Tiresome, both rowing the boat with much force, never knowing how long it take for them to reach the shore, she made a mildly funny statement, “our tears have probably increased the amount of water in the ocean..”. It’s been 4 months since they've been lost in the ocean, in the middle of nowhere. They’d stare at the blue skies daily, hungry? Yes, when both of their stomachs growled they glanced at each other and said, “Love requires you and I, not money, nor food, not anything, just you and I, you being here to experience my pain and happiness is more than enough”. Everything in the world could be reducible, but their love was infinite, they could never understand what love was, nor did they ever want to. Sunsets were still so beautiful, morning stretches were still required, and they were tense less because they never wanted to feel crunched and moody. Good nights were still vital; kisses were still heavenly, rich in thoughts, always tranquil, hardly any infliction. They needed no therapist, the sky was always there to hear their loudest cries, they needed no music, the waves crashing kept them sane, and when they were silent they’d listen to each other breathe. They did nothing but enjoy their company, smiling at each other is what they did mostly, they didn't know what being hopeless was, they were each other’s hope. Night skies consisted of shooting stars, they only wishes for another day to live and survive with each other because that’s all they ever needed. They’d come up with little stories for entertainment, laughter was never absent. Sometimes thoughts are better spoken than written, that’s how it was for them. They didn't have to read each other, a glance into each other’s eyes unlocked their thoughts and desires, both consisted of one another, they never knew when they’d reach shore, but what did know was that they were born to die in each other’s arms, whether in the ocean, or somewhere in a mountain range. Night came, the sky was filled with stars, and he thought stars were a reflection of her glistening eyes he often lost himself in. He awoke one morning hungry as usual, but still smiled because he knew he was about to look into the eyes of his love. He thought he had become blind, because she was nowhere in sight, panic ran through his veins, his bones weakened. He yelled and yelled at the sky, at God, asking where did he take her, why did he take her, why would he take his only happiness, the questioning became severe he couldn't find the words he was trying to say, and his beliefs began to disappear. She had fallen into the depths of the sea during their sleep, his soul was empty, and without it he could never look at anything without adding a meaning only he knew. Sea shells didn’t sound like the ocean anymore, coast to coast his chants overpowered the splashing waves, what hard did he do to God for him to do such a thing.. He slept for days, and his cheeks had a salty taste to them because of the tears. He wasn’t sure if it was an illusion or an imaginary place up ahead, but he could see the shore. Keeping a straight face, he pulled himself together with his heart full of hopelessness and took a deep breathe of the fresh air. He knew that it wasn’t his destiny to make something of himself in the world of opportunity and find more forms of happiness. He took a glance at the ocean and walked away from it, from home. The second he turned around regret covered him like the ground in a forest during fall. He turned around knowing he’d never see land again, he took a step forward towards the ocean and felt the sand swallow his feet as if they wanted him to stay. He knew it was his destiny to find her whether in this world, or the other, he knew he’d see her again. He had brought nothing but little hope that he was building up in his soul on the boat. Spending his hope daily, he knew he’d go broke. She wasn’t in sight and his destiny began to depend on death. One night, more than usual he began to question God and the plans he has in store for him. He asked God if he has plans for him to take his life away by himself, the emptiness in his soul was like a lung without oxygen, there was no way he could keep going... On the ledge of the boat where he was standing he heard voices coming from the ocean, the voices felt like a rope pulling him in, they must have known the reason why he was debating to jump off. The voices in the ocean had felt the emotion through the tears that have dripped in it. From all the voices, one sounded distinct and loud, it was asking, “Why are you doing this? Why are you questioning the destiny I have for you?” He responded saying “To take her back from you, if your destiny requires pain, I don’t want it, and I’ll find her and make my own.” Without hesitance he jumped off and for that while, the ocean was filled with reason.

