When something perturbs me to such a point
I have to step back and take the whiff of realization
The opposite of one that ***** smokers take
The puff of fresh air
The one that heals instead of one that stays stagnant
And become the mouthpiece of optimism
Because God could of put me somewhere far more hellish than this

Constantly trying to stay awake
Not enough time asleep
Because the thought perturbs me
Why waste time unconcious
Sleep should be a choice

A sadness deepens itself into the center of my body
An uncontrolling undesired sadness
That meanders my heart
& perturbs my mind

An uneasy feeling of grievous loss heaves into me
I feel repulsed by these unfortunate feelings
& I'm trying to will them to leave
I cannot explicate this harrowing pain that dredges in my mirthless soul.

I am crying out for comfort
Because my desolate-being is overwhelmed with grief
For I have been mislead by someone I thought I could trust
But they were disgraceful
& abused my solicitudity

And now I'm sitting here baffled
Because who knew.. That you could make me feel so terror-stricken
I trusted you to keep me safe when I told you my sacred secret...
The one secret that ruined me completely

But this goes to show, that you cannot trust anyone
But yourself.

You sent my quiescent heart into a beating frenzy
A then lifeless ***** pumped itself back to life
It continues to beat at this very hour - relentless, restless
However every drop of sincere love is now replaced
It bangs against my constricting ribs, fueled by paroxysmal fury
I still find it difficult to breathe

No other melody equated your mellifluous voice
Every syllable that waltzed its way out of your lips enamored my soul
Now it turned to vexing noise that perturbs the tunnels of my ears
You are a song that does not belong in my playlist
Reverberating whispers haunt the hallways of my being
The hallways that you abandoned

Your name is etched on every wall of my mind
Its letters cavorted on the vacant space, owned the space
Each wall began to disintegrate now as your sobriquets induce cracks
Saccharine endearments quake the foundations of my sanity
But my castle of thoughts will not collapse
Commencing exhaustive repairs to extract you out of my life

Picturesque moments framed in my museum of memories
Images of your smile, of your enchanting eyes - all on display
How I wish you can watch me bathe the museum in gasoline now
The lofty flames will bring the light back in my insipid eyes
You were so quick to leave, shaming athletes on a race
Incinerating all to ash, witness how the wrathful flames emulate your pace

Tiptoeing on velvet vines
silky and smooth to the touch
we dance in the twilight shades
of subtle poetic lines
trying never to say too much
thus preventing that anything fades

Imagining alternative scenes
in flexible collaboration
we dream in adjectives and verbs
as sentences rush through our veins
sweet figment of imagination
all our civilised structures perturbs

Dancing lightly across the keys
our fingers and souls thus create
quiet symphonies on backlit sheets
wishful journeys across the seas
of what we dare only comtemplate
as we immerse ourselves in these beats

As the redness of the skies envelops life
As the day stands on the brink of dying
As existence knows that, it is time to retire
I know that it is time to step into my world.

The shutters of shops go rattling down,
The chirps of birds cease, with them heading off to the nests of comfort
The honking of cars grows louder, as the desires to go back home increase
But I am restless, dying to go, in a world away from where I live.

That world houses my being, my real self, the real “me”
I am in control there; no one restricts my expressions,
No one perturbs me with hypocritical rules, ideals and regulations,
But for the wind, which comes in sometimes, to blow in those moral handcuffs-
Which are weak, but they hurt.

But once I stop that wind of limitations, I sprout wings…
To fly away with their help, and attain freedom!
Freedom from what I am forced to do, freedom from what I am forced to think.
The day has died, but I am alive, liberty at my disposal!

You might say that my world is nothing but a virtual game,
Made just by the cards of my imagination
And sure, this world falls apart as soon as daylight enters my bedroom window,
This light blinds me; it shouts at me, that my other self is short lived, as good as dead.

But though my spirit comes alive only in the dark, hidden from all,
Though my inner self lightens up, but not for long,
I am happy that I have the courage to at least release my true expressions,
I am happy that my day awakens, quenching all my needs…
As the night goes on.

