the tides swell
and hearts quell

my body shakes in anticipation
of profund ecstasy of liberation
and not the emptiness of libations

the bright moon light keeps the revelers out
thirsting for soemthing they cannot name
in a drunken fanatic frenzy they shout
claiming a new change in life when they remain the same

the ocean waves crash
and so do my thoughts
an uncontrollable maelstrom that spreads like a rash
only to find peace in the still silence I've always sought

Finally I am home and I bask in the light of the full moon

I too was a reveled once howling at the moon
but now instead I drink in the spirit of life
I might have spoke too soon
because my heart still feels stife

Do you ever feel like you’re running?
Like, you’re in a race, and you’re running faster than you’ve ever run before
Except
You’re in last place
And you can’t seem to catch up
In fact
The harder you push yourself to run faster
The farther away everyone else seems
Like in every situation you’re in, be it learning in school, or sports, or social interactions with friends, there’s this big chunk of stuff you’re missing, and everyone else is in on it, and you are left feeling confused, clueless, and less than yourself.
Do you know that feeling?
The one that you experience when the teacher always has to explain things to you a second time only they have to explain them differently, simpler, slower, every time, to the point where you no longer even listen to the first explanation.
The one when you’re with a group of people, and someone says a joke, implies soemthing, or even just speaks to you, and you turn to your friend so they can explain what’s going on.
The one when you begin to procrastinate everything especially school work and you begin just not even doing it, because if you don’t do it then no one can say you’re dumb, instead you’re just lazy.
The one when you start to understand why sometimes you are offered the same extra help as the kids seen as “special cases”
The one when you always feel lost, and start to believe you have no chance in life because you how could you go anywhere if you are constantly behind everyone else.
Do you know that feeling?
I know that feeling well.


I’m tired of always being behind everyone

And an upset stomach,
last night I did something bad, but that's
every weekend.
soemthing stupid for a spark of laughter happiness and
masking how I feel and what's really going on
I need to get it together.
but somewhere in my mind is telling me other wise.

The unapologetic ways you show your love,
When you hold my hand, and say im the only one,
But make everyone else feel that way too,
That heartwarming seconds when you say you can't live without me,
but really i can feel you letting me go ,
The unforgivable part when you say im the reason behind your happiness,
but why i feel its just another fairy tale,
then when do all these words actually bring a meaning,
when ever does it,...
But what did i ever do wrong,
Was wanting you to be my one and only a sin,.
Was it so wrong to want something , to invest in soemthing that could be mine forever,
was it so wrong to take a chance and risk it all,
you begged for me,
Once.
upon
a
time.
and that was it,
Now i can see where you stand,
i can also see my value in your eyes,
that grip of hand when you held me on the first day left me abruise i never regret, because i knew it was pure love,
but now the bruises you leave behind are those nothing but heartaches and pain,
those words you say to me I want you , I need you, i LOVE YOU are all replaced with a silent cry of Please leave me alone.,
So i shall,
one day, one day when im strong enough to let go of the one thing i never saw myself doing
but it was never me who wanted to leave,
you pushed me away,slow and bitter, like a tainted metal scraper dragging through the streets of confusion
I wished you never derailed so far like this,
but i wish one more thing,
Please dont victimised another poor girl who adores you,
dont be quick to fall in love and make empty broken promises,
So before i leave, let me run through your hair lines one last time,
let me fiddle with your warm palm,
let me gently lay a kiss on your cheek,
let me sniff your neck, oh its my favorite for one last time,
so maybe,
just maybe you will remember what it felt like loving me,
but if you did change your mind, i wont be giving you that second chance sweetheart,
i shall not regret it once again, tho deep in my heart i can feel a knife slicing me into halves,
But no, i shall not take that road again.
for all that's left is for me to leave.
Something you never found it difficult to do.
Goodbye sweetheart.

Gamble -a risky action undertaken with the hope of success.

Derived from the 18th century English word gamel, meaning to pay games.


Remember the players we left behind…
The strangers who you held one night friendships with on evenings where the sun refused to shine.
Remember the fairy lights. Remember the benches outside of Bodega and the smuggled bottles of wine. People seem so much more friendly when they drink.
But hey, if it takes a glass of poison to make us all less toxic then we can pass out happy…
We’ll creep out of sobrieties bed knowing it’ll be the angriest alarm we wake to as the sun tries to steal 5 of our 40 winks the next morning.
But you know.. Gotta risk it for a chocolate biscuit.
I’ll trade in sleep at the chance I’ll be dealt a more interesting night. Break ice with strangers at hope we both share a bit of over lives.
Trying to to create a story worth telling is a gamble.

And I feel sorry for people who fall asleep at half 11. Seems like such a wasted day.
Like if life composed of options and outcomes there must be a better way. I slay the idea that each night we have 8 hours of sleep debt to pay. Because in those wee hours of the morning, those are when demons make music videos, those are when normally vacant balconies play host to the half drunk couples finding comfort in each others bodies. That’s when the parties get quiet. When the humans have intoxicated themselves into lullabys and start softly singing their lives into the ears of a friend willing to listen and I will bet you have something I wanna hear, and I bet I'll have soemthing to give back, and while you and I are here we'll keep betting. Each syllable is a chip on the table. Each sentace is an opportunity to double down. The bar will not close, the roullette will keep spinning and we'll grow a little ritcher with every new story we share.