I was wondering if I could make your heart my home
What is a home? A cozy kind of feeling where you feel loved?
Maybe I won't make it to see my mothers will
Maybe I won't see tomorrow
I'm wondering if you can be my tomorrow
Something to look forward to
I like to go into the woods and look for hope
I never find it, but I search to keep myself distracted from finding a rope
My phone's on airplane mode
I'm listening to liquid summer by diamond messages
This song brings me back to the summer
Same pain, different weather
If I were to be a dealer of some sort, I'd overdose on my own hope
An ounce of hope would do me good right now
I'm smiling right now, and I think it's because I'm thinking too much
Haha
I'm on my bike, just standing looking at cars pass by
Down on my mind, above the ground
I'm wondering what I should call the book I'm writing
The Art of Contradictions or The Art of Progression
My aunts cousins husband got me the bike I'm on, what the ****
I dont know what I'm doing I'm sorry
I'm an artist, not a lover
I try to be, once again... I'm just an artist
Sorry if I hurt you, I don't know what I'm doing
I'll do my best to love you, even if I dont know how to.... its 4:50 and I'm just an artist... sorry
It is now 5:34 and I'm sweaty, and cold
I never really got that combination
I quit smoking two days ago, so much for being sober
Im wondering how love can be young
Love doesn't age, a person does
Not too long ago I was eating pizza, now I'm here
Where is here? I dont know, it's not a home thats for sure
I'm surrounded by bricks
They protect me from the rain, but not from the tiny soldiers fighting war in my head
I'm on airplane mode and I'm wondering... I think I'm a phone on airplane mode
There's no use to a phone without internet or service
I wish I had my fathers bags, I also want to get you flowers
Black roses represent my soul
A rainbow represents the inside of it
My name is David Bojay, and you can call me whatever you want
I call myself a passionate suicidal artist
I hate to love, and I love you

too many lies have made me blind

i'm just trying to make myself feel and be better, but i wasn't a great partner.. always two sides to the story

she pointed out things i already knew about myself, i'm not perfect but i try to be patient with myself... if I could I would've rushed the process

i'm worth it, yes... i think... but sometimes it doesn't feel like i'm worth my next breath of air

i've always had an issue with that until it backfired, one bullet turns into 100

right at me, if they were real i wouldn't try to dodge

questioning the "logic" behind these emotions

imaginary weight? but it's dragging me down before the sun rises again

i don't have anything to believe in, i'm not the one for her... is what she's decided

nothing is right for me... after endless mental agony

facts don't make me feel better, but it's good to be honest

always better to be honest... things are **** at the moment

there's nothing to do but live through it again

i was... dumb to think otherwise

they say to step away at first sign, but you always want to try to fight it

for the sake of making things work, even if they don't

i've given up plenty of times, this time it feels like i shouldn't again

when i should, again

here it comes

i get it, i get it

ahhhhhhhhhhh

yes i'm flawed... i know... i'm still... growing eww

sooner or later

"just let her go"

it's so simple... she's vanished

and it wasn't meant to be, but i thought she was the one to settle down with afterall

she's hung up on an image, multiples

if it makes me feel better, believe it

she just wasn't into me

just focus.. on living, not just exisiting

imagine loving someone that doesn't love you back

thinking about a certain future that's been taken away


my mind is lost right now.... i'll let it run for a bit until i can catch upppp


dreams unlived


i dreamt about our kids last night and I forgot to tell you


an ending with too many photos to feel alive to

Boy: "Dad i think I'd rather take the bus today, I don't feel like walking, can you pack my lunch right now as I get ready?"
     (Boy goes into room in a stomping movement)
     (Dad starts preparing lunch)
Dad: "Are you staying for tutorials today? Your grades dont look so good, and it's starting to reflect how you're acting at home.
You're always so lazy now."
Boy: "I'm not sure if I want to stay for tutorials, I'd rather go to sleep afterschool.
School is tiring.
I'll be home later than usual though."
     (Boy starts walking towards the door and checks his pockets for money)
Dad: "Okay, well be safe, where are you going afterschool?"
     (Boy turns around)
Boy: "I was about to tell you, I need 40$ for a fieldtrip today, sorry for the late reminder."
Dad" You should've told me earlier, I'll go upstairs and see what I have in my wallet."
     (Dad goes up the stairs rapidly)


There's times where lying creates curiosity in a mans heart, and wonder if the liar is really telling the truth.
Although they know, they dont want to say anything, they'd rather trust.
Sometimes I lie, sometimes can be all the time for some people.


     (rapid steps going down the stairs)

Dad: "Here we go, $40... What time do I pick you up from school?"
Boy: "Around 7:30 pm."
Dad: "Alright, I'll be there.
Hurry out, you're going to miss your bus."
     (Dad grabs boys head, and kisses his forehead)
"I love you son."
     (Guilt glows in the boys eyes)

Boy: "I love you too dad..."

     (walks away slowly not wanting to admit his lie)


     (boy walks into school)
     (greets his friends)

Boy: "Aye, Matthew, you still down for afterschool? I got the $40, my stupid dad actually bought that I was going to a fieldtrip, we have until 7 to get back."

Matthew: "Dude you dont feel guilty? Not even I would lie to my dad face to face."
     (Both laugh)
Boy: " Is your friend still hooking it up with the *****?"
Matthew: "Yeah, he's coming along with us, I hope you brought a jacket, it's going to get cold tonight."
Boy: "I did, dude I'm nervous, what if we get caught."

