I'm hurt

I'm hurt
I'm hurt

I'm hurt
Because I just realized

You were hurt
By someone that didn't deserve you
By someone that didn't respect you
By someone that didn't see your beauty

By someone that didn't appreciate you

All your grandeur, he didn't see
And that was your cue

I'm hurt because
When you were hurt

The only way you saw healing

Was by masking your hurt
Not caring who you gave yourself to...
What you gave of yourself
To all that fitted the shoe

So you stacked them up
In the hideous name of "not catching feelings"

You let them do as they wish
Touch you as they saw fit
I'm not saying there is one without blemish
But how can this pass without anguish
When one is truly supposed to love you
To see a queen live like a peasant.
And not cry to sleep in anguish,
When they're in awe of the queen within.

So many have grappled
On this emerald
That you became numb.

Can you even feel that?
My warm hand on your heart.

You say it was about keeping Her happy
How true is that?
How happy was Kylie?
How long did you keep her happy for?
How long did your satisfaction last for?

He dug a hole
You tried to fill it with sinking sand
Now whoever dares to tread
Is actually walking on a thin thread
Slowly slipping
Into the hole you didn't make whole

You sing "men are trash"
As if they are the ones you didn't give Kylie to.
I'm sorry if this is coming off too harsh
Because I want to love Kylie too.
But you gave her away
Turned a blind eye

Put conviction in your reason,

Camouflaged the tears,
Like putting sunglasses on blind eyes.

You sing "men are trash"
"Men ain't ****"

Yes, we make the lyrics
But sometimes women play the instruments

And this, some horrific genre

That we play on social media...

And parties

That we enjoy
With a little bit of intoxication
We enjoy the band play
With a few likes and DMs
We enjoy the band play

You sing "men are trash",
You tell me I'm trash.

When all I'm here for is to love you,

To truly love you of a few.

Not for a motel night's crash
But for a home.
Not for a bottle and some musical trash
But for some Shiraz, soulful indie music and romantic dancing in the dark.
Not to take advantage of Kylie

But to love her too.

You tried to heal
But you didn't.
And I see your beauty
I appreciate you
I respect you...
I see how special you are
How magnificent your mind and soul are.
Your glimmering smile
Your astronomical eyes
All that grandeur,
I see it.

I relish it.

I'm hurt
Because you're still hurt.

I feel like I'm sinking
And you're watching me
Like it's fine because this is the farthest anyone has come in this sinking sand

I want to love you.
I'm trying to love you.
But the hurt you let define you.
Is now veiling what I harbour for you

I'm hurt
Because I want you to stop hurting.
And to help you
I must help myself...
So that I can lift this veil.
For together we can take control of the helm;
Enabling what is meant to be,
Be.

Love.
Evil.
A conjugate pair.
True partners in crime.
Be careful,
But don't stop moving forward.

A spark of light in the darkness that is my life;
a resonance of warmth that my soul can only attempt to illustrate using words.
The cause to conclude that happiness exists beyond illusion
revealed itself to me as swift joy personified across mans face.

The naked eye now convicted it had clearly deciphered
that the rise of the cheeks was seemingly encouraged by genuine emotion.  
Those crescent moon-shaped lips that caused my reality to doubt perception:
the Plague in my dreams which my consciousness envies.

Witnessed once and never again – but my soul still melts at a memory which is as vague as the figment that is my childhood.
A pseudo-consolidation of the truth of my imagination
breeds a reminiscence of the parallel between life and love.
The gift of happiness, though only for a while,
oh dear stranger, thank you for your smile.

The sun rose in her heart
Whilst her thoughts and words
Often reinforced with thorns
Like barbed roses.
The sun rose in her heart
And radiated through her smile,
Know
There aren't many things
More special to me
Than your smile mom.

But your laugh,
Your laugh
Mom,
It fills the air
And purifies it
Like a serum for dark energy.
Know
There aren't many things
More special to me
Than your laugh mom.

