Spanish influenza
walking pneumonia
icepick headache
common cold
whooping cough
Diabetes
anorexia
getting old

flat foot
bad back
heel spur
heart attack
spasticus
autisticus
tongue tied
amb(i)dextrous

my weakness
is my forte
my sickness is  my skill
my illness
is my realness
it makes my life a thrill

Trying to fight this
bronchitis
gangrene
runny nose
frostbite
tooth decay
hat hair
broken bones

bed bound
shell-shocked
flea ridden
sinusitis
cholera
dropsy
eliphantitis
out-all-nightis

wom­b fever
winter fever
black water fever
remitting fever
ship fever
jail fever
camp fever
or schizophrenia

scarlet fever
tuberculosis
American plague
rock n roll
Wheezing
Paralysed
Got gas
In both holes

rabies
scabies
rickets
and SARS
man flu
bird flu
swine flew
from Mars

multiple sclerosis
tennis elbow-sis
stomach ulcers
and leukaemia
night blindness
hypothermia
lung cancer
sickle-cell anaemia

French pox
Lockjaw
Polio
Gout
Nostalgia
Dropsy
Knocked right
Out

Stuttering
Bellyacher
Anti-social
Leprosy
Sleep walker
Sleep talker
Absent minded
OCD

Tourettes, ****
Pyromania
tonsillitis
Conjunctivitis
Food poisoned!
Warted over
My Psoriasis
(Will I survive this?)

Measles
Malaria
Meningitis
Migraine
Scrum-pox
Worm fit
Water on
the brain

apparitions
seeing things
rattly chest
bad breath
la duzi
tormentation
inflammation
black death

measles
malaria
migrane
mumps
leprosy
lice and
leg bone
lumps

kleptomania
bubonic plague
black *****
feeling ****
bone shave
falling sickness
wanna stop
just cant quit

Huntington's and
Parkingson's and
Hare-lipped
Hay fever
Typhoid fever
Glandular fever
Night fever
And Hysteria

intellectual
dyslexia
dysfunctional
family
cancer crab
stillborn twin
bad blood
epilepsy

Parking spot
disabilities
all the wounds in
all the militaries
pity thee with
lost agility
lost babes or
infertility

ear infection
starvation
Hepatitis
E to A
smallpox
chicken pox
cow pox
what a day

tuberculosis
stuttering
panic stricken
star struck
scurvy
shingles
headless chicken
bad luck


paranoid
in the void
premature
*******
stomach ulcers
feeble pulses
chronicled
*******

autistic
gallstones
double-jointe­d
wrists and knees
consumption
bad digestion
quinsy palsy
ticks and fleas

amnesia
typhus
amnesia
heart failure
radiation
cholera
amnesia
bad behaviour

Hypochondriac?
By gosh, no!
Poorly are ye?
‘Fraid so.


nostalgia
        suffer me
wanderlust
suffer me
insomnia
suffer me
loneliness
let me be



god
complex
mother
complex
father
complex
ego
complex

­

its complicated
im superior
its complicated
im inferior
its complicated
im a short man
got ingrown hairs
got a bad tan



im suffering
ocd
im suffering
obesity
im suffering
jealousy
xenophobia
and nosebleeds



stokholm
syndrome
toxic shock
syndrome
got it down
syndrome
irritable bowel
syndrome

yellow nail
syndrome
stevens-johnson
syndrome
restless leg
syndrome
shoulder-hand
syndrome

lambert-eaton
syndrome
mi­ddle-lobe
syndrome
mobius
syndrome
pickwickian
syndrome

post rubella
syndrome
riley day
syndrome
straight back
syndrome
ulysess
syndrome



alcoholics
we are prone
drug addicts
we are prone
mind benders
we are prone
fortune spenders
we are prone



My illness, my illness
My illness is my realness

*Pick it up
Tide it over
Fight it off or
Cave in

Save it
Suffer it
Pass it on
When its Raining

bleed him
restrain him
shave his
head

he went from being
quite well
to being quite
dead.

You were born five years before the Spanish Civil War that would see your father exiled.
Language came later to you than your little brother Manuel. And you stuttered for a time.
Unlike those who speak incessantly with nothing to say, you were quiet and reserved.
Your mother mistook shyness for dimness, a tragic mistake that scarred you for life.

When your brother Manuel died at the age of three from meningitis, you heard your mom
Exclaim: “God took my bright boy and left me the dull one.” You were four or five.
You never forgot those words. How could you? Yet you loved your mom with all your heart.
But you also withdrew further into a shell, solitude your companion and best friend.

You were, in fact, an exceptional child. Stuttering went away at five or so never to return,
And by the time you were in middle school, your teacher called your mom in for a rare
Conference and told her that yours was a gifted mind, and that you should be prepared
For university study in the sciences, particularly engineering.

She wrote your father exiled in Argentina to tell him the good news, that your teachers
Believed you would easily gain entrance to the (then and now) highly selective public university
Where seats were few, prized and very difficult to attain based on merit-based competitive
Exams. Your father’s response? “Buy him a couple of oxen and let him plow the fields.”

That reply from a highly respected man who was a big fish in a tiny pond in his native Oleiros
Of the time is beyond comprehension. He had apparently opted to preserve his own self-
Interest in having his son continue his family business and also work the family lands in his
Absence. That scar too was added to those that would never heal in your pure, huge heart.

Left with no support for living expenses for college (all it would have required), you moved on,
Disappointed and hurt, but not angry or bitter; you would simply find another way.
You took the competitive exams for the two local military training schools that would provide
An excellent vocational education and pay you a small salary in exchange for military service.

Of hundreds of applicants for the prized few seats in each of the two institutions, you
Scored first for the toughest of the two and thirteenth for the second. You had your pick.
You chose Fabrica de Armas, the lesser of the two, so that a classmate who had scored just
Below the cut-off at the better school could be admitted. That was you. Always and forever.

At the military school, you were finally in your element. You were to become a world-class
Machinist there—a profession that would have gotten you well paid work anywhere on earth
For as long as you wanted it. You were truly a mechanical genius who years later would add
Electronics, auto mechanics and specialized welding to his toolkit through formal training.

Given a well-stocked machine shop, you could reverse engineer every machine without
Blueprints and build a duplicate machine shop. You became a gifted master mechanic
And worked in line and supervisory positions at a handful of companies throughout your life in
Argentina and in the U.S., including Westinghouse, Warner-Lambert, and Pepsi Co.

You loved learning, especially in your fields (electronics, mechanics, welding) and expected
Perfection in everything you did. Every difficult job at work was given to you everywhere you
Worked. You would not sleep at night when a problem needed solving. You’d sketch
And calculate and re-sketch solutions and worked even in your dreams with singular passion.

You were more than a match for the academic and physical rigors of military school,
But life was difficult for you in the Franco era when some instructors would
Deprecatingly refer to you as “Roxo”—Galician for “red”-- reflecting your father’s
Support for the failed Republic. Eventually, the abuse was too much for you to bear.

Once while standing at attention in a corridor with the other cadets waiting for
Roll call, you were repeatedly poked in the back surreptitiously. Moving would cause
Demerits and demerits could cause loss of points on your final grade and arrest for
Successive weekends. You took it awhile, then lost your temper.

You turned to the cadet behind you and in a fluid motion grabbed him by his buttoned jacket
And one-handedly hung him up on a hook above a window where you were standing in line.
He thrashed about, hanging by the back of his jacket, until he was brought down by irate Military instructors.
You got weekend arrest for many weeks and a 10% final grade reduction.

A similar fate befell a co-worker a few years later in Buenos Aires who called you a
*******. You lifted him one handed by his throat and held him there until
Your co-workers intervened, forcibly persuading you to put him down.
That lesson was learned by all in no uncertain terms: Leave Felipe’s mom alone.

You were incredibly strong, especially in your youth—no doubt in part because of rigorous farm
Work, military school training and competitive sports. As a teenager, you once unwisely bent
Down to pick something up in view of a ram, presenting the animal an irresistible target.
It butted you and sent you flying into a haystack. It, too, quickly learned its lesson.

You dusted yourself off, charged the ram, grabbed it by the horns and twirled it around once,
Throwing it atop the same haystack as it had you. The animal was unhurt, but learned to
Give you a wide berth from that day forward. Overall, you were very slow to anger absent
Head-butting, repeated pokings, or disrespectful references to your mom by anyone.    

I seldom saw you angry and it was mom, not you, who was the disciplinarian, slipper in hand.
There were very few slaps from you for me. Mom would smack my behind with a slipper often
When I was little, mostly because I could be a real pain, wanting to know/try/do everything
Completely oblivious to the meaning of the word “no” or of my own limitations.

Mom would sometimes insist you give me a proper beating. On one such occasion for a
Forgotten transgression when I was nine, you  took me to your bedroom, took off your belt, sat
Me next to you and whipped your own arm and hand a few times, whispering to me “cry”,
Which I was happy to do unbidden. “Don’t tell mom.” I did not. No doubt she knew.

The prospect of serving in a military that considered you a traitor by blood became harder and
Harder to bear, and in the third year of school, one year prior to graduation, you left to join
Your exiled father in Argentina, to start a new life. You left behind a mother and two sisters you
Dearly loved to try your fortune in a new land. Your dog thereafter refused food, dying of grief.

You arrived in Buenos Aires to see a father you had not seen for ten years at the age of 17.
You were too young to work legally, but looked older than your years (a shared trait),
So you lied about your age and immediately found work as a Machinist/Mechanic first grade.
That was unheard of and brought you some jealousy and complaints in the union shop.

The union complained to the general manager about your top-salary and rank. He answered,
“I’ll give the same rank and salary to anyone in the company who can do what Felipe can do.”
No doubt the jealousy and grumblings continued by some for a time. But there were no takers.
And you soon won the group over, becoming their protected “baby-brother” mascot.

Your dad left for Spain within a year or so of your arrival when Franco issued a general pardon
To all dissidents who had not spilt blood (e.g., non combatants). He wanted you to return to
Help him reclaim the family business taken over by your mom in his absence with your help.
But you refused to give up the high salary, respect and independence denied you at home.

You were perhaps 18 and alone, living in a single room by a schoolhouse you had shared with Your dad.
But you had also found a new loving family in your uncle José, one of your father’s Brothers, and his family. José, and one of his daughters, Nieves and her
Husband, Emilio, and
Their children, Susana, Oscar (Ruben Gordé), and Osvaldo, became your new nuclear family.

You married mom in 1955 and had two failed business ventures in the quickly fading
Post-WW II Argentina of the late 1950s and early 1960s.The first, a machine shop, left
You with a small fortune in unpaid government contract work.  The second, a grocery store,
Also failed due to hyperinflation and credit extended too easily to needy customers.

Throughout this, you continued earning an exceptionally good salary. But in the mid 1960’s,
Nearly all of it went to pay back creditors of the failed grocery store. We had some really hard
Times. Someday I’ll write about that in some detail. Mom went to work as a maid, including for
Wealthy friends, and you left home at 4:00 a.m. to return long after dark to pay the bills.

 
The only luxury you and mom retained was my Catholic school tuition. There was no other
Extravagance. Not paying bills was never an option for you or mom. It never entered your
Minds. It was not a matter of law or pride, but a matter of honor. There were at least three very
Lean years where you and mom worked hard, earned well but we were truly poor.

You and mom took great pains to hide this from me—and suffered great privations to insulate
Me as best you could from the fallout of a shattered economy and your refusal to cut your loses
Had done to your life savings and to our once-comfortable middle-class life.
We came to the U.S. in the late 1960s after waiting for more than three years for visas—to a new land of hope.

Your sister and brother-in-law, Marisa and Manuel, made their own sacrifices to help bring us
Here. You had about $1,000 from the down payment on our tiny down-sized house, And
Mom’s pawned jewelry. (Hyperinflation and expenses ate up the remaining mortgage payments
Due). Other prized possessions were left in a trunk until you could reclaim them. You never did.

Even the airline tickets were paid for by Marisa and Manuel. You insisted upon arriving on
Written terms for repayment including interest. You were hired on the spot on your first
Interview as a mechanic, First Grade, despite not speaking a word of English. Two months later,
The debt was repaid, mom was working too and we moved into our first apartment.

You worked long hours, including Saturdays and daily overtime, to remake a nest egg.
Declining health forced you to retire at 63 and shortly thereafter you and mom moved out of
Queens into Orange County. You bought a townhouse two hours from my permanent residence
Upstate NY and for the next decade were happy, traveling with friends and visiting us often.

Then things started to change. Heart issues (two pacemakers), colon cancer, melanoma,
Liver and kidney disease caused by your many medications, high blood pressure, gout,
Gall bladder surgery, diabetes . . . . And still you moved forward, like the Energizer Bunny,
Patched up, battered, scarred, bruised but unstoppable and unflappable.

Then mom started to show signs of memory loss along with her other health issues. She was
Good at hiding her own ailments, and we noticed much later than we should have that there
Was a serious problem. Two years ago, her dementia worsening but still functional, she had
Gall bladder surgery with complications that required four separate surgeries in three months.

She never recovered and had to be placed in a nursing home. Several, in fact, as at first she
Refused food and you and I refused to simply let her waste away, which might have been
Kinder, but for the fact that “mientras hay vida, hay esperanza” as Spaniards say.
(While there is Life there is hope.) There is nothing beyond the power of God. Miracles do happen.
 