People have instincts on whether or not they committed something bad, the boy knew he had committed something bad, something he knew he'd regret at the bottom of his heart.
The trust in his fathers eyes killed him the second he went out the door towards his bus stop.

Matthew: "Trust me we wont, give me the $40 right now and I'll get us two grams of white widow, or do you want OG kush?"
Boy: "White widow, I was reading it has "cooler" effects when you're high."
Matthew: (laughs) "You're lame for looking it up, either way thats very true."

     (Both kids walk different directions at the intersection of the hallway)

Boy: "Alright, well I'll see you afterschool by the lunchroom vending machines."
Matthew: "Alright, I'll see you there...
And dude, don't worry, we'll be fine."

     Throughout the whole day the boy was anxious about what was going to happen afterschool, they didn't really plan anything, they just wanted a good time with marijuana and liquor.
Sometimes when I'm smoking I think if its really worth it, then I remember I'm sad for the moment, and these herbs I'm puffing on will make me smile for a few hours.

     (Boy sees Matthew from a distance and yells his name out)

Matthew: "Aye, I was just looking for you, we going? My friends waiting outside."
Boy: "Hell yeah I'm ready" (he answered with slight tone of worry)
Matthew: "Alright let's go, I've been waiting all day for this."
Boy: "Same here."


     (Both walk up to a black car by the side of the school)

Matthew: "Jesus! How've you been? This is my friend, he's going on an adventure with us today, he bought us some widow."
Jesus: (greets himself to boy, and unlocks the car doors)
I've been good man, just hanging out, work is going slow though. Nobody wants to get tattoos right now, maybe after graduation.
I'm so glad I dont have to deal with school anynore though, my mom always ******* at me for dropping out."

I dont think school can make or break your value as a human. I feel like whatever you love, is enough to pursue. I dont think can school can define intelligence. I feel like self perception of value is so low. I feel like people that love you will always tell you your value is higher than what you think it is.

Matthew: "****, mothers can be a hassle, atleast you love what you're doing now."
Jesus: (Looks at the boy) "What about your mom, what does she get on to you for?"
Boy: (looks down) "My mom died in a car crash... she was intoxicated, and didn't stop at the red light, and an 18 wheeler slammed right where she was sitting; the driver seat..."
    
     long silence
Jesus: "Sorry to hear that bro, I wouldn't have asked if I didn't know."
Boy: "It's fine, we should get going now, there's cars behind us and we're causing traffic."
     (drive off)

The boys vibe was killed by remembering the thought of his mom dying.
He asked Matthew to roll up a blunt, he was starting to get sad.
All of them took hits from the blunt, and soon they were touching Gods feet, and laughing so much.

Sometimes when you remember something you dont want to remember, you do things that can put your pain to ease and convince yourself that you're happy. Little lies.
Little lies to make you smile.
Little lies to make you feel relieved.
Little lies to be accepted.
Little lies.

Jesus: "Hey guys, I'm pretty ******* high, lets go somewhere and relax, I know this place where you can look at the whole city from a cliff.
You guys want to go?"
     (both nod yes)


     car pulls up at a cliff
Boy: "Dude this place looks amazing, how'd you find out about this place?"
Jesus: "I was wandering the woods and found it, amazing right?"
Boy: "Hell yeah, the view is great."
Matthew: "Will you guys accompany me to a beer or what?"
     Both smile and start drinking heavily

The boys didn't notice, but they were intoxicated, and higher than the Empire State Building.
Before they knew it, they were in tears expressing everything they wished people knew about them.


Sometimes your consciousness explodes when your body is let go from reality.
Emotions flow like waterfalls, fast and carelessly.
Unspoken feelings are yelled into the oblivion.


It's 7.

Boy: "*******, guys I need to get back to school, and if my dad finds out I'm drunk and ****** he's going to **** me!"
Jesus: "Keep your calm, here take a hit from this."
Boy:" Dude no, I have to go, drive me back."
Jesus: "Fine, Matthew can you drive? I'm too, well you know."
Matthew: "Sure."


All three were sharing laughs on the way back, and telling eachother which girl they wanted to **** from school. Matthew was sharing his roadtrip idea he had for the summer, and Jesus was saying how much **** he'd buy for the trip.
All three were excited, because they knew they had each other.
They were each made from different backgrounds, but they became the same when they smoked and got drunk.

Boy: "Matthew look at my eyes, they look red as ****, look at them!"

(Mathew turns around)
Matthew: "Hahahaha, dude they're so red, we need to buy you some eye drops."

