It must be beautiful to not be jealous
To just feel happiness
And joy for others
Not that small pain
In your stomach
The little shocks
In your brain
The ache
In your heart

Never will I learn
To stay away from fire
Aware that I will be burned
Yet still I crave its heat

So I cut my hair
And changed my barbells
Switched out my hoop
And bought new clothes
Rearranged my room
Changed shampoos
But still I feel the same

You've got an idea of what life is
What your life should be
It's always been there
Since you were 8
Creating the future with barbies and sims

You turn 15
Your view changes
You're gonna be cool parents
With tattoos and leniency
Married to the guy you just met
You're so in love

You turn 18 now
You decide you don't want this life
Or any life
If it's not the life you pictured
It can't be a happy one
So you pull away from all the things that made you happy

You just turned 28
Surrounded by friends
A decent job
You're smiling, laughing
Reminiscing even
Only remembering the good

Our good days were good but our bad days were **** near catastrophic.

Your promises mean nothing
Your words the same
Not quite lies
But never truthful
I don't know how to play this game
You've got me beat
For once I'll say it
I surrender
You win

I want to forget what I said
But I want to remember how it feels

My mother is stronger everyday
Or maybe she's always been
This way
And I'm just now paying attention.

Maybe I'm just now seeing her daily struggles
Understanding her pain
Past and present.

Just now noticing how having a baby
At 16
Changes you forever
Never knowing who she could have been.

Always knowing I ruined chances at her dreams
Not that she would ever say that
But I did.

Every day passing seeing her more tired than yesterday
Working constantly since I can remember
Always being the supporter.

Just now wondering if she ever wonders who will support her
Or how we will function
Without her.

We won't.
It took me 20 years to appreciate my mother
And I'll never take her for granted again.

You can't find love in the arms of someone who doesn't love you,

That didn't stop me from searching  
 all night.

I am not your property.
You do not own me.
I choose to stay.

At least that's what I tell myself.