I make bets with time and breath.
And if you spend time with me then you will to. You the few who have paid you admission fee into my conciousness. You who throw dice with me on the empty streets where street lamps themselves begin to sleep. You who I will one day come to love.
It's risky. Risky like petting stray dogs. Risky like telling your loved ones that you've been seeing demons in the mirror. Risky like getting one knee and offering your life to someone. It is risky.... but that's fine.
I will teach you how to gamble.

I WANNA BE LIKE WILL AND JADA
LIKE RUSSLE AND CIARA
I WANNA BE LIKE BEY AND JAY
HAHAHA OR MAYBE LIKE THE GREAT MICHELLE AND BARAK OBAMA
THE ONLY THING THATS DIFFERENT IS
I WANNA BE HAPPY WITHOUT YOU!

SEE, WE WERE A TEAM THAT COULDNT BE BEAT
MORESO A FORCE NONE COULD COMPETE
TRY TO FACE JUDGMENT OF LOSING SOEMTHING DEAR
TRY TO FACE REALITY OF STANDING FACE TO FACE WITH YOUR BIGGEST FEAR
HOW DO I GET RID OF MEMORIES BUT STILL BE ABLE TO HOLD ONTO THE MEMORIES
WITHOUT HURTING OR HAVING PAIN?
HOW DO I SMILE AT WHAT WAS BUT NOT ENDURE THE PAIN OF WHAT IS?
I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY WITHOUT YOU!

I WANTED TO LIVE OUT OUR DREAMS
WE WANTED TO MAKE OUR FANTASIES OUR REALITIES
NOW I HAVE TO MOPE IN THE AGONY OF NOT HAVING YOU
BUT CAN I STILL HOLD YOU LIKE YOU WANT?
HOLD YOU LIKE A FRIEND
HOLD YOU LIKE THE DAY WILL NEVER END
HOLD YOU UNTIL DAY TURNS TO NIGHT
AND UNTIL NIGHT TURNS INTO ANOTHER MORNING WHERE WE SMILE AT EACH OTHER?
I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY WITHOUT YOU!

DAYS TURN INTO WEEKS
WEEKS INTO MONTHS
MONTHS INTO YEARS
DAM, AND ALL THIS WAS OVER STANDING FACE TO FACE WITH ONE OF MY BIGGEST FEARS?
LOSING YOU
THE ONE I LOVED AND ADORED
THE ONE I ADMIRED AND SO MUCH MORE
THE ONE THAT INSPIRED ME TO KEEP PUSHING EVEN IF ITS A CLEAR DISTANCE
THE ONE THAT PUSHED ME WHEN I COULDNT PUSH MYSELF
I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY WITHOUT YOU!

UNTIL THEN-
UNTIL MY NIGHT TURNS TO MORNING
UNTIL MY DAY BECOMES CLEAR
UNTIL MY DREAMS BECOME MY REALITY
UNTIL MY FEARS WITHER AWAY
ILL BE LOOKING HOW TO FIND MY HAPPINESS
NOT WITHIN MYSELF BUT JUST HAPPY WITHOUT YOU!

We sleep at the base of the mountain
Waiting for the path to be made
Through slopes and trees
Great boulders and caves
Back to the summit above
Yet as we wait the mountain grows
Every day whether an inch or a foot
Extending further into the sky
Unreachable and unattainable
We were promised soemthing greater
Than all those who came before us
And yet here we are
Below their accomplishments
With no way forward and no path up
To the summit of the mountain
We begin to understand
Something is missing
Something hidden or obscured
Whether by time or by purpose
And without this knowledge
Lost as it may seem
The glory of the summit
May never be revealed
So let us search now
Within and without
A hunt unending beyond what we know
That we might come at last
To stand atop that mountain
The birthright of us all

I know you for a reason. We met for a reason. The second I met you, I fell in love. The second you met me, you finally felt something. And it scared you. I'm scared. Right now, I'm absolutely terrified.  because I thought it'd never feel like this. I thought it never could. I lost my favorite person, and now I've found them again and If god is real and things really do hapen for a reason than nicole lead me straight to you and no one will ever understand it, because we share the same soul and that's why we'll never work. Because we're the same. We're both sociopaths. Dad always told me sociopaths can love. But their love is limited. and he limited his to me, and i limited mine too absolutely everything. That's why it hurts so badly. He says I've fulfilled him and he cried. I cried. We sat holding hands crying for 2 hours because i  can't live without him, and the second I let him go, I was going to have to let him go for good. I'm walking away now. This is where I leave it. But that's a lie. I can't walk away from him and I never will because if you truly Love someone, and loving and being in love are not the same thing, than that never goes away so matter the pain or the distance. I love him. We think the same way. We share the same mind. He told me that once. He told me I'm the female version of him. He acknowledged it. But he's the broken one. I'm not some broken thing to be fixed or saved, I'm just a girl who needs to be loved. And he loves me. But he can't love me. He's not in love with me. Simply, because he can't love. And I still love him. ****, I ******* love him. 7 billion people, and we end in the same place at the same time and we have soemthing this special that no words but his and mine to each other can describe or express and for a moment that's enough. But what are the odds. What are the ******* odds of that. Under this moon.