(Matthew accelerates still looking at the boy)

Tire squeals were heard from a distance, but kept getting closer.
(Matthew immediately turns around)


He tries to brake, but it's too late.
His reaction was too slow, his vision was blurry, and didn't know where to turn.

Ambulances covered Jesus's face while on the bed he was lying on.
Matthews face was unrecognizable.
The boy had lost his legs, and half of his head of missing,
His brains was splattered all over the winshield.


Later on, when the dad found out his only son had died, the week after the incident, he hanged himself in his livingroom.
You know, it's crazy how a lie can take away future plans and expectations.
Plans erased.
Expectations like they never existed.
People's footsteps on earth, like if they never stepped on it.


My mom used to tell me it's wasn't good to lie.
I didn't believe it, lying had brought me a long way when I was a child.
I never knew I was going to suffer consequences 5 months ago, when I was suicidal because I was depressed.
I guess every lie I said came back as big drops of sadness raining in my heart.
I guess it's better to feel pain in truth; in the present,
than to feel pain in the future because of something you could've avoided with honesty.
In the end, it all catches up to you.

People have different definitions of joy, and I can honestly to say that you are my joy.
I’ve never been so proud of my joy.
With everything that goes wrong in the world, there’s always the sun shining in the dark.
When I think of the sun enlightening people’s souls, I think of you making everything easier for me.
I feel cold at this moment, and it’s not the weather.
I could be outside naked, it could 0 degrees, and I still wouldn’t feel this cold.
I want to be your first and last kiss.
I want to be your everything.
Everything that makes me happy, I share to my world.
I share to you in other words.
My world is filled with soft green grass and the idea of it makes me tremble.
The tears of tonight will remain until the day you comeback.
I wonder what you’re doing right now, its 7:49 pm, and I’ll probably do things in between while typing this.
I hope you’ll still wake up and think to yourself that I’m yours, because I am.
And I’ll be yours until the sun doesn’t give out light anymore.
I’ll still wake up with hope, because you’re in my soul, my heart, and mind.
You’re my hope.
I’m sorry if you get teary.
If so, my intentions are only to make you happy.
Like always, everything for you that I do is to make you happy.
Even if I’m not there with you, I hope I’m in your soul, heart, and mind.
I know nothing will ever change between us, a few weeks from now we’ll be laughing, hugging, and kissing.
I’ll be taking you flowers to your doorstep, and I’ll be taking you out on dates.
We’ll get on train rides, and we’ll fall even more in love under the stars in Dallas.
When I heard you cry, I shattered, everything for one split second seemed impossible.
My voice started to crack and I felt like a new born baby.
I was so confused on who I was, I started to cry.
I never want to make you cry again.
The only time I want to see you cry is when I slip on that ring on our wedding day.
I’ve put so much thought into our future, the feeling when I do has never felt so right.
Never have I believe in something so true like you, I don’t need religion.
You’re all I need to believe in.
If you ever fall, I’ll be there to pick you up.
Even when I’m at my lowest, I’ll be there to pick you up.
Always remember, you’re not disappointing anybody.
I’m proud of everything you have accomplished.
I’m proud of you, and everything you have done.
There’s nothing to be disappointed about.
Trust me; I look up to you in so many ways.
You have inspired me to be the person that I am today.
I can’t improve on myself anymore.
Because you made me all that I am, and all that I ever want to be.
I’ll always be yours, and you’ll always be mine.
Even though forever doesn’t exist, it sure does seem like it with you.
Our love seems like forever.
I know you and I will walk the streets of the city holding hands.
When we’re tired of walking we’ll sit somewhere, and I’ll kiss your forehead for reassurance that I love you at that moment, and every moment that we come across.
I love you.
It’s 8:11 pm and I’m still wondering what you’re doing.
I’m wondering what you’re thinking of.
I get jealous of your guitars, because they get to be on your arms every day.
I wish I could be your guitar forever.
I haven’t eaten since 11am, and I’m not hungry.
My throat feels weird for some reason, I’m disgusted by myself.
I feel like screaming, I think my neighbors heard my scream this afternoon.
I think my walls are hurt.
I think my mouth is tired of tasting the salty taste of my tears.
I think my knuckles numb.
I feel like a clock right now, moving but going nowhere.
The hands will always wind up in the same spot.
With you I go everywhere.
You’re the portal to somewhere that doesn’t exist that is peaceful.
I know I’ll be on your mind when you wake up and you know you’ll be on mine.
You and I both know.
I hope you’re happy.
As long as I know you’re mine and I know I’m yours I’m happy.
I hope you think the same.
I will always remember the face you made when I showed you the music on my iPod.
Your eyes were filled with amazement.
If I knew what love was back then I would’ve said I fell in love with the look in your eyes.
I will always remember.
Never forget that I will always remember.
Sometimes I think how we would look like when we’re older.
Other times I think of you, and the future.
For Christmas I’ll take you on a carriage ride in Dallas.
We can kiss in the seats we’re in.
Nothing has changed; I don’t think they ever will.
Nothing has felt so real.
Nothing will ever feel this real.
When I get my car over the summer we can sneak out together and go to IHop at 3am just as you wished a while back.  
After that we’ll go to Wal-Mart and act crazy in there.
I knew it’d get to this point of satisfaction.
Even though right now we’re not at our best, we both know we will be soon.
The day I held your hand at the fair, I meant it.
That was one of the greatest days in my life because I got to spend it with all of my friends and you.
It’s 8:32 pm and I’m wondering if I’ll still be awake at 3am like I always was.
Knowing I was your boyfriend made me sleep in peace.
I won’t sleep in peace until I am again in all honesty.
The person I am at 3 am is a very bad person.
But I’ll have you to think about, so everything will be fine.
I hear the TV from my room; usually I have music on to block it out.
It’s silent in my room right now, I wonder if it is in yours too.
Whenever you feel down listen to Baby I’m yours by Artic Monkeys.
Just for reassurance that everything will be okay.
Denisse, it’s been 1,098 words and this isn’t even the introduction to what I feel.
I know there will be better days ahead, because you’ll be in my future.
It’s 8:42 pm and it’s been an hour since I’ve been sitting on this chair typing this down, thinking.
I want to listen to music, but I’m playing back things you’ve said to me in my head that has made me feel the way I feel right now.
I remember when you used a pick-up line on me in 8th grade; it was something about you wanting a picture of me and some other stuff.
I’ll never forget that.
You would wear black pants, black vans, and a white dress shirt to the concerts while every other girl would wear skirts.
During the summer we should go to concerts and start mosh pits.
During this time I’ve been typing this I’ve wanted to cry, I don’t know.
I’ll probably sleep with my Bluetooth headphones tonight and connect it to my phone that will be in the living room.
I’ll have it on shuffle; I know I’ll cry to a few songs while I think of you.
I haven’t cried in a while.
You’re worth crying for.
It’s 8:57 pm and I’m going to go shower, plus I have to put my phone up.
I hate time.
I just got out the shower, I was just standing there.
It’s 9:30 pm and I think I’m going to try to get some sleep.
I love you so much, goodnight darling, my love.
Sweet dreams.
I hope this small journey through my mind.
I’ll do this every day just so you know I haven’t forgotten about you and that I’m here.
I’ll wait for you Denisse.
I love you, peace.