For two years you lived alone, refusing outside help, engendering numerous arguments about
Having someone go by a few times a week to help clean, cook, do chores. You were nothing if
Not stubborn (yet another shared trait). The last argument on the subject about two weeks ago
Ended in your crying. You’d accept no outside help until mom returned home. Period.

You were in great pain because of bulging discs in your spine and walked with one of those
Rolling seats with handlebars that mom and I picked out for you some years ago. You’d sit
As needed when the pain was too much, then continue with very little by way of complaints.
Ten days ago you finally agreed that you needed to get to the hospital to drain abdominal fluid.

Your failing liver produced it and it swelled your abdomen and lower extremities to the point
Where putting on shoes or clothing was very difficult, as was breathing. You called me from a
Local store crying that you could not find pants that would fit you. We talked, long distance,
And I calmed you down, as always, not allowing you to wallow in self pity but trying to help.

You went home and found a new pair of stretch pants Alice and I had bought you and you were
Happy. You had two changes of clothes that still fit to take to the hospital. No sweat, all was
Well. The procedure was not dangerous and you’d undergone it several times in recent years.
It would require a couple of days at the hospital and I’d see you again on the weekend.

I could not be with you on Monday, February 22 when you had to go to the hospital, as I nearly
Always had, because of work. You were supposed to be admitted the previous Friday, but
Doctors have days off too, and yours could not see you until Monday when I could not get off
Work. But you were not concerned; this was just routine. You’d be fine. I’d see you in just days.

We’d go see mom Friday, when you’d be much lighter and feel much better. Perhaps we’d go
Shopping for clothes if the procedure still left you too bloated for your usual clothes.
You drove to your doctor and then transported by ambulette. I was concerned, but not too Worried.
You called me sometime between five or six p.m. to tell me you were fine, resting.

“Don’t worry. I’m safe here and well cared for.” We talked for a little while about the usual
Things, with my assuring you I’d see you Friday or Saturday. You were tired and wanted to sleep
And I told you to call me if you woke up later that night or I’d speak to you the following day.
Around 10:00 p.m. I got a call from your cell and answered in the usual upbeat manner.

“Hey, Papi.” On the other side was a nurse telling me my dad had fallen. I assured her she was
Mistaken, as my dad was there for a routine procedure to drain abdominal fluid. “You don’t
Understand. He fell from his bed and struck his head on a nightstand or something
And his heart has stopped. We’re working on him for 20 minutes and it does not look good.”

“Can you get here?” I could not. I had had two or three glasses of wine shortly before the call
With dinner. I could not drive the three hours to Middletown. I cried. I prayed.
Fifteen minutes Later I got the call that you were gone. Lost in grief, not knowing what to do, I called my wife.
Shortly thereafter came a call from the coroner. An autopsy was required. I could not see you.

Four days later your body was finally released to the funeral director I had selected for his
Experience with the process of interment in Spain. I saw you for the last time to identify
Your body. I kissed my fingers and touched your mangled brow. I could not even have the
Comfort of an open casket viewing. You wanted cremation. You body awaits it as I write this.

You were alone, even in death alone. In the hospital as strangers worked on you. In the medical
Examiner’s office as you awaited the autopsy. In the autopsy table as they poked and prodded
And further rent your flesh looking for irrelevant clues that would change nothing and benefit
No one, least of all you. I could not be with you for days, and then only for a painful moment.

We will have a memorial service next Friday with your ashes and a mass on Saturday. I will
Never again see you in this life. Alice and I will take you home to your home town, to the
Cemetery in Oleiros, La Coruña, Spain this summer. There you will await the love of your life.
Who will join you in the fullness of time. She could not understand my tears or your passing.

There is one blessing to dementia. She asks for her mom, and says she is worried because she
Has not come to visit in some time. She is coming, she assures me whenever I see her.
You visited her every day except when health absolutely prevented it. You spent this February 10
Apart, your 61st wedding anniversary, too sick to visit her. Nor was I there. First time.

I hope you did not realize you were apart on the 10th but doubt it to be the case. I
Did not mention it, hoping you’d forgotten, and neither did you. You were my link to mom.
She cannot dial or answer a phone, so you would put your cell phone to her ear whenever I
Was not in class or meetings and could speak to her. She always recognized me by phone.

I am three hours from her. I could visit at most once or twice a month. Now even that phone
Lifeline is severed. Mom is completely alone, afraid, confused, and I cannot in the short term at
Least do much about that. You were not supposed to die first. It was my greatest fear, and
Yours, but as with so many things that we cannot change I put it in the back of my mind.

It kept me up many nights, but, like you, I still believed—and believe—in miracles.
I would speak every night with my you, often for an hour, on the way home from work late at
Night during my hour-long commute, or from home on days I worked from home as I cooked
Dinner. I mostly let you talk, trying to give you what comfort and social outlet I could.

You were lonely, sad, stuck in an endless cycle of emotional and physical pain.
Lately you were especially reticent to get off the phone. When mom was home and still
Relatively well, I’d call every day too but usually spoke to you only a few minutes and you’d
Transfer the phone to mom, with whom I usually chatted much longer.

For months, you’d had difficulty hanging up. I knew you did not want to go back to the couch,
To a meaningless TV program, or to writing more bills. You’d say good-bye, or “enough for
Today” and immediately begin a new thread, then repeat the cycle, sometimes five or six times.
You even told me, at least once crying recently, “Just hang up on me or I’ll just keep talking.”

I loved you, dad, with all my heart. We argued, and I’d often scream at you in frustration,
Knowing you would never take it to heart and would usually just ignore me and do as
You pleased. I knew how desperately you needed me, and I tried to be as patient as I could.
But there were days when I was just too tired, too frustrated, too full of other problems.

There were days when I got frustrated with you just staying on the phone for an hour when I
Needed to call Alice, to eat my cold dinner, or even to watch a favorite program. I felt guilty
And very seldom cut a conversation short, but I was frustrated nonetheless even knowing
How much you needed me and also how much I needed you, and how little you asked of me.  

How I would love to hear your voice again, even if you wanted to complain about the same old
Things or tell me in minutest detail some unimportant aspect of your day. I thought I would
Have you at least a little longer. A year? Two? God only knew, and I could hope. There would be
Time. I had so much more to share with you, so much more to learn when life eased up a bit.

You taught me to fish (it did not take) and to hunt (that took even less) and much of what I
Know about mechanics, and electronics. We worked on our cars together for years—from brake
Jobs, to mufflers, to real tune-ups in the days when points, condensers, and timing lights had Meaning, to rebuilding carburetors and fixing rust and dents, and power windows and more.

We were friends, good friends, who went on Sunday drives to favorite restaurants or shopping
For tools when I was single and lived at home. You taught me everything in life that I need to
Know about all the things that matter. The rest is meaningless paper and window dressing.
I knew all your few faults and your many colossal strengths and knew you to be the better man.

Not even close. I could never do what you did. I could never excel in my fields as you did in
Yours.  You were the real deal in every way, from every angle, throughout your life. I did not
Always treat you that way. But I loved you very deeply as anyone who knew us knows.
More importantly, you knew it. I told you often, unembarrassed in the telling. I love you, Dad.

The world was enriched by your journey. You do not leave behind wealth, or a body or work to
Outlive you. You never had your fifteen minutes in the sun. But you mattered. God knows your
Virtue, your absolute integrity, and the purity of your heart. I will never know a better man.
I will love you and miss you and carry you in my heart every day of my life. God bless you, dad.

In Your name, there is healing
Cities with an epidemic illnesses
Stands like the Mt. Horeb
Mighty in posture forever

As Your stretch stretch Your hands
Leprosy’s from every nation cast down
Desperate heart finds, its home
In the green pasture besides the still water

The night will be as it is
But the morning bring great deliverance
At some point of, there will be songs
Of thankfulness from the inside

Your love for us never fails and cease
Springs of water flows like fountain
From Your grace to my place
Im once frail and sick but im release

Far from the medicine and gurney
Your faithfulness in my life
Brings tremendous miracles in many ways
I just I just declare it in faith and love

I say to the world You are Healer
A great Physician of the Father
I experience it right now, the touch
Tomorrow will be a testimony like no other

how many vaccinations do i remember?
some called chicken-pox a virus infection
of children....
so if one child contracted the virus
the neighbours' child was exposed
to it: so it went under the iron curtain...

but i did receive vaccination for
those other in the triad: Odra...
measles?
         it's named a furry thing in one language
a river in another...
not the Vistula plague...
or the Varta plague riddling posing-nan?
Possen?

i'm pretending to be all: fuzzy-brainz...
but... i do remember...
the mad-cow disease epidemic...
in england...
and what arrived after:
meningitis... in the realm of youth...
i remember going to school like
nothing was going to happen...
it didn't... meningitis took grip of my neighbour's
brain... expected bullock-freeze...
yes... it was real...
phantom stranger! how are you?
after all: pandemic sounds less sinister
than epidemic ever will...
i'm actually tired of the narratives
from both aisles of furroging for antics...
more like broken limbs...
but when meningitis was rife...
and there was a vaccine on the ready...
nothing stopped...
life preserved itself: continued...

lucky for me to be writing from england...
after all the bombing from
the media Hindenburg sinking
for seemingly years upon years concerning
the topic of Brexit...
i much prefer recycling in...
well by now ol' nature is just
a boring **** of scents...
summer come the zenith
winter the nadir...

if it only woul could feel authentic...
again: subjectivity is not...
"necessary"? it's sub-human sub-optimal?
no? if it could feel authentic...
then what the ****'s worth of use
do i have with thoughts that
objectively "sound" yet always tend to
masequerade around brining me
a ******* margueritta!

what good is a line of argument:
surrounding doubtful thinking...
yes... "once upon a time":
it "feelz": yes... a certainty of heart is above
all else a certainty of self...
the mind is a ******* lost labyrinth
of do i, don't i, be i, bitten *******
ripple effects rife!

meningitis was real...
the young were affected...
there was a vaccination we all took
in school:
they pretended to call it:
brain-freeze of: fatty-brainz-does-do-d'ah...
but... **** on me:
the panic button is frozen...
re-setting:
back toward alley candle working
our way from the Edison project...
nice... ******* Kazakhstani and all!

point being: who are the orcs...
the ugly trolls... the nazis?!
i suppose almost everyone!
           i've been assured to comply:
2 weeks homebound...
i've had a garden to tend to...
some decorating d.i.y. work... no problem...
big on the HBO show SUCESSION...

grandfather just died i'll heave
my mother being angry at the world:
i'll just take down my uncle and my grandmother...
no biggy...
happy are those who's relatives haven't /
or have yet to: die in this... "crisis"...

meningitis was a real fear:
but we, *******, ploughed along!
now a ******* cockroach is the scary "bit":
the bit of temporal sacrifice where:
you don't ******* eat it?
i wouldn't dare to **** a fly...
i would... however... dare to catch one
with my forehead...
and then flick it into a spiderweb...
how's that?

i'm tired listening to either side of
the argument...
when a ponent disease of rot brain appeared
and coincided itself with bad beef
because the cows were infected with
a bug that made them appear to be drunk /
english girls... cows...
in those would come harrowing new:
redundencies of urban gob: a Leicester high-street
excursion...
how they would drink, dress up skimpy:
and eat nothing but bones and dust:
you'd ask... some marrow?
no would come the reply...

mind you: it's not like i would ever
find myself eating out...
the odd friday with the need for
the chippy... and some cod...
but... i would never eat out...
did that once... off camden town high street
from one of these chinese vendors...
had the ***** for 3 hours...
i never eat out because i...
well: i'll sooner trust ******* into my hands,
then ******* into them...
then fiddling through some ****...
then washing them...
before i attend to preparing some
food...
it doesn't affect me because:
i don't / nor ever have... eaten to be seen...
i'm not a lion and what i'd be eating
wouldn't be a hunted down gazelle...
would it?
so what's the ******* point
of window-shopping food in reverse?
what's this fetish for eating in public?
in public... yeah...
as in... in victorian times...
the ****** junkies would congregate
into a hush-lazy "paragraph"?

maybe we should show all th slaughterhouses!
eating in public... all that 20th century
existential narcissism leveraging the french:
to be is to be seen...
minus the restaurant antics...
call me old fashioned but:
the only food i like to it...
is the food i cook myself...

would i like to extend that into
hunting for my food...
it's the 21st century...
unless for a delicacy...
but... i rather like to cook the food
i'm about to eat...

eating in public... pigeons eat in public...
or a variation of that...
can i extract a proverb from all
of this akin to:
better a sparrow in your hand,
than a dove on your roof?

last time i heard the arguments
for abortions could extend into genocide:
like... i ******* and the ***** is...
flushed down into the toilet with
the crocodiles... an act of genocide...
but... in the "meantime"...
the abortion clinic rife from
the already waiting... pre-automation
fake herr hirsch and frau hirsch robo...
you know...
where do you clog the details of life
with these people?
tending to the late abortion:
it's a dandy day to be down syndrome?!
imagine a placing of human muscular
nd jaw abiding...
because i'm not a plumber...
i'm also... not tending to the farm
of goo and skittles...
rephrase that, as i must...

who's the genius behind...
oh... right... Barr... it's no IRN BRU...
but it's most ******* certainly cream soda...
i just imagine if Barr and Krupp had
a collaboration projects...
bombs made from carbonated sugar bomb
**** boom boom explosions of fizz!