Its rhythmic charade ticking, ticking, ticking perturbs me a great deal
It is trying to force on me a sense of living within and not outside its boundaries, making me feel trapped
I shift my legs slightly and my shorts rise up clinging to the tops of my thighs in disordered precision
I throw the duvet back and observe, without seeing it the discourse of history in my blood
I hear it; feel its silent speech, its frantic rush, and its inner dialogue like a hidden undercurrent coursing through all my veins.
The inner space of speech, the redundence of images a sympathetic attunement to the dimensions of words that are the medium of my new translation.
A new complete language, now, for the first time accompanies my thoughts.

How can I sit here and praise myself constantly when I can just criticize my shortcomings and be the man my father, grandfather, mother, grandmother, my sister, and the rest of the family want me to be? How do we not disappoint them? I'm always worried about the drop of their hearts. But what about the drop of mine? How can I question myself this much when there is so much left to achieve?

I give myself a few words
But really I just want verbs
You're the pretty one, but I look like Ferb
You heal my heart like the natural herbs
Seeing you in sadnass is what I would say perturbs
Me greatly on all accounts
He only cared about yours
He only cared about what he wanted
He never loved anything
She only cared about the gold
Because nobody had cared about her
She was so lost she thought the gold was all there was
She never love anything
I constantly tell myself we are a map that usually extends past our own lands
Discovering who we are by each outcome
He just wanted love when she wanted the money
She wanted the love when he called her honey
But he just wanted the fun physical time
He never wanted her
She thought he loved her
How the hell could he do this?
After everything she's done?
How the hell could he be left without anything?
He loved that woman and she stole his heart and his cash?
He tried to make her happy but she just played pretend
Now he resents women to no end
Only by one trend that he thinks has no end
But its in everyone
She now hates men
More often than counting to ten
She has now become isolated and aggressive
Some would say she's now progressive
She's looking for a man who will actually love her
But she's afraid because all men seem like pigs to hear
But really she just can't force herself to trust again
I can't blame you honey
And I'm sorry for her not being worth it brother
We have to be there for one another
Even when we think were not enough
All men seem like dogs but I'm the loyal portion
They're the ones looking for the meat
Others for other portions
Guys say all Girls are tramps or other derogatory names
But we just say that because we resent girls and hold them to a negative light
Or our fathers didn't treat women right
Or our mothers didn't teach the daughters to treat guys right
I could sit here all night
Trying to get the story details right
But that only works for my own.

I want her to be proud of me in this chaotic abyss.
I want my family to be proud of my decisions
I want my friends to feel at home
I want this song to start getting some new notes
Im going to review my own decisions like the worlds biggest critic.
But if the world loves me, I have to do what a man has to when he loves himself and take the time to improve on everything he's done so far.

Sometimes there's nothing
To see, to feel, to hear
Which announces reality
Clear, asking only to exist
And it is this that perturbs the mind so

Krakatoa in the
firelight seems
much lower now.

This density disturbs me,
the weight of listlessness
perturbs me and I'm not able to
extinguish all these influences which
seem so English in their nature.

As Krakatoa sinks, something inside me slowly thinks about the ebb and flow, the come and go and wonder if it's all worthwhile.
In a while, I'll wait and see if Krakatoa's really me or just an allegory that romanced me as we danced by firelight in the sea.

Stood out on the peninsula, alone and cold,
behold this is my sinecure,
I reap the winds of that I'm sure
but Krakatoa still looks lower than it did
a week ago.

Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless.
On my own, I am nothing, a mindless wanderer.
Day by day, I prostrate and kneel
Ask the Lord that through Him I might feel
steady and strong, that my steps would not be based
on pride, depression, and grudges I've misplaced.

I learned not to just ask for what I want
and trust that God will give me what I need.
And everyday my pride requires me to plead
for freedom from worldly desires
so that I can use the gifts that He requires.

Failure is always imminent upon me
but fear can never be my captor again
and when I was weaker I faced fears of rejection,
but now I know I will never be alone.

Still silence perturbs my hours
and doubt often controls my heart.
I've felt abandoned more times than I can count.
But when I try to deny Him and leave
He won't stand for it, and brings me back to cleave
to His promises that seem so lost and unclear to me.

And though I know some things with certainty,
like how I'm loved and known specifically,
I never feel these things consistently
and in fact distance from Him is basically
all that I have ever known and can see.