I think I have found more reasons to hate myself.
I know life is about cherishing yourself being.
But I feel like a car crash that was unintentional.
Maybe my mom was right, maybe I am an accident.
I rather be a” was” right now.
“He was an accident” engraved on my stone that will stand on top of me when the earth is sinking me in.
There’s many ways to cure, but I’d rather not be cured, I deserve everything that people say I don’t deserve.
I’m a senseless kid not knowing better than to run outside half naked when it’s 16 degrees.
It’s just that I’m far too careless about myself now, and I don’t care, I just want to help people.
Maybe my soul was meant to be broken down to pieces and given out to the people who need some.
Or maybe I just spend so much time thinking I forgot about it.
My body knows me so well; it numbs itself before I torture it by punching bricked walls.
It knows me so well it has a springer in my throat because it knows how much I don’t like feeling heavy.
I know myself so well I smoke until I shouldn’t feel.
I wonder how it would be like to forget at an instant.
I wonder if true love truly waits.
I’m sorry for the love I give that isn’t enough,
I’m sorry for the love I give that is too much that you don’t want.
I know if you drift away, your reasons will always be for its best.
Maybe I’m not good at what I love to do.
Maybe I should stop trying to get people to express what they truly feel.
Maybe I should because you expressed what you truly felt about me and now I’m here playing happy chords on my piano to feel lifted from the grief.
Whatever it is that is causing this, I know its reasons are for its best.
You should really let the river in.
Maybe I am what you think of me; maybe I’m just in denial.
I’d love to see me the way you see me, why do you look up to me, why?
Is it possible to love life but also hate yourself?
How do I enjoy one thing I can’t control?
Maybe it’s progression within you.
I surely do feel a person can be classified as art by their mannerisms.
I adore a few people because I see them as art; they see me as art too do to the little I do that has helped.
I wonder if pride gets in the way of doing something beneficial to the world, what if it’s stopping people from happiness.
I think money comes and goes like happiness, you can never be so sure.
I’m only sure of very little, but who knows.
I think people tend to remember more of the bad times whether than the good, sadness is a long story, it can ruin and make you forget, and it can build and make you remember.
Throughout today, I’ve gone through a variety of emotions.
Yesterday was something I wasn’t prepared for, I always am but everything came to a sudden breakdown.
I’m going to record what I feel throughout this day until I feel like I’ve progressed with everything in different ways.
I hate time so much.
I hate how I thought a home could be in someones heart, my home is still there, but I think I lost the key; I think it’ll be lost for a while.
My demons inside want to unlock themselves, but somehow I still feel the love, I think I’ll always feel it, I’m glad I can feel imaginary things.
You know, sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t think about anything much, I wonder where I’d be right now.
At the end I feel like it’s two against one, I’m not sure what goes against what, there are just things you feel, and sometimes feeling is stupid.
I really don’t know how everything I’ve encountered has inspired me to be the person I am right now as I’m typing this in my dark room.
Little by little I start realize things I should realize when something bad happens that I overreact to.
I really don’t know what I am, sometimes I feel like my Christian phase is coming, and sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t believe.
I strongly believe in someone I love dearly, I don’t feel like I should believe in anything else.
I think that person is enough, more than enough.
But who knows, I mean I know but I don’t know.
It’s been a day since I’ve written anything on here, and I’m broken, it seems like I take a step forward due to hopes, then I step back two steps.
I’ve been contemplating so many things, I say nothing so I won’t be a burden, it feels nice to be worried for but at the same time I hate it.
I think my mom was right, I’m such a disappointment.
People at school give me reasons to look high of myself though, that’s makes me feel much better in all honesty.
I feel like if they’re secure before I am, then I’ll be okay because I’ve helped.
Its 4:11 pm and its November 25th 2013, I’ve never felt like this in my life.
I think I should be a diary to some people, I think I am.
Today was horrible, I’ve always talked about controlling my days and balancing them out with happiness but at the end I find ways to hate myself and something always has to go wrong.
Who knows, maybe my luck has ran out.
I’ve never actually believed in it, but if I did, I don’t think I ever had any, except for some cases; the people I’ve met are most beautiful.
There are days where I feel determined, there are days where I question my determination, and maybe everything will be okay.
But then again there are always those doubts that bother me.
Its 4:32 and I’m contemplating something really hard.
I think it’s time for me to go.
It is now January 12th
Im back.
Save me.