we have to be talking about reinventing
abortion?
or... genocide... no?
if automation is to be forwarded... no?
fair enough if you tell the women:
no abominations!
some people: the polacks, backward people...
well... would you require christening
a cyclops? a brain-deadening
form that's not even a **** similis:
an ape replica: otherwise:
consent to abort! if th ancient ritual
of ****** are practised!
****? m'eh...
forget the cross: burden yourself
with moloch... which is...
a double-edged sword...
given all the kosher medicine...
all the sacrificed foreskins!
**** me... ed gein looks sorta pale and impaled
on his own cringe...
skin is skin...

so much for concerns when
there's "golf" that's to be incubated and...
involved... sorry... invoked...

how is there status quo... peeping-tommy...
there's an argument for the piggies
at the trough...
leveraging for needs of
the imploded concept of a passport...
such is this federal cwispy clean...
because it's no Relsh or Velsh:
or anything like Cornwall...

you don't need to go anywhere:
and anywhere is "anywhere":
chuck in the bums but not the incarcerated
by mr. bar and the lucid brigade...

milan kundera has more geographic "details":
the ural mountains and the Caucasian...
  what's what? cocky-asians?! whites?
whites are somehow ****-asians?
must be a new turkic plantative of
congregational dynamics of: usher in the whites!
the germanic peoples, the pedantic anglicans...
and the steppe mongrels and mongols...
the turks too!
let's all play that *******
monopoly game of: exodus africanus!

i lost the tan...
how did i get the squinting
the ******* on the lemon bit?!

otherwise...
which is probably east...
belarus and ukraine...
but germany is never noted as...
the vest...
austria: eastern-***** is still: vest...
central europe doesn't translate for
the anglophones... or, rather...
it never existed to begin with...
esp. under the guise of the toilet paper
mache of herr neville chamberlain...
no... not ever: nor would be...

in Ypres... oh how hollow tusk of ivory
those graves: indented with
hallow / hollow epitaph esque signatures...
and they stand: shoulder to shoulder...
withering amass in slabs of earth
extending for the onlooker's mile...
so pale... antidote misanthropic...
world war one...
and do they tell you how they
buried the central, ahem! ahem!
how they buried the germans?!
in mass graves... where the robin and the sparrow
still sings... mass graves that weren't
this ******* spectacle of past colonial endeavours...
where oak and pine,
birch... and brass took stand to root!

east is east my ******* closure!
east is by no means
the intricacy of the veins
of the danube...
hungary belongs to the huns...
watch me... concerning myself
with the ottoman reconquista...
this is, "now":
the ottoman reconquista, no?
**** my pork under-salted...
the grand orator is missing the mark
when history is being governed by
a hard--on escaping the promises
of secular bull.......... ****?!

two tongue a piece:
i never spiked one tongue above
a contesting Machiavellian brooding
over a furrowing of brows...
above another...

this eastern bloc?
and the federalised states of h'america?
because this is; surprising history!
lithuania and latvia...
30+ million people just...
oops... "forgotten"?
****-proud of cuckoldry of
the desired... voices
of the proud: teasing vaginas!
the ******* get your mongol-pseudo
gizmos from?
a soho proud ***** deposit?!

how does a ***** bank work...
concerning the dichotomy
of credit                    /                 debit?!
is that dichotomy even fease(a)ble?
worst for sawn-off worse for dicta:

yes... my teeth are by no means...
extending toward the exploration
tendencies of bone: via an x-ray...
by demand of a non-persuasive argument...
by teeth are furry... they are furry with an itch...
they are... i have itchy teeth because:
i'm a limp-**** impersonato...
a castrated wow from a harem
of a harem... of the castrated lobotomies
of phallus endowed...
entertaining the sugar-coated
princesses... tease angelic etc...
blah blah, blah... lost toy *****...
aber?! gott ist einz! mit unz!

with an east bought: this austrian
closure... forever flimsy baron...
flaking amnesia...
no you scratch my back i
scratch: how about my fingernails
task themselves over the details
over your gravestones
having no epitaphs like
blitzkriegs concerning them...

verbiage of the dritte-*****:
modus operandi gucci or some other
borrowed tailor from
the league of lombardy?
    
/ / /  nothing concerning "stupid"....
but when one is being interrupted
with a..  b'ah b'ah internet
connectivity...
when one's lightbulbs are in play...
leauge of own's own: slo-mo...
******* where money
become daffodil sprouts...

don't i: oh yes... that's where i
know "where":
and towing "know"
i have to attempt to white lie:
a... borrow. / / / /

that i rarely dream...
picking up a body from the grave:
clinging to me like a hurt puppy...
apparently a resurrection:
i deigned to believe i was peeling
my own skin off...
walking him in my arms
back to his home:
peering through a window
that acted like a mirror
into someone else's home...
then seeing this resurrected
body get back to a healthy
b.m.i.
while eating raisins using
toothpicks...
switch to a day later...
perhaps the face is the same...
but the eyes are sinister...
glowing amber...
the first time eyes have
taken prominence in my dreams...
prior to: teeth...
then a haunting sequence...
i'm being asked
to ***** a ladybird with a needle:
purple smoke comes
out with the deed:
the house is apparently cleansed
from "voodoo"...
i guess this all comes back
to the night before:
sitting in the garden
wanting to remember a face
that formerly contorted with
expressions bound
to a still apparent: eucalyptus tree...
but i still had
to take this body from
the crave clinging to me
like either a hurt puppy
or some aberration of skin...
i wondered whether i'd remember
this dream even if i kept it
in the back of my mind
and attempted the daily:
curating the garden one last
time before winter finally
succeeds...
well... that's that.

i remember the meningitis scare:
   oh... it was very real...
i guess it was supposed to affect a niche
proportion of the population...

so much for the "scare":
they would vaccinate us in the schools:
since children were more prone
to succumb to: and inflammation of
the lining around your brain and spinal cord...

and all that: press a thumb against
a skin... and if the skin returns to its original
colouring: there's no blemish of applied
pressure... pressing glasses onto the skin too...

the aesthetics have changed so drastically:
what can **** you is so subtle these days...
it's hardly a case of leprosy...
or... eczema of the zombie plague:
or miniature lilal mushrooms growing
out from your armpits:
suddenly breaking into song:
  'steve told us to sing... so we have
sprouted: to sing!'
       no... celeriac sized warts... hell...
i haven't seen any pictures of covid-19...
as i never saw pictures of ebola...

            death has been given: an anonymity...
but what's still kept in reserve?
shingles...
     like: hyper-eczema...
                i'm having to consolidate myself
on the luck of being 30+ and still having...
a skin on my face that i can't peel:
but i'm sure that belzeebub took a dump on...

they're either dead maggots
or dead white blood-cells...
        i guess i have so many of the latter that...
my immune system is constantly
on a over-charge mode...
          
    where are the lilac mushrooms about to grow
out from out of my armpits:
when will death become visible again:
outside her womb:
without any anonymity to behold:
when will everything... "ev'fing"
  return to the obviousness of a guillotine...
a hangman...
      a... hanged, drawn and... quartered?

the improved aesthetics of the threat is hardly
be sitting in an armchair...
welcoming this: paranoia precursor...
there's no phosphorescent yellow-green phlegm
being shot through the air with a sneeze...

i'm quite disturbed about all this...
        "sterility"...
                      well thankfuly i know that
a schizophrenic can't beget a drone-replica:
dead'ed brain: "schizz"... zombie-cult-esque
   brain: riddled with parasites like...
a disciple of burrough's fever might provide:
subsequently... by...
   by caughing a splitting-headache that might:
somehow: "later": arrive at some variation
of bilingualism...
          but never will... perhaps it should...

because: right now: i want to wrong about everything...
i want to ****** with a hard-on of doubt...
and perhaps: tease negation a little...
or rub-rub-'er very much...
but i do: most honestly...
    want to be wrong about everything...
esp. when it comes to...
   the aesthetics of the "problem":
    it's a problem-solution: solution-problem
  quadratic...
           i mean: if it was truly cosmic... and original...
would it really care for much of aesthetics...
can viruses becomes stealth assassins?
   is a virus a misnomer of plague?
or is... a virus a former case of plague...
  that couldn't be: prior... weaponized?
   the rampant exfoliation of: the obliterated
concern for aesthetics...
   oh sure... it's clean cut...
           god knows what happened to those old
curiosities of medicine...

otherwise...

   what will 3 hours spent reading nothing but
Dickens do to you...
me? i "somehow" managed to miss / forget
about a sunset...
   came the night and... yeah: when meningitis
hit...
   and i guess after the mad-cow disease...
break-dancing limp feet cows...
drunk cows... morbidly drunk cows...

      there was always that postcard reference:
now?
you could obviously see the bubonic plague
from a mile away...
you could see eczema...
you can sure as **** see a shingles belt...
        would a virus even care...
to appease the aesthetic concerns of man?
how doesn't cancer do that...
well... i just start thinking about...
the botanical cancer... viscum...
hardly seen in western europe: tree-foundation
societies... etc.
   half an hour on the road outside of warsaw...
that's enough...

oh sure: because of covid-19:
who could, "somehow" forget about...
                  metastatic tumors!
oh the joys of... <cough cough> the carousel
or that ol' chestnut!
            come to think of it...
    would ingesting a tapeworm make thinks and things
more real?
what wouldn't be bad
about acquiring a symbiote these days?
     all: postulations of the mundane...
without yet within the science-fiction universe...
the facts will simply not stand the test
of time... or will... but will be shelved...
given to the bookworms and their placenta
worm-queen...

it's actually becoming a sieving tool for acquiring
nothing lost: of the old mundane...
the sterile aesthetics of the whole under-taking...
it's too: invisible: too pure...
to be... a freakish byproduct of nature...
sending us back in time...
as the original: single-cell organism
about to usurp the crown of creation...

    my list of conspiracy theories begins
with: catcher in the rye "coincidences" and...
that david copperfield sort of *******...
      because if it's not Pickwican...
it's certainly not an account of count
smorltork:
        peek - christian name
                weeks - surname; good, ver good...

otherwise these days:
the intellect has become a sponge...
and the supposed underlying:
because it is "supposed" and there's an
"underlying" aspect to all of this...
that there is a "dialectic" and...
otherwise: the bestest of the best kind
of...            soap...

is it a revival of an "empire"...
when at the height of its decline...
there was that motto:

     panem et circenses...

     what's underlying in Dickensian prose?
well... some of the words used...
i'd sit with a page and check the dictionary
3 times on average...
because there's still that underlying:
we, Britons, prior to the "english"...
the anglo-saxons... are the Afghanistan
oopsies of the ancient world...
there are so many words with direct
connection: etymologically "speaking"
with latin...

now: the bread is still "here"...
   of the 20th century... you could see a ****
coming way back in 1933...
and the communist... whenever that happened...
and you could subsequently trickle the "evil"
archetype into movies... into gaming...
and have people hooked on a bullseye of evil...

now? greyish blips and blobs of
Kantian bureaucracy...
    
o.k. panem et circenses...
looks to me...
like the circuses are long gone...
the bread is still here...
but... of all the seismic shifts this is...
hardly a ffffffffffff-ucking Pompeii!
riddle me this: riddle me that...
what can possibly become so... overly entertaining...
about eating a slice of bread?
why are the vermin: multiplying:
what's with all this: "huddling" at a distance?
need a cape with that: herr ubermensch?

last time i checked: rats do no operated
under herd scriptures...
there's not need for a shepherd...
there is: fire! scramble!
peep-squeak and more!
          
    an impeding confrontation with a pack of wolves...
a vegetarian lion convert...
                 the bubonic plague: lack of aesthetic...
and now this...
this supreme aesthetic of: when the ancient greeks
thirsted to conceive of the existence
of atoms...
          not that i require proof...
what so of circus: though...
      is, this?!

- yes folks... in the current climate of labyrinths...
the Minotaur isn't here...
and we're out of stock on smoke...
and... mirrors...

citations of a possible prediction to allign with
some variation of borrowed horrors:
to usurp the status quo and sentences us for:
there's no "third time lucky" therein...

all that's happened though:
mental people who would never allow
their minds to riddle them...
become claustrophobic by mere thought...
can you?
translate thinking into claustrophobia?
oh god... no... we haven't reached this nadir...
have we?
thought didn't imply θ(ought)!
that erotica of a would be pronoun:
the moral quest...
                  not because i did something bad
in the past...
but because:
i did what others didn't do prior to me...
i ride the wave of what a *******
said to me once:
after an ******:
this is only the second time it has happened
to me: hello ***** envy thrown out of the window!
hello sisters of mercy in some convent
in Limerick!
'allo! 'allo!

beside the moral conundrum of θ(ought): ought i?
this narrative of the ol' 'ed...
is... claustrophobic?
             spread this negation-of-ease further:
dear kin!
   dis- prefix that denotes negation...
ah... and -ease! the suffix that complete the circle:
no contemplation is necessary!

i'm still seeing bread, though...
oh mein gott! die zirkusse! die zirkusse!
what can be done about the circuses?!

people are coupling thinking with claustrophobia...
people are implored to read
for at least 3 hours a day!
a dickens! a tolstoy! a dumas!
and then relax from congesting paragraph strain
and explore the airy side of what was
written into prose and paragraph with
the aid of poetics: that non-exclusivity of rhyme:
always missing... best missing!

i too abhor this synonym:
poetry is what rhymes...
            a set list of: knock-knock jokes...
about as tasteful as...
               roast beef: done well done...
eating the bark of wood:
now that's an adventure!

            or what's... the adjective riddle / riddled...
of: now...
permanent - adjective... these days a host
of "calling scheitmeiser for all his worth"
and what not...      
                               now: the experimental
history of yesterday and "oops"
now: the cameo cinema of yesterday...
and god willing:
you have a "savings account"
of: memories that can...
suffocate the future: the imagining...
of and for the nought of nothing...
the "conundrum": of being...
such and such... and somehow...
retain: personhood...
rather than... a mere... citizentry "status"...
of the ebbing flow of cattle meat and dung:
itsy-bitsy spider teeth itching...
before the bone!
and... after the bones!

load of crock-**** Lombardy is not
Italy... mantra...
and those rites of rats from
the sinking ship that's Wenice...
much too... quasi-important...