But your touch,
Your touch
Mom,
It comprehends my body
Sending signals to my mind and heart
Assuring them all is well
Massaging the stress away.
Know
There aren't many things
More special to me
Than your touch mom.

But your wisdom,
Your wisdom
Mom,
It trains and protects me
From evil and unnecessary unwarrented damage
Forges my spirit, moulds my perspection and quenches my ignorance;
Conditioning me to be unorthodox and different
Nurturing my growth.
Know
There aren't many things
More special to me
Than your wisdom mom.

But your hug,
Your hug
Mom,
It keeps me warm
Even in your absence
It envelopes me like a blanket .
Know
There aren't many things
More special to me
Than your hug mom.

But your presence,
Your presence in my life
Mom,
It is nonpareil.
Know
There aren't many things
More special to me
Than your presence in my life mom.

Oh but your love,
Your love for me
Mom,
It made all the difference
In my life
In the world
It has made paths
Where there wasn't land
It opened a door that was bolted shut
It is the light in my darkness.
Know
There aren't many things
More special to me
Than your inexhaustible love mom.

The sun rises in your heart mom
I can't not help but wonder how special I am
To be a recipient of that
And bask in your awesome love.
I want you to know,
I love you infinitely
Mom.

By default
Through sin
To the devil
I was in dept of This
My quaint spirit

There's an ever-growing universe of sin
One who's boundary you'll never see
No matter how deep you swim
Unreleventing your Olympic swimming skill
This vast sea of blackness
And death
In that blackness
And death
Jesus paid for my bill
To that loan shark
Strapping This, to the most buoyant life-jacket
Swimming This, out of this sea
Where This, was lost, dead and couldn't see.
Only by Choice.

You've kept me alive all this time
Taken well care of me
Never faltering
I've always boasted about you
And the family.
Until I came to varsity.
Where there a see of stars
Good and bad
Great and ****
Poised and lost.

You were cool at first
Perhaps because of all the joy rides you were on
Distracted you of what's always been in front of you
Maybe just immature
Without knowing what you fancied
But down the line
Once you got out of that themed park
You began giving me problems
But the more I fed you
The more you craved
I see you'll never get enough
You'll never be satisfied
You shouldn't

I appreciate you
But I'm mad at you
Out of everyone there is,
Why did you have to choose her?
When you are fully aware
Of who she is.
I too take some of the blame.
But I'm rational and you're not.
And now we're stuck in a net.

I shall be honest
This is a puzzle I can't picture
This is a puzzle I'm afraid embarking.
But whatever happens,
Promise me you'll continue beating
And never stop growing
Even if love takes us hiking up Kilimanjaro.
Never give in,
Keep your head up.
Keep me up
With the love you harbour for her,
With your love for me.

I committed suicide;

Unwillingly
Excruciatingly
Consciously

When I left you, N
You took my heart with you
Where it belonged
I bled that day
I bleed today
Slowly running out of blood
Like a wounded soldier
Because you were the blood in my veins.

I've been dripping blood, D
Leaving trails of an utterly wounded man
Needing a doctor
At least to stop the pain.

Just thinking about you hurts, I
Everything reminds me of you...
Of us
It hurts to know, I hurt you
The only one I've loved!
Maybe will love

I committed suicide,
By letting my Queen go.

I died,
When we died.

Staring into darkness
Set on sparing nothing
Poised in calmness
Frantically navigating for something
Preferably powerful
An idea of significance
Something to stupefy doubtfulness

Then it hits you
Significance something you brew
Just by your variable in the equation of the cosmos
Each life is a story to be told
To be leached by the unfortunate that don't possess an ink pumping heart
A story to change a life
A perspective
The world

You are a story
You are significant
So Let them leach;
And allow me to sleep
To be devoured by this darkness in peace.

Sometimes it's easier to keep them in
More difficult to control.
They run around freely
With no restrictions or boundaries
Daring sanity and consciousness.