I really dont know how much time you have
Your bags are getting lower and I'm loving you a little too late
You're getting skinnier
You've lossed 30 lbs in 1 one month and I think this is your last year standing on earth
I think these are the months to pray
It's a little too late
Don't deny your sickness, when even you know you're ill
You once told my mom you dont pay the consequences here on earth, you pay them in the afterlife
You're paying them now
It must be horrible to live what you were planning to live in the afterlife
You're 25 x2 and I'm the mistake you love the most
Everytime I listen to Guilt Trip by Kanye West I shiver when Kid Cudi comes in
The line "If you loved me so much then why'd you let me go" hurts me so much
I remember you calling me a good for nothing
I think those words have become permanent to my thoughts
I think that's why I saw my self standing in a place for the hopeless a month and a half ago
I dont think I'll ever tell you that I love you face to face with pride in those words
Your figure is starting to become weak, and I'm beginning to worry
It's too late for that, I've come so far with a rope pulling me back
I think I've been walking backwards these passed 5 years
I didn't realize it before then
I don't think I know you well enough
I wish I knew who you truly are, soon to be were
What I do know is that you always pointed at my mother and yelled negativity
Now you're pointing at what grave you want to get buried in
You're paying death in my world you caused hell in
Consequences come in unexpected ways
I guess thats why death is catching you offguard
8 straight years hearing yells I hated
I was tired of it, but used to it as well
I'll always be your son.... dad
I wish things turned out differently
I wish you knew that deep down, I love you
The love you didn't show is slowly tying a rope around your neck
You'll always be my dad, you'll always be the monster I was scared of when I was little
You'll always be the screams of negativity in my ears that keep me awake some nights
You'll always be the July 29th I remember, always
You'll always be what made me who I am now
A suicidal passionate artist
And my friends will always try to defeat my inner war with their consoling words
What they don't know is that you'll always be with me
Even when I'm experiencing success
You'll always be there, to bring me down
And I love you for that..... dad
You'll always be my dad
And I'll always be your son you never showed love to
I love you

