fate, that maybe, some day, she will be free of her self inflicted chains of hate and fly free of this place, a chance to change her future, her fate.

One day,
he will look at me and smile,
not worry.
One day,
he will hold my hands,
not check my wrists and thighs.
One day,
he will see me laugh,
and not search for tears hidden in my eyes.
One day,
he will dance and smile,
not hold me and cry.
One day,
he will kiss me in the mirror,
not cover my eyes.
One day,
we will go on adventures,
not terrified to go outside.
One day,
we will playfully banter,
not bicker and argue.
One day,
he will look at me and joke around,
not watch himself,
worried he will cause me to fall apart.
And...
One day,
we will be happy.
One day,
we will be healthy.

One day... One day.

One
Oh what fun this has become.
Two
So much life in me and you!
Three
So this is what it means to be free?
Four
Maybe one more behind closed doors....
Five
I can't quit, without it I don't feel alive...
Six
"You need to stop, your addicted and soon it'll be too late to fix"
Seven
"Do you wish to die? Because we both know that's where your headed."
Eight
More then just pills, they are an escape. An escape from all this depression and hate.
Nine
You've changed, you've taken it too far. How could you be so blind?
Ten
The monitor goes silent, your heart stops it's beat, never to start again.

I feel as if I have paper skin
Fire for eyes and water
that swirls And sloshes inside.
And the water is rotting my moldy skin as it begins to douse the fire within.

Life is all about perception. The people we meet, the memories we create, the chances we take. Every story is a thread. And every thread is, in some way or another, attached to a different string of threads. This goes on and on until it all weaves together into a massive tapestry that is our reality. Therefore, to you, I am only as you perceive me to be. no more, no less.

I’ve met many a person who picked up my threads and twirled them around, claiming to recognize the colors and the feeling of the strings in their hands, only to realize what they thought was purple, was green all along and they simply felt cotton when it was actually a mess of silks and twine. All those threads they believed were theirs to hold through out all of time, belonged to no one at all, because they were mine.

And so too have I met, the quiet few, who glanced at the threads we weave with our lives and instantly knew, there was no “mine” or “theirs” or “you” because perception is blind and we are all new. Not one story is the same, and yet not one is unique, for we are all the same tapestry
and I am the you, that you seek.

They say true beauty is found within,
Regardless of the condition of our mortal skin.
What they don't realize is I completely agree,
We are more then a shallow magazine.
But...
You don't understand,
That I cannot help it.
You cannot hear the mocking of the mirror.
So how could you possibly know what I must endure,
Day after day,
"Darlin wipe those tears away.
They make you blochy and red.
But don't worry hunny,
I'm just in your head."
You don't see the food haunt me,
The food my stomach refused to consume.
"Your fat won't just go away,
Just starve yourself for ONE more day."
You can't know how hallow this makes me inside,
When I cover it up with pretty smiles and lies.
So how can beauty be found within,
If no one looks beyond our skin?
How can we eat and be fine when we are constantly compared to the standards
only Photoshop can comply?
How must we see beyond this shattered mirror
When we cover ourselves in makeup just to endure your scrutiny?
But yes, darling,
we shine inside..
A light that flickers and fades when I stand under societies shining ray.

Ice claws gouge into my skin
Riping and tearing as I rage from within.
Raindrops slip down my cold glass skin
Mixing with tears I fight to keep in.
This winding road blisters my feet
As I stumble and fall
The end always out of reach.
I wonder if you will be there when I return?
If you will embrace me and kiss me
Or if you will turn me away in scorn.
What if this war that rages inside
Has burned you to bones
and from me you will hide?
What happens when my touch turns to acid
Blistering your skin.
What if your heart no longer loves me?

genius comes in fragments
poetry comes in slivers of sentences
open to all
yet mastered by none
merely mortals weaving a web
a web of words
of truths and lies
of things made plain
and things we hide
and as we navigate this artful web
we realize just how much we are out of our depth

If you cracked me open, would you watch me bleed?
When you cut through my disguise, what do you see?
Will you leave me alone, to wilt and wither away,
Or will you save the bloom to last another day?

There was a boy who owned the world,
or so he thought... til he met "The Girl"
this Girl swept in like a storm,
and made chaos look like a beautiful art form.
but, like all storms, disaster swarmed.
and the prince stood by, braving the storm.
But when the winds died down
and the clouds cleared away,
it reviled the other princes,
who also stood by her side.
here to save the day.
they looked to the boy
with mocking smiles
and together the all chimed;
"don't you worry your pretty head,
little prince,
one day your kingdom will fall,
and you will realize,
your castle was but sand all along."
then they turned to the Girl
whom they wanted to pin down like a butterfly,
to claim the right to say "she's Mine."
and they said "its time to choose.
which one of us could you bare to loose."
so she chose the one,
who made her laugh,
who made her cry.
who demanded the truth,
who never believed the lie.
who she wasn't afraid of ruining,
of tearing apart.
because he was like her.
the poison to her toxic heart.
the chaos to her mischief.
the fitting piece to her jigsaw life.
So she crowned him,
and made him her king.
this choice broke the little princes heart.
and her storm ripped his world apart.
there's a girl standing on a cross road,
wishing upon a star she'll never hold.
she told you not to fall,
she warned you that it would never end well,
yet still.....
you fell.

Remember me? I was there when you were scared,
Remember me? as I flitted through the air.
Remember me? I was a shadow in your magnificent light,
Remember me? bathed in sorrow, I followed you, into the night.
Remember me? When you were scared, I was there,
Remember me? whispering in your ear,
Remember me? “there was nothing to fear.”
Remember me? When you were happy, I was standing there,
Remember me? our laughter ringing through the air
Remember me? I followed you when you were lost,
Remember me? fought beside you at any cost.
Remember me? I stood beside you as you cried,
Remember me? I was always by your side,
Remember me? Why can’t you see?
Remember me? I was with you through it all,
Remember me? Ready to catch you when you fall,
Yet you can’t seem to Remember me.

I am a wandering soul, I know not where I go. My goal is not In the ending nor is it whence I came. my destiny is in the now as I dance between these plains.

I wander with the wishes and chase the petals and leaves, but no matter how far I meander, my roots will follow me.

Breathe in deep and spread your roots to the edges of the universe, in this way everywhere you go becomes home

No matter how far you go, those roots will guide you home

I am sad.
Some times it appears as though the whole world is sad
and there's a tear in the world
and I've fallen through it
and am drowning in the worlds tears.