It's more calming to bound them to the laws of physics.
To make them bow before science
Just like the mechanics of mountains
In a form they will stay true.

If only I could discharge you, out into the world.
But you are stubborn
Clingy
Like children clinging to their parents

It's okay I say
There is a safe haven I know you can stay
Where you will be a statue
Where stardom will find you
And maybe
Just maybe you would become a monument.
A place where you can be treasured forever.

I make you angry
Not because I like seeing you mad
And hearing you scream at me
But because it's the only way
I get you to
Pay attention to me.

I didn't see it coming
Like a storm
You came
And numbed my will
To choose the one I chose
But to choose the one you chose
This reserved heart you struck Cupid

Against my will
I fell inlove.

It's astonishing how difficult I find it to transform my thoughts into ink these days
I don't know how to say it
I guess I never have

Maybe my emotions were conceived this way
To be introverts
To hide in the cave
Where it's nice and warm

I do think about you often
morning midday midnight
Almost as much is the fine grains of sea sand at the shore
Often as my heart softens

I sometimes wonder whether this tortoise computer is a blessing in disguise
Because in the interim as I wait for her while she toils to open a file
I get pirated somewhere in the horizon of your aquarium horizon eyes
Hark, for in that interim
I'm lost in your sweet alloy love
Here in your Turquoise Horizon eyes.

With every breath
I feel the kryptonite continue to smother my heart
Slowly but surely
In this miracle
This is my part
The ostracised great kid
It is then that you're at your pinnacle

You've always been my hero
But you're the first
The first hero I know
To hurt your followers
Except I've always been your only follower

Since the day you took my hand
And walked me through the forest, tight gripped
When we got to the desert
It took it's scorching toll on you
And your grip got weak
You forgot that there was a child holding onto you with his life

Even though you trudge Along
I know you'll get to the end
And when you do
I hope you'll still love me when we reach the forests again

Even though your Monday-blue eyes look at me
And send me spiralling down into psychosis
All the way down
I'll send you gamma ray messages
Saying,
I'll always love you.
My hero

Du-dum...
Du-dum...
You hear that?
I do
That's a heart beat
I know
I know because when I look at you
You look away
And when you look at me
I do the same
Past each other
A sneaky sway
Hoping not to be caught
Not to link
A fight that has to be fought
A heart beat that I hope
And obliviously ignore
That isn't somehow intertwined with thine heart
An honorary fight between two foes
Heart and mind
Turning a blind eye
To the beauty of that instant
Where it feels like energy surging through the air in synergy
An electrical connection
Maybe enough to solve the worlds problem
An instance that maybe, just maybe would paralyze even the great Michael Angelo in awe.

Somethings can be known but never be spoken by the mouth,
Only to be communicated through the language thee eye shall speak.
Du-dum...
Du-dum...
Do you hear that?
Shhhh,
It's a truth that may never be told
Never for anything to be sold
But it is one that l'll always see in thine eyes

I've been so lonely;
My body now enjoys the feeling of being only.
It's almost like my soul has become numb
And it don't care no'more
Because this love that you promised me
Doesn't seem to exist at all
And apparently there's a fee;
I get to watch what it feels like to belong
While I sit amongst everyone
and yet feel alone.

She has a way of tormenting you
In every direction you try take
She gives you a curfew
Hoping, probing, that you, too, slip through the cracks.

I wanted to be a astronaut
To explore the universe
To find my destiny
Through the black hole
And out
Spaghettified or not
When my now cuffed-mind
Soared the air
With wings dispersed in the wind
Still when she didn't care
And thought I was harmless

She tried shooting me down
And got one through a wing
Now I think I want to be an accountant
Mediocre and sane

But who wants to have sanity
When you can be in it?
So I crashed into Hyperion
And as high as I am
She still sends her vicious winds
To try and cut me down

But her torment crafts precious stones
So in the interim
I'll hold on
Hoping that I can un-cuff my mind
Keeping a birds-eye view
Like a leopard waiting for its ****

So that one day
I can glide the universe
Wings distributed out wide
Skillful and experienced
So she can never shoot me down

Now
Perched on Hyperion
Patient and vigilant
I wait

You betrayed me a few months ago
When I needed you to come to my rescue
The way you used to
When my world felt like it was collapsing
That was your cue
But you never came through
And now I need you

And sometimes
Reality
Isn't so bad...

