Maybe if I let people in
I wouldn't be so lonely like this
No one to turn to, no where to cry,
I just lay here and fester while the days go slowly by

I really don't have real friends, none that I can talk to everyday
Almost thirty years of people pleasing and they all watch me decay

I thought new hands on my skin
would burn
My skin is healthier than ever

He'll hold his cup close while she

drips
          drips
                   drips

Impatiently he'll warm her,
filling his cup

Faster
          Faster
                    Faster

Back into the ocean she goes,
He is already gone.

I've shown you all my favorite things,
But you never remember.

I could tell you something yesterday
And you'd act like it had been forever.

It was all real
For a moment
And I was sad
When I woke
But happy to have
Spent an hour with you

I broke my own heart dreaming I could deserve someone as perfect as you are.

Forty three patients, forty three lives, all counting on me under a license thats mine,
There's medicine to pass and treatments to be done, I'm trying to be fast but I am only one,
Her blood pressures low but his blood pressure is high, bed 36 is in so much pain now that they've begun to cry,
I don't mean to be so in and out, I want to take my time and ease your doubts,
a listening ear,
a reassuring touch,
But its hard to manage when corporate doesn't care about patient care so much,
To me you are person, to them you are dollar signs, I want to hear about the life you've lived but if I don't chart we'll be fined,
I'm trying so hard to get everything done, I want to be there for you,
But if I fall behind on this paperwork, they'll just replace me with someone new.
So I'll brush your hair and bring your favorite snack, after I pass all these pills I'll try to come back,
I want to take the time to listen to you
While I can't chat for 45 minutes, even when I'd really like to, I remember which pudding you prefer your medicine in, and your sons and daughters names too
I know what time you'll likely be in bed, and the time you'd like to get dressed, I know it's not enough, and I know you get depressed,
But I hope you can feel I care for you

Restless and stressed over things
I cannot control
I wish I could stand back
And look at things as a whole.

I've got pictures living in my phone
Of people I haven't checked on in years,
It's weird how long I've been alone.

My heart a hearth with endless fire,
They always return when they're cold
And I'll give and I'll give,
I have heat to share
But now I feel ice in my bones

I knew that I’d feel silly
After I had some sleep,
Because honestly, you haven’t cared for awhile-
You’ve got a new woman to keep.

I can see your game now,
You just wanted to feel tall,
And the easiest way to do that
Was to make me feel real small.

It’s fine now, it’s whatever,
I’ve wasted tears for over a month.
You could’ve just ******* blocked me
The moment you knew I wasn’t enough.

But that wouldn’t fit your narrative
Of crazy exes to collect,
Still, I hope you’ve done some healing
So you don’t peak her anxiety next.

Isn’t it so funny,
The way these things go?
Life is just a simulation-
Trust, I’m not in your loop anymore

Just like money that I can't save,
Stored up envy that keeps me caged,
Dazzling stones I'll never be given,
The calm grassy meadows when
spring has risen,
That painful neon sign before a night
full of sinnin'
Subtly surrounded by an evergreen glow, 'till one day I'm moss-from head to toe

He sent me flowers

I told him I loved you

I could have just said thank you

It's a shame you don't understand
***,
How unfortunate that I can't understand
Love.

I say I attract toxic,
Deep down I think
I crave it.

A little girl crying, a little girl lost,
Hush now keep quiet,
Our reputation it will cost.
A little girl laughing, no where to be found, do your chores and stay hidden, don't you dare make a sound.
A little girl beaten, a little girl bruised, relying only on herself, she's used to being used.
A grown woman erratic, her mind is far gone, they snicker and laugh, they don't ask her what's wrong.
A grown woman tired, her eyes all wept out, she's firm in her stance now, rebuking self doubt.
A grown woman angry, unseen for too long, she's sure of her place now, there's bass in her song.

She wants me to fail, and I know it.
I'm too intoxicated by her presence to care.

A talk with my sister, and something feels right,
She listens so calmly, she softens my night.
She saw all the bruises that covered my skin,
And says she won’t watch me go through that again.