      H - surd of a letter...
but the skeleton supposed to behind:
laughter...

the hibernian folk know it...
the english: eh... somewhat...
          bound to θ and bound to φ...
in t'ought... but not in: t'aught...
who needs the apostrophe?
no me: not "you"...
         third: or... θird:
or... ****... or τ(au) says: "herd"...
                             and what's "spezial"...
the surd worth of π (pi)
     in ψ...
                    or      'sychology...
              then there's "all that" with...
chrome: the χ that becomes a kappa (κ)...
but not... exactly the...
the...      ah!                   CHisel!
chasing dog's tails?

                            but a hardy: hibernian:
it's not an F... it's a T...
we have to expose the H-surd! primo
pronto!

    but ψ can afford...
          πσι in that...
                      either the π... or the π...
is treated as a surd..
cited: the whittle canyon of eta (Ηη)..
            ha: if it's a definite article in 'ebrew...
or ha: if... you need a consonant
skeleton... to breathe when laughing...

toes when marching: chin ching chatter...
otherwise "K / kappa" the matter...
taught to think it all but a massive:
****!
   or... a θurd... which is exfoliating in
the gaellic concept of: third...

i'm not from 'ere...
              mind you...
              this is all disneyland for m'eh et moi...
hello whittle atom me...
hello whittle atom you...
hello: hyvä aamu... susie 'ere...
       rakastaa... että ulvonta...
                 "unohti" haukkua:
fins... drawfs... and other whittle people...
eskimos of the "narrative":
   "kaikki alkaen apinamaa"!
    pωl pυt ***...
             and there's "3" of 'em!
exactly... what about the V'em...
             perhaps a F'ought...
      but: V'ere!
            V'em!
                            who the **** gets to
assure me: this language "ving" or "thin"...
sure hands... sure hands...
it's not all grafitti from chernobyll!

and what if... Joycean would 'ave to begin
its pilgrimage toward Dickensian?
this Ezra of ours: what of this...Ezra of
Fahrenheit of "ours"?

           my atom "versus" your... "atomized" man?
my spaghetti english
versus your... i'll sooner choke on ß...
or SuS...
         or SaS
                  SeS...          sayß...
h'american spaghetti english... *** riddled:
ghetto crown-tongue...


me and finding a juggling of chuckles
with: wit... hiding the ha ha...
when θ = τ...
hibernian...
poland the playground of god:
greek... the plaground of men...
esp. those as being cited:
with origin of the barbarian tinge...

  exatly! what of WH when TH are....
thought of "wen":
this grafitti phpneticism...
this barbarism...
no code of "conduct":
what should have:
and did "have": a happen to...
when it came to the ratio
of consonants to vowels...
  of the latter there was a supposed more...
or the latter a less...

    h.i.v. vampirism romances
would have to die...
  a death... most... closely associated with:
psychopaths: or...
the general pathology is: soul-quests...
all "things" considered...
there is no "grand-Σ"
        "past-participle":
of the unconscious-conscious liver...
does the part: actor... functions
of... i robot: you, not here...

the liver does what a liver does:
even if: i r woke...
and i r: sleepz...
               eyes only on when...
orientating myself around:
a failure of a distinct "individual":
moi foie premier...
   moi estomac premier...
and of "me" or... a me...
given that... there's no: "the me"...
            load of ******* and a chewing tube
of "worded"... "circumstances"...
as: "the alternative" to...
sorry... no other alternative...
was... or would ever... be given...
errror message 404 commences: as of: now!

- or... can you?
compensate a word like... draconian...
with a word... the periphery word...
akin to... byzantine?!
the kite's high up in the ******* air
my dear lad...
can you? "compensate" this...
marry of all other:
never-poppin' up 'ins?!

that's one way of minding:
a grey-ginger...
or an albino-masai...
for "good luck"... of all t'ings:
the lerprechaun 'ucking charm brigade!
that's just 'ucking necessary: that is!

as.... the people have already mentioned
their freedom: to cite and keep up to
the rigours of salutations...
they said and they said... and they:
sad but nonetheless: they sad-***-made-"truth"-of...
"it": 'ucking wombat
multiverse l.s.d.: me typing on an old... cranky...
soviet "qwerty" imitation...

the freedom prior to the plague:
i am yet to see...
the **** covid... and the leprechaun...
and the tarantula...
and the... leech...
   **** me: raining cats and dogs:
what a scenario!
     i was supposed to get...
               not leech: not *****...
those fidgeting terse quizzes...
          *****... no... leech... no...
leprechauns: double no...
             szarańcza... old mother-tongue:
ah yes... "these":
                                 locust!

the third of the lard off the herd of the most:
"likely"... nosense to me:
something for you:              up!
otherwise know as:
quiet a bollocking... wouldn't you,
somehow... please... stage:
an agreed to?
               ****'s sake...

  tyrd the triddle twiddle torn und
towing: dublin the sorry-eye: und sore...
you freckled maverick salt
burner you... and... it's a ginger:
stick-prone... keep y'er eager distance...

eh? that's true: is what's through...
**** paddy **** and a poor ******
walk into a bar...
and the bartender is... a kippah-don
of a rastafarian:
the jokes end...
and there was never a conversation
to begin with... ha ha!
now that's a joke... to wake up...
a frankenstein!

      ginger pleb: ginger poodle!
the new africa: the new eskimo...
or... the finnish gateway: etymologically speaking...
an alternative to... *** and...
              the leftover mongols
stranded by the waters
of the empire: receding...
          the...        no: not the croats...
the...
          a very much elongating concept
of pause....
              "d" or the "v" of: v'eh...: the...
the  immortal savages
of: crimea...
      ah yes!
                  those...            tar-tars!
like the tartare steak:
or what was forever available as
the alibi for: sushi!

        because tokyo is just one of those...
forever huan: new... beijing chicken shacks...
and "tokyo"...
or some other anime typo *******...

irish catholic intellectuals...
and... the none existence of whatever
would have required a magna carta:
believe it or... eat **** sort of
mentality...
            the russian doctors
are already abiding to be hunted
if not huddling in churches...
because: co-vex said: co-vid...
co-vid: sharing blockbuster intrusion
pokes was: that last resort to
mortality: and oh...

          this should have happened a long...
a long long time ago...
  transparency tourism...
where you going?
nowhere...
  and "where" is "going"... "nowhere"...
a bit like france... and the eiffel tower...
and there's no speaking french to have
to be resolved...
because like: "**** it" and what?

the ginger-ninja... the ginger-ninja...
the ginger-ninja and...
when the reality of *****...
reaches... an escalation "reality"
of: synonym with... oh god! beards!
ugh!           vot                          ven?!

yep... and the irish were always:
the horse-breeders..
they always were...
always the catholic-intellect juggernauts...
because the hey'talians and
the spoon-innards...
and... mon deu: zee: fwench!
forget the ****** cathos-pathos...
*******-of-os...

and in me:
the gravitas for a disconcerting ambivalence...
almost a compound:
misnomer... but no...
i like the spaghetti though...
yeah: it looks nice on paper...
and off paper...
and anything to cite: the godfather with...
because: boo is a ghost story
that a solo would sell... and ******* like
that...                   yup...
which is a word: to replace the ideal trajectory of:
would be: ghost limb...
james bond...
                          roulette...
you the actors "faking it": no of course...
dylan thomas bob dylan...
"faking it" i.e. stunt actors!
what's "bob": when there's a ******* roulette:
and a devil's dozen of rich, russian...
oligarchal chick... pretending plastic is not...
new world... ******: comb-over...
creaking chair... stlye-on... style-off...
plastico-supermanoh... dynamo-oh-oh...
those "soz" and "whatsevers"...
works well...
the times column...
when your parents are... conscripted...

             mammoth playdough oh oh oh...
irish is cheap...
catholic is cheap-oh...
******...
ha ha... let's not go there...
becauße that's like...
   goldberg variations: the bwv 988 aria...
   yeah: "soz"... but... i'll ******* eat you:
if i have to: for the purpose assigned
to a hard-on... most associated with...
sparrows...
and... the pirates of the confines...
the magpies...
          
             in every period of congregational
"sanity" there's that interlude into:
madness...
howl how! oh dear world of:
that lost appetite of surprise!
        you begin to wither... and die off:
by the slow culmination of hours...
like... a picture to entomb the perfecting
affair of a decaying pear... or apple...
               and...

            and....                 and...
trickling of sentiments...
and sounds...

                           and there are commentaries...
and there are... catholic bishops...
and protestant cardinals...
and ****** popes!             ah ha!
am i to.. truly... die... from laughter?!

Heroes Desconocidos: Parte V: Felipe 1931 - 2016  
© 2016, 2019 Victor D. López

Naciste cinco años antes del comienzo de la Guerra Civil Española que vería a tu padre exiliado.
El lenguaje llegó más tarde a ti que a tu hermano pequeño Manuel, y tartamudeaste por un
Tiempo, a diferencia de aquellos que hablan incesantemente sin nada que decir. Tu madre
Confundió la timidez con la falta de lucidez un trágico error que te marcó por vida.

Cuando tu hermano Manuel murió a los tres años de la meningitis, oíste a tu madre exclamar:
"Dios me llevó el listo y me dejó el tonto." Tenías apenas cinco años. Nunca olvidaste esas
Palabras. ¿Como podrías hacerlo? Sin embargo, amaste a tu madre con todo tu corazón.
Pero también te retiraste más en ti mismo, la soledad tu compañera y mejor amiga.

De hecho, eras un niño excepcional. La tartamudez se alejó después de los cinco años para no
Volver jamás, y cuando estaba en la escuela secundaria, tu maestra llamó a tu madre para una
Rara conferencia y le dijo que la tuya era una mente dotada, y que deberías ingresar a la
Universidad para estudiar ciencia, matemáticas o ingeniería.

Ella escribió a tu padre exiliado en Argentina para decirle la buena noticia, que tus profesores
Creían que fácilmente ganarías la entrada a la (entonces y ahora) altamente selectiva universidad Pública donde los asientos eran pocos, y muy difíciles de alcanzar basado en exámenes Competitivos ¿La respuesta de tu padre? Comprale un par de bueyes para arar las tierras.

Esa respuesta de un hombre muy respetado, un pez grande en un pequeño estanque en su nativo Olearos en ese tiempo está más allá de la comprensión. Había optado por preservar su interés
Propio en que continuaras su negocio familiar y trabajara sus tierras en su ausencia. Esa cicatriz También fue añadida a aquellas que nunca sanarían en tu enorme y poro corazón.

Sin la ayuda para los gastos de vida universitarios (todo lo que habrías requerido), quedaste
Decepcionado y dolido, pero no enfadado; Simplemente encontrarías otra opción. Tomaste los Exámenes competitivos para las dos escuelas de entrenamiento militar que proporcionarían una Educación vocacional excelente y un pequeño sueldo a cambio del servicio militar.

De los cientos de aspirantes a los pocos puestos premiados en cada una de las dos instituciones,
Marcaste primero para el más competitiva de las dos (El Parque) y decimotercero para la Segundo, La Fábrica de Armas. Escogiste la inferior para dejarle el puesto a un compañero de
Clase que había quedado eliminado por pocos puntos. Ese eras tú, siempre y para siempre.

En la escuela militar, finalmente estuviste en tu elemento. Te convertiría en una mecánico /
Maquinista de clase mundial, una profesión que te brindaría trabajo bien pagado en cualquier
Parte de la tierra de por vida. Fuiste verdaderamente un genio mecánico quien años más tarde
Añadiría electrónica, mecánica de automóviles y soldadura especializada a tus capacidades.

Dado un taller de máquinas bien montado, podrías con ingeniería inversa duplicar cada maquina
Y montar uno idéntico sin referencia a planes ni instrucciones. Te convertiste en un mecánico
Maestro dotado, y trabajaste en posiciones de línea y de supervisión en un puñado de empresas
En Argentina y en los Estados Unidos, incluyendo a Westinghouse, Warner-Lambert y Pepsi Co.

Te encantó aprender, especialmente en tus campos (electrónica, mecánica, soldadura), buscando
La perfección en todo lo que hiciste. Cada tarea difícil en el trabajo se te dio a ti toda tu vida.
No dormías por la noche cuando un problema necesitaba solución. Hacías cálculos,
Dibujos, planes y trabajabas incluso literalmente en tus sueños con pasión singular.

Estabas en tu elemento enfrentando los rigores académicos y físicos de la escuela militar,
Pero la vida era difícil para ti en la época de Franco cuando algunos instructores
Te llamaban "Roxo" - "rojo" en gallego - que se refería a la política de tu padre en
Apoyo a la República fallida. Finalmente, el abuso fue demasiado para soportar.