I see her tears
She lost her mom
Maybe one day
She'll be back
But for now
She's gone
With her mom

Death, I blame you
For this
And more heartache
Oh, I haven't forgotten
You took something
That belonged to me
When I was young, innocent and naïve

You've been bullying
people for too long
And now that I've grown
Meet your death sentences
My shape shifting pen:
Riptide!

Subconsciously,
I replaced your emotions
With emoticons
Your eyes
With profile pictures
Your voice
With fonts
Falling into this technological abyss
How could I be so stupid
Thinking whatsapp
Could compensate
For your aura.
And now consciously
I suffer...

My intention was to come to a halt
But like momentum
You kept me going.

My biggest fear
Would be
To be
Without family love.

I hope my words
Cauterise all your scars
Strobing light your way

Every night
I go to bed
And look into the dim air
And wonder
If the difference
I could've made
Was made;
Sculpted to it's perfect structure.

Imagination
Is all that is required
To write a haiku.

Here’s a breathing rose
Partnered with a prose
Not to entertain
Or grow old
In thy memory box.
But rather;
Here’s a breathing rose
Partnered with a prose
And a master piece
To entertain
Thy scarlet heart
That maybe it will replace
Thy blood cells
And grow old
Breathing significance into
Thy memory box
Here’s a breathing rose
A breath that shall soon be no longer
But here is a master piece
That shall forever breathe with the rhythm of thy heart
Assigned to remind you
Of this night
In hope that it will be
The pioneer of the warm tears
That shall run down thy cheeks
And it be known as:
Euphoria.

Look at me
I'm beautiful
I am an object
Of poise beauty
You could juxtapose me
On the libra scale with the stars
Or even better
To the stars
That discos the night
Perfect to look at, light-years away
Look at me
I am gorgeous
It's the face isn't it?
Or maybe my torso
Perhaps my thighs
And legs
Or could it be my eyes?
Look at me
The ruler of beauty
Like the models
That you drool over
Look at me
But be careful
Because I am the object you see
That you might see
In your pupil
Look at me
Because:
I am the mirror
You see.

Perfectly fine
I was perfectly fine
Without U.

The story made perfect sense
But U came along
With your different motives
And altered it's meaning.
"Undefined, Undermined, Unimportant
Unashamed, Unable, Unacceptable."
It's all because of U

But You see:
I've been messing with U!

As your perfume inebriates my senses
My arms around the thighs of you - a paragon of beauty.
I can hear your heart pumping against my chest
You have numbed my senses,
You have intoxicated my soul.

You see,
You
Ndi
You came along into my life with such ease,
Like the ebb and flow of water.
Yet you have begun a war in my life;
My eyes think they're most blessed,
They linger on your beauty
And savor on the beauty of your eyes,smile
But everyone else disagrees.
My ears relish on your voice.
The kind words and witty remarks.
My skin boasts on the tenderness of your skin.
Though if you walk a mile in the shoes of my heart, you will realise
It embarks on an incomprehensible journey.

And here with your legs between mine,
your head on my shoulder,
My heart knows it's in the right place.
It ponders on how it came across you, however.

As I bask in the feeling of your fingers between mine,
the adrenaline rush that runs through my arteries, down my spine.
I gaze into your eyes and wander...
Wonder!

As I analyze the memoirs of you,
your scent that lingers still...
the makeup that's smudged on my collar.

As my heart travels at  the speed of light at every thought of you,
All I see,
Vividly,
is you, Ndi.
My paragon of beauty!