She tells me I’m worthy of peace
and of rest,
That being myself doesn't make me a jest.
No more pretending, stop shrinking to fit-
It's not worth losing love to please others, is it?

And those who don’t like it? Well, let them all go,
She’ll stand right beside me through my highs and lows.
She says I am loved without mask or disguise,
And I realize I could've just been me this whole time.
I don't have to carry, I can ask for assistance without fear of being mocked or met with resistance.

All my time spent
yearning for the shore,
just to crave the ocean
once my hair dried.

What if I never get better? I can't beat the fear, I never get Noah's letters
What if I'm not the exception? I'm just the rule, ever gullible to affectionate deception
What if the damage is forever? We can't re-fall in love, our connection eternally severed
What if I'm only worth 49 first dates? You wake up on the 50th and decide this life you hate
What if I'm a Heather?  Exploding with you without knowing any better
What if I don't make it out of the car? Just wasted potential, never getting very far
What if I'm a bet you made with your friends? 10 days- I'm in love and your joke's end
And if I'm the bridesmaid, never the bride? I catch the bouquet- staring at you swallowing my pride

Recently I was asked to write something happy and while that seems easy,
I don't like being sappy
I rarely find beauty in things that don't bleed,
Tears and pain all over paper is much more my speed,
Should I describe a sunset?
And the peace that it brings?
The end of another day-
When the moon rises and sings
I could write about love but I've become bitter,
honestly a hopelessly hopeless romantic turned heart racing storyline quitter,
Maybe a thoughtful soliloquy about a bug, nah-
I'd think of men and that paints a mean mug
I'm sure I'll find something to pique my intrigue,
And pull me out of this pessimistic league.

I can't remember your name but I remember how wrong it felt to let you inside me

I love love as depressing as I am
But I love the intimacy-
There's beauty in holding hands
Secrets whispered closely at night,
That deeper understanding reached after the first fight

Working together to complete a goal
With someone beside you,
feeling so whole
Their laughter engraved in your head forever-
There's never been a sound that you've loved better

Caressing their face when
sadness reigns king,
Using their favorites to make them
feel seen
The electricity between two
lovers touching,
The honeymoon phase flirting that leaves them both blushing

A lover always has that certain smirk,
When everything is new and
you love every quirk
You get to be silly no matter your age,
Like fictional romance flew off the page

I love when silence doesn't have to ache,
When it's shared, not something you fake
Two mugs in the morning and
a tangled bedspread,
A soft “good morning” with a
kiss to their head

The little things that no one would see,
Like saving the last bite of dessert
just for me,
Or hearing my favorite song
and hitting repeat,
Because love lives in gestures,
not just in lusts heat

I love how romance is art in motion,
How it mirrors moonlight
across a vast ocean
Not always easy, not always bright,
But it's something sacred in both
storm and light

Maybe I'm dark and I like
to write about sorrow
But I love love even when I have
none to borrow

It's not loss of money,
not the fear of it not working out,
It's not the lack of time,
never enough to keep it all in line,
It's the day they wake up
realizing I'm no longer fun

She used to smile, and laugh so free,
She used to be silly, humorous as can be
She was adventurous and curious and kind,

She is a woman I miss all the time.

When the days are long and the laughter is loud, I never remember to write it all down.

I can't write the happy thoughts,
The good days,
The calm.

I only feel poetic when everything goes wrong

If I sit here just long enough,
maybe I'll forget

Just for a minute

If I let the sun kiss my face and the breeze cool my skin,
maybe I can pretend

Just for a minute

If I focus on the birds and my little girls laugh,
if I could just be present

Just for a minute

I can't stand you unless you're between my legs.
It's not love but can we just pretend a little longer?

If I go to the left I miss out on the right,
And I'll never know what's right for me.
But I sit and feel doom, and plead with the moon to illuminate what I need to see.

The path was a fork, cut black and white
A simple 50/50 decision.
But under moon light, it's more than I thought, with unpaved paths through the grass that have risen.

A beautiful maze, all of these ways I could get to my destination,
But each road I turn too, the next one I yearn for, so I'm stuck here in purgatory station.