art is your body on top of mine

baby let me break your heart

baby i want to make you hopeless

baby i want to be the reason you’re depressed

baby i want to be the reason you consider suicide

baby i want you to cry

baby stab your **** for me

if you loved me, you’d do what i told you to do

baby soak me with your spit

dry me with your breathe

baby **** your religion praise me

give up what you believe, for me

I stopped thinking about which tree I wanted to hang from
But I still think about it, and it'll haunt me for a while
I'd picture myself getting praised, while dead
Looking down with no stare
I'll feel significant above others
Just a few feet above the ground could change my view
But it'll be too late
Imagine running in heaven and falling in love with the devil
Would you do anything for your love
Would you walk downstairs for a kiss
I'm looking at this board in my room and it says "life is good"
Thats contradictory to a kid who smokes *** and who's mom thinks he's a Christian
Maybe God gave up on me
Wouldn't you **** yourself if the person you loved the most stopped loving you?
Question after question
Thoughts turn into shots to the head
Its 4:31 and this cigarette is burning out beside the church by my house
Holy smokes
I need to go home, it's cold
Plus I think there's pizza at home, I think
Later

Love doesn't inspire me as much anymore
The moments come
But I was never good at writing down lovely moments
I think mistakes happen only after it all goes to ****
In the moment it seems like the roses have bloomed, and you feel like they'll never die
The spaces of quietness don't seem special anymore, as much
I still see beauty in the moment, but maybe not with the person I'm experiencing them with

If love came and went, I shouldn't worry about losing anyone

But that's what the meditating is for
I'm only human.... sometimes the feelings seem real
I guess that's what made me write this in the first place
Acting this poem out would just mean distancing myself from her
But I'll create the distance with this poem inside my mind

And wait for something to change my mind

Sometimes.... I can be confusing
****

im afraid the sun doesnt wait for me in the morning
im afraid people will love me for the wrong reasons
im scared of people understanding art one day
im scared people will look at me and think of me as an ideal teen dreamer
im afraid the stars are just reflections of the people who are sad
im afraid my soul is decaying as i think of ways to save myself
im afraid to let go of my mothers hand during prayer
im afraid of speaking up to my preacher about the doubts ive written about the bible
im afraid people will find out what type of photgraphy i like
im afraid people will make fun of the music i listen to before i sleep
im afraid the government keeps track of my internet history
im afraid of falling in love with the devil
im afraid of wonders i could have never thought of
im afraid im just another one Gods children
im afraid im just another one of those puppets Lucifer controls
im afraid of the eyes i look into when i look at the mirror
im afraid of a lot of things
im afraid of my mom not coming home one day
im afraid churches are illusions of a peaceful place
im afraid the only peaceful place is your heart
im afraid the only safe place is between your arms
im afraid i only feel peace when im kissing you
im afraid to live
im afraid to die
im afraid of myself

What if finding a girlfriend was as easy as finding the sun on a summers day?
What if a cat barked?
What if God was part of greek mythology?
What if living was as easy as dying?
What if forgetting was that easy?
What if loving was hard to do?
What if those eyes told a lie?
What if you are a disguise?
Its hard not to love a person like you..
What if a ***** meant sweet?
What if understanding a persons situation was as easy as just saying “I understand, I’m here for you”
What if they’re not?
What if they wanted to **** you?
What if bad was good?
What if killing a person added 1 more year to live?
In that case I would live to be 1000 years old.
But that’s just a what if.
What if, what if….

I will be depressed tonight, and tomorrow
I hate only having split seconds of happiness when I kiss you before I go to class
I wish I could kiss you forever
I wish I could kiss you hello instead of goodbye
I wish I could kiss you when the clock clicks goodnight
I wish I could kiss you when the sun is beginning to show on cold mornings where your kisses are the only seconds that can make me warm
Train rides are really boring without music
I like to play indie chill music while riding
I'd rather hear you whisper in my ear how much you love taking pictures of the city we live in
I really hope we do as we say
On gloomy days, your kisses will make me happy
The day I'm dead
Your kisses will bring me to life
Just a few more seconds alive, enough to enjoy one last kiss of happiness

trying harder than ever

keep it moving

let it flow through your will

from "when should I stop?"

to "why should I stop?"

the changing seasons go well with the way things are inside of us as well....

weirdly....sadly...happily...

it's cold out...

warming up with radiating love that's covered by my subconscious

let them be.... so that they can disassemble when you pay attention to the thoughts that make you overthink everything

conclusions in my head that didn't make sense, far from me

"me"

so it seems to be...


when will we all just laugh?

pretend we never lacked all we ever did


reflect to accept all that's been affected


in debt with the **** that makes me go in depth with a doubt that don't exist


call it quits

to be free from all that "exist"