The only real reason I can give
for my faith and why I still choose to live
Is that words in the Bible reverberate with me
they come alive, if you read it you'll see
so I will wait for the Lord,
more than the watchman waits for the morning,
more than the watchman waits for the morning.

Excuse me, sorry if my existence perturbs you on drastic levels
I'm just breathing and thinking like everyone else
Not trying to trample all over you
I will be out of your way soon
I'll live on the other side of the Moon
To make it to my destination by noon
So nobody gets in a conflict
No implications

6/15/19

You are a most fragile thing,
Yes, and you’re rarely found pure,
Refreshing like a mountain spring,
He who lacks you is honestly poor.

People fear your genuine company,
Your attendance can be lonely.
So they take you into custody,
To destroy you, thinking of self only.

The collective chaos of your absence,
Somehow they thrive on it.
What they carelessly lack is balance,
We don’t get along in the least bit.

You are a most difficult thing to disturb,
You bring such a pensive atmosphere.
Distracted by other things perturbs,
But just like that, you disappear.

Sun darkens and heats in east,
balance of powers perturbs,
it'll be a sad story,
in books of history

last poet will finally cry,
and with delicate soft hands,
one, which never did a days job,
must poet carve a tear dome,
for past times, humanity and freedom

Most things fade,jaded
on the down *****.
But that leaves a great
opening. Opportunity
unavailable hitherto.
Its the non stop slide
that perturbs. As to
the reaching the bottom
-well we have not got
there yet. And the child
has to trust.

Trying to present my self as intellectual.
Makes me look like im pathetic.
I flow like water in the ocean.
Get it going like diaretic.
Spider senses start to tingle.
For the web site Christian mingle. Where I met a guy named
Shannon  bingle. Man actually had me shingle
Married to the roofing life.
Like Taylor Mackinney to her kraft singles.
Cheesy as they come. Logan gablehouse.  Is greasy.
The world is
thirsty for the fast deal
Sign like handcock on the contract.
Pro ball scholarship
But give handjobs in the back field.
Tyson smokes so much Marijuana
He knows how being black feels
When interrogated by the cops
Paranoia he doesn't act real.
My mom thinks she's European.
No native blood.
I asked her how does that feel.
She replied in French with Jordan gablehouse. Do you wanna taste your last meal...
J said you *******. Tell me how the grass feels.
And keegan just like forest Gump.
Hes dashing through the back marsh
To avoid the dudes with fast cars
Who blame him for doing bath salts...
Jack jack wanted aish so bad.
He collapsed in madness with me **** it yesh man thats real. And sad
Drugs I'm so disgusted by. I'm bring serious to say this jack. Man
You gotta say your peace. To the fake back stabbers and not take it ******* back
Get clean and sober. Stay on track
With medication.
And watch how much fakeness your closest friends shape shift and react
Funny stuff aside.
Manas really great with that.
She took two dumb ******* crazy rats.
Caged in habitat. And made them slay a crazy rap....than slaughtered them for science. Donated their *******. To science. Experiment gone violent.
She's not ok with that.
Karmin is an angel.
Thinks she names all that.
Inside her head. A secret undercover braniac.
And Riley is an amazing man.
Talented and brave as stan
But I didn't tell you.
Stan is my fan name.
When I'm ****** mister nameless slim shadey type of ****. To some gangster jams....
Grandma Gisele is a thank you mam
Do you actually spank the ham
Like Christmas web cam. Food. ****.
Christmas day. You can thank my hand....
Richard gablehouse. Was pregnant with a chicken glaze.
He undressed food so many different ways
Little booties on the Christmas bird.
Bout to expose those little legs...
Oh its just humor ***** slip off the case.
I love my dad yo pieces.
There's a reason I'm a little raged.
No one seen the terrifying look
He harbored just for me.
When I didn't obey....
We got over all that.
Cleared that **** away
We had to make up. Every 15 seconds
New fight but its a different day
I feel bad. But hey its meant this way...
Alex Fanta was in debt to native medicine that made him good and gay...
His wood is great... i hear Scott hedge brag. You thought I didn't love you guys cmon. Don't be dumb AND gay
I woulda say.
She should stayed.
But cherry your a woman stain.
You look like hulk had a vasectomy and you got the ******* stuff that hangs...
Just kidding love you babe. I'm just trying to be funny.
Scare you
Cherry you ******* dummy.
I'll always provide for you with money.
But you gotta be so ******* stun. You refuse me rights. To my kids who absolutely love me.
I said ill always take care of you.
But your going to have to stop being a dummy....
Derek Moore you mega *******.
Your nieces self  esteem is ripped. And all your other kiddies jeans. *** you had to be inside  it you ******* *******...... go eat a demons ****.. id rather be a traffic cone in **** t least you'd see my **** than be your only reason why you didn't commit suicide when God agreed with it..  at least coulda did it for the ones you loved. I know thats fuckinv mean and **** but next time you **** with me jm going to have you seeing ****...
Cherry entire family. Hold up freeze it quick. While we're out and telling secrets quick.
I ****** Ashley's boyfridnds ***** yep. At least before you two met.
I did alot of foolish ****.....
Corsette and lingerie. And of course his *** stain ruined it...
Just kidding couldnt get him off. Or even fit it in. No room and ****.
He got the hugest ****.... don't know how you don't get split in two and ****... ******* ruined *****
Or at least get **** sized bruises on your ***** and hips.
Whatever not 100 percent certain but I hope if it is true you say your cool with it.....
Dylan Hutchison I love you but you never grew up actually knowing me.
You kids **** on your dad. I know it hurt you but it had broken me...
I get it he was drunk and druggy.
But he loved you two so devotely.
Just wish you had some time.
While he was living to start showing me. You were open to him emotionally
I get it. You were busy.  Coulda sent him via email. artwork dreams and poetry... so he knows how much you truly love him.
Beneath the disconnection. Tell him how bad a place your feeling come from...
Moving on. Forget deceased.
There's still a bunch of dumb *****.
Reese swampy drop your pants punchline like 8 mile at the lunch truck...
Lyssa let's get frisky. While your cats lick my nuts like going down after 60 rounds suffering they ******* punch drunk....