 
Una vez mientras estabas de pie en la atención en un pasillo con los otros cadetes esperando
Dar lista, fuiste repetidamente empujado en la espalda subrepticiamente. Moverte provocaría
Deméritos, y deméritos podrían causar la pérdida de puntos en tu grado final y arresto por
Los fines de semana sucesivos. Lo aguantaste un rato hasta perder la paciencia.

Volteaste hacia el cadete detrás tuyo y en un movimiento fluido lo cogiste por la chaqueta y con
Una mano lo colgaste en un gancho por encima de una ventana donde estaban Parados. Se
Arremolinó, hasta que fue rescatado por dos instructores militares furiosos.
Tuviste detención de Fin de semana durante meses, y una reducción del 10% en el grado final.

Un destino similar le ocurrió un compañero de trabajo unos años más tarde en Buenos Aires que
Te llamó hijo de puta. Lo levantaste en una mano por la garganta y lo mantuviste allí hasta que
Tus compañeros de trabajo intervinieron, rescatándolo al por la fuerza. La lección fue aprendida
Por todos en términos inconfundibles: Dejar a la mamá de Felipe en paz.

Eras increíblemente fuerte, especialmente en tu juventud, sin duda en parte debido a un trabajo
Agrícola riguroso, tu entrenamiento militar y participación en deportes competitivos. A los quince
Años, una vez te doblaste para recoger algo en vista de un carnero, presentando al animal un
Objetivo irresistible. Te cabeceo encima de un pajar. También aprendió rápidamente su lección.

Te sacudiste el polvo, y corriste hacia el pobre carnero, agarrándolo por los cuernos, girándolo
Alrededor varias vueltas, y lanzándolo encima del mismo pajar. El animal no resultó herido, pero Aprendió a mantener su distancia a partir de ese día. En general, fuiste muy lentos en enfadar
Ausente cabeceos, empujones repetidos o referencias irrespetuosas a tu madre.

Rara vez te vi enfadado; y era mamá, no tú, la disciplinaria, con zapatilla en la mano. Recibí
Muy pocas bofetadas tuyas. Mamá me golpeaba con una zapatilla a menudo cuando yo era
Pequeño, sobre todo porque podía ser un verdadero dolor de cabeza, queriendo Saber / intentar / Hacerlo todo, completamente ajeno al significado de la palabra "no" o de mis limitaciones.

Mamá a veces insistía en que me dieras una buena paliza. En una de esas ocasiones por una Transgresión olvidada cuando yo tenía nueve años, me llevaste a tu habitación, quitaste el
Cinturón, te sentaste a mi lado y te pegaste varias veces a tu propio brazo y mano susurrándome
"Llora", lo cual hice fácilmente. "No se lo digas a mamá." No lo hice. Sin duda lo sabía.

La perspectiva de servir en un ejército que te consideraba un traidor por la sangre se te hizo
Difícil de soportar, y en el tercer año de escuela, un año antes de la graduación, te fuiste a unirte
A tu padre exiliado en Argentina, a comenzar una nueva vida. Dejaste atrás a tu amada madre y a
Dos hermanas para comenzar de nuevo en una nueva tierra. Tu querido perro murió de pena.

Llegaste a Buenos Aires para ver a un padre que no recordabas a los 17 años. Eras demasiado
Joven para trabajar legalmente, pero parecías más viejo que tus años (un rasgo compartido).
Mentiste acerca de tu edad e inmediatamente encontraste trabajo como maquinista / mecánico de
Primer grado. Eso fue inaudito y te trajo algunos celos y quejas en el taller sindical.

El sindicato se quejó con el gerente general sobre tu sueldo y rango. Él respondió, "Daré el
Mismo rango y salario a cualquier persona en la compañía que pueda hacer lo que Felipe hace."
Sin duda, los celos y los gruñidos continuaron durante un tiempo. Pero no había compradores.
Y pronto ganaste el grupo, convirtiéndote en su mascota protegida como "hermano pequeño".

Tu padre partió hacia España dentro de un año de tu llegada cuando Franco emitió un perdón
General a todos los disidentes que no habían derramado sangre. Quería que volvieras a
Reanudar el negocio familiar asumido por tu madre en su ausencia con tu ayuda. Pero te negaste a Renunciar tu alto salario, el respeto y la independencia que se te negaban en su casa.

Tendrías escasamente 18 años, viviendo en una habitación que habías compartido con tu padre al
Lado de una escuela. Pero también habías encontrado una nueva querida familia en tu tío José,
Uno de los hermanos de tu padre, y su familia. su hija, Nieves con su esposo, Emilio, y
Sus hijos, Susana, Oscar (Rubén Gordé) y Osvaldo, se convirtieron en tu nueva familia nuclear.

Te casaste con mamá en 1955 y tuviste dos negocios fallidos en el rápido desvanecimiento en la
Argentina a finales de los años 1950 y comienzos de los años 1960. El primero fue un taller
Con una pequeña fortuna de contratos de gobierno no pagados. El segundo, una tienda de
Comestibles, también falló debido a la hiperinflación y el crédito extendió a clientes necesitados.

A lo largo de todo esto, seguiste ganando un salario excepcionalmente bueno. Pero a mediados
De los años 60, casi todo fue a pagar a los acreedores de la tienda de comestibles fallada.
Tuvimos años muy difíciles. Algún día escribiré sobre eso. Mamá trabajo de sirvienta, incluso
Para amigos ricos. Tu salías de casa a las 4:00 a.m. volviendo de noche para pagar las facturas.

El único lujo que tú y mamá retuvieron fue mi colegio católico. No había otra extravagancia. No
Pagar las facturas nunca fue una opción para ustedes. Nunca entró en sus mentes. No era una
Cuestión de ley u orgullo, sino una cuestión de honor. Pasamos por lo menos tres años muy
Dolorosos con tu y mamá trabajando muy duro, ganando bien pero éramos realmente pobres.

Tú y mamá se cuidaron mucho de esconder esto de mí y sufrieron grandes privaciones para
Aislarme lo mejor que pudieron de las consecuencias de una economía destrozada y su efecto a
Sus ahorros de vida y a nuestra cómoda vida. Llegamos a Estados Unidos a finales de los años 60 Después de esperar más de tres años por visas, a una nueva tierra de esperanza.

Tu hermana y cuñado, Marisa y Manuel, hicieron sus propios sacrificios para traernos aquí.
Traíamos unos $ 1, 000 del pago inicial por nuestra diminuta casa, y las joyas empeñadas de Mamá.
(La hiperinflación y los gastos comieron los pagos restantes). Otras posesiones preciadas
Fueron dejadas en un baúl hasta que pudieran reclamarlas. Nunca lo hicieron.

Incluso los billetes de avión fueron pagados por Marisa y Manuel. Insististe al llegar en términos
Escritos para el reembolso con intereses. Fuiste contratado en tu primera entrevista como un
Mecánico de primer grado a pesar de no hablar una palabra de inglés. Dos meses más tarde, la
Deuda fue saldada, mamá también trabajaba, y nos mudamos a nuestro primer apartamento.

Trabajaste largas horas, incluyendo sábados y horas extras diarias. La salud en declive te obligó
A retirarte a los 63 años y poco después, tú y mamá se mudaron de Queens al Condado de Orange. Compraron una casa a dos horas de nuestra residencia permanente en el Condado de Otsego, y, en la Próxima década, fueron felices, viajando con amigos y visitándonos a menudo.

Entonces las cosas empezaron a cambiar. Problemas cardíacos (dos marcapasos), cáncer de
Colon, Melanoma, enfermedad de hígado y renal causada por sus medicamentos, presión arterial
Alta, la gota, Cirugía de la vejiga biliar, diabetes.... Y aún seguiste hacia adelante, como el
Conejito “Energizer”, remendado, golpeado, magullado pero imparable e imperturbable.

Luego mamá comenzó a mostrar señas de pérdida de memoria junto con sus otros problemas de
Salud. Ella oculto bien sus propias dolencias, y nos dimos cuenta mucho más tarde que había un Problema grave. Hace dos años, su demencia empeoraba pero seguía funcionando hasta que
Complicaciones de cirugía de la vesícula biliar requirieron cuatro cirugías en tres meses.

Ella nunca se recuperó y tuvo que ser colocada en un asilo de ancianos con cuido intensivo.
Varios, de hecho, ya que Rechazó la comida y tú y yo nos negamos a simplemente dejarla ir, lo que Pudiera haber sido más noble. Pero "mientras hay vida, hay esperanza" como dicen los españoles.
No hay nada más allá del poder de Dios. Los milagros suceden.

Durante dos años tu viviste solo, rechazando ayuda externa, engendrando numerosos argumentos Acerca de tener a alguien unos días a la semana para ayudar a limpiar, cocinar, y hacer las tareas.
Tu no eras nada sino terco (otro rasgo compartido). El último argumento sobre el tema hace unas
Dos semanas terminó en tu llanto. No aceptarías ayuda externa hasta que mamá regresara a casa.

Sufriste un gran dolor debido a los discos abultados en la columna vertebral y caminabas con uno
De esos asientos ambulatorios con manillares que mamá y yo te elegimos hace años. Te
Sentabas cuando el dolor era demasiado, y luego seguías adelante con pocas quejas. Hace diez
Días, finalmente acordaste que necesitabas ir al hospital para drenar el líquido abdominal.
Tu hígado y riñones enfermos lo producían y se te hinchó el abdomen y las piernas hasta el punto
Que ponerte los zapatos o la ropa era muy difícil, como lo era la respiración. Me llamaste de una
Tienda local llorando que no podías encontrar pantalones que te cupieran. Hablamos, un rato y te
Calmé, como siempre, no permitiendo que te ahogaras en la lástima propia.

Fuiste a casa y encontraste unos pantalones nuevos extensibles que Alice y yo te habíamos
Comprado y quedaste feliz. Ya tenías dos cambios de ropa que aún te cabían para llevar al
Hospital. Listo, ya todo estaba bien. El procedimiento no era peligroso y lo había ya pasado
Varias veces.  Sería necesario un par de días en el hospital y te vería de nuevo el fin de semana.

No pude estar contigo el lunes 22 de febrero cuando tuviste que ir al hospital, como casi siempre
Lo había hecho, por el trabajo. Se suponía que debías ser admitido el viernes anterior, para yo Acompañarte, pero los médicos también tienen días libres y cambiaron la cita. No pude faltar al
Trabajo. Pero no estabas preocupado; Esto era sólo rutina. Estarías bien. Te vería en unos días.

Iríamos a ver a mamá el viernes, cuando estarías mucho más ligero y te sentirías mucho mejor.
Tal vez podríamos ir a comprate más ropa si la hinchazón no disminuía lo suficiente. Condujiste
Al médico y luego te transportaron por ambulancia al hospital. Yo estaba preocupado, pero no Demasiado. Me llamaste sobre las cinco de la tarde para decirme que estabas bien, descansando.

“No te preocupes. Estoy seguro aquí y bien cuidado." Hablamos un poco sobre lo usual, y te
Asegure que te vería el viernes o el sábado. Estabas cansado y querías dormir. Te pedí que me Llamaras si despertabas más tarde esa noche o te hablaría yo al día siguiente. Alrededor de
Las 10:00 p.m. recibí una llamada de tu celular y respondí de la manera habitual optimista.

“Hola, Papi.” En el otro lado había una enfermera que me decía que mi padre había caído.
Le aseguré que estaba equivocada, ya que mi padre estaba allí para drenar el líquido abdominal.
"No entiendes. Se cayó de su cama y se golpeó la cabeza en una mesita de noche o algo,
Y su corazón se ha detenido. Estamos trabajando en él durante 20 minutos y no se ve bien ".

"¿Puedes llegar aquí?" No pude. Había bebido dos o tres vasos de vino poco antes de la llamada
Con la cena. No pude conducir las tres horas a Middletown. Lloré. Oré. Quince minutos después
Recibí la llamada de que te habías ido. Perdido en el dolor, sin saber qué hacer, llamé a mi
Esposa. Poco después vino una llamada del forense. Se requirió una autopsia. No pudría verte.

Cuatro días después tu cuerpo fue finalmente entregado al director de funeraria que había
Seleccionado por su experiencia con el proceso de entierro en España. Te vi por última vez para Identificar tu cuerpo. Besé mis dedos y toqué tu frente mutilada. Ni siquiera podrías tener la
Dignidad de un ataúd abierto. Querías cremación. Tu cuerpo lo espera mientras escribo esto.

Estabas solo, incluso en la muerte. Solo. En el hospital, mientras desconocidos trabajaron en ti. En la Oficina del médico forense mientras esperabas la autopsia. En la mesa de la autopsia
Mientras pinchaban, empujaban, y cortaban tu cuerpo buscando indicios irrelevantes que no
Cambiarían nada ni beneficiarían a nadie, y menos que a nadie a ti.

Tendremos un servicio conmemorativo el próximo viernes con tus cenizas y una misa el sábado.
Nunca más te veré en esta vida. Alice y yo te llevaremos a casa, a tu pueblo natal, al
Cementerio de Olearos, La Coruña, España este verano. Allí esperarás el amor de tu vida.
Quién se unirá contigo en la plenitud del tiempo. Ella no comprendió mis lágrimas ni tu muerte.

Hay una bendición en la demencia. Ella pregunta por su madre, y dice que está preocupada
Porque no ha venido a visitarla en algún tiempo. “Ella viene”, me asegura siempre que la veo.
Tú la visitabas todos los días, excepto cuando la salud lo impedía. Pasaste este 10 de febrero aparte,
El aniversario 61 de bodas, demasiado enfermo para visitarla. Tampoco yo pude ir. Primera vez.