I remember I fell head first to your big brown eyes
I hummed my favorite songs to the thought of you being there listening to my lameness
A bottle of Crown couldn’t ease the emptiness at night
I could tell you were sure when you fought for us, when the faults were mine
I painted a picture of your head on my chest with my imaginary paintbrush
I’ve been taking it gentle with the help of solitude
I’m trapped in a prism full of memories of your blank stares
I’ve let go of the pain but I still reflect on it
Expressing my feelings on it like if change came that easy
Seems like it was just yesterday we were arguing about the little things
Questions on how to strive, I never knew
Displacement of our paradigms, I always thought so negatively
I could’ve found reasons to shed a ray of light into us
Now all I have is a hologram in my mind that I try to touch and just goes through
I remember my first daydream of our future
You were wearing a white dress and all I could feel was sureness
I lived by that truth of you being mine for a long time and I was obsessed with it
I was obsessed with you and the ideas we could’ve brought to life in time
I’ve realized that you’re perfect and my feelings are just a glimpse of what’s truly real to me

there's no reason to remember about what I've desired
just like I forgot about the desire to write
I've allowed myself the freedom to do
(when I want) (focus when it comes)
it's what feels to be, spiritual progress
radiant feelings
coming and fleeting
thought forms melting before all I'm seeing
attitude is vibration
the root of creation
divine formation
through useless information
making sense without mystical procedures
wasted leisure
(false ambitions deriving from unnatural greed)
open myself to persecution
only to realize I my"self" am an illusion
so it begins, the dissolution
calm and ready
secluded in the mysteries of this great theatre
life, a series of memories arranged in the practical
harmonical manner
(if that's a word)
(keep typing)
what do I live for?
a production of symbolism
entertained in the prisms
that so happen to reflect human mischief
live to diminish
built up anguish
a hopeless wish
meaningless stitch
can't manage the baggage
inside the cerebral attic
static between breaths
the moment I'll let
settle in the sun that meant to set
(a wedding in the sky)
lost love so divine
tears rushing down my cheeks at night
reflecting on universal signs
eternal truths
3.14
pie
I sigh
a moment at a time
you can't change, only modify
generous time flies
realizations combined
directions for decisions in mind
(this life)
incline, decline
experiences desgined
in
curves, opposing straight lines
how would we even define....
what truly aligns
the spirit
continue, live like there's no finish
vulnerable
characters to diminish
predict my wishes
my heart
longing for what isn't
what was
no longer there
couldn't stare at what I couldn't bare
missed true love by plenty hairs
mistakes were obvious
I was oblivious
thinking of what could've been
again
Limited trains of thought
All I used to sought for, cost a lot
it was you, who inspired some tunes
formed by the formless wind that creates the dunes
Inevitable doom
Saudade
Under the moon
I succumb to you
act upon intentions and responses
perhaps it's way too soon
flowers yet to bloom
ideas flowing out the womb
mistakes to broom
room to improve
a struggle before you wake
less and less to rake
In and out of fantasies
can't trust in (reality)
question my sanity
study my anatomy
Zoom passed meaningless blues
I’m on my walk...
I feel better now
examine the highs before I drown again
calculate the vitamins
narratives written with my fancy stolen pen
this is.... idk

i want to be an aspiring nothing
senseless i know
i dont like getting socially acceptable answers, just to not seem weird
why cant people answer me with answers that reflect their true selves
i used to wonder if disorders were characterized by emotional and behavioral problems
and if meant to be's were planned by people
and not by God
i'd be challenging opinions on the challenged and
what do they base humans on?
chaos and not believing in the "right"?
i used to want to be "intelligent"
then i found out to be intelligent i had to meet environmental demands
i dont think i'll ever be intelligent,
and i dont think a person should be set to a title
i grow up daily, and im a variety of things
to be something in particular, there's limits
i'd rather be nothing and do all
than to be something and do one task
i used to adore the word of God,
with pain in my heart
now i get rich from less of the influential, and everything that is taught with no teacher to teach
i used to sin and wait for consequences
now i sin because Jesus Christ died for them
i used to measure my so called "intelligence" by using big words,
later i found out it didn't matter if i used big words in my simple sentences
what mattered was the meaning behind it
i used to wonder what God really meant
i used to think he wasn't significant because of the 3 letters, I was 5 years old
now thanks to beautiful printed letters in the bible i know that he's an option to believe in to be happy
"and when you pray, do not use vein repetition, as the heathen do. for they think they will be heard for their many words." (Matthew 6:7)
i guess that's why im alive, i prayed to die for me repeatedly
my selfish self didn't want to feel pain when someone i loved, left me
i guess purpose grows, and in time i'll know
until then
i'll be nothing but an expression