Sha you **** ***** I still got a **** lets make it happen...
Prefer dudes. But who's to say a little **** show couldn't happen.
We actually had a ******* with hot muscled Travis.
We got his **** in me my **** in you
And did a little jordan sandwich...
Sheldon chartrand I masturbated thinking of you ******* me ******* it....
You could slam the pack of shingles fast. So **** black and tanned yep...
Thought about your fast hands so hot like a math lab with the Cranstons...
Exploding for Chris Roan.. who?? Chris roan... a sickness no different from cancer... i felt so much love for you. But had no ******* hope or answers... you didn't know I was this way inside. Just the way God had to plan it.... you coulda made me feel included though with out you I couldn't understand it.....theres was just this separation. Anxiety. And sadness...renuka your my favorite. Of all my mental workers...
I came to you a creep hell bent on ******. And you repurposed my inside sanity. Restoring me to perfect...
Cleared my name to child service workers..
And did me such a service...
Ryan too and garry. At least you guys live through your purpose...
Helping hand and gentle hands.
Reach every different person..
Liseanne your ******* gorgeous.
Picture perfect
**** enormous... but you set me up for stis in your quest to send off young Brianna... i got chaffing in my ****.
*** you hooked her up with more dudes. Than rihanna...
In the back of your mini van or suv can't stand it but the infection had been managed...
Sorry rihanna... I love uou your thr best so beautiful can hardly stand it
I'm rambling oh yeah let me be candid. About Travis. Matron was his last name. And he smoked crack so ******* savage.. child psychologist slash roofer. I actually believed you in a panic... don't know who's stupider. The dude who won the poker game for hoarding the titanic or the dude that.
Lost his pride and got his poker *** kicked...
Jade my truest form of poetry in nervous flight.
My girl of mine.
My nervous rhymes.
Could not muster up at courage time..
Your my first love.
For a reason the best is always first in line..
But I ****** and hurt your mind...
With my words and worthless spine..
You deserve so much in life.
I hope you know I think your worth our time...
Like a child is bursting with a nursery rhyme...
Okay its ******* ****** time...
Steven Irvine your a word so
***** it perturbs my mind.
Disturbed that I. Would like you to have courage. And turn your rap gift into words that rhyme and.
******* merk the earth this time...
Tyler moose you ***** line.
Sniffed off jet lis little ****...
You **** more ***** than Jason Bixby.
Holy **** he takes alot...
Its cool though. Say im sorry...
My motto is keep on trucking...
So much more ok so **** it..
I'll keep rambling on bout nothing....
Kayla gambler think we made a babie.. but you didn't tell me...
I hope whoever she belongs to that she's happy safe and healthy...
Nolan Robb I'm sorry for saying you ****** **** for crack. At the time my thought was that was wack. Until I sunk as low as that... current day just ****** an old guy for a sack of Molly and an open pack.... Daryl Marshall your a good dude... but your ****** up deep inside.. i can see it in your eyes... your scared of being wrong and aldo being right... you fear failure fear success. And you fly off the ******* handle... ive seen my dad get mad but jees loiuise he couldn't hold a candle...
You make Rambo look like prolapse ****** sagging in the sun...
Old ******* on your rage is much more destructive than a gun....
Jordan Marshall your a *** stain that should sat on Michelle's tongue....
Swallowed did a good job. Just ******* kidding bud.... your pretty ******* funny. And also pretty dumb ..
But at least your not like Tyler marsh shoving fisher price toys in his ***....
Oh please I got uou all beat and then some the world knows my story...
Would you call it boring... **** no.
But I no longer want the sea being stormy. I just wanna find one man after surgery get ***** and tilt his single axis planet into orbital retraction. Supernova. Every morning. ****** sweaty pores. From ***** inter planetary pornscenes.. but first I gotta morph. Into a woman so I feel more like my self inside. Its more rewarding..
To not ignore your thoughts. To have some wants. Take off early system warnings. Relax. And dream of rap gods. Jesus. And the last 15 years of poor me...