Espero que no te hayas dado cuenta de que estabais aparte el 10, pero dudo que sea el caso.
No te lo mencioné, esperando que lo hubieras olvidado, y tú tampoco. Eras mi conexión con Mamá.
No puede marcar o contestar un teléfono. Tu le ponías el teléfono celular al oído cuando
Yo no estaba en clase o en reuniones y podía hablar con ella. Ella siempre me reconoció.
Estoy a tres horas de ella. Los visitaba una o dos veces al mes. Ahora incluso esa línea de
Vida está cortada. Mamá está completamente sola, asustada, confundida, y no puedo en el corto
Plazo al menos hacer mucho sobre eso. No habías de morir primero. Fue mi mayor temor, y el
Tuyo, pero como con tantas cosas que no podemos cambiar, lo puse en el fondo de mi mente.

Me mantuvo en pie muchas noches, pero, como tú, todavía creía --y creo-- en milagros.
Yo te hablaba todas las noches, a menudo durante una hora o más, en el camino a casa del trabajo Tarde por la noche durante mi hora de viaje, o desde casa mientras cocinaba mi cena.
La mayoría del tiempo te dejaba hablar, tratando de darte apoyo y aliento.

Estabas solo, triste, atrapado en un ciclo sin fin de dolor emocional y físico. Últimamente eras Especialmente reticente a colgar el teléfono. Cuando mamá estaba en casa y todavía estaba
Relativamente bien, yo llamaba todos los días también, pero por lo general hablaba contigo sólo
Unos minutos y le dabas el teléfono a mamá, con quien conversaba por mucho más tiempo.

Durante meses tuviste dificultades para colgar el teléfono. Sabía que no querías volver al sofá,
Para ver un programa de televisión sin sentido, o para pagar más facturas. Me decías adiós, o
"Ya basta para hoy", y comenzar inmediatamente un nuevo hilo, repitiendo el ciclo, a veces cinco o seis Veces. Me dijiste una vez llorando recientemente, "Cuélgame o seguiré hablando".

Te quería, papá, con todo mi corazón. Discutimos, y yo a menudo te gritaba con frustración,
Sabiendo que nunca lo tomarías a pecho y que por lo general solo me ignorarías y harías lo que querías. Sabía lo desesperadamente que me necesitabas, y traté de ser tan paciente como pude.
Pero había días en los que estaba demasiado cansado, frustrado, y lleno de otros problemas.

Había días en los que me sentía frustrado cuando te quedabas en el teléfono durante una hora
Cuando necesitaba llamar a Alice, comer mi cena fría o incluso mirar un programa favorito.
Muy rara vez te corté una conversación por lo larga que fuese, pero si estuve frustrado a veces,
Incluso sabiendo bien cuánto me necesitabas y yo a ti, y cuán poco me pediste.

¿Cómo me gustaría oír tu voz de nuevo, incluso si fuera quejándote de las mismas cosas, o
Para contarme en detalle más minucioso algún aspecto sin importancia de tu día. Pensé que te haría
Tener al menos un poco más de tiempo. ¿Un año? ¿Dos? Sólo Dios sabía. Habría tiempo. Tenía
Mucho más que compartir contigo, mucho más de aprender cuando la vida se relajara un poco.

Tú me enseñaste a pescar (no tomó) y a cazar (que tomó aún menos) y mucho de lo que sé sobre
La mecánica y la electrónica. Trabajamos en nuestros coches juntos durante años--cambios de
Frenos, silenciadores, “tuneas” en los días en que los puntos, condensadores y luces de
Cronometraje tenían significado. Reconstruimos carburadores, ventanas eléctricas, y chapistería.

Éramos amigos, bunos amigos. Fuimos los domingos en coche a restaurantes favoritos o a
Comprar herramientas cuando yo era soltero y vivía en casa. Me enseñaste todo lo que necesito
Saber en la vida sobre todas las cosas que importan. El resto es papel sin sentido y vestidor.
Conocí tus pocas faltas y tus colosales virtudes y te conocí ser el mejor hombre de los dos.

Ni punto de comparación. Nunca podría hacer lo que hiciste. Nunca podría sobresalir en mis
Campos como lo hiciste en los tuyos. Eras hecho y derecho en todos los sentidos, visto desde
Todos los ángulos, a lo largo de tu vida. No te traté siempre así, pero te amé siempre
Profundamente, como lo sabe cualquiera que nos conoce. Te lo he dicho a menudo, sin vergüenza.

El mundo se ha enriquecido con tu viaje sobre él. No dejas atrás gran riqueza, ni obras que te Sobrevivan. Nunca tuviste tus quince minutos al sol. Pero importaste. Dios conoce tu virtud, tu
Integridad absoluta y la pureza de tu corazón. Nunca conoceré a un hombre mejor. Te amaré, te Extrañaré y te llevaré en mi corazón todos los días de mi vida. Que Dios te bendiga, papá.

  Si desean oír mi lectura de la versión original de este poema en inglés, pueden hacerlo aquí:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRUiSZr1_rWDEObcWJELP7w

I don't have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
I'll stay away from Yellowstone.
If one's asthmatic in the Eifel region
You don't pronounce the "P."
This won't **** me.

I don't have COPD.
Everyone coughs in blue smoke.
My throaty itch won't **** me.
I won't constrict and choke.

I don't have an infectious disease,
Despite my personality.
I run for shelter in acid rain.
I drink water with ice cubes,
And spray my green out back.
As much as I hate to, I avoid rusty nails.
*** is safe... and at a distance.
Despite being repeatedly told to,
I never eat ****.
The great imitator
Is a snivelling mime.
If I'm bitten, I recognize the marks.
The erupting of the ring of fire won't **** me,
but perhaps I was precocious
To drop the "P" in
Pneumonoultramicroscopicscilicovolcanoconiosis.

I haven't succumb to animal flues,
I stay clear from the bars.
I donate to the SPCA,
Bet on ponies or the odds of SARS.

I don't have meningitis.
I like lights and loud music.
If I get the night sweats,
I turn down my electric blanket.

I haven't the minor or greater pox,
I spurn comparisons.

According to the scoop and scope,
I ascend and descent C free.
But the time spent on Referrals
Might be the death of me.

I don't have botulism.
My smile still concaves down.
Curling convex above it,
A condescending frown.

I'm not a *****.
I feel every poke and like.
My digits number twenty...
Twenty one.
My glasses are smudge free.
If anything I see too well.

Alcoholism can't **** me.
Alcohol can.

I haven't cardio entropy,
But I'd be remiss
To dismiss
The wise counsel Oz gave me:
"Hearts can never be made practical until they can be made unbreakable."
So true.
So true!

Anyway, none of the above will get me.

But, I do have what you have.
The young and grown.
The able and ill.
A hand.
A sweeping hand.
A second hand
Setting those infectious nonogerms
Like diamonds
In my Time-x.

A Galway and Suffock ram.
Both employed on our farm
to ****.

When the midwife is due
Larry and Barry are left to themselves
and 2 in to Alpha doesn’t go.

Over the years, I noticed,
every business blow
reduced blood
from torrent to trickle.

When Larry developed meningitis
he was taken into care,
Barry had a look
that struck me dumb.

I can never be able to tell Barry
I was there
when life left his body.

A mountain crumbling into nothing.

Hubby,
Our fractured laugh is irredeemable.
It Is reinforcing the heroic microbes.
to brainstorm some tiny schemes.
with a lack of delicacy and tact

to recur the same cynic nights of devastation,
incorporate the sores into our throats; a full-time personification of tangible intrusion, directly to the full portrait of the Meningitis itself.

Distracting the law of the incubation hours for all strains, overpowering the blood cower, and hovering over our jaded hoarse, sneering at our last appalling psyche-knot

After this creative detention,
I’m invoking another forever torpor inside of our hearts' beats to pose another irrevocable damage that would perpetuate a close depiction of da Vinci’s Last Supper masterpiece.

Honey, Light yourself with a viral-bacterial whirlwind and sink into its bleakness beside my bewitching bind.
I'm still loving you despite all my infections.
amid the urge to enfold your tsunami and swallow its combination
Fortunately, we have survived so many different tragedies together, as a full piece of plague
above Utopia.

- The Poetic Soul

I want to learn everything; everything comprises of everything,
be it the knowledge of the nature or the horizons of the cosmos
I want to canvas over the universe, multiverses;
to paint my reality with a brush of joy.
But, it's tough for me, because I'm dementic
If I decline it while inclining towards a book
Dyslexia obliterates my desires and hurt me badly
If I ignore all this, ADHD comes forward to poke me
with a stick of astounds and pains of eventide
If I cut down the roots of ADHD, S.A.D greets me
and enter to my dark world and enhance its darkness
I'm confused, shattered; directionless in a myopic way
Highly myopic, no direction, but I do have vision
I want to crisscross my myopia to an extent
where it diminishes.
Meningitis, shut up, you *******,
Please have mercy on me, I don't deserve U at least,
But do I really need someone to have mercy on me?
I guess no, I can build my own world where
Dementia strengthens my spirits by saying,
Why just Embryology, what secrets do you want to find
Ova is not dependent on a ****** *****,
it is a complete YOU.

i couldn't stand the heat,
spent most of the time in the shade,
everyone made fun
of the guy standing by the pool
reading a book, pretending to
be a sundial;
i was called the whiskey-man;
one night i slept outside
and by the time i woke up my glass
of brandy disappeared;
mingled with the "auctioneers"
of a good time; boy one of those
kenyan girls was hot... oomph,
she looked like oiled coal, slimy bits
and raw ***...
i know i was a tourist...
played a stupid drinking game with
two english girls, snogged one
at the end of the game, wasn't invited
back to the room for a *******,
spent hours at night looking at the tide
splashing the shore, cried at the painting
so alive all the museums and galleries
became graveyards of appreciation;
it was a holiday resort, i admit,
although one bartender asked me to do
a local tour of the place, go clubbing,
supposedly a colonial ******* i was
upon first reading;
but the heat though! god almighty, couldn't
stand the temperature,
i was literally an ice-cream cone most
of the time, took to the shades,
wrote a short story for my grandfather
about an elephant dunking his trunk into
a bottle of brandy...
one day got chatting to a scottish pair
and a russian couple,
told the scottish guy about travis' 12 memories
album,
i was originally asking for a cigarette,
so we drank and chatted about mickey mouse
politics of america...
the scottish guy eventually ran off and jumped
into the kids' shallow pool veering
on blind-drunk-happy...
another time i too jumped into a pool
with my clothes on...
god-**** this heat...
ha, hmm, those kenyan macaques were funny
esp. on prompt of being fed on the balcony...
but boy that baboon was a menace,
a real anarchist, charged in like a donkey
with meningitis and stole food...
although one baboon had massive haemorrhoids...
and given his fat pinky ***... it was even funnier to watch.
oh yeah, and this guy muhammad wanted
to take me to a crocodile sanctuary of his...
i sort of refused the invitation,
and no, i didn't go on the zoological escapade
of a safari to see the Masai tribesmen...
just gave c. g. jung's modern man in search of soul
to one of the caretakers of the resort.

takes away dreams. If it doesn’t ****
you it rots out your brain –
Permanently
You’ll slowly recover so that

you can eat on your own, and walk
again. But you’ll never come home. You
won’t be able to retain anything. You will
not work or go to school. You will not

have a girlfriend. You will go nowhere
on your own without a staff member
helping you. You cannot even tie your own
shoes. You can’t go the bathroom

without someone wiping your ***. You
cannot do much. But you can pack a punch, or
leave a mark on someone else when neurons
shoot off and you get upset. So, get the *******

vaccine for your children. I would have
for mine. But it didn’t come out in time. It came
out a mere three months later after he was already
infected lying in a hospital bed, disconnected
from everything he knew his whole life.

Meningitis B ***** Up Lives

Sheila was 4 feet tall with short limbs. Hugo was the same height. He didn't play basketball with ******* because of the height & skin advantages they had. Sheila mingled with *******, but only the .000002% who didn't play basketball. She also regretted several bad experiences with Bill Cosby. Hugo and Sheila met at a basketball game between Tucson & Cullman. It was a close shave but the stubble stopped at her handsome ***** and if she would ever be ready for public ****** the time had come. Violently, like O.J. Simpson & Bill Cosby would, she tore off her underpants. Three safety-fearing cops beat her savagely with back-jack clubs after handcuffing her. On the way to the police station pepper spray & tasers were used. Hugo decided to look elsewhere for a new girlfriend. Who needs a ******? With a ****** your head and feet touch nothing unless you're a ****** too. Who has time for that? Normal women are better. After jail Sheila decided to have ****** relations with Hugo.
   Every mustache hair on Sheila's face quivered beneath Hugo's touch. His large ****** hands touched her ****** parts gingerly sending shock-waves of desire through her miniature body. Let's see a full-sized man try Hugo's midgety-fidgedy tricks and get the same results. Midgets know midgets and Hugo was really good at pleasing ****** women. Sheila too knew the difference between normal men and ****** men like a doctor can tell meningitis and **** warts apart. Sheila manipulated Hugo to the ******-sized bed so it would be easier to fill the night with unspeakable acts of ****** ****** relations.
   Sheila wanted to be a jet pilot so she contacted jet-pilot school. She was insulted when the teacher told her to sit mid jet till all the students boarded.
   Sheila warns: “Never use automobile motor oil as a ******-thermometer lubricant. Never substitute ******-thermometer lubricant for automobile motor oil in your car.”
   Sheila advises: “Open-chest heart massage is a must for dogs that have no pulse. Use a sharp object (nail file, can lid, glass shard, etc.) to open chest. Spread ribs. Massage heart. Once the heart resumes beating: arrange ribs into proper alignment and close the chest wound with thread, yarn, shoe lace, fishing line or wire.”
   Hugo was engaged to wed Countess Winnifred Hamptonfordshire and all London was buzzing. “We have something special,” Sheila observed. “We have a love that only midgets and people with meningitis complicated by **** warts can understand.” Hugo was sullen. He loved Sheila a lot but he loved Countess Winnifred Hamptonfordshire a lot too. But it's wrong to love two women and yes a ****** counts as one woman.
    Countess Winnifred Hamptonfordshire was sheltered by the luxurious life that manor-born people live so she had no clue what meningitis complicated by **** warts was.

Hugo was from Tucson, Arizona. Sheila was from Cullman, Alabama. By the end of this story they will be lovers. Sheila was 4 feet tall with short limbs. Hugo was the same height. He didn't play basketball with ******* because of the height & skin advantages they had. Sheila mingled with *******, but only the .000002% who didn't play basketball. She also regretted several bad experiences with Bill Cosby. Hugo and Sheila met at a basketball game between Tucson & Cullman. It was a close shave but the stubble stopped at her handsome ***** and if she would ever be ready for public ****** the time had come. Violently, like O.J. Simpson & Bill Cosby would, she tore off her underpants. Three safety-fearing cops beat her savagely with back-jack clubs after handcuffing her. On the way to the police station pepper spray & tasers were used. Hugo decided to look elsewhere for a new girlfriend. Who needs a ******? With a ****** your head and feet touch nothing unless you're a ****** too. Who has time for that? Normal women are better. After jail Sheila decided to have ****** relations with Hugo.
   Every mustache hair on Sheila's face quivered beneath Hugo's touch. His large ****** hands touched her ****** parts gingerly sending shock-waves of desire through her miniature body. Let's see a full-sized man try Hugo's midgety-fidgedy tricks and get the same results. Midgets know midgets and Hugo was really good at pleasing ****** women. Sheila too knew the difference between normal men and ****** men like a doctor can tell meningitis and **** warts apart. Sheila manipulated Hugo to the ******-sized bed so it would be easier to fill the night with unspeakable acts of ****** ****** relations.
   Sheila wanted to be a jet pilot so she contacted jet-pilot school. She was insulted when the teacher told her to sit mid jet till all the students boarded.
   Sheila warns: “Never use automobile motor oil as a ******-thermometer lubricant. Never substitute ******-thermometer lubricant for automobile motor oil in your car.”
   Sheila advises: “Open-chest heart massage is a must for dogs that have no pulse. Use a sharp object (nail file, can lid, glass shard, etc.) to open chest. Spread ribs. Massage heart. Once the heart resumes beating: arrange ribs into proper alignment and close the chest wound with thread, yarn, shoe lace, fishing line or wire.”
   Hugo was engaged to wed Countess Winnifred Hamptonfordshire and all London was buzzing. “We have something special,” Sheila observed. “We have a love that only midgets and people with meningitis complicated by **** warts can understand.” Hugo was sullen. He loved Sheila a lot but he loved Countess Winnifred Hamptonfordshire a lot too. But it's wrong to love two women and yes a ****** counts as one woman.
    Countess Winnifred Hamptonfordshire was sheltered by the luxurious life that manor-born people live so she had no clue what meningitis complicated by **** warts was.

Annie Chapman, the maiden Smith,
******* daughter of a soldier born,
Parents entered joy of wedlock,
When ******* girl was still a baby.

Got married herself in 1869,
Had three children sweet,
First sweet daughter Emily,
Captured by meningitis bug,
Stole their eldest gal away,
Second child was a lad named John, born tragically disabled,
A third daughter born 1884 who ran away with the circus seeking some fun, when grown.

Marriage crumbled,
Due to sorrow,
Loss of daughter,
Destroyed all tomorrows,
Son was put into institution,
So they could not go on,
Drifted apart on a tide of drink,
Only way not to think,
Separated fell apart in 1884,

Lady 'Annie', with sorrowful heart and hair of brown,
Known as 'Dark Annie'
Maybe because she wore a frown,
She was the victim blessed with civility,
Until the drink contorted her,
Bending her mind,

Early as the daylight rose,
She had found a dark haired fellow,
Wearing deerstalker,
Maybe a friend of Holmes himself,
Although it's sadly doubted,
Probably a client, looking for her wares,

Body slain, lain on the floor,
Not far from her gate,
Throat slashed, viscera scattered around,
Coating her shoulders , with blood spattered dressings,

A neckerchief in situ,
Had he maybe provided a most unpleasant gift,
No financial donation for this poor lady,
Asphyxiation for the lady, she didn't take her daily pills,

Queer perhaps,
Her murderer knew what to do,
Maybe vile ****** man was medical in origin,
Some speculation hinted,
The ****** weapon was an autopsy knife!

This is the story of the second Jack the Ripper victim.
By ladylivvi1

© 2013 ladylivvi1 (All rights reserved)

you came out rosie
and turned to blue

shots to immunize...
shocked the health out of you..

sharp corner called
your toddlers tender lip

invincible, you flew  
shoulder met earth
half way round  
hard into the cold ground

meningitis settled in
lymes not far behind
both with fevers and
lots of tears...thought we
might lose you at 9

3 concussions within 2 years
being pulled off the hill
snow packed up to your ears
                      
daddy went to prison
anguish and pain
forced your decision
To become so thin

running through corn fields
dazed and confused..
up for 3 days, don't 'member
what'd been done to you

boyfriend deals..big guy in town
love him so much
you go down..
2 federal offenses..is he still around?

attempted ****** and ****
left you damaged beyond
all so overwhelming
you look for ways to drown
anything to block the pain
you twirl round and round and round

got pulled back from
the edge last night.
a needle in your arm
announced dead till
policeman felt you warm...

Oh My Darlin
Oh My Sweet
Such a Beautiful Soul trying to
Fly Free
I Call to Your Perfect Self..
Come Back
Please Come Back
Please Come Back to Me**


Copyright © 2014 Christi Michaels
All Rights Reserved.

Why do I matter? Why should I stay?
Because where you leave your pain and suffering, many people who are still here will pick it up... Yes, you may feel like no one cares or they wouldn’t notice if you left, but you are wrong. You're worth much more than you realize. Every persons life is important and meaningful because of how we are all connected. Look around... how many people are in your world? How many people have you come in contact with? Even if they never met you in person, even if they've never said a word to you; your death would affect their life.
One of my brother’s best friends died when we were in high school. Geoff was never a huge part in my life, but he was in my world. He was always over my house because my brother and his were best friends and they were swim/water polo teammates.  His death was caused by meningitis, not suicide, but even so, it impacted so many people and took everyone by surprise. When they announced his name over the loud speaker that day at school, I felt a part of my heart break... Because I knew that right then, his parents, sister and his older brother were in so much pain... Because I knew all of his friends, my brother included, were crying, mourning and thinking of all of the times they had had with him. Even to this day, almost 10 years later, people still post things about him on Facebook. Every year on his birthday, I see people sharing photos and memories. I see his brothers posts on the anniversary of his death and my heart breaks over and over. I watched his brother collapse and scream — crying over the loss of his brother. I'll never forget that sound. I can never forget that image. His parents had a complete mental break down. His mom was actually institutionalized afterwards because she was a danger to herself. His father became an alcoholic very soon after Geoffs death. No one could comprehend what life was going to be like without Geoff. Even people like me, someone who only knew him in passing, were affected by his death. You may think that you are worthless, that no one will miss you, that this pain will never end, but you aren’t, they will, and it will. Trust me love. I’ve gone through 27 years of fighting mental illness, loss, and suicide attempts. I know exactly what you’re going through, but committing suicide would destroy a lot of people. This is a part of the reason I hold on. So, Please don't give up. It gets better.

it was the year of the piñata,
too much wine and beer,
but today i revised myself, bought thirteen quid’s worth
of whiskey and lost my former bias,
and as i read the informational cameo
it dawned on me, it dawned on me to revise it, like so:
uk chief philosophical officers recommend adults do
not regularly exceed -
3 - 4 units of advice as men daily
and 0 - 1 units of advice as women annually.
well give woman everything and she might give just
give you all of what eden isn’t -
and you’ll be up there thinking out why anally speaking
the crucifix was a violin jew of the place he once once
knew, but golgotha isn’t a city or a place,
it’s a crucifix and nothing more.
but as i sip my handy new friend to shake me later
i remember... this story isn’t really about me,
it has a vague resemblance of me included in it,
which means that all that is surrounding this tale
is more about something that’s beyond ‘the guilty me,’
a sort of rasputin oddity of strength,
i wish i could capture body language humour with letters,
but i can’t, all i can say is that when she was near suicidal
taking the advice whispered into the air for her presence
she didn’t slit her wrists but aimed at cutting downstream
aiming of an artery like luke suggested,
and when i was there for three days, i only undressed
in bed on the second night, slept with the window open
and the cold edinburgh late autumn fuzzing up my shortcut hairstyle
into a hoped for meningitis,
while she played a video game talking about
not being able to kills this giant lizard,
with the odd outburst about her brother being dead
and the best *** she had with sam,
while i brought her curry from the mosque (this time not barefoot),
popped one of her anti-depressant pills
and then left speedily on a train i came;
this edinburgh haunted me,
she texted me on the train - ‘why did you leave without
saying the daydreaming goodbye?’
and i replied - ‘ whisper sometimes girl, whisper,
and i’ll give you a cat’s whisker.’
edinburgh haunted me this time - this time i was ready
with the chocolate minstrels upon arrival
but not the ****, odd thing is
i turned a relationship of a few months not even worth
to mention half a year into a writing career;
and if i do it for free for the rest of my life,
i won’t have to think about engaging in gambling
or buying her a nice new floral outfit in the parallelism of imagination.
i’ll be among the ancient greeks thinking about
the stilettos of mahogany tables and trying to find a
stray dog for companion in a jar like diogenes;
but i might come across the whitecoats who will symptomise
everything about me for a 9 to 5 for five days a week’s worth of
bacon eggs and bread.

24 hours till my last breath, 24 hours till my inevitable death
Thought I had forever, but forever goes by so fast
Most people never know, which day is their last.
I thought knowing would be a blessing,
but it’s nothing more than distressing
I’m young, not ready to go,
oh God, can I have more time to borrow?!
I thought I’d grow old, experience much more of life
But this fear is consuming, piercing like a knife.
I can’t tell my family, it would simply break their hearts
But I need them with me as my life falls apart

23 hours till I’m dead and gone,
Thursday, November 1st, the beginning of dawn.
At least there’s some beauty in dying at sunrise,
Darkness no more, only hopeful light in the skies.
I write letters to all whom I love, saying all I can possibly think of.
The ink has bled from my fallin’ tears,
It’s so hard to reminisce these past 22 years.
Was it all worth it? The pain and the stress,
Only to remember all my joy and success.
Though I’m not ready to leave and say goodbye,
At least I know, I’ll have no regrets when I die.


22 hours till my time to go, a talk with God, my soul I do owe
I pray for those I’m leaving behind,
Comfort, peace I hope they do find
I close my eyes to receive my last rites,
Wondering what it’ll be like walking into the lights.
Will I be reunited with souls I have lost
Or for my sins will I be paying the cost.
I sure hope that whatever awaits,
Is nothing short, of the pearly white gates


21 hours, I know they’ll go by quick,
Counting down these hours, it’s making me sick.
I call a family meeting, to tell them the news,
I’m so choked up but it’s too late to refuse,
“There’s something I have to tell you guys”, I start off to say
“I’ve been to the doctors and it seems today is my last day.”
Brother looks confused as he doesn’t understand,
“How can this be? Death is rarely ever planned?”
“I have meningitis, from bacteria caught too late,
End of life plans, I was told to create."
Mother holds me close as she starts to cry,
“Another opinion” she says, “it’s something we have to try!”
“I’ve had multiple consults mom, I have to accept my fate.
If this life were a game, then my time is calling checkmate”
Sister wipes a tear rolling down her face,
Dad comes over, and says “family embrace!”
“We’ll get through this together”, brother starts to say.
“Trust in God,” dad says, “everything will be okay.”


20 hours now, I know the end is near,
I’m trying to be brave, but I’m trembling with fear.
A sunflower stamp seals my notes with wax hot,
I place them on my bed, to be found in the right spot.
I close the door, back I’ll never again look,
Finally ready to enjoy this final chapter of my book.


They say that the present, it is truly a gift,
19 hours left, my attitude has to shift.
“Let’s have a campout, by that park Rouge Hill”
Right by the water, it's the perfect place to chill
I help my family pack up the car, good thing Rouge Hill isn’t that far
With blankets, chairs and wood for a fire,
Can’t forget ma’s cooking, it’s all, I desire.


18 hours and we’re walking along the shore,
Trying to push through, my body is really sore.
I try not to wince, or show that I’m in pain
As I won’t feel much at all, once I’ve been slain.


17 hours the wind is cold and brisk,
I jump in the water, what’s life without some risk.
Submersing my head, I’ve been swallowed whole,
Being under water, nature in control.
Here right now, I’m truly at peace, in the water, it’s the best release.