...

Though I posted the following poem
(B)efore (C)ovid, a sense
of glee donned my being
the notion arose to trumpet anew
said literary handily crafted endeavor.

Not far from here -
Schwenksville, Pennsylvania
regular folks going about their business
unwittingly participated in history,
a couple scant few years
after the American Revolution.

Two hundred forty three
(12.3 score) years ago
countless stripling soldiers
strapping farming homeboys
healthy agrarian lads
raised among generations

unseasoned lads in summer re:
offspring original settlers heirs
family acreage encompassed
wide uninterrupted forested swaths
across sprawling vistas
sparsely populated enclaves,

now heavily industrialized
lovely bones occupying
unmarked never known graves
buried amidst avast
cleft rapacious urbanization
long forgotten innocent youths

hailing within then bucolic
Montgomery, Delaware and Chester county
forsook their young precious lives
voluntarily promising sons
risking life and limb
more often former versus latter

sacrificing stripling flesh
encompassing urbanized tracts
quite familiar to yours truly
suddenly made aware
unbeknownst till yesterday
informative literary handiwork

titled "A Glimpse of Freedom"
engagingly written by Douglas Shupinski
details innocently naive country bumpkins
sacrificing potential sweat of brow,
albeit grueling labor
fostering holistic existence

transforming boyz to men
hardened green soldiers
into battle weary fighters
regarding, kickstarting, envisioning
inchoate cause named freedom
emancipating fledgling America

against British throne
awareness percolates,
perturbs, permeates psyche
synchronizing, manifesting, galvanizing
how past historical events
within close proximity,

where I mostly resided
since birth, now experience
absorption, communion, edification...
with dead souls
nearly deathly quiet
only most perceptive can detect!

I’ve begun to slip into madness.

Reminders of society bring about thoughts and stomach sensations that kind of feel like sadness.

They’re more reminders I could become sad but It’s a distant yet familiar hole

It’s like glancing through prison bars separately me from my soul.

However here I must remain as I chase my dreams in my self manufactured exile

The obtainment of true freedom, ironically requires one to be locked away for awhile.

I’m starting to believe summiting Everest is all about grip.

That’s the thing about going to the edge of reality, you just might slip.

The suspense of impending insanity perturbs me,  so I dive forward full force.

Freedom I preach, the path however, I do not endorse.