Only 16 hours left, so I climb out,
The hot blazing fire, it’s easy to scout.
Sister wrapped in a blanket oh so toasty,
“Everything okay?” mom says, I reply, “mostly”
Brother brings over a big deck of cards,
Dad’s playing guitar, you can hear it for yards,
I have the biggest grin spread across my face,
home is with you, for a place is just a place.


How many hours now, 10 plus 5, 15 hours till I’m no longer alive.
I pour us apple cider, for it warms the heart,
Nothing like a hot drink, when life’s falling apart.
Around the fire, songs we do sing,
each and every word, to them I cling.
Our singing gets louder, at the top of our lungs,
energetic passion rolling from our tongues



14 hours, is that really the time? It flying by, that must be a crime
We eat dinner, telling stories all the while,
laughing so hard, making my time worthwhile.


13, 13, it’s getting down to the crunch,
this unspoken tension ain’t just a hunch.
I don’t want to be a damper and spoil the mood,
But let’s be honest, there’s no point being allude.
“Hey everyone, I think we should discuss,
the plan when I die, I don’t want you to fuss”
“I want you to plant, a sunflower seed,
I want you to live as if tomorrow ain’t guaranteed.
Sunflowers are symbols of warmth, light, hope,
That God is with you when it’s difficult to cope.
Treat those around you with utmost respect,
The importance of kindness, don’t ever neglect
This is how, you can remember me, live your life at the fullest degree”


12 more hours, I pull my sister aside.
“The amount that I love you, surpasses love worldwide
I need you to be strong, to not fall apart
For I’ll never leave you, I’ll always be in your heart
You are so special, I hope you never doubt, how beautiful you are, inside and out
Don’t ever feel the need to follow the crowd, for you are enough, trust me, be proud.”


11 more hours, what can I say,
to you my dear brother, I’d be here all day
“I’ll never forget all the adventures we’ve had,
racing our bikes in the forest with dad
All the road trips squished in the back seat,
long choir practice with your piano so sweet
All our discussions of life so profound
When you were 8 and scraped your knee on the ground
How you amaze me each and every day,
you’ll continue to do so when I’m gone away
Wherever I’ll be, I’ll be looking out,
there by your side, your life throughout.”


10 more hours, “who wants a s’more?”
Who can resist a gooey graham galore.
I pass around, marshmallows to roast,
dad gets the coffee, I prepare a toast
“A toast to my life, and to my final day.
A toast to living it, the best possible way.
A toast to you brother and all future success.
A toast to you sister, the world you’ll impress.
A toast to you father, whom I deeply appreciate.
A toast to you mom, this I dedicate,
You brought me into this world, life to me you gave
I hope in your heart, these words you do save.
For I can never repay you for all that you’ve done,
Your unwavering love, from the moment my life begun.
I’ve never met a soul as kind as you.
You inspired me, more than you ever knew.
Please find joy mom, you are so strong,
life’s brought you pain but know you belong,
Belong in this family, belong in our hearts,
you are so beautiful with all perfect parts.
Mom I love you, I wish I could profess,
but no amount of words can measure or express.”


9 more hours, time to talk to my dad.
He starts the conversation, that makes me real glad.
“I remember when you used to fit in my arm
The moment you were born, I tried to protect you from harm
You were so little, look at you now…”
He starts to choke up, furrowing his brow.
“Dad…” I say, “I never said this enough,
but you taught me a lot, being so tough.
You taught me to aim for dreams so high,
you taught me to work hard, myself to apply.
You taught me to appreciate the little things in life,
I wasn’t always easy, forgive me for all past strife.
Your dedication and effort was never ignored,
I know your love, in it, was poured
I need to say this before I bid adieu,
thank you for everything, I love you too.


8 more hours, can I slow down the clock,
all I am hearing is tick tock tick tock.
I think I’ve said all that I needed to say,
I’m feeling so tired, down I want to lay.
On thick blankets spread upon the grass,
I lie with my family, accepting time will pass.
Looking at the stars, shining up above,
I feel blessed to be surrounded by so much love.


7 hours, my breath begins to slow,
trying to stay awake, we hold hands in a row.
“Are you afraid?” says a voice in the dark.
“I’ve been afraid since fate made its mark.
That being said, it does make it better,
being with you”, my eyes are getting wetter.


6 more hours, I take out my will, I had it drawn up in case I got ill
Who knew that I’d need it so soon, but with death, no one’s immune
“You will need this,” I say to mom,
“my body I don’t want you to embalm
Any organs, tissues that are viable,
please donate, I know you’re reliable
They will be much more of use,
if someone’s pain, it can excuse.”


5 hours left till my last respiration,
I look at the sky in pure admiration
The number of stars are impossible to count,
the beauty of life, our minds can’t surmount.
The depth of existence, our egos obscure,
Maybe when we die, the answers we’ll know for sure
This world around us is so very pretty,
I wanted to see more, it’s really such a pity.


4 hours now, my body is shutting down,
gasping for air as if I’m about to drown.
My breathing is laboured, it’s difficult to speak.
I hug my family, though I am weak.
Death is getting closer, I feel it in my bones,
I don’t want to move and let out any groans.

3 hours now, something doesn’t feel right,
3 hours now, my insides are tight.
My organs are giving up one by one,
the elephant on my chest sure weighs a tonne.
I’m trying to be strong but life’s escaping me,
fighting to stay alive is painful misery.


2 hours to go, I think I’m falling asleep,
with heavy eyes I see my family weep.
With all the energy I have left to spare,
I say “I love you. Please don’t despair.”
I’m holding on to life, they are holding on to me,
Tearfully mom says, “It’s okay, go be free.”


I close my eyes and fall asleep,
I pray the Lord, my soul to keep.
This last hour of my inevitable death,
I peacefully release, my last breath.

there are so many ways
you could have ended
spontaneous abortion
SIDS
childhood meningitis
drowning
forgetting to look both ways
gun accident
gun on purpose
car wreck
overdose
domestic homicide
war
Death came pretty close
before your eyes were even open
Don’t let the only killer you can control
get the best of you
*****, you lived!
Don’t let your mind **** you

Are you stupid
do you get it?
there are rhymes here
and there and everywhere
anywhere- meanings besides what you read

christ give me meningitis
or some sickness to display
the esoteric **** that I say
as a ailment to amend
or **** me
- but nonetheless to do me away-

I don't mean to pry
but why do you read?
to learn to become someone else?
we'll make the best of it-
I transgress the evident tip;

please refrain from adapting to the ego of a million towers
I see you wander
- all of you
with your collars-
while I sit on my *** and bite my callouses
and listen to mid-popular, music
and I feel taller
as I submit, again and again and again
since theres no limit, to my drivel
and the **** ill say and do
till you reject it
and even then I continue
when you sit there and read - as I do with myself in revision-
you- as I- come to a wall - or worse a hole
something to take away neither the pain nor the gain - but the attention
or compassion from my life and yours too
I struggle to have these metaphors and hidden meanings rammed down my throat;

to take it in - perhaps make sense- perhaps be happy again

to accept , move to whats next, not regret, gain a lesson, begin to clap and to win

and establish new intentions

But I struggle to have these metaphors and meanings hidden rammed down my throat;

- so instead I pollute, to avoid the swallow
and then what besides the hopeless chase, of my self that I lose
that you and I become- nothing- reduced- to simply follow

It's genetics, 
and it's 
environment.
It's meningitis, glandular fever
and the novel coronavirus.
It's bad habits catching up 
with me. 
It's poison dust and GM foods
and leaded petrol. 
It's stress-induced.
It's karmic irony.
It's my sense of foreshortened future 
made manifest.
It's a new way of self-harming 
on a cellular level. 
It's punishment from a god
I don't believe in.
It's the universe replying it 
doesn't care.
It's
dumb
*******
luck.

There's a million different 
(equally plausible, equally irrelevant) 
reasons.
None of them change anything.

not that i'm in any way anti-h'americana...
but...
       the later dictates spawned from
the louisiana purchase...
expansion... the purchase of alaska...
          i'm such a colt when it comes to
the history...
                  invitations into "demands"...
if there is such an inconvenience
of nations in the form of globalism...
why is it somehow "strange" for nations
to adopt bilingualism: schizoid-oid...
              the benelux bubble...
the scandinavian repertoire...
                            there's so much supposedly
happening when people are not
sentenced to the queue for bread and...
vinegar...
            for the circus: "they" wait...
                       but it's such a welcome...
mind-relapse into palm-tree hovering:
coconut: eurekas and concusions...
   take a breather...
               take a breather...
when h'america takes a breather and...
it revolves around an introspective
commentary session...
and no new "propaganda" is heard of...
           periodical drama of "recuperation"...
i lost the plot at...
designed in california... albeit: manufactured
in china...
                    older than the russian
ploy of the lost memory of the 20th century...
how ****** i am having
to play catch-up with the 14 years
i was given being born in 1986...
          i missed no sense of replicating
a revenue of revival...
                                     the world curated
by h'america is taking a breather...
       pushing blanks... and self-addressed letters
with stamps... but no envelopes...
"somehow" and "suddenly"...
the concept of envelope has become
detached...
4th of july and i'm looking toward
going to the new zoo...
the new zoo of loon'don...
      al fresco museums of graveyard statues
was once my affair: primo...
             now i'll head to the crux...
looking at... window shopping for mannequins...
i'm hoping to pick up cues for ref.
of how... one is... best behaved...
               the prior Karen and Cain tsunami
of... children are not given...
this sort of freedom pass of tantrums...
   i'm just curious... deep-space adventures
are a microcosm...
   no postcards from saturn...
i'd much prefer the naked-eye experience...
   "however" and "however"...
h'america is taking a breather...
  no... cultural export necessary...
                        slack boyo on the music front...
why is... the idea of h'america being
a bilingual nation-hood...
rather than a nationality... so "foreign"...
               if globalism is to somehow work...
it was somehow tested in england...
the added bonus of speaking french...
perhaps speaking german was more...
beneficial...
                     spare parts of...
               this mono-lingual spear... perhaps works...
when... and not when...
a venice bicycle club...
            i've been to venice:
         i should have visisted rome....
              hell... i should have visited... Naples...
Florence on my radar...
     venice... ugh...    sinking ship
spectacular...
                  but it's oh so amazing
when... h'america implodes and has to sober
up... and look at itself...
           russia could never do that sort:
play that sort of importance...
the size of Crimea and Maine / New England...
half-bred Mongols of the Kazakh region...
schlang whipped serenity...
the antithesis of saint as pope when...
having to... manoeuvre the troops from
a presence in europe from germany to:
king john: lackland... ****** loan...

                 strange transition...
          i don't exactly want to think...
beside: raz dwa trzy... cztery... pięć: pięść...
why is it so alien for h'america to not be...
a bilingual nation?
          there was always some variation
of the lingua franca...
     there was a languae of commerce...
oh... the natives... and the "natives"...
boring bride of...
what could be...
the language that has to be...
original: rooted... it cannot be sacrificed
on the altar of commerce...
it has to be... pure... north eastern...
welcome those honk hong conqs...
                  these shores these albion:
scrutiny ****-ups...
          
    h'america could be a bilingual nation...
belgium can... norway... sweden can...
denmark can...
              holland can...
           canada pretends: quebec...
                        the french will always...
try to... make the english tongue:
more oyster-esque edible than...
spoken...
                       i'm not going to oink
a positive or oink a negative...
when the disagreement is so old...
            
             h'america could be a bilingual nation...
the same schizoid belgium...
holland... sweden imitation...
                        hardly an impediment...
a worthy addition...
but no... that's impossible...
this is how the globalisation project fails...

i'm almost content with a period of taking
a deep-breath... having h'america ****-strapped
into self-introspection implosive carnage...
it's just a period of curiosity...
                       when h'america had to implode
and... hardly... export: culturally...
               that worded bargain: promise...
no... the words from america are sold
for... the deaf and vultures of grand-standing
pseudo-moralists...

     i can't relate with the people who shipped
off a man... a neil armstrong...
to **** hans christian andersen on the moon...
for all of h'america: the fly-over states...
hyper-inflated parody of siberia:
i.e. where you could buy some land...
and... actually live on it...

                  and want to...
                                    the ol' mcdonald... queer...
sort of 'appy...
no... from outside my window...
the late night buses are usually filled
by a count of a one or three cameos...
that they're... rolling past... empty...
    
                see... writing is fun...
  when everyone around you is busy with life...
living a Norman's norm...
                    busy to joke about your:
"indispositions"... etc.
              writing is fun when praying for the shade
of the obscured life... line...
tow...
                    it's fun when...
people have their lives intact...
and you're... "fishing" for outliers of your own....
assorted calibre...
              there was less panic...
when... meningitis had its furore...
we still went to school...
   i remember having a vaccination jab in school...
this is a most terrible lie...
this is a lazy lie...
                    this is the most terrible: lazy lie...
the truth of complacency and...
comfort in sediment... the living fossils...

meningitis sowed less panic...
when it had its furore!
                       we still went to school...
                  i'm beside interested in the "plan"...
if anything could wake me up from
being disappointed: asinine...
                              is... a theatre of the guillotine!
nothing else...
****** plans: oh... grand:
so much more... forward moving...
revisionism for... the project... self-picked cabbage...
the self-picked strawberries?!
n'ah... whatever...
     i'm about to entertain myself with some
whiskey and finding